Step Parent Question - at My Mom's House.....

if they relaying stories of activities they did, be excited. if they are bragging about items or such or mom does it better type stuff, nip it in the bud. Its not a competition, and kids are experts at making it so.

I am a child of divorce.

We shared this info, because we are sharing what we did.. Not as a comparison, just as our typical conversation.

My father told us, he did not want to hear anything about our mother. Nothing.. Not what we did what she did.. nothing..

It was so stressful to have to edit our conversations.. especially since we spent the majority of our time with her.

When we went to family counseling and we mentioned this.. The counselor almost jumped out of her seat..

She reminded my father about the fact that our mom will always be our mother, just as he will always be our father.

We will love them both and want to share our lives with him.. this will include our mother.

That since we spent most of our tie with her and depended on her, of course we would include her in our conversations, just like we included him and my stepmom with my my mom..

Who else were we going to talk about, except our little friends?

Parents are a child's whole life. They do not have a job. They do not have hobbies, unless the parent provides the supplies or takes them to lessons.

It is just part of it. Don't worry, when they become teens.. all they will talk about will be their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends,.. etc.. That will really drive you bonkers, cause you will have no idea who they are, unless you invite them over also..

I've been a stepparent for 26 years. You surely don't want to shut down your stepchildren so that they don't talk about what is going on in their other home. Whether it is a small thing or important thing, they need to be able to share this. If they haven't already, they will pick up on the fact that you are not listening, and don't want to listen. They will stop talking. Then you'll be asking us if it is normal that teenagers hide in their rooms all the time and won't talk to you...

I have been a stepmom to 2 boys for almost 16 years, the boys are now almost 21 & 18....so I have had them since they were 5 & 3.

My advice is to smile and to listen and if you can respond with something positive....and if you need to you can add in something to the effect of 'Well, at Dad's house we are going to do XY&Z'...but only if its necessary.

I think it would serve you well to remain open to them when they talk. I am the 'parent' that my SS's talk to the MOST out of all 4 of their parents (Mom, Stepdad, Dad and me) and it is a wonderful thing.

I know it can be annoying to hear these stories but they are sharing their life with you, don't shut them down.

~When I first became Stepmom the 3 y/o would NOT eat ANYTHING I made...b/c 'my mom makes this better than that'....it didn't matter what it was, it could be cold cereal for crying out loud, he wouldn't eat it! It drove me crazy and hurt my feelings something fierce! But ya know what, according to this same child now, I am and have always been THE best cook! HA!

I try to remember that they're just saying their day. "At Mom's house we did..." could be "At Suzy's house we...." or "Today at lunch at school..." The issue is with ME when I get irritated, not the child. It is worse when a kid feels like s/he can't say what's going on in their life and heart. I try to just ignore the location and after 10 yrs at this step thing, it's gotten a lot easier.

The flip side is that if they talk to you about her 1. they trust you and 2. they'll talk to her about all the fun they had with you. Adults come home from their day and say what they did at work. It's kind of like that.

One of the hard things in stepparenting (especially if the other household drives you bonkers) is to separate the child from the parents. SD and SS did not ask for a bat crazy mother. But that's what they got and they love her for being their mom even if they know she's bat crazy. It's my job to get over myself enough to support THEM for who THEY are. I can be angry with their mom later. And sometimes supporting them is listening to some story that I don't really care about but it was important enough to tell me about...so that later they can also come to me/us about really important things, mom-related or not. I don't know how old your stepkids are, but when kids are teens, it can often be a lot harder to get them to talk about anything, especially something important. Sometimes you have to listen to some "At mom's house" or the latest in comic books to find out that there's a bully at school, etc.

Hang in there.

If they are comfortable enough to talk about their daily lives, rather it be at moms house or dads house, that is a healthy thing.
They are kids, they process innocently, we are adults and should process maturely and not hold it against them when they are referring to their second household, come on.
Jealously and envy.....
How do you think the kids feel, they have to keep up with more than one set of parents?

I am not a step-parent. I am a divorced mom with DS living with me and SO, but we have the same struggles with DS talking about his bio-dad...

As with most step-parenting issues, I think this is one to remember that it's about the KID. For us as adults, we'd like to think of OUR families as being just that, we don't generally love our exes or our partner's exes, so hearing about them isn't the best feeling... we'd love to just pretend they don't exist... or at least not have thoughts of them central to our daily lives... HOWEVER... to our children (and step-children) it's not an ex... it's their other PARENT, and the other half of their LIFE.

You are justified in not WANTING to hear about Mom's house, but you are right to listen anyway. Your step-children are trying to keep some connection (in their own psyche) in their life. Asking them not to talk about Mom's house at your house, or vise versa is really asking them to live a double life. Letting them talk about their time with their mom builds continuity AND lets them know they are loved and secure and that having fun with one family is not disloyal to the other.

I dont see why it's a step issue?
If they told you about their day at school would you be annoyed?
My daughter comes home from her dad's house and tells M. "Daddy and I did this..." or "Daddy took M. here" and so on and I'm glad to hear about her day as is my boyfriend.
She does the same whe she goes to his house. Although most of the time we have to drag things out of her.
Ussually our phone calls are
M. or my boyfriend: Emmy what did you and your daddy do today?
Emmy: oh i forget, i'm gonna go play love you , see you tomorrow , goodnight!

Now, if you're talking about the "but dad lets M..........." or "daddy lets M. stay up until......."

that drives M. crazy and at 5 she's realizing J. because daddy lets you doesnt mean I will...although he's still the fun one!

If you're not talking about comparisons and J. don't want to hear about their time with their mom, then I think you're being childish and need to mature a little and learn to love them enough to put aside your jealousy that as soon as you hear the word mom you tune them out

I'm sure they are just talking & sharing their day with you. Sharing their
activites & other half of their lives w/you.

I think it's important that they talk about their lives in general. I would
definitely listen. I've been a step-parent for over a decade & it's an
important job wether anyone vocalizes that or not. It may be a
thankless job but it's still a very important one. In the end all that
matters is that you know you did a great job.

I would just listen. Everybody needs someone to listen to them.

Postive responses you could reply with are:
-"That's great."
-"Sounds like fun."
-"How wonderful."

You can even ask:
-"Was that fun for you?"
-"What was your favorite part?"

It's important for you to be connected & it's great to engage them.

I always listen because it is their way of sharing what they did the last week and sharing fun experiences. I do cut them off if it seems to be an inappropriate story like at my mom's house when her boyfriend got drink he ...(something a stupid drunk would do). We will stop them and tell them we don't want to hear his drunk stories because we don't find it appropriate to get that drink and act stupid, so we shouldn't share stories like that. We also stop them when they start talking bad about other people they ran into with their mom or their mom's soon to be ex-husband. Basically if it is a drama filled story we stop it. But other stories like going to Six Flags an all the fun they had, I will listen to and ask questions.

They sound young. My kids always came back from there dads house talking about what they did or where they went. Its normal. Do not check out, it wont last long. They know if your listening or not. You have to make them feel important.

These kids have two homes and need to feel a connect between their two homes. It is wonderful the kids want to share their life with you. You're not saying they are making negative comparisons. (are they?) You're saying they want to talk to you. It is the same as them saying "at school..." and is a sign of a good relationship with your step kids. Please try to not tune out on them, please try not to take it as a criticism that they want to acknowledge the other half of their lives. My husband and I went thru the step parent thing and if I could go back and do it over, I would have us go to a family counselor to get advice on how to make things even better, it is SO difficult to be a step parent and so important in children's development. Sounds like you really want to do the right thing for them Good luck

I see you've already received many responses, but here's my 2 cents anyway:

Aren't you lucky that your child wants to tell you about their life? By showing an interest in what is going on in their life, you are telling them that you are interested in them and love them. You care. That will give them the confidence to talk to you about everything in their life. This is especially important when they become teenagers.

Your child misses you when they are away at the other house. So, they fill you in on what they've been doing since you must be missing them too. Aren't you lucky?

MD

Hhhhh...I always want to hear anything my GD wants to tell me. I hear about mommy's house and daddy's house and I want to know. I want to know what she does there; I'm interested in what she had for dinner; I'm interested in anything mommy or daddy told her or anything and everything she did. I just like to know what's up. I use the information for my own education and never put mommy or daddy down; never say that wasn't right or that wasn't what I would have done or how I would have handled it. I simply use it for my own information. So I can't imagine not wanting to hear about what's going on in the other household.

It seems to me that you have a bit of jealousy going on. Again, I can't imagine not wanting to know what GD is doing or what she did every single minute.