My boyfriend and I both are divorced with two children a piece.. My children (5 and 6) live with me (of course!) and my boyfriend and I began living together in January. He has a 14 and a 9yr old- both boys... I seem to have a clash with his youngest son--- and it is stressing me OUT! My parenting style is Completely different from his mother's ~ She is Absolutely Lax about everything from bedtime to even how they eat... Not ME!! I am a strict parent, im nice but i like rules and order.. My boyfriend is awesome with my children- even when my daughter gets overdramatic (as girls love todo)... and he punishes my kids when they need etc but he is a very laid back parent too.. His youngest son LOVES to give me attitude and slide slick statements under his breath--- and just recently I am watching him every so often due to my bf's night work schedule.. I dont know what to do ..... ive already told my boyfriend about it and ive tried to play the nice role but it is realllly getting me irked.. He does things i tell him Not to and looks at me as if to test me-- or does things to annoy me and then when i walk away from his 'side' he stops doing things.. HELP!!!
** My Clash is with his 9 year old.. not his 14 year old..
Thank you to the ladies that posted their suggestions/support and who sent me private messages with advice..
and for the not so nice ladies -
I Never said I disliked the 9yr old - or either one for that matter. It is VERY stressful when you are trying to discipline two younger kids and the older child behaves worse seemingly on purpose. I Dislike having to correct him all the time because I don't want him to feel that he comes over to be constantly corrected.
I did not break up my BF's marriage- I actually met him a year and a half after he was divorce- his ex wife did all the breaking up by being unfaithful and getting caught. The boys are over constantly because she prefers to work over spending time with her kids- we even have then when they come home early due to feeling sick- weekends...nights..overnights.. all the time.. now with my BF's changed work schedule I am having more time alone with them and I want it to be a Good time- a Bonding time.. And No, we are Not married because we are saving up to have a Nice wedding that will include all Four of our children. We did Not move in together just because- we did it as a step up In the relationship- so I feel very Much that i am the Stepmom because We are Both in this for the long run- Both of us.
I have Plenty of Compassion- I clean up after the 9yr old so he can hang with his dad. For example my kids are not allowed to go outside until they pick up their room - he comes in and makes his mess then will go outside to hang with his dad and I say nothing and clean up. But that is Not being fair nor Consistent with my children and I need to have Consistency with all four of them .
I DONT critisize his mother- I never speak of their mother in front of them- EVER.. I have spoken to my BF about her- especially when she is due to pick them up at 4 and shows up close to 7 at night - or drops them off without the things they need. SO I think I am going above and beyond and I am compassionate..
A big issue is with my BF's guilt about the divorce and the effect on the boys and that effects him from disciplining them-- I understand to a point because my children were also a product of divorce but I HAVE to discipline them and set rules because if not they will be a mess. They have rules at my house and at their dad's house too and if for some reason my ex puts them on punishment for the day w/o TV i also enforce it at home. Going to someone else's house is not a vacation from rules- they should always be on their best behavior. IF eel that rule applies to all children of All ages - and my ex has also moved on and my kids are very warm and welcoming to his girlfriend (that also lives with him) but for some reason the 9yr old has a problem. If my bf's ex has a problem with me I would not know it because she asks my bf if I could watch the kids when he's working and she has something to do- that would be weird if she had a problem with me and still wanted me to watch her kids.. .. I am not sure but i posted this question for advice and feedback.. positive feedback
Please offer Constructive advice and remember the old saying "if you have nothing nice to say"..
Must be hard on him- the nine year old. Have you asked him? I have gotten the best advise fr YokaReeder.com
best, k
Not sure from your post if his kids live with you full time or not but I think all of the kids in the house (5, 6, 9 and 14) are old enough for a "House Rules" poster and a clear explanation of what the consequences are for breaking a house rule. In that house. Period. No exceptions.
But keep in mind that you are not their "mother" nor is your boyfriend your kids' "father" until you're married. maybe that would make things clearer to the 9 year old?
Good luck!
Repeat this over and over. I am not his parent. He has two parents. His behavior is their responsibility.
Now here is the part, and the ONLY part, you do control. You may chose to spend time with him or not. You MAY tell your boyfriend that you will be more than happy to watch him IF he can treat you and your children with respect. If he doesn't, then do not watch him.
You are not the boy's stepmother and, given the fact that you obviously don't like the kid, chances are you never will be, so save yourself the headaches and don't take on responsibility for the child if it is a negative experience for both of you.
I have to point out that you have no experience with children his age, but you will in a couple of years when your two little darlings become irritable preteens themselves and will be pulling the same stuff on your significant other that the 9 year old is pulling on you. Have a little compassion. And do not criticize his mother! (There is likely someone in your kids' father's life saying ugly things about YOUR parenting style too. Don't be one of those!)
The 9 year old didn't ask to be a child of divorce, is going through a rough developmental age and is being thrown together with a virtual stranger at night when he wants to be with his Dad. Have compassion.
And if you had anything to do with why his parents split up then you are getting what you deserve. A 14 year old has enough social skills to understand tact and diplomacy. A 9 year old calls a bimbo a bimbo. I hope this is not your situation. I am throwing it in for the benefit of readers who may actually be in a mess like this, or contemplating one. Just don't.
Ah the 9 year old. He wants to spend time with his dad. I guarantee you this is the basis of all of his behaviors. He needs to be reassured that this new family (you and your children) have not taken his place. They need to go to counseling as soon as possible so your boyfriend can explain to his son that he will always love him and has never stopped and never will.
His son needs to have a "safe place" to express his feelings.. They will include anger, fear and lots of loss. Until this little boy get this help he will continue to have these feeling and it will affect his future.Pleas have patience with this child he is very fragile. Remember divorce is a worse loss than death to children.
Bless your heart.
So will he be a freshman in High school in the fall? Is he also worried about this coming up? Has his father had a chance to talk about his sons worries?
He is a teenager and he does not want anyone telling him what to do.. You are not related to him, so why should he respect you?(this is in his mind)
Also as a child of divorce I will tell you, there was nothing more frustrating than wanting to spend alone time with my dad, but instead always having a girlfriend around. Eventually a wife. I could never get my dad alone for any length of time just the two of us. He made such a big deal about seeing me, but then we were never alone. He also shared everything I said with these other women, I felt like my life was being shared with a stranger. Also my sister was younger and begged for time alone with my dad and felt like she never had these moments either. She is still struggling with this and she has been in years of therapy.
He needs to know what is expected,in this home (yes it is his home too) because at this point he has no idea since at his other home, he is allowed to live under other expectations. He feels like he is floating around in someone elses home, not his own.
He wants to look cool and be cool. That means none of those "silly children rules". (even though he is a kid) I suggest you find a parenting book about teens and find out how to talk with them. Once you try to talk "to" a teen, they lose their hearing.
Instead include him. Make up a list of expectations. Include attitude (include behavior) , respect and chores. Then you and your boyfriend sit down and decide if boyfriend agrees, then have a meeting with teenage boy.
What time do you think a teenage boy should be going to sleep during the summer? In most homes it is 11:00 or 12:00.. During the school year it is 10:00 or 11:00. They wake up late and move slow in the morning too. If yo have special plans, you cannot just spring it on them. They need to know what the schedule for the week is. Make up a family calendar and give him a heads up as to what will be happening and what you are expecting him to participate in. Teenagers also need some private time. They have lots on their minds and sometimes just need to "be"..
He is probably not used to eating with a family and participating in family discussions since I am guessing his mom works? I bet he spends a lot of meals in front of a TV.. Take that into consideration. Maybe try to think of some fun subjects to ask the younger kids.. See if he will participate. Tell him you are trying to think of some good trivia questions to ask the kids, to see if you all can expand their memories. Disney questions are great. Think of other thing he could do to assist you with if he wants..
What are his responsibilities in your home? did you include him in these dutuies? Ask him, Would you like to mow the lawn and trim the grass each week, if we pay you $25?
Have you made him in charge of his own laundry? Let him know he will need to know how for college, so you will be happy to show him how..
Does he know how to grill? Put him in charge and show him how. Then let him help with a few of the the menus. Send him to the store on his own with a budget and let him come up with a meal for the family.
Does he get to invite his friends over? He could be pretty bored with all of those little kids.. He needs to be able to ride his bike, skateboard. go to the pool on his own.. Go to the movies, read his books..
Try to remember what you did when you were 14 or if you had brothers what they did.
Usually you would have gradually entered the teenage years, right now it is like someone has pushed you into the deep end, just when you had learned to swim, you are almost there, just need to find your way,
I am sending you strength and patience.
I would talk to your boyfriend first. As he has to back you up. And the CLASH is with the younger son not the older one. I would after talking to boyfriend and making rules. set the son down and say ok so these are the rules at our house. he can do what he wants at his moms but at yours he has to follow the rules. and a rule is no back talk. if he does it he gets a consequence. (no video game, no computer etc) make them appropriate consequences and stick to them. don't back down. and you won't need boyfriend around to follow thru on them. just do it. make him have time out. if he is doing this now it will only get worse. good luck
Who cares what parenting style his mother has. You and your boyfriend need to agree on your parenting style and your house rules and goals. Then you tell the kids these are the rules and these are the consequences. Plain and simple. Finally you need to support each other in discliping the kids. Nobody's child gets to make snarky comments or act up. Remember the rules and enforce them.
a few things: if your family usually dines out then you cannot change that just because the 9 year old is asking for it. if it is once in a while thing then you organize it as seen fit.
i wouldn't make children pay for anything but i would not give in. i also have to think of what the mother thinks about you trying to set up rules for her daughter. you're not married to her dad, therefore you really cannot enforce anything. your boyfriend should. if this becomes a major issue for you, you might consider abandoning the relationship.
i know and always knew i would never want to be anyone's stepmom.
I am a stepmom and my heart goes out to you. It is a really tough job. My DSS just turned 10 in May. He has been going through a tough time himself. Just to give you a little background on us first-I have been his stepmom for 4 years. My husband and I have been together since he was 3 1/2. We dated for over a year before I met my DSS. I started off really slow and just tried to get to know him. He was so little that it was pretty easy but, he was shy around me at first. I am a kid person and they usually gravitate toward me so, this was hard and not what I am used to. However, over time we have developed a strong relationship. We definitely have bumps a long the way but, he knows that I love and care for him. His mother and I are very different. My household and hers are about as opposite as you can get. However, I don't concern myself with that anymore. At first, I used to get upset because of things she said,did,didn't do or didn't say etc. That ended up consuming me and just causing added stress that my husband and I did not need. I finally realized that I would never be able to change her and that I just did not need to concern myself with any of that. We have our own rules,expectations,family traditions,punishments,rewards etc and he understands all of that. We went through a brief period when he was younger and being disrespectful to me. I knew that he was testing me to see what he could do and how he could treat me. My husband and I sat him down and explained to him that he was being rude and he wasn't allowed to talk to adults like that. My husband made it very clear to him that he had to respect me and listen to me. Every once in a while he will test me but, for the most part he is really good. When I was just dad's girlfriend, I did not participate in discipline(unless something serious was going on for example- like he was riding his bike in the road and I had to tell him to get out). I also try to be very aware of the fact that my DSS has to sets of parents,two sets of rules,two homes, etc. I know that must be hard on him and I try to put myself in his shoes. While I demand respect, I know that he didn't choose this situation and would probably have his parents together if he could(they were never married, his mom left with another man shortly after having him, then tried to get my husband back(before we met), she then moved away with my DSS again and meanwhile my husband and I met,then she moved back and has stayed in the area since) Anyway, I also give my husband and DSS time to themselves. I know that they need that as father and son. They do lots of things just the 2 of them and we do plenty as a family as well. My final thought on this, is while you aren't married so, you aren't officially stepmom- you are still caring for the children and around them, they are in your house-the way I see it, children respect adults end of story,I demand respect from all children in my house and that is how I was raised. Get on the same page with you boyfriend and be consistent, sit the kids down give them the rules and consequences if they break them! Message me if you need support and good luck to you!
M.,
Sounds like your BF's younger son.resents you.....You are not his Mother and he is for sure testing you....Let him know you are not his Mother....That you will never take him away from her...That you are his Friend and you want Respect as such.....He will continue to test you.....It's his age.
Kids that age have a VERY HARD time dealing with Divorce.....Try and understand his feelings....which I'm sure you do...
Good Luck,
G. H.
I know it is hard to get everyone to just get along. Part of this little mans problem is the stress he is feeling, his mother, no doubt is not speaking very highly of you and to top it off, you, in his mind, are just temporary, or else his father would have married you before moving in with you. In his short life, he has learned that marriage doesn always mean you will stay together, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are even more unstable. He doesnt want to like you because you might leave. He is however at an age where he can pick up your frustration and the fact that you are starting to like him less than the other kids and he is hurt, but is also trying to piss you off, and it's working. The best way is to appeal to his desire to have someone who loves him and understands him and he will feel guilty for disappointing you. I would lay out rules with the whole family about what chores are expected, what behavior is appropriate without singling him out. if everyone is to speak nicely to each other, then hold the rule tight for everyone. Dont make rules based on where he fails, just make rules for everyone. Then make consequences and stick to it, calmly and consistently. Make them as natural as possible. If you dont clean your room before you go play, then in the middle of your play, you have to come home and clean again. If you dont do a chore on time, then if you have to do it, he has to do one of your chores, which will be listed and he can pick two of them, since he inconvenienced you by not getting his part done. Dont be mad, simply say in a loving calm way, I really needed you to do the dishes so we could have dinner dishes and since I had to do them, I didnt have time to mop the floor or fold this load of laundry, so you need to do this for me now. When you are done, you can watch TV with us. This way he makes his choice, do it now or do it later, possibly with more work. If he makes comments under his breath, calmly call him over to you and ask him if there is something he is feeling that he wants to share with you. Tell him you love him and dont want him to be angry with you and if he ever feels something isnt fair, he is welcome to come talk with you about it so we can all get along and have fun together. If you day this enough times, he will keep his mouth shut. He might even voice his opinion and he has a right to feel angry and frustrated. let him vent, he needs it. Help him work through his feelings. You are helping train him to be a good husband and father.
My post is more support than a solution... It is more difficult, in my opinion, to parent a step-child than a biological child and to top it off, there is far less payoff. Not that we parents must have a payoff, but come on, when we get it, it's nice, right? Your biological kids are programmed to love you, and you them. Step kids are often programmed (by the other bio parent) to dislike you. In my experience it has been a constant uphill battle (for 6 years now, from age 4 to 10). So I have learned to take the little, tiny moments of success with the same appreciation as when my bio kid does something truly heartwarming. It's the only way I get through the day sometimes. Other than that, I do not compromise on the type of household I want for my bio kids to grow up in to prevent a tantrum from the step. In other words, if you want your kids to have a strict household because you think it's best, follow through with that. The step will fall in line eventually or risk being alienated by the other kids in the house because they are following the rules. Above all, just try to keep your calm and remember it's a child you are dealing with. And, in your case, perhaps the 14 yr old can help. If he likes you, then maybe he can talk to the 9 yr old when he is being unreasonable. I wouldn't use this tactic too often though because the added responsibility of helping parent his younger sibling may make him resent you too, over time. Good luck. :)
