Stickers at Preschool

Part of it is 4 y.o. boy--trust me, I have one.

Instead of using punishment, how about a carrot? Like if you get stickers all week, you get a trip to the __________ ice cream? pizza? bakery?

Just an idea.

We have had better luck with the carrot method.

D.,

I had that problem with my son who is now 8. The stickers did not work for him, as not receiving one caused a meltdown. What we did was break th day into 30 min to 1hr intervals, depending on what works best for him and the teacher. Each interval he was able to behave appropriately he was rewarded points. If he had a successful day which I think was 120 points he was rewarded. If he had an unsucessful day there was no reward BUT he was able to see where he went wrong and correct the beahvior with a chance of still receiving a reward. I hope this helps.

I agree with with the other mom's out there. As a former teacher, and mother of 3 (ages 4,1, 3weeks) it is important to catch them being good and reward that too. Maybe you can break the day down into it's parts (circle time, story time, free play...) or time incriments and ask the teacher to give him a stamp/smiley face on a chart for each part he is good and you give him a sticker at the end of the day for a certain # of stamps. Then slowly increase the # of stamps he needs for a sticker. It may help to show him he can be good, and when he tries it is rewarded. I have a similar system at home for my 4yr old for his daily responsibilities at home and it works well for us.

Good luck,
C. G

Okay, I'm a little unclear on what your son is doing "wrong" at school...except not being able to sit in a seat for long periods of time. Personally, I don't think it's necessarily productive for a four year to sit still while being bossed around for hours at a time.

His "behavior" (at least as I understand it) sounds perfectly normal, and frankly very, very healthy. I should confess that I'm a huge proponent of althernative methods of education (like Montessori) for this reason. I think learning should be fun and exciting and that some children HAVE to move in order to think. Just as some adults do. Children are just little people, and even though I was always a very good student, I have discovered that I am ten times more productive in any environment where I am not forced to sit still, etc. There are hundreds of real world jobs that do not involve "sitting still", and it scares me that too many children are being pathologized (and drugged!) for things like ADD or ADHD, when their only "problem" is that their personalities do not mesh with the very narrow views of personality and conduct as defined by public educators.

Secondly, unless his conduct at school extends into genuine behavioral issues (biting, hitting, being unkind, etc.), I see NO reason to punish him at home for things he does at school. He is already being "punished" by being deprived of the coveted 'sticker'. Would you expect his teacher to punish him for not making his bed? Or not picking up his toys at home? Don't get suckered into HER displinary issues with your son. His school life is his first opportunity to explore himself independently. And again, unless he doing something that is truly troublesome I would let him work this out on his own. Explain that if he really wants a sticker, he knows how to get one. But please don't punish him for not being able to accomplish that. I think it sends the wrong message.

I also think you might enjoy the following video -- It's about how children learn differently, and also tells the true story of a little girl who was nearly marginalized because she couldn't "sit still" in class. She went on to become a famous dancer, and a very wealthy and well-known choreographer (it's short --20 min-- and entertaining, and I hope will give you food for thought):
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ken_robinson_says_scho...

best luck! cheers, M.

Two of my three boys were active, impulsive, and had trouble sitting in chairs until they could read or do something that entertained them sufficiently.

My oldest was a happy sweet boy until he started kindergarten and was criticized for not being less wiggly. The more he got in trouble, the angrier and more frustrated he felt. He went from happy to saying he was a criminal who was going to blow things up. Luckily, he was very verbal. One day, he told me that everyone was mad at him all day at school, that the only person who ever smiled at him was the janitor (and I thanked him personally for that), and that having me mad when he got home and I had received the phone call or he didn't have the sticker on his chart was making him sad everywhere. So I became his ally without undermining the teachers. I explained the reasons for their rules. It became a game. He would burn off energy by doing jumping jacks in the bathroom at school. I made home a peaceful and safe place to unwind and only addressed the problems he had at home, in front of me.

I tried meeting with the teachers. Thinking about what you say and do and then taking action is a difficult concept. Many adults haven't mastered it or they wouldn't be yelling at each other or at kids. I taught him to pay attention to the faces of the grownups to see whether they were happy. He was caught misbehaving because he didn't alter his behavior in the presence of adults. The other kids were more careful and aware of when the rules were enforced and the mood of the adults.

He was happier at a different school where wiggly kids were given something to do and where differences were respected. I placed my youngest at that school and never received a single phone call or complaint. I volunteered a lot and would see him standing up doing his work or walking around helping other kids. He never felt bad about being wiggly, is happy, and has lots of friends. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be able to relax and just enjoy my son for who he is.

Good luck. If you want to read some great books, try "The Spirited Child" or Dr. Sears book, "The Discipline Book."

D.,

It sounds like you're doing all the right things already, which tells me that it may just be a phase your son is going through at the moment. So don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of boys go through this at the preschool & early elementary age. They mature slower than girls when it comes to attention span, patience, and often times behavior.

Good luck!
K.

D., oh my heart hurts for him. You wouldn't believe how my eyes filled up with tears so fast. It was like I was reading about my son back in those days when he was just 4yrs old. They have such a big heart. And the smarter they are the more they understand this type of behavior manipulation the preschools use.

First, let's remember what little boys were created to do. They were designed to be warriors, hunters, fishermen, workers, providers for their families, husbands and fathers, etc. Not that there are not many jobs that men have that are sit down ,desk work; however,most are NOT sit down desk working jobs. Do you see the connection?

His behavior is a response to something he is trying to communicate but doesn't know how yet. If he sees the injustice of the kids doing wrong that still get the sticker but he doesn't, it won't take him long to figure this out. He will know that it's not really his behavior that matters with regard to the sticker. This could be also his perception of the situation too. And no matter how many times you tell a 4yr old that what you think is real isn't, he just isn't gonna get it.

Now, shake your head like an Etch-a-sketch(sp?) to erase what has been done so far. Let's focus on what you WANT from him not what you don't want. (What we focus on is what we get.) Meet with the teacher and validate the difficulties of her position. Compliment her on what she does really well, like taking good care of your son while you are away and how much you know that she cares for all of her children in her class. Then let her know that you have desided to take a different approach to working with your son. Let her know that you are going to focus on ALL of the GOOD things he does everyday and not the poor choices he may make sometimes. (Always refer to wrong behavior as his choice when talking with him.) Tell her you want to teach him to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty in life.

Make a chart for her of 5-10 good things that she can mark YES or NO whether or not he accomplished them each day. And that's what you and your little man will talk about in the car each day when you pick him up. You will show him his HAPPY chart and you will say something like, WOW dude, you rocked in keeping your tush in your seat today! GREAT JOB! And look at that, you used your manners with Ms. Suzie today too! You are on a roll big man! And anything that he did not make a good choice in, ask him about it after a praise and before another praise. Ask him what happened in the bathroom. Then really listen to what he tells you. It really may not be his fault, whether it's real or he preceives it to be real, it's real to him. Then repeat, the best you can, what he tells you about it to make sure you got it straight. Then when he confirms, ask him what he could have done different to make it better. Maybe he really didn't know how to handle that situation right then. This is a great tool to use to learn where you can work with him more. Be sure to focus on the good stuff even though you are working on the poor choices he makes sometimes. (Don't we all!)

There's so much more I want to share with you. But my little man (2 1/2) just woke up. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain here. Your heart is right Mom! You know that he has to learn but this way may not be his way. Follow your heart.

Email me anytime at ____@____.com and I'll share with you anything I can to help make this easier for you but especially for your little man.

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal. If you or someone that you know would like to become a SAHM, please email me at ____@____.com. Thanks!

What if you create a sticker chart for the end of the day, right before bed time? Then it can cover his behavior at home after preschool, and you can discuss with him his behavior while at preschool for the day, and if he behaved at home, and seems to understand what was wrong, and how to not do that anymore at preschool (make sure he can verbally tell you the correct ways to handle each situation), issue him a sticker! Sounds a little bit (maybe) like he is just wanting some reinforcement for good, and that since he always "messes up" at preschool, maybe he just feels not encouraged enough? I don't know! But if so, maybe creating something yourself at home might give him the insentive. Then after a while, you can adapt the rules to be more strict while at preschool. I just wouldn't do anything like that right after preschool, because then it seems like you are grading that behavior, and overruling what his teachers feel. Hope something I said helps, or sparks an idea!
K.

I agree with Erin in that a lot of what he is doing seems to be typical. I too have an active 4 year old boy, and while I would LOVE for him to sit consistently and behave, it's just too much to ask of him. I try to remind myself that he is four, and a boy. I do see as he gets older a better attention span and ability to resist going with the crowd. He also responds well to negative reinforcement in that we have set rules and each time he breaks a rule he loses a desired object (he gets them back the next day....no earning back). I wonder with your son if he is getting more attention from you and your husband over NOT getting the sticker than he did when he did get the sticker....you yourselves may be reinforcing the behavior of not getting the sticker simply by focusing so much on it. Maybe he earns special time with one of you if he does get the sticker.....

I don't know what the other moms have suggested, but here are my two cents:

1. Is your son getting enough sleep? I know that my child can be a little demon when he doesn't get his required number of hours. I signed him up for a martial arts class on Thursdays and he refused to take it (screamed hissy fit, etc). I moved it up to Tuesday (beginning of the week, less of a sleep deficit) and he acts like taking the class was his idea.

2. Ritual/Structure - I find that doing the same thing everyday in the same order and the same way also helps his behavioral issues.

3. This is a hard one for me: I am trying not to focus on bad behavior so much. So when he does get the sticker, make a huge deal about it. The first few times have a special dinner or treat. When my son finally took his marital arts class, we went to McDonald's for dinner. He didn't have to do his homework that day (they get weekly assignments). I don't do it with everything, but when it's something he's struggling with, it doesn't hurt to celebrate his successes - even if they're small. I also give him a lot of positive talk.

Like I said, just my two cents. Good luck.

T.
Mother of Daniel age 5 who is learning how to read.

D.,
I went through the same type of situation with my alomst 5 year old, except he was great as preschool and a monster at home. My ped. had us fill out the paperwork to have him evaluated for ADHD, his preschool teacher as filled out the paperwork for my ped., luckily he does not have ADHD as of now, my ped. thins he is fighting for my attention at home since he has 2 younger siblings and I provide childcare in my home. The fact that your son is having a tough time sitting for long periods of time could be a good sign that he may have ADHD, it may be worth talking with your ped., if nothing else to give you a peace of mind and your ped. may have soe suggestions as well. I wish you the best of luck.

My daughter (yes, a girl) had issues with her 4 year old preschool teacher, to the point where it became clear the teacher was instigating "inappropriate" responses from my daughter (though very appropriate responses from a four year old's viewpoint). And my daughter was the one who always sat still during storytime and didn't join in the mass of pushing and shoving on the carpet.I had to explain to my daughter, several times, that it is always the one imititating a bad behaviour who gets caught. Just because she sees someone act bad and get away with doesn't mean she can do the same behavior, because she will always be the one who gets caught. I just read that first sentence again, and it must have been a Freudian slip because her teacher acted more like a four year old the four year olds in her class. Honesty, the teacher snatched food from my daughter on one occasion, and snatched a dandelion that my daughter had been given on another. Jeesh.

I agree with the other posts that you shouldn't punish your child more by taking toys and tv away from him, the loss of the sticker is enough. Bribery, however, is always appropriate (okay, we'll call it an incentive). Tell him if he can bring home one sticker doing the week, you will do something fun after preschool on Friday, such as go out to lunch, go to a bounce house, a friend's house, etc. This gives him something to look forward to, and it worked with my daughter. Once he has achieved the one sticker, bump it up to two, and so on.

My daughter is doing much better in kindergarten. She's even acting better at home, though she has always been well behaved (contrary to her preschool teacher's opinion). Her school has full day kindergarten, and I feel she is actually learning, rather than being handed a paper and told to trace a letter. Her teacher has a very fair behavior tracking plan. At the beginning of each day, each child starts out with five fish on a chart. If they continue a behavior after being given a warning, they lose a fish. If the child has at least one fish at the end of the day, the child gets a good behavior sticker. Perhaps you could suggest such a method to your son's preschool teacher (I know she doesn't have 30 kids in her class, more like 15 to 18, right?). She could modifiy to three fish or so. I think it would work better than her all or nothing approach.

Good luck to you and your son. He is acting appropriately for his age.

maybe his personality type just doesn't lend to reward systems. especially since he apparently he sees himself competing with his peers which i find to be very counterproductive. if his teachers insist on this kind of behaviour plan which does not sound appropriate for this age group to me, then perhaps changing classrooms or schools is the solution. if this is truly not an option then maybe the teacher can adjust her expectations? seems like maybe they are a little high? for example, is she trying to keep their attention for an unreasonable amount of time? this is a tough one but maybe a different style of classroom or a home daycare might be better.

Hi I'm not sure if this will help any but I can look at this glass both ways. Being in that field of carrier and having a child. The only thing is mine dosent go to school yet. Has the teacher said anything about him not sitting still? If so ask what she suggests to do. Then talk with you doctor. You might beable to change his diet or more exersize to help. Also another thing. It may seem like she picks on your child but you have to remember if she lets Johnny get away with it that means she has to let robert do the same. Then she has almost 30 kids out of controll. So in a way I don't blame her for punishing him. What dose the sticker lead to? A prize at the end of the week? If so then maybe that is not good enough for him. So do your own. If you get a sticker today when you come home I will let you .... and pick something fun. And then make him go every 2 days then 3 then 4 and you get the point. Also talking about why he didn't get the sticker at school is a good thing and say well what can you do to change that can help. Another thing boys learn a lot threw play. So if you are laying little people and see a great opertunity to have the little people act out what happens at school and have him tell you the solution to the problem you acted out. Well just some things that could help

Not sure what he is doing at school,but he is already being punished there.I would not take away tv and toys at home because not earning the sticker is punishment enough if it is just a matter of paying attention and sitting still etc.It can be tough for a four year old to always be "on".He is learning about boundaries and rules,and is being influenced by his peers.Maybe just talking about the behavior that he is losing the sticker with,and the behavior the teacher expects and some ways he can get there.Hang in there,he is four and it might take a little time to get past this little phase,but if he can be made to understand that he is in control of himself and whether he earns the sticker or not,it may help.Good Luck,L

I am a preschool teacher and my first question would be, "how is his day overall?" The preschool teacher needs to be getting to the root of the problem. When does your son misbehave and "lose" his sticker? Is it during circle time? Is it during work time? Is it during clean up time? Something that has worked with my "difficult" students is a sticker chart. It is a chart that looks just like a calendar but with no numbers. The teacher should carry the chart with her and each time she catches your son doing something right, he will get a sticker. The catch is he can NEVER lose a sticker. One of our most importants job as preschool teachers is to help the little ones get ready for public school. With positive reinforcement and you and the teachers on the same page, your son will find success in his preschool years. I would also ask that the teacher find something good that your son did during his day so that he can earn his sticker. Good luck. Keep the lines of communication open, that is the most important thing!!

It is normal for a boy to have a hard time listening and sitting still. Girls are better at that. He likely needs to be getting more activity in his schedule.

I would be worried that the teacher is setting unreasonable expectations or has set the bar for behavior at a level that your son doesn't feel he can acheive and he has stopped trying.

Perhaps you can talk to the teacher about setting some attainable goals for your son.

I would set a time to talk to the teacher and try to understand what it is that he is doing. Is she only giving them one chance to loose the sticker or do they get like 3 strikes? My daughter's pre-K class starts on a green day, gets 3 chances and then they get a blue day, 2 more chances and a yellow day and 2 strikes after that and it is a red day, obviously with time outs tossed in there. I think the teacher may be a little unrealistic, but also find out if he is pushing kids or acting out in an agressive way or if he is just doing something little. Make sure to write down your concerns so you don't forget to mention them, or get too far off track and don't get everything out in the open. Also, maybe you should consider starting the same system at home so he doesn't have 2 reward systems and discipline systems. That may be confusing him a little if you and the teacher aren't on the same page. But remember it never hurts to recommend something to the teacher, he is your kid and you know him best. If it continues, ask the school if you can switch him to another teacher.

I have a 5.5 yr old boy and a 4 yr old boy (and a baby girl) and I'm living proof that spankings are not necessary (not that anyone mentioned it here, I haven't noticed on this thread)

But anyway, my kids are HIGH ENERGY and take a lot of my energy, I figure that's just the way it is for now. What has helped me GREATLY is using techniques from certain positive discipline books... Positive discipline for Preschoolers, How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen And How To Listen SO Your Kids Will Talk are two great books. I refer back to them very often.

Having him make signs, or a letter to a person are very very effective tools. Or, writing letters to him with simple words (if he can read them) also very effective.

Time outs are rarely used here, we use them for truly out of control behavior and we have a box of toys (yes, TOYS) that are specifically soothing (play doh, coloring, cuddle toy, lacing, seek n find, etc) that they may choose from if they feel it will help them to calm down. It's also a comfy spot with pillows .... they can snuggle them if needed, I also offer hugs if they ask respectfully.

This is a hard time, I know. I KNOW! Hang in there. email me anytime. Sometimes it helps to flush through individual scenerios bouncing ideas off eachother with other mothers, so that you can better teach your child.

But time you invest now, will indeed pay off, I promise!

The sticker thing, just institute it at home for positive things, don't take away for negative, just only give for positive. You can also do a jar of marbles as well. If he sobs for not getting a sticker when he demands one, just tell him that's not the rule, that Mommy has to notice him doing X in order to get a sticker, and that if you hear no whines in the morning he will get a sticker, or some such thing.

Egg timers work nicely to help them understand time frames ... if you don't whine for 2 hours (set timer) you will get a sticker.

If he whines, reset the timer again. If he sobs about not getting the sticker, just stick to your guns (without any sass, and matter-of-factly) restate the rules.

Just a thought, we just moved our son to a new daycare center because he was starting to pick up bad behavior from the other kids. He is now doing so much better and he's only been at his new school for 4 days!!

I feel your pain my 4 yr old is in the same boat. I tried taking outdoor play away, movies, toys etc...so I just started with BIG things. My son is knows what he is doing I know for sure. For instance I told him he had to get his sticker everyday for a wk or he wasn't getting the carnival...well he was horrible on the last day. Even after I gave him a talk all the way to school about it being carnival night. So when he got home after dinner I took him upstairs on my bed and asked him what he did...he FINALLY told me. I said well NO carnival, WOW!!! The evening was horrible he screamed in his room for 2 hrs. But now I know I have to stick by what I say. Right now I have started my own calendar at home. If he is bad at school he knows he will get a "X" on the calendar and if he is good he gets smiley face put on the calendar. I let him draw it on there after bath time if he is good at school and the rest of the evening for us. If he makes bad choices I put the "X" on there. So far we only have (1) "X" and he knows if he gets (3) this month there will be NO pumpkin patch. My son is hyper and very intelligent so I have to challenge him to keep him focused. Good Luck!

D.,
I can remember stuggling with this when my Son stated to have behavior issues in pre-school. Although, I was grateful for the feedback given by the teachers, it would frustrate me when he looked at me sincerely and said but Mom I tried my hardest and I still didn't get a sticker. He is six years old now and has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we do alot of creative things to keep him motivated on a daily basis with a token and reward systems. Has the teacher made any reccomendations to help him in learning? I've always been told that if they can't take something away or deliver the punishment for the behavor whether it is sitting on the wall at recess time or time out in class, then it isn't effective for us as parents to ask them to recall something that happend hours ago at school. Maybe you can work something out with the teacher? I hope this helped a bit.

Hi, D..
Unfortunately the "sticker" issue is something that will likely be a part of your life for many years to come. It sounds like your son is bright, curious and energetic. Everything that a little boy should be. It is natural for him to "test" new behaviors.

That said, if the behaviors he is exhibiting at preschool are not terrible, let the teacher hold him accountable. All children are going to slip up every now again--especially when they are pre-school age. If he is not hitting, biting or creating a huge distraction all of the time, it's probably normal little boy behavior.

Reward the positive so that he begins to see that there are both good and bad consequences for behavior. Establish your own sticker chart at home, and be sure to include little things so that he is sure to be successful. Keep it positive.

Stay in close contact with the teacher, and try to determine if the other children are also being reprimanded. Too often, teachers tend to be harder on those who are typically well-behaved to "set an example" for the other little ones.

Although I am an advocate of addressing anything that happens at school with reinforcement at home, I also believe that the if you dwell too much on the negative, you run the risk of hurting self-esteem and inadvertently create new negative behaviors.

There is a reason that schools have age recommendations for beginning kindergarten, and many teachers will tell you that with all the new requirements for the first year of school that age should actually increase to six rather than five.

Four year olds need to run around and learn through their play--not be forced to sit still for long periods of time. They need to be creative and color outside the lines. There will be plenty of time to learn to read and write sitting behind a desk. But there is only one chance to be four--to explore all of the new things you see in the world by touching and smelling and yes, even tasting them.

Try not to look too far down the road. Enjoy your four year old now. Chances are he will settle down and be a wonderful student. He should think of school and learning as fun. His teachers should cultivate that creativity and natural desire to learn.

My youngest daughter is 7, and her second grade teacher lets her do her math under a table in a corner of the classroom. It sounds silly, but she loves it. It's her own little corner of the world and she feels secure and comfortable there--inevitably she scores very high on her tests. She is doing her own thing--and what the teacher wants all at the same time! It's a good lesson in control.

Many teachers are resorting to taking time off of PE or limiting recess as a discipline tactic for rowdy youngsters. When my son would get too active and rough, I actually required him to run laps around the house to burn off the energy. Or came up with some other creative activity. It worked wonders!

Good luck. Be Creative.

Read Harold and the Purple Crayon!

Enjoy being four--together!

Some children are very affected by social contagion. Your child may be subjected to more temptation than he can handle. Have you considered keeping him home? To homeschool at the preschool level is much fun. Another year at home under your loving care may give him the strength and security to face public school next year. He can win lots of stickers with you and be happier. AF

Yeah why dont YOU bring him a sticker when you pick him up, but dont give it to him in front of the teacher.
Ask the teacher how he was that day and then, in your car, ask HIM how his day was.
Explain to him that you know its hard to be good and that if he can at least TRY really hard to behave, then mommy will give him a "TRIED REAL HARD" sticker and tell him: "good job for trying really hard." At the same time you must also explain that if his behaviour doesnt improve that he will also lose mommys sticker.
Its worth a try, because if a simple sticker will help him behave then it will be worth it.

But I have a question for mothers of FOUR year olds. After reading some responses DO you really think a FOUR year old is capable of remembering for every second of those 3hrs in school that he has to behave the whole time in order to get a reward 5days later??? And even if he might remember does he really have the self control every single time to walk away from the bad behaviour??? I just dont know if a FOUR year old is capable of that, mine are only 2 and 3 right now. So I think taking away the toys and all that might be a bit too much if a FOUR year old cant remember and control for 5 days. Life for them is a daily even hourly learning process, Im not so sure they can grasp the long-term big picture??? How devastating to a small child to bring up a Carnival and then at the end of the week take it away, :( thats so sad...

i would go to school with him and sit in the corner and watch. might be something you see that the teacher doesnt.

Oh, how our little one's disappointments break our hearts!
Entering the public scene, ie preschool, can reveal challenges that do not show up at home... I am a nurse for 30+ years and an Independent Wellness Consultant with a focus on helping people to estsablish and maintain a Wellness Home. I would love to talk with you more. I know you don't want your litte fella to lose his joy for school and learning. Please feel free to contact me through my website: www.mynikken.net/candysay Sincerely! a Mom of 4 grown children with a heart for yours...

D. R,

Some kids, especially boys, have the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder starting at an early age. If he is as bright as you say and is struggling with redirection and following directions, it might be a good time to discuss this with his pediatrician.

Mama Cooke