Strangers Sabotaging the Lessons I Try to Teach My DD!!

People are just being nice. We never buy her anything from the quarter machines at the store, but my aunt loves to, so she knows she only gets to do that with Auntie. If a nice old man wants to give her a quarter, just use it as a teachable moment that not all strangers are bad.

It is frustrating. Situations like w/ the nice older gentleman could be handled just as you did or say "Thank you so much but she can't have this right now since she was throwing a fit." If he won't take it back, you leave without using it (until later). With the sandbox just say "That's great but he's been more than mellow already and she has to learn not to do this".

i agree with both of the previous answers. i also wanted to say, it might be helpful if she didn't feel she could get a toy every time that she's in a store (or is "good") also. it's a special treat if it's once in awhile for EXCEPTIONAL behavior. it's an expectation/entitlement if it's every time she's in a store. if she's pulling away from you to go get it, that's a red flag that it's time to back off on the treats. she's expecting it and thinks it's her right to go get it. maybe you could have said to the nice gentleman, "thank you, but she's been misbehaving, so no toy today." if he insisted, maybe take the quarter for "next time".

i guess i'm a mean ole mommy ;)

for the sandbox, conveniently, it would be "time to go for a walk!" :) (whether she wanted to, or not!)

but mostly, even though it's frustrating, keep in mind that one or two exceptions does not ruin everything you're teaching her. you're her primary influence, it'll work out in the end. good luck!

You also have to teach her flexibility and how to react differently to different situations. And she's only two. A few missteps won't matter in the big picture, you're doing a great job ;)

Once she's in school she will be taught many different ways to do many different things. All you can do is do your best at home and before that.

no, they're not 'trying' to undo your teachings, they're just nice people. from what you've said here you haven't explained yourself either, nor do you need to. 'thank you, but she may not have another toy' or 'your son has been very sweet with her, but we're working on boundaries' would be plenty. and even 'thank you so much, but she does not have my permission to do that' would do.
most people don't have selective hearing. they hear exactly what you are telling them. they and your daughter are picking up on the fact that your boundaries are mutable depending on the circumstances. so remain courteous and become more clear.
khairete
S.

Mama, you sound tired! (How could that be, with a two-year-old? :^D)

You have a whole lot to teach your daughter, so when this sort of thing happens, you can be flexible and change to a different lesson. It will still be a good lesson.

When someone wants to give your daughter a treat, with your permission (!), teach her first of all to say, "Thank you." The rest of the lesson is, "Wasn't he a kind man? Sometimes people we don't even know do kind things, and it's right to thank them. This won't happen every day - not by a long shot - so let's be grateful when it happens. Now let's go home. You can play with your trinket there." Will your daughter listen to you? Yes.

At the park, it was good that you recognized that the boy was being very gracious. "Gracious" is a good word for your girl to learn. I think I would have answered the mom when she said not to worry about the sand castle, "Thanks, but we need to go now." I would thank the boy as well, and have my daughter thank him, too. Then I would take us home - or to another part of the park. I would say, "Wasn't that a nice boy? He was very gracious to let you hit his castle that he was working so hard on building. When you're his age I hope you will know how to be that gracious to children." It could be that the boy's mama had been trying to teach him to let others join in his games, so you could have been helping her.

Sometimes you have to be flexible and adjust your lessons to the situation. Happily, in neither case was your teaching being thwarted or undermined deliberately. You are still teaching your daughter, because it was *your* decision to let her have or do what she did; they offered and you decided.

I guess you don't get there are other lessons one huge one is to internalize the lessons. They only learn that one by you sticking to your guns as you are doing.

Some people will allow your kids to do things that are against your rules so one lesson is to resist. Accept that and move on so when they are at a friends house without you one day they know to say no thanks.

It isn't the cuteness of your child it is the kindness of strangers.

Here is what I do (I haven't read the other answers yet). I make direct eye contact, smile very nicely, and say, "Thank you so much! Actually, though, I'm trying to teach her that ~. But it is so sweet of you/your son to ~." Then go about doing what you were already doing.

Keep it quick and simple. I'd smile and say something like, "Thank you but I'm trying to teach my daughter to....." And then turn back to your daughter.

No need to explain. If they insist or try to argue with you, just smile and repeat what you said the first time. Yes, they may mean well but you have a job to do, mama, so keep up the good work!

You're over thinking this. Your daughter is learning and will learn rules, morals, values and expectations from YOU, not the occasional random stranger. She learns what she lives, day in and day out, and the little things that happen in the wider world? That's not her "norm" so don't worry about it.
A good example: my kids weren't given soda and only given candy very rarely when they were little. But at grandma's house? Oh man, it was a free for all! I let grandma have her fun and I let the kids enjoy their treats, but it's not like they came home expecting me to start buying that stuff. They knew that just wasn't done in our house.
As long as your consistent in YOUR rules and expectations your daughter will be fine :)

Change the focus of the lesson to fit the environment:
With the quarter - Lets be thankful this man was so thoughtful and generous. Make sure she thanks him and then, at other times, you can use that as an example of generosity. Remember when that kind man gave you a quarter when you were sad? Encourage her to be generous and compassionate.

With the sand castle - "hasnt this boy been so patient with you! And isnt his mom being nice to encourage him to play with you so much! Havent we been so lucky to play with him? That made you feel happy and included! Now lets go play somewhere else". Next time someone is playing with her stuff, remind her about how the nice boy at the park included her, and how much fun it was to play together. Encourage her to follow his example.

A few acts of kindness here and there wont undo lessons you reinforce consistently and DO give you an opportunity to teach your child other great lessons.

Not every moment in your daughter's life is going to be the learning moment you want it to be. It will still be a leaning moment-she is watching you interact with others. You need to learn to let go and relax! Those few moments are not going to undo everything you are trying to teach your daughter.

Maybe the lessons in those situations aren't for her to learn but rather you.... While she is only two, a couple incidents won't undo what you teach her at home and too, as long as you continue to guide her, then there is probably no undoing what lessons you teach her.. (not until she is a teenager at least) that said.... the lessons here are bigger and seem more for you than your toddler.. I see them as.. Why not learn to go more with the flow.. the situations you described aren't that life altering and won't change who your daughter is... I think it's more important that kids learn to play together ... kids have a way of working things out.. the mom told you the kid was mellow about such things.. seems to me that you are the one making a big deal out of it. same goes with the man giving you a quarter.. In my opinion, it's more important to look at peoples' true intentions than to look simply at the act in and of itself. It would seem that you are over-personalizing other peoples' behavior... maybe that is your lesson here... try and go with the flow and choose your battles more wisely...I highly doubt that people are purposely trying to sabotage you...honestly, do you think people are sitting on the sidelines thinking, how can I ruin that woman's day.. seriously, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill...

Good for you for being a responsible, caring mom!

The sandbox kid's mom is also, like you, teaching her child. It's kind of like the conflicting roles of guest and host. Each one is supposed to defer to the other and be gracious. The sandbox mama was teaching her son that one shows kindness and consideration to young ones and that you can't expect a little one to recognize the effort that goes into making a sand castle. Good for her!

In addition to teaching our child limits, we all try to teach them how to be gracious. Sometimes, accepting the kindness of others with appropriate appreciation is an art. It can be difficult to know which lesson to teach and when but please try and think "which lesson do I teach right now" as opposed to "this person is sabotaging what I want".

Hang in there! With a mama so very concerned that she not be a brat, your little girl will grow up just fine! It's the lessons over time, not the one-shot moments that count.

Don't worry, a few people's kind gestures won't undermine your good parenting. It's all good. They were nice, you are doing right by your daughter. Better that than interacting with a bunch of nasty people.

Accept people's graciousness and continue parenting your daughter. She will be fine.

Great advice from Leslie, above.

I would have sweetly accepted the old man's offer of a quarter. I know you mean well but not everything has to be a lesson. Sometimes an unexpected treat can come your way and I think you actually do your daughter a huge disservice by not recognizing this for what it is. I have seen children of parents like you rebel against all of the properness and discipline that they were taught . The second they get away from you they will take full advantage of anything they can-moreso than a child who has had a moderation approach to treats.

I totally agree with you on the sand castle kid. That mom was selling her son out for the sake of you and your daughter. The only thing I think I would have done differently is looked her square in the eye and said "No, I can't let her ruin another of your son's castles-it really isn't fair to him."

You didn't get the memo? Weird - the rest of us all got a memo about handing out quarters and manufacturing easily destroyed castles.

Next weekend there's some little boy in Kansas we're supposed to offer to play jump rope with. :)

We look it at like the grandparents - we let them get away with just about anything. We have our son 3 1/2 weeks of every four before we visit - so we clearly have the better influence for the vast majority of the time.

I think it's just something with wanting to connect with kids, and the easiest way is to teach them to stick out their tongue or make faces...maybe it's just an extention of that. :)

I remember those situations, and I'm well past your stage of parenting, my kids are turning 13 and 17. It can be hard to remember that these strangers are just trying to show kindness and help you avoid having a hard time with your child, and are not trying to sabotage your parenting lessons. It's tough trying to straddle that line between not giving in to your child when you've said no and not being rude to the stranger. I agree with the poster who suggested diversionary tactics - escape the sandbox and head to the swings, take the quarter and pitch it in the charity can for the animal shelter in front of the store. It's also a time for your child to start learning the lesson that when mommy/daddy and another adult are both around, mommy/daddy is always the boss!
I wish that there were more parents teaching the lessons that you are. When we go to the town lake in the summer, there are parents who aren't telling their toddlers that my 12 year old who has no little siblings/cousins/nieces/nephews does not want his castle destroyed by the diaper set.
Good luck.

Sometimes we relax a bit in order to make OTHER people (yes even strangers) happy.
As for the older guy, he really wanted to give her a quarter. Maybe his grandkids live across the country, maybe your little girl looked like his daughter who is now grown, maybe he saw her in the store, thought she was cute and fished out the quarter just to see her smile when she got her toy.
The Mom of the kid at the playground was trying to diffuse the situation so that she and her boy would feel at ease. I bet she was uncomfortable and right or wrong she was letting you know it wasn't a big deal to her.
Teaching children respect and boundaries comes in little lessons throughout their childhood. You'll have plenty of opportunities to follow through with your discipline. If life steps in the way then maybe it's meant to be and you should just go with it. Maybe there is a lesson in it for you.

girl, that's so funny, not hilarious, just cute.
yesterday we were at the store & my son was REALLY ready to go. well, there was grandma, like cute/hot young looking grandma in front of me that kept doting on him. i'm like really, he's being a BRAT right now! lol
but she knelt down to him & said if i buy you a present will you go home & be a good boy for mama? so...i sat my happy butt in one of the lawn chairs in the store & listened as she walked around w/him. she ended up buying him a $1 football. she obviously enjoyed it SO much and he was happy. no, definitely not something i would allow or want to happen everyday. but he's 3 & it's never happened, so i thought it was okay. strangers sometimes see their grandchildren in our kids & of course haven't been w/them all dang day to grow tired of 'em, so they want to be nice. i think it's sweet we still have ppl like that around here! i used to let it annoy me i think, but now i look at it differently & i'm just thankful for someone being that sweet to us. anyway, just my take on it. it rarely happens, she'll remember your teachings far above the ONE day that sweet grandpa gave her a quarter. know what i'm saying? good luck mama, you're doing good. :)

I think Mary L has the best answer (roll with it and incorporate these new lessons) but I also want to remind you that no single day is going to undo your teachings, just as no single average lesson is going to stick with a 2-year-old for good. It's about repetition and consistency, and it sounds like you have that in spades. Your guidance is the strongest influence in her life, hands down, and you are making thoughtful and reasonable efforts to teach her well. You'll both be great, chalk it up to life and let it go.

It happens...we were at a school carnival for some friends of ours. There was a man selling ice cream bars and popsicles. My son wanted one and I said, "no". He complained rather loudly and my mistake and knee jerk reaction was to tell my son we don't have a dollar to buy one. (Now, I did have a dollar...a bunch of them...but I knew if he had one every child we had with us, all five of them would have to have one too...talk about a big old mess eating then, them tracking them in the car, oh the horrible hours of stickiness that would follow, and stains on their clothes/we were going out after this...these kids were 5 and under.)

My son was fine with my explanation and ready to walk away when four different people whip out dollar bills and offer to buy him one. I politely refuse (most of them I think thought I was too proud to take the dollar...but really I just wanted him to learn we don't always get what we want and he was fine to leave until all the money was being shoved under his nose). Now he is asking why he can't have one if he has the money...I explain we are going to say thank you and go find his sister and friends. We start to walk away...and a grandpa type man turns us around takes him back and buys him the ice cream bar.

Argh!! It was a really nice gesture but I didn't want him to have one...too much sugar, too much mess, and shortly we would have to be buying four more of them.

Twenty minutes later I had five kids under five eating messy drippy ice cream bars and popscicles...stained clothes, stickiness everywhere, with two hours to ride home in the car and a stop at a relatives house on the way.

If I had been smarter I would have used another reason...to much sugar too messy, etc...but not having a dollar just popped out and back fired on me in the worst way.

It is going to happen...sorry, but it does seem we get sabotaged. I have tried to learn to roll with it...but that day really toasted my buns!!

with the quarter i would have said oh thank you how about we put it in your piggy bank ;)

with the park thing i would have did what you did redirected her. i would have told the mom its ok she can play over here ;)

I know what you mean. They are well meaning, but they aren't paying attention to what is going on. Like when people try to give my daughter candy - directly to my 3 year old!

Another thing that sometimes happens is the "conflicting lessons" issue. For exmaple: you are trying to teach your daughter to not take someone else's toy, that mom is trying to teach their kid to share graciously.

Communicate with a smile. Most people aren't offended, they will realize that they aren't thinking.

This is for example #2: Here is the rule for how children develop playing, especially when it comes to building games....Destruction comes before construction. What she is doing is totally normal for her age and an important step for her development. All kids go through this. I know you want manners and such, so if she does go and kicks in a sandcastle teach her to apologize and offer to help rebuild.

Yes, this is the worst...... I've actually had to talk TEACHERS into giving her 0's on assignments that SHE NEVER TURNED IN because they had given her credit "because she's usually so on top of things". I'm like..... just cuz she's cute and helpful and not a troublemaker....... she still has to do the stupid book report. please give her a zero!!!!

I finally decided that my job as her mom was to teach her the *concepts* of impulse control, right vs wrong, acceptable behavior etc (rather than you've spent your one quarter and you can't have another, which is situational or rule-oriented)..... because these concepts exist OUTSIDE of how *other* people behave and what other people expect. It's sort of the zen version of "if your friend jumped off a bridge would you?"

I think it will serve her in a better capacity, because it teaches her that there will ALWAYS be opportunity (and people who are more than willing to *help* you go against what's right) but that it's her job to set limits for herself, despite other people.

At 2 that is really hard. At 6 it gets easier..... so just hang in there until then!

They are nice people. I am a mom of an almost 6 yo and an almost 5 yo girl, as well as a 1 yo baby boy. I make sure my girls are always nice with littler ones at playgrounds. It is a lesson I am teaching them about life, that is very important to me, which is to be kind and patient with little children. I never want them to be those rude older kids pushing the toddlers out of the way so they can get down the slide quickly! Grr.

But in the sandcastle situation, I agree, every big kid has the right to not have their stuff wrecked by toddlers, aka wrecking balls! LOL!

We are already dealing with this at home, with our 1 yo who is now suddenly all over the place like a little mini tornado.

Good for both you and for the other mom at the playground. The nice older man may have grandkids that live far away and it made him feel good to be nice to your LO. Or he may have realized he was too strict when he was a younger parent, and now is his chance to be different. Who knows! But don't worry. You are the mommy. You have #1 influence. You will be the one who sets the pace, not random meetings with strangers. Just roll with it.

For now, until they get to school and are influenced by everything else like commercials on tv, youtube videos, other kids, teachers etc etc. Ay yay yay!!!!

I tend to say, "Thank you, but it's lesson time!" Typically they get it I am driving home a point and to politely but out. Regarding the grandparent I would have accepted the quarter and done what you did regarding wait until a later time to give the toy. I would have also talked to her about the kindness of strangers.

Smile, say thank you, and continue on with your lesson. You do not have to do what other people are offering. You could have accepted the quarter without buying the toy. You didn't have to let your daughter continue kicking down the boy's sandcastles just because the other mom said it was ok. There is no need to explain anything. And as someone else pointed out, think about it from the other person's perspective: maybe mom of sandcastle boy was trying to teach her son a lesson too.

Seriously? She's 2. If you don't want her exploring, then stay home. To expect a child that age to have impeccable impulse control is unrealistic. Let her live a little. If you make everything a battle and a "lesson" you will both be miserable. What you think is misbehavior is completely normal. You took 2 really nice examples of human interaction & decided to be unhappy with them. I don't get it.

I would understand being miffed if a stranger was trying to tell me how to parent my child. That's a different story.

I am glad you made the exception for the older man. Otherwise, your daughter would have learned a lesson from you--be mean to senior citizens...

You stick to YOUR guns.

let me know when you know the answer....lol!

I hate when people come up in the groc store and try to give my daughter money, I even had people try to hand her pennies (our groc store has a penny horse) when she was way to little and would have eaten or choked on them. I say no thank you loudly and walk away. At the park I would.have just ignored the other mother and continued with what I was doing. Or let her play nearby the boy if she promised not to mess-mess what he was doing. Its.bad enough I.have to constantly deal with being undermined by my MIL, Im not.going to take it from a perfect stranger, lol. Who cares if you come off as a b*tch, do you really care what.some granpa at the groc store thinks of you?