Stress at Home

It isn't really sounding like it, but is it possible to sit down and talk with him about it? Not like last night, but just talking about what it is that gets him frustrated and how you can help him through it? Can he give you a heads up when he has had a particularly bad day and let you know before he gets to that frustration point? Find a way that allows him to switch from work brain to home brain? Maybe he focuses on one kid a night and just spends some time with that one? Then they aren't necessarily doing those things that frustrate him? Sorry, I haven't been there, but that is what I would do.

Tell him to shove it up his arse. If he's not happy, he needs to talk to you as his wife as to why. If he can't express himself in anything other than anger or avoidance, he's got issues... He sounds like my ex and my mother. He's not an Aquarius, is he?

Well, is this one job your husband works that much on, or does he have more than one? He's obviously tired and strung out, and NO, he shouldn't take that out on the kids, but sometimes it's really hard not to be completely frustrated and tired if you're working that much. If there is ANY way he can cut back on his hours and work a normal work week -5 days and maybe a fewer number of hours per day here and there -that's what should happen. It sounds like there may also be underlying resentment there that he's working constantly and you're at home with the kids. Believe me -I know being at home with the kids is as stressful and hard of a job as anyone has, but often men don't understand this -especially if they've never done it. You both need to sit down and figure out exactly what you can do to lessen his load and make your family time together better. Maybe he could give up a job if he has more than one, and you could go to work part time or something. Bottom line -find some ways to cut some financial corners, because he's working way too much to be be healthy personally or in regards to the family and your marriage!

S.H,

From your post, it sounds to me like both you and your husband are stressed. Your husband works 6 days a week and 12-13hrs each day, that's a lot of hours. Coming home after that to 3 children (young active ones at that) is really hard. Then to expect him with the 1 day he has to himself to help with the kids, I think that is asking too much. You are home with 3 kids running around all day, you don't get a break, housework to be done, and no you time because your husband gets home late. That's a lot too. In my house, my husband and I are like single parents taking care of our kids each. The only day we have "together" is Sunday, and that day he wants to run and hide as much as I do, but we work around getting family time in there. I would not get mad with your husband, but try to be more understanding, cut him some slack, and approach him more like negotiations "Honey I know we are both stressed, and I am just venting how I feel, so don't take it personally, but I am tired and I know you are too. How do you think we can work around this and what do you think we should do to help us get some family time"...He would probably welcome that more, versus you telling him how much more stressed you are and what you want him to do. In his mind he is doing more than he can. Apologize to him, let him know how YOU feel, not what HE should do...and see if you guys can patch things up. I pray you are able to work it out. See if someone can baby sit for a day or so while you are home. Good luck!

PS: Let's hope he is not purposely working "late" to avoid coming home..then that's another story. You know your husband, so see what's behind his stress!

To a certain degree, I understand both of your frustrations. We're both working parents, and our closest relatives are over 4 hours away. We are on 24/7 as parents, and it can get frustrating.

First off, there's no excuse for him to talk to you that way.

My guess is that it came from a place of deep stress and frustration. Not forgivable, but perhaps explainable. The same thing happened when I was going through chemo after the birth of our second child, was working full time, and we were trying to manage life with a 2 year-old, infant, 2 full-time/stressful jobs, and chemo every other week. My husband said some really horrible things at that time - even my therapist (which I sought post treatment) discarded them as laden in fear.

Your norm is having the kids act like that as a stay at home parent. However, employers are really making work environments stressful often asking people to take on more responsibilities, work more hours, accept pay decreases, and the morale of the general employee is way down from a few years ago. He may be feeling the stress and not acknowledging it directly to you. When I was laid off last May, the adjustment from working Mom to staying home with the kids full-time (we did keep them in daycare part time to allow me to job search/interview) was really overwhelming.

His time at home may be the only time he has to decompress, and he may not have that opportunity if they're running around pushing his buttons.

I don't have a solution for you, sorry. I just thought I'd look at it through a different set of eyes and perhaps offer an explanation having kind of gone through a similar situation.

I wish you well and hope you can move past it all as a family.
Good luck.

I'm sorry you guys are struggling through this right now.... It sounds like you and your husband are both feeling overwhelmed.....

I would suggest that you show him the empathy that you are craving--let him know that you know he's overwhelmed, and having 3 kids running around the house after a hard day is hard for him. Also let him know, in a non-judgemental way (using "I" instead of "you" -- "I feel stressed because I'm here with them all day" instead of "You never help me or give me time to take a break.") Use active listening skills to try to hear what he's saying. Let him know that you're concerned about him, and about the whole family -- non-judgementally.

Then, try to work on things that will can help. If he needs some quiet time in the house to unwind, suggest taking the kids to the park after dinner. Then on the weekend, hire a babysitter so the two of you can go out and talk and decompress. Consider doing "babysitting swapping" with another family or two, if hiring a babysitter is too tough. Ask at your church about that. A mother's helper for a few of hours every week would give you a break, and let you have some time to your self. A mother's helper watches the kids while you're present in the house (or yard), and sometimes helps with doing dishes or laundry or light cleaning. They are usually less expensive per hour than a babysitter (someone who watches the kids while you're not there). I would bet you could find a responsible middle schooler (13-14) or high schooler that could be a mother's helper, especially since it's summer.

We are in a somewhat similar but opposite boat. My DH stays home with our little one, working in the evenings, and I work full time during the day. I work very hard on the weekends & evenings to give him a break (DH needs his down-time, and has always need a lot of it, even before our kiddo came along). But I make sure to let him know that I need a break, too, and that on the weekend, I need a couple hours to myself for "me time." ... However, we weren't at the crisis point that you guys are at, before we got this (sort of) worked out so we could both do our own things/have some time off.

Also, to help him feel better--focus on the positive. Even if you don't feel like it. When he does even the smallest thing of help or kindness or appreciation for you, let him know that you appreciate it and that he's your "hero." You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar as the saying goes...

The only thing I can say is that your husband works an unusually long amount of time -- 6 days a week, 11 hours a day -- and I have to wonder if any human being is going to have any patience with ANYTHING after working that much. That's almost 75% more than the normal work week. He can't work any less? Or is he a workaholic and chooses to do that?

So, if he has to work that hard, I suggest you don't bother him about the kids, and do the kid stuff by yourself.

Then I suggest you have a family outing once or twice a month, outside of the house,doing something fun that everyone will enjoy, that way your kids will have memories of doing something fun with dad.

We have 3 kids and we need time to connect....otherwise we get frustrated. I totally hear you, but what he's hearing is that he doesn't do enough and you need him to do more. It sounds like you just need to go away for the night and reiterate how much you love him and how much you apreciate how much he does for the family.

My husband gets like this, so he started taking a vitamin to support his adrenal glands, which deal with stress. I can tell when he doesn't take it for 3 days, since he turns into what your husband sounds like. This has saved his relationship with his kids AND me.

http://www.worldlifesupplements.com/products_main.html

Maybe come up with a deal that he gets 30 minutes alone to decompress after work, maybe take a shower and then come back to be with the family.

It just sounds like neither one of you are hearing each other and he's stressed to the max.

Maybe try the vitamins my husband's natural doc gave him? I swear by them. He takes 2-3 each morning and I love him again....and the kids can tell when he's slacked off taking them - his tone changes. I started taking 1 each am and feel amazing. Sometimes, if I get that afternoon lull, I'll take one no later than 1pm and my energy comes back.

Good luck sweetie.

My husband works 12 hr days... he doesnt get home until @7:45 pm. When he gets home he justs want to relax...he can't handle stress at that point. I understand where you are coming from. I am a SAHM with 4 kids. Having the kids 24/7 and i mean 24/7 this summer is VERY hard on me. I do my best to take the load off of my husband. I can see that he has hit his max capacity during the week. When he comes home there is a frosty beer and a home cooked meal. Some moms may not agree with me...but i try not to bother him during the week. Hey...on the weekend...it's a different story...lol! He can do a couple of things then :)

I don't know if i have helped. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I know that it is a lot for us to handle during the day. I think they are as overwhelmed as we are though. Having a glass of wine with him when he gets home helps. ...or taking a bath together ;)

You're both overwhelmed. I can't even imagine it. I know my husband's patience level gets low when he's been working long hours. I think trying to engage your husband's parents, if that would work, in being a bigger part of the kids lives would be nice. They could help take some load off you, and make it easier for you and hubby to have some time together. He does need to learn to communicate better, but you can't make him. Check out the Men are from mars/women from venus books - you can at least help yourself feel better.

Good luck!

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Sorry, but everyone works hard and that is no excuse to act like a bigger baby than the kids are! He is a grown man and needs to suck it up and ACT like one.

Sure, kids are a handful when they are young, but that does not mean he should get to duck out of PARENTING them. I bet he enjoyed making those kids- they are still his responsibility now and this is not 1950 where you wait at home with a martini for him!

Try counseling, but I have to say, if all you did was try to talk to him about a possible solution to make things more pleasant for HIM, when he gets home from work, he sounds ridiculously self-centered to me.

I work all day, every day of the week and so does my husband. When we come home, we both have chores to do on top of the work we do away from the house and we both share the childcare. Incidentally, my husband did this with me even BEFORE we were married and my son was not even officially his stepson yet. It is part of raising a family- it sounds like your husband only wants to do the fun parts, but that is just not how it works.

Tell him you want to go to counseling to talk about this. If he says no, take the kids and go stay at your parent's house for a week - then ask him again before you come back. Sorry, but this grown man is running home to his mommy's house rather than talking to his wife like a grown-up about HIS kids??!? It's childish and spoiled- he needs to grow up!

Time for counseling. It's immature to leave the house in response to an argument, and abusive to say hurtful things just because he doesn't like that you brought up an issue you're having. I'd give him 2 choices, counseling (both together AND separately) or he leaves. Coming and going as a way to deal with his anger is NOT an option as a father and husband.

Greetings SH, I have to tell you that I am not sure what my 2 cents is worth but here it is.
I have 5 children the eldest we adopted at 16 that was real stress! My husband worked full time, was a student working on his Masters and very active in church. So to say the least there was not alot of time.
BUT & I do mean BUT, he knew that the most important thing in the world was to be a father to his children and taught by example how to be one. So that as our sons have become fathers they have followed his example. I have a son that works 2 hours one way from his home, is a floor layer and is working with heavy bundles all day long and the man is exhusted when he gets home... but when his children hear his car pull up-- you would think it is Christmas Morning! He sets aside his temper, his attitude, his frustrations and is totally DADDY. This is a sight to get popcorn and a chair to just watch and I often do -- just watch that is. The relationship is what they had with their father.
Now I was a stay at home mother and very busy. But my husband I learned was a nice guy and I adored him but he did not have time to entertain me and be my friend and buddy so I made friends and did things with other moms so I was not lonely or bored...me bored is dangerous my family tells me. I could take the kids and go to the library or an activity and met moms that I could go along with or even single women that needed a friend. I found tht my husband appreciated that I was the boss of my home and the fact that if it was important to me I could take care of things HIS job was to provide and to love and cherish. I also learned that we have different parenting styles. I am Tough Love and HE is all heart~ so I suggest that you really look at what you are expecting and what you are really needing. I learned to hire a sitter just so I could go tothe store alone andget it done in 1/2 the time. I would rather do that than go to dinner! So see what you think you can do about your own needs and then think about what if you were having to work outside the home as well as in the home -- you would both have to share responsibilities of the home and children. If wha you need is time ask him to read stories and do the bedtime bath routine.
Frankly, I thought that the idea of marriage counciling was a bit over the top when oyu can do the same thing for less money by discovering what your need is and then letting him know. If you are active in a church there must be things that you as a woman can do and that your children can do.
I wish you lots of good thoughts. Being a stay at home mom these days is a real gift and not to be taken lightly-- so few are able to do it. so tell him THANK YOU. glenda

Hi S. H.,

Good for you in reaching out. I have two and I have my hands full (smile). My hunch is that husband is overwhelmed and possibly depressed. I am not sure why he works so much but this is an issue. I fear he is not able to see your "work" as parent because of his state and he may have just lashed out last night (i.e., "she wants help doing her "job?" What about me?").

As a therapist, I know the signs for trouble in a relationship, and we are in harm's way here unless things change. You both need down-time and time for the relationship. Please consider inviting him to couple's counseling and even talk with your doctor about what is going on. Good luck. S. A. K., MFT

im not an expert but what i would do is see if the grandparents can take the children one weekend and have a weekend to yourselves. go do something you both will enjoy and by the second day recommend couple counseling. or see if they have any kind of programs in your area for some kind of couple's retreat? hope everything works out for you!!