K.,
I'm sorry that this is a wedge between you. Money never should be, but it happens all the time.
1. Make sure your husband knows not only how proud you are of him in what he does professionally, but in his ability to be a great father, a great husband, and that he is mature and enlightened enough to be able to care for and nurture the kids without feeling like his masculinity is threatened by it. Make sure he knows how much you think of his contributions to the family and his great influence on the kids.
2. Are you in the financial position to hire a housekeeper once a week? It's $50-75 per week, depending on where you live and how big your house is. Maybe even every other week. It would lighten the load, which would make you haqppier, and maybe if you were less focused on the housework and who does what, he would be a little more willing to give up some ground on the issue.
It's amazing what we turn into power struggles. I totally see your point, if it were the other way around, and he was working 60+ hours a week, while you worked part time and stayed home with the kids, he would absolutely expect you to shoulder the brunt of the housework. Your expectations are not unreasonable, and they're not unfair.
On the other hand, while it's not necessarily logical and rational, I can see how your husband is feeling. He already feels displaced from the traditional male breadwinner role, he's at home making peanut butter sandwiches and changing diapers instead. Now you want him to be a housewife too? Somewhere in your husband's head is a picture of Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom holding a naked toddler while wearing his wife's ruffled apron. There's no manhood in this anywhere.
Did you share housework between you before you had kids, and were both working? If so, then remind him of how well you worked as a team back then, how running a dishwasher isn't a statement on manliness, and how important it is that little boys seee that a man can be a nurturer and a responsible parent and caretaker. REmind him that if he doesn't want his daughters to wait on some man hand and foot, while he does nothing to help around the house, she has to have a positive example. Remind him that his kids will model themselves as men, and their expectations of a life partner if you have girls, after him. Doesn't he want them to see themselves as 50/50 equal partners in a relationship? If he does, then he needs to be a role model for it.
Good luck. Male ego is not a fun thing to have to work around.
Jess