Sudden Seperation Anxiety in 3 Year Old - How Do I Deal?

My son usually needed me to hang out for a bit at preschool until he got involved in a game or activity. Then he was fine with me leaving. If I just left he would stress out and it would carry through his day and make the next drop off more clingy and teary. I would usually set a time frame that I knew would be reasonable ("I will stay for 10 minutes while you get comfortable, show me something you like to do here"). I even stuck around briefly the first day of K because he requested it. It helped. People will always tell you to just leave asap and they will be fine but that is not very trust building for the child (even they they "deal with it" it can add a lot of unnecessary stress).

My son also sometimes goes through phases where he suddenly doesn't want to be dropped off somewhere like daycare. This week was an example. He was acting really strange about being dropped off. So I snuggled him outside and asked him questions. Are you having trouble with any of the teachers.? Are you having trouble with any of the kids? Anyone being mean? Etc. Turned out he wanted to play Risk by a different set of rules and some other kids only wanted to play by the regular rules. He lost the battle over it and was upset. When I asked him if he ever got time with the game to play a different way, he perked up and remembered that yes he had. He just had been focused on the negative and once the positive was pointed out he was fine with running in and getting started playing. So take some time to sort out what might be bothering her at the sitter. There are probably some emotions she is feeling but can't articulate. Good luck and phases come and go.

Your daughter may not be ready to go to pre-school. You might want to give her another 6 months and then try again but in the mean time besure and have at least one outing when you leave her with a sitter, someone that she is familiar with and trusts. This is also a phase that most children go thru so don't feel like you are alone and doing something horrible. The more anxious your are when dropping her off the more anxious she will be. Put on your happy face when leaving her and pretty soon she will take it all in stride. Good Luck!

I watched a friend drop off her young son at a church nursery and was very impressed with how it was done. They were visiting and had never been there before. The caregiver held her son while he asked her questions and the conversation was warm and friendly. I could sense that her son was feeling comforted during that time.

My son is not yet 2.5 and has his days, but when there is someone else having a hard day, I ask him if he can help may X feel better by playing with him or reading with him, etc. It seems to put his focus on the positive part of it all.

How do you help your child through this separation anxiety?

1. Choose a babysitter that your child knows and is comfortable with. For example, you may want to have your child be present during babysitter interviews. You can observe how the babysitter candidates interact with your child and an initial connection can develop before your child is alone with the babysitter. If your child is old enough, your child may actively participate in the selection of his new babysitter.

2. Choose a babysitter that will be an enduring presence in your child’s life. Your child will likely develop a bond with his babysitter, and if the same person babysits him year after year, a sense of security and comfort will develop.

3. Choose to keep your child in a familiar environment. Rather than taking him to the home of a babysitter he just met, consider having the babysitter come to your home. For your child, and for most of humanity, there is comfort in familiarity.

4. Choose your departure times wisely. If he is hungry or needing a nap, or if he is experiencing stress or restlessness for any reason, he will be more prone to separation anxiety than if you departed after nap and snack time, for example.

5. Develop a consistent routine that your child can rely on. For example: your babysitter arrives; you hug and kiss your little one; tell him where you will be, when you will be back, and that you love him and look forward to seeing him when you return home; you provide relevant information to your babysitter; and then you depart. (No sneaking out when your child is not looking.) If your child comes to know that this is the routine, a sense of security develops. (Note: if you deviate from your routine, his confidence may be shaken. You can minimize this to some degree by explaining to him what the deviation is and why it exists. For example, if you are running late in returning home, you can call home, speaking with both the babysitter and your child, to let them both know of the revised return time and the reason for it.)

6. Be empathetic but firm. As you prepare your child for each babysitter visit that may generate separation anxiety, acknowledge how difficult it is for him and remind him how brave/strong/independent he is. Remind him of other things he has done which fit the descriptive(s) you have used. Draw a parallel between his situation and how he thinks his hero (a fictional or real character that he esteems) would handle the situation. Do not make fun of or punish him for his feelings. Also, do not attempt to bribe him out of his feelings.

7. Stay away in progressively longer periods of time. It is recommended that you begin using a babysitter before your child is six months old. When you first use a babysitter, plan a brief outing. Go out for dinner with your spouse and return within two hours. As your child adapts to being babysat, you can increase the amount of time you spend away. So, where you may use a babysitter for date nights virtually from the time he was a few months old, you may, perhaps, have a full-time nanny when you return to work full-time by the time you return to work (which you timed with his entry into kindergarten).

8. Make sure that you exhibit love for your child as soon as you return home (or as soon as he wakes up after you return home). Tell your child that you missed him. Ask him how he spent his time while you were apart.

By consistently employing these strategies, you can successfully ease your child through his separation anxiety . . . and you and your child can more effectively cope throughout this phase as well.

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