Suggestions for Dealing with Son's Anxiety Issues

A. says that it only happens when there is something new--I doubt that this is severe enough for medicationas as Martha suggests! That would be like taking him to the dr for a bruised shin--not the broken bone as Martha says! If he were anxious every day about everything then yes that would be a good idea. my 2nd has always hated new situations and change--but is a great successful adult--I am glad I did not give her meds for normal anxiety. it always helped with her to rehearse situations and I found most teachers were okay with bringing her in for extra time to go over everything--that always helped her. I also found having a back up plan for her helped to reduce her anxiety. And I taught her some simple breathing and meditation techniques which she still uses to this day!

Don't make a big deal of his anxiety. Answer his questions, if he tells you he's worried or scared, tell him "don't be silly, everything will be fine", and leave it at that. The more you stress over it, the more he will stress over it.

Hi A.!

I think your son is very normal. I don't know many children or even adults that don't have some apprehension about change, and sometimes that exhibits itself in things that might seem silly to us but is really just a sympton of their real issue which is not really where he stands for the bus but that school is starting and so MANY changes are coming - too many changes in fact to even think about - new teacher, new room, new schedule, new kids, and anything else that has changed over the summer...and it all is just too much so he worried about where to stand for the bus which is much simpler. I think we all do it from time to time. The best we can do is explain how great everything is going to be and once he goes the first day he will know how it is going to be and it is going to be a GREAT year! Give him some small thing to look forward to the first day of school - like maybe you could arrange to get off early and pick him up or be home when he gets home or have a special gift at the sitters when he gets home. I really think he will be fine without medication as it truly is better to learn to work through issues than relying on pills. Be careful as all to many doctors (NOT all) seem willing to give medeicine for everything. I have lived through this at least 8 times already and my son has made it through it every time and it actually does get better by the 6th, 7th and 8th grade, but I know all elementary years were an issue. Now high school may be a challenge next year, but hopefully not! - A., The Avon Lady

My son has anxiety too. He's only 5 but we go through really rough patches about some things. (This weekend he totally flipped out over being on a boat for the first time. It's gonna flip, it's gonna sink, it's just simply not safe to sit still b/c it rocks, it's not safe to be moving, someone will hit us...AHH!) But when it comes to things like school and such I find it a LITTLE easier. We walk through his routine a few times before school starts. Drive the route the bus takes to school, wonder around the school so he gets fimilar with it (sometimes they are parent others child led.) I would take a drive up to school during the day. It's probably open right now, and random people walking around getting their stuff done. The office is definitly open, so if you just stop in or call up there and ask if it's ok to walk around to attempt to ease some anxiety I'm sure they will say its ok. :) Best of luck!

Hi A., I would suggest you go to the school a couple of days before the official start day and take him around the outside to show him everything ... where the teachers park, buses park, the playground, look in some windows, show him the doors, etc. Then go inside (be good to call beforehand) and let him look, from the hallway, at the teachers preparing for the first day of school. If possible introduce him to his teacher (she will definitely understand what you are doing), go to the water fountain, the gym, the cafeteria, the restrooms, the telephones, the nurses' offices, etc. Afterwards, celebrate with an ice cream cone or popsicle at his favorite dive and encourage him to talk about everything he saw. Be patient, reassure him in a very calm voice that his first day adventure with his other new friends means he's growing up to become a big boy (use an example of someone he likes ... cousin, neighbor, etc). AND, suggest that since he has already been to his new school maybe he can help someone else who hasn't. If he starts to get anxious, keep reassuring him and asking him questions like, "Didn't the lady in library seem nice?" "Did you see that awesome chart/toy/computer/turtle in your classroom? I can't wait until you get to play with that." "I forgot your teacher's name already ... do you remember it?" Might be good for you to meet a friend of his (and the friend's mother) at the school to preview it together. I promise you, the teachers will do everything they can to help him at your preview visit AND especially on the first day. Also, be sure to show your appreciation to his teacher in little notes, computer messages or even a gift card from Starbucks! Appreciation like that means the world to them. M.

My son is 7 going on 8. He has anxiety issues as well often related to new situations. However, his anxiety is primarily manifested around issues of the weather (afraid of rain, lightening etc...). I finally took him to a therapist. It helped tremendously! He is still anxious but is better able to cope with it. The therapist he went to advised not going with medication which was good because I don't think I would have gone that route anyways. I am actually in the mental health field but found that I can't play that role with my own son. Anyway, my advise would be to get some extra help. My son went to the therapist for about 6 months. Hope this helps!

http://www.empoweringparents.com/email_templates/08-19-20...

I was just reading about children and school anxiety, Check out the link above. Hope it helps! Lesa

Good morning,

I understand childhood anxiety. My daughter has Selective Mutism and has since she was 15 months old. It is an anxiety disorder that causes her to freeze and go mute in an uncomfortable situation or atmosphere. After years of research and trying placibos, I eventually did medicate, which was best in our case.

I think the best idea for you and your son may be to visit the school ahead of time. That is what we did with my daughter. In fact, we did the whole summer before when the doors of her school were opened. We did a lot of role playing to practice all situations that she feared. That really helped a lot.

Medicine is good for an extreme case, and only you know if that is your situation. I had to make that choice for the happiness of my daughter. Her life without medicine was a very unfulfilling life for her and was very painful for everyone who loves her to watch as we did for 5 years. It has certainly been a God send for us. I don't think it is needed in most situations. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying to say that he needs medicine- I am not suggesting that at all for you. He doesn't seem to have SM, as I have not heard any symptoms of such.

Again, role play and visit any feared situation ahead of time.

Good luck and God Bless!

A.

I had similar feelings as a child. Every time I had to do something new, I was SURE I was going to be sick! I never did learn to tell the difference between nervous sick and really sick, but nervous sick went away once I got into whatever I was nervous about. I guess it's like stage fright.

Whatever you do, don't tell your son what he's feeling is nothing; it feels real! Say, "I know you feel bad, but I think you're just nervous." Teach him breathing techniques--when you get tensed up, your breathing changes; consciously controlling your breathing can really help you relax. Teach him to think past what is concerning him; Think about coming home after school instead of getting there, and remind him how quickly he will be home again.

Call the school and talk to the principal. Ask him/her if you can visit on a day during the week before school starts, in addition to the regular open house. Tell Principal he's really nervous and what he's worried about. Teacher or Principal will most likely be happy to walk him through the routine, and that will make him feel a whole lot better.

When he gets home from school, give him a big hug and tell him how proud you are of him. Getting through something that scares you is a big deal!

Hi A.! I'm sorry to hear about your little man. I have a friend who has a son in fifth grade who has experienced the same thing for years. When he's in a new situation, he cries and gets all upset. She takes him to a psychologist, and that has helped a lot. Just make sure his teacher and the principal is aware of the situation before school starts. That way they won't think he is just being difficult. Good luck!

I don't know how long he has been having these issues but if it is a recent development he may be feeling unsure about his place in the world because you are about to have a new baby. Children manifest their insecurities in weird ways sometimes. I would just try and talk to him and see if you can get at the underlying issues. Good luck and God bless.

A.-
I have a kiddo who WAS like that. We finally realized that when we allowed her to make a big fuss- it got even bigger as did her anxiety. We now have cue words like "chill out chick" or "be cool" when she starts working herself up. We find out the real issue and ask older kids or like you ask the teacher but we as the parents remain very calm and don't play into the drama ( Not saying you are) I usually say things like- "Wow thats a Mom worry, you need to be worrying about who you are going to play with and not where to stand in line- that will all come and every body in your class will be taught at the same time now chill out chickie and go be a kid." You know ...acknowledge and defuse.

You are doing just the right thing by asking questions of his teacher etc. in order to prepare him.
If you show your concern too much about his anxiety it will only make him worse.
Be matter-of-fact about it all, talk about his concerns, and then let it go....you be calm about it and don't feed his anxiety.
Perhaps you could devise a consistent routine of handling each new situation with the same calm way...for example, writing a list of concerns (the shorter the better) and addressing each one and talking it through. Or like you are doing, asking questions about each one with the teacher, or coach, Scout leader etc.
Also, you need to remind your son that it is foolish to worry about things that have not even happened yet and may never happen.

I have a question for you: If this was a biochemical problem with one of your son's organ systems, and it was not working correctly and it could be solved with medication and a little therapy, why would you avoid medical intervention for him? When anxiety interferes with life to the degree that you are "desperate" to help him, why not look for the most effective way? If you do not know how to change the chemistry in your own brain (and who does?) how are you expecting him to do that? He has a very treatable problem.

We have a child with extreem anxiety. We did not like the idea that she had this problem, and of course we did not like the idea of medication because so many people with who do not have this problem think that we did something wrong, we didn't, it is a pysical problem, nothing more, and NOTHING LESS. The differnce was night and day for our daughter. She can get on the bus. She can use a public toilet. She does not run when she hears a loud noise. She smiles. She is not afraid of everything.

You have no idea how many adults I have talked to who are angry whent they are finally treated and they realize that they did not have to grow up in missery.

I would no more let my child live this way than I would let her live with a broken bone that I did not what to set because of what people might think. You do what you need to do to make your child healthy, no matter how some people may look down on you because of it. There is nothing wrong with treating real health issues, and brains are part of the human body and sometimes they need to be treated, just like every other organ system, sometimes, they do not work the way that they are supposed to. Brians are no different.

Talk to your doctor. Don't wait, and don't feel guilty if you decide to give your son the medicine he needs to feel better.

M.

A.,

My son is the same way. Anything new..... We just take extra time to prep him for things that are coming up. (like running through the routine at school a few times) We patiently answer his questions, don't make him feel like anything is wrong with him, etc. It has worked well for us.

We did try to teach him breathing techniques, but that hasn't worked yet.... he won't do it. We found, however, that getting him to drink a glass of water works well. (naturally regulates the breathing, I think) If that would help your son when he's getting freaked out, (my son's words for what he's feeling) perhaps give him a water bottle and instruct him to take a couple drinks whenever he feels anxious.

Funny sidenote: we used to watch NYPD Blue and always laughed that whenever the cops gave bad news to someone they always asked if they wanted a drink of water. Then we decided to try it with our son. Go figure - it really works!

And, a word of encouragement.......our son has always been this way, but it HAS improved as he's gotten older. (he's 9 now) So perhaps your son will get better at calming himself, also. I wish you the best of luck - I know it's frustrating, as well as heart wrenching to watch him go through these things. Blessings, J.

Teach him some relaxing techniques, paying attention to his breathing is a very simple one. Remind him to breath when he starts becoming anxious, and breath with him. Maybe tell him when he starts feeling nervous and is beginning to worry to take three deep cleansing breaths - and show him how to do it. Breathing is something he can do that others won't notice so much. Also explain to him that if others ask why he's breathing like that to simply tell them "I'm excited!" :) Hope this helps!!

WOW!! (I've just read the other responses!) And had to add a sidenote. :) I've been through school for massage therapy and there are MANY MANY MANY relaxation techniques that you can get from a massage therapist - and any good massage therapist would be glad to help teach you some of these techniques if you scheduled time with them. You can also borrow books from the library (this is how I gained my interest in MT) or even get information online. A mother's touch is like no other - so use your (free) God given gift!! :) Many times the head and neck (and back) are areas you can have ALOT of influence when it comes to hyper activity and anxiety - down stroking on them is wonderful. My son is AD/HD on a medium to high level and he MELTS when I down stroke on his head and neck and I have his attention instantly even in the worst situations. I would definately try some relaxation techniques before I would try medication, and teaching him about anxiety this early in life will help him so much more as his life goes on. ;) Good luck - I think you'll both be fine.

I'm really kind of surprised by how many parents don't seem to take their children's fears or anxieties seriously. This may seem like nothing to you. But, it's a big deal for him. He's just started school last year, and things are new for him. Fear of the unknown. I get it once in awhile and I would be hugely offended if someone told me that I was being silly or stupid. Ask your son what you can do to help him. Maybe even help him make a list of all his fears about going to school and then go and meet and talk to the teacher. Let him go over his list with her/him. The teacher can help him see that there really isn't anything to be afraid of. But, this particular issue may not go away until he is actually established in school. It would seem like the biggest thing you can do is let him know that he is not being stupid/silly/etc. and that you will help him.

My oldest daughter just has a cow if anything different happens in her routine...even if DH or I order something different at our usual restaurant outings...although she's getting better about it.

We've noticed that anything we can do to "prep" her helps immensely. "Okay, we're going to Wendy's tonight, and Mommy wants a CHEESEBURGER! Can you believe that?!" and make a joke about it.

Perhaps you could find out from the school where they're supposed to stand or something, then go over there a few times and let him know - "I found out from your teacher where you're supposed to stand...let's go see!!" and go over there a few times so he can familiarize himself with the area and know what he's supposed to do.

Another thing with our daughter we've noticed is to just try to ask her questions at her level that she can answer. "is there something scary?" "Is it scary because it's different?" (Sometimes answering, "What's scary?" is too broad of a question.) Also, reaffirming statements..."First grade is going to be so much fun! I bet your teacher is really nice!! When I was in first grade, we did things like ABC's and 123's - and lots of kids had loose toothes..."

For what it's worth...

My son became convinced we were going to forget him at school. We all went to counseling. He didn't become anxious in a vacuum and he couldn't be "fixed" in a vacuum. But with the whole family working together we were all able to make huge strides in our relationships as parents and as spouses.

I do agree with Martha. If your child had diabetes you wouldn't say "Suck it up!" but at the same time you shouldn't simply jump on the meds bandwagon with with out looking into alternatives first.