Support While Someone Is Going Thru Chemo

Gift cards to restaurants. You just do what you can do. I am sure she understands you cannot be there. Get a cleaning service to come in. Thankfully, chemo today is not what is was in the past. Everyone I have know that has been treated with chemo for breast cancer, has it on Friday and is back to work/teaching on Monday. It won't be weekly will it? That being said, anything to make their life easier. Phone calls and cards are always a nice pick me up.

Rhonda, FMLA will not pay the bills. So unless she is in a great financial situation, that will create more problems. For me, I know, I would never want my children to suffer financially to come and sit with me. Her husband is there to do what is necessary. She is not being selfish just realistic. I would much rather my children come spend time when chemo finished so we could get on with living together and have fun.

My thought was also to use Lotsahelpinghands to set up tasks that her local friends can help with as needed. I'm part of a group in my community that uses LHH to help out other people in our town who need support during a time of illness, injury or grief and it's really easy to use. You can use it for coordinating meals and can be specific so that as her tastes and needs change over time, you can put that info in the task. You can also put things in there that might be helpful to your dad...coordinating rides to chemo treatments if he still works and can't attend every one, doing grocery shopping, etc. A family member had a site set up when she was sick and although we couldn't do much because we were far away from her, I do recall seeing that friends would sign up to stay with her while she was at her chemo treatments or to visit at home when she wasn't well enough to be out and about. That way she wasn't overwhelmed with company at any given time but wasn't lonely either.

If she doesn't have an iPad already, getting something like that might also be good for her. My in-laws use their iPad to facetime with my younger kids and they LOVE it. It's so portable and easy to use - they'll be hanging out or doing errands in Florida and see something funny and will check to see if the kids are online and if they are, instant facetime conversation! My parents Skype my sister's kids from their laptop, but it's a bit clunky and not spontaneous. The iPad is a great way to stay connected and for older folks and younger kids, is very easy to use.

@ Ronda X...not everyone can just take weeks and weeks of unpaid leave from work. Some of us actually support our families. I know that if either of my parents were sick, I would do everything that I can for them but everything doesn't include losing my paycheck, which provides 60% of my family's income. Honestly what a rotten thing to say to someone who is seeking out ways to be supportive of her mother's care.

My suggestion ask and ask each of them. If they cannot come up with something, make a list of things you are prepared to do, should they want it. netflix, a snuggly housecoat and slippers, dinner out, a pancake care package, you could phone in their favorite take out, you could get a housekeeper, you could send audio books, you could call and read scripture, whatever works for you and or them.

When her vision was failingmy grandmother really enjoyed getting a daily call from a girlfriend who would update her on certain news stories. She would call at around 2:30 pm and chat for as long as half an hour if my grandmother was interested. Grandma also really enjoyed going to the horse track for the races and or going to church.

My point being, see what they want and honor their preferences.

Best,
F. B.

Ignore the previous poster. It is hard to try to work things like this out from separate states. My daughter was in LA on the army base when I was going thru this. She came when she could. She loved me and I knew it. But she had a life there and while yes you can get FMLA that doesn't mean you can pay your house payment at the end of the month if you take extended times off. It doesn't mean you have the money to fly out over and over. It doesn't mean you have someone to take care of your kids and your family while your gone. And it doesn't mean you don't love your mom. And she knows that. Do the following if you can.

Get her an appt for someone to cut her hair. I have been thru this from your moms end. the chemo is hard. her hair will start to fall out. it helps to get it cut short and then to actually shave your head with a bic razer. if she has someone to do it that would be good. Scarves are good. But so are bandanas for everyday around the house. they don't drag and hang down on your shoulders. I hated scarves but loved bandanas. You can find a lot of bright cheerful ones at hobby lobby for about $2 each. Does she have a local parish or church? If she does call it and see if they have someone who coordinates meals. They can take care of that for you. Find out the local deliver places that deliver. and get them some gift cards for the days of the chemo. She will be ok after the first few treatments. those are the worst. after those are done then it will just be a couple rough days each time she has the chemo. Send the cards but also call her. Get her a couple of really soft shirts to wear that button up the front because depending on what kind of surgery she had (mine was extremely invasive) she wn't want things over her head that she has to lift her arms up over her head. Good luck to her.

Do what you can do from afar. Not everyone can have family in and sometimes the family does not want outsiders worrying about them and in their space.

Having chemo is a life changing event/adventure. You do have changes in your taste buds and smells. Perfumes and foods can turn a person's stomach quicker than anything else. Popcorn is something that is not usually wanted due to the scent while cooking it. Sometimes all the person wants to do is sleep.

If you can send a nice cozy blanket for mom and a hat do so. Do get an Ipad if mom doesn't have one so that you can stay in touch. Get in touch with the local cancer society chapter and have someone visit with mom and help her answer questions. They are also good at making sure things are done or in helping getting assistance. Get a journal so that mom can write down her thoughts while going through this journey.

I say these things as a cancer survivor and as a caregiver (husband). As much as a child (adult child/or teen) wants to be with mom and dad it is sometimes best not to be there. There are times when it would have been nice for family but it was also important that these times be quiet and devotional to help gain strength to continue with the outcome.

I understand the child's need to be there but sometimes as parents we want to be individuals as well.

My thoughts and prayers go to you and your mom and dad. When one has cancer the whole family has it.

the other S.

You're very thoughtful!

She is likely to lose hair during chemo (though not everyone loses all their hair) so some hats could help and be a fun distraction at the same time.

You could talk to your dad and see if he's fine with your arranging for something like a service that delivers prepared food ready for the freezer, since you can't be there to cook. I'd check this with your dad first, to ensure that he and your mom would welcome it -- some folks find cooking to be therapeutic. Or you could get your parents a contract with a local grocery chain that delivers groceries -- they order online and the chain sends a truck to their door with the order. If your dad would say "Please don't spend money on us," get your siblings to contribute to the cost so you can tell dad and mom that it's from all of you.

Does your mom enjoy movies? If she doesn't already have streaming movies, maybe send her a gift package that you make yourself, with DVDs, popcorn and a fun container for her to put the popped corn in, or other healthy snacks. Books and puzzle books if she's into puzzles. Is there an old-fashioned candy she used to love years ago and can't get now? Locate those and send some (the Vermont Country Store catalog has tons of old-time candies that you can send).

Avoid giving fresh fruit or veg to someone who is undergoing chemo -- it lowers the person's ability to fight infections and bugs, and raw fruit and veg are usually no-nos because they can carry foodborne illnesses that could be serious for someone with a compromised immune system. And your sister needs to be sure her son is healthy and doesn't have a bug or even a cold when visiting grandma -- you do not want your mom catching anything at all.

I've worked with a lot of friends, neighbors and colleagues who have cancer, and the needs vary. Sometimes the greatest offers of help are actually a burden, because the patient and spouse have to do all the organizing/coordinating.

We've done a couple of things. First of all, it's important to know that the effects of chemo and radiation can worsen over time. Let's face it - the stuff is poison. So even if someone does well after the first few weeks, that can change over time. While your sister going out there for a week with her adult daughter and a young child (not sure of the age) seems like a good idea, it might not be in April! If they are staying with your parents, that may put a burden on your mother and father that's just not helpful.

I've done a lot of work helping chemo and radiation patients keep their energy level up - radiation saps the strength and can also cause skin burns, and chemo of course causes a lot of nausea and vomiting. So eating can be very problematic and getting enough nutrition to absorb is difficult. Making meals is a good thing, BUT right now you have no idea what your mother's appetite will be like and what she will feel like eating. If the chemo changes her taste buds (which often happens) and she doesn't really want all the meals people have put together, it can be a waste of time, effort and money. With all the clinical data available on increasing energy and increasing absorption of nutrients, and with the new advent of the first discovered super-food that inhibits cancer cell metastasis, it's often easier and far more effective to use something easy they can manage at home. I have just been to several long training sessions in cellular epigenetics, and it's been phenomenal seeing the slides of the breast cancer cells that can no longer divide (and so they die) just from exposure to a natural plant peptide. It's changing the way we look at cancer treatment.

Sometimes the food ordering from a grocery store just becomes one more task the family doesn't want to deal with. They have enough planning and scheduling with appointments, and taking each day a little at a time until they see how Mom feels.

There is a great website you can use/manage from afar that helps coordinate all of the needs - not just food, but also things like rides to appointments, someone to sit with Mom to keep her company and give Dad a break, tasks around the house they don't have time or energy for (errands, shopping, yard work, you name it). It's called Lotsa Helping Hands, it's free, and it just requires a few designated administrators (maybe you, your sister, and 1-2 people in their area - maybe a neighbor, friend, someone from church or a club they are in - but no more than 4 or it's not manageable. You can put in the dates & tasks needed, let people sign up, you can put in meal preferences and things Mom wants to avoid if she already doesn't like something or if a food aversion develops, delivery instructions (so Mom and Dad can leave a cooler on the porch so they don't have to open the door/entertain), and a whole host of other things.

What happens a lot is that people say to the patient, "What can I do?" - that leaves the patient with a JOB, to coordinate all the well-meaning friends, at a time when the patient has no focus! So LHH lets the patient communicate with one or two people who then communicate with others. You can set up a site for Mom, send that to whomever wants to help, and keep it off Mom's plate. If things change (such as an appointment schedule or a no-longer-appetizing food), you change it once on the website. Someone signing up to bring a meal can see a) food choices b) available dates/delivery instructions and c) what others are bringing on the days immediately before or after. The site also sends out reminders to people telling them they are supposed to do something on April 2nd or May 3rd.

I'd resist the urge to do too much right now because, frankly, none of you know what she's going to want or need! I know that's so frustrating.

On the hats/scarves - a lot of chemo centers have displays of headgear that patients can try on and purchase for a small fee (like $5 - many are donated by knitters, for example). It might be good for your mother to see what's available and what looks flattering on her. She might not be ready for that right now - it depends on what the likelihood is that she will lose her hair, and when in the process that might occur. Some people like to get a jump on that, others like to wait until the last possible moment because they just can't handle it right now.

Wishing you all good luck.

I would seriously consider spending more time with her. Chemotherapy does not always go smoothly and you might end up having a lot less time than you think. Hopefully not, but why take the chance? When my dad had cancer, DH took care of DS, the business and our home and I spent 80% of his last 3 months with him. When DH's brother got cancer (he is doing fine), I took care of our son, our home and our business, so he could go and not worry about anything but his brother. If you work for a larger company, you can take time off through the FMLA - this is what it is for.

You can of course Skype or Facetime frequently but being there is the most important thing you can do.

I do t think you sound selfish. I think you sound concerned and upset that you can't be there so you want to reach across the miles to help.
FMLA is UNPAID leave.
If she was alone, in sure you'd consider it.
If she has friends in the area or a church home, consider asking about the church's meal ministry.
If she has a group of new arbys friends, consider starting a page on Lotsahelpinghands.com for her. You can create a calendar for meals, help with the house, yard, transportation--whatever is needed. I'm sure her nearby friends would appreciate tangible ways to help.
I did this for a friend and people signed up for meal deliveries 3x per week for a year. (She had a husband & two teenagers.)
Since chemo requires lots of "down time" an inspirational or riveting book, hard candies, comfy throw blanket...and just be there as you can--phone, cards, skype, etc.
All the best!

If you work, and you didn't say where or not you word, Take FMLA and go--it's your legal right. A long weekend at the end of May. Huh? Leaving it to your other siblings, huh?

If you won't drop everything to care for mom, what is important to you? If your kids are in grade 3 or younger, you can tutor them yourself.

I'm bracing for backlash, but I just don't get such selfishness.

ETA: I'm not the only one who suggested that she go. As you see, some mothers gave me and the other mom flowers for our posts. Secondly, she never said if she works.