Taking a Vacation Without Your Child

Sorry to say this, but why did you adopt a child if you are still going to work full time, date, and then want to take a 5 day trip without her? You are already not spending much time with her because you are working, and now you want to have "grown up time"? Why did you adopt in the first place? Having "grown up time" once you have children is maybe going on a date night, or even possibly a weekend get-a-way IF you are MARRIED - to enhance your family life and set a good example as to what family is all about. Please reconsider. Your little girl needs a mommy to love her and spend quality time with her. You are already limiting the time spent with her by working full time, and now you want to get away, and spend 5 days with someone you are in a relationship with, while your child is being raised by someone else? I just don't understand why you would adopt if this is where your priorities are. Don't get me wrong, I am a mother of two toddlers, and yes, it is exhausting and there are times that I crave "alone time" but I made the choice to have children, and now they are my responsibility and my life. They are only little once, and time goes by so fast. Your priority right now should be raising your child and teaching your child, and spending all of the time that you can with her. This is just my opinion, but I wish you would take it to heart and think about how little time your daughter already gets - you work and you are a single mom. That is amazing, and you are respected for that. But please, Always remember that YOU are her favorite toy. Please don't break her heart - she is depending on you...

Hi, B.,

I recommend being honest. Tell her what you told us! When I was a little kid, I realized that my parents and other adults had or wanted to do things that I as a kid did not have to do nor often wanted to do (like pay bills). If you tell your daughter the truth, your daughter will respect you more and, because she will realize that the world does not end when people tell the truth in these matters, will probably behave more honestly later in life. In fact, she may even be quite proud of you for cycling that long! If your daughter has some fun activities to do in a safe environment while you are gone, both of you will probably be happy with the situation.

Sincerely,
Lynne E

It is crucial as a multi-faceted person - mother - worker - woman - daughter etc! To make sure you have time for yourself in there some times! Any woman who says she doesn't is not doing what is best for herself OR her children. Balance is key.... in all directions!

Who are you leaving your daughter with? I only ask because I have a friend who leaves her sons with a regular baby-sitter/ nanny and they get so excited because even though she comes to their house they say "they are having a sleep over" It is all about them having a fun and special time. They actually love it when their mother goes away! Maybe plan some special activities for them while you are gone.... could be a special movie and popcorn (at home or in the theater) or a small day trip if possible. You could then explain that you are having a "grown up sleep over too" .

I hope this helps and I wish you a fantastic time. Please do not pay attention to the judgemental attitudes that sometimes pop up here... It is NOT what this site is about .... but rather loving support. All the best. N.

Dear B.,

Children needed to feel wanted. Children need to feel loved. Children need a mother and a father.

If you were a 4 year old just entering this world, would you want you to be your one and only parent? One who when she does have a vacation, does not prefer to spend it with her?

Hi B.,
No need to talk about that you need alone time - which all mothers do - but kids don't understand that. Just tell her you're going on a grown up trip for a few days and children aren't allowed. Tell her exactly when you're leaving and when you'll be back. Tell her how much fun she'll have with Grandma or whoever is watching her. Call several times a day while you're gone to check in(which I do but my son won't get on the phone with me because he's usually having too much fun without me.)

I always find that I feel more guilty when I go away than I need to. Get some special new toys or books or videos for your daughter to use while you're gone.

Good luck and have fun on your trip!

I wouldn't lie to her -- I'd tell her just what you said in your signature. That it's a biking trip, not for kids. I think they get that at this age (my son is 4). Tell her that when she's older, you'd love to do a trip like this with her.

What will she do when you're gone? Plan something exciting for her to look forward to! I was just out of town for a week on a business/pleasure trip. My mom came into town and had a great time with my son. They did all kinds of fun things. It was great for both of them!

Have a great time -- no guilt!

Hi- I would say forsure don't lie to her. It is OKAY to spend time apart. I would tell her exactly what you will be doing and that you will miss her and see her in a few days.

Who will she be staying with? Is she happy and secure with that care taker?

Anyhow- I think we should all create open lines of communication with our kids.

Don't feel guilty about it, you deserve mommy time.

HTH!

I just want to say good for you on all of your decisions. I think you've already received lots of good advice- just let her know it's a grown up thing and talk about what she'll be doing. I have 2 year old twins and my husband & I spend a night/two away every couple months and I have a woman's weekend twice a year. If you take good care of yourself, your going to be able to take better care of her. Enjoy yourself and remember- she will have so much fun and you will both have lots of great stories to share when you come home.

She will be fine! Just be honest and tell her you are going on a trip. I go on girls weekend every year. It's great bonding time for the child and the other parent. Enjoy yourself!

First, I'm a little surprised by some of the comments here, but okay...

Just keep it simple. Four-year-olds don't need, or want, a lot of detail. Just let her know you'll be gone for a few days and that you'll be back. I'm assuming you'll be calling her every day, so tell her that, too. If she asks why she's not going, just say it's a trip for grown-ups only. I really doubt she'll push for any info beyond that.

Enjoy your break! You deserve it and your child will suffer absolutely zero negative side effects from her mom taking some time for herself. Anyone who says otherwise is taking this stuff way too seriously. Have fun!

I know you have a lot of advice on this one. In full disclosure, we don't leave our little ones overnight, but I totally understand the need to get away, especially since you are a single mom! That said, when we leave our little ones for an evening, we try to set up something totally fun for them and play up the fun they will have. If she is getting to stay with someone cool, talk more about the opportunity she has for a great time and that you will miss her while you are gone and look forward to sharing your stories. Now, my kids can't wait for our "date nights" since they are convinced they have more time with their friends than with the adults do doing, in their words, "boring things." Have a great trip!

I think it's perfectly okay to tell your daughter that you're going on a grown up vacation, especially since you do your best to treat her like a grown up. Mom's need time away! I would be sure to tell her that you will be coming back and this doesn't mean you don't love her, just that where you're going isn't appropriate for her.

I leave my 3 1/2 year old with Daddy or we leave her with an auntie while we get away every now and then. I think it's good for children to be apart from us occasionally.
Have fun!

Good for you for wanting to take some time for yourself. Just tell her that you will be away for a couple of days. I assume you are leaving her with a trusted person who will keep her busy. Make it more about her adventure and less about yours. You are not selfish for wanting to take care of HER MOTHER. You need to maintain that you are the grownup and she is the child. Have a good time. You will miss her, but she will be fine.

I'm sorry, but I'm just baffled by Tina L's response. She seems to be giving you a hard time for WORKING?????? Well, it may come as a surprise to her, but yes, some people have to work. It's how the mortgage gets paid and how food gets put on the table. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, but to question your reasons for adopting your daughter just because you have to work is uncalled for. If anything, adopting a child as a single mom takes courage and an unselfish heart. Keep up the good work and remember that you were able to give your daughter what her own biological mother couldn't... a home. Whether you take this vacation or not, I assure you that it will not have a life altering impact on your daughter. (Remember, she's not quite four.) And for the record, I don't work. I'm lucky to stay at home with my two small children and I have nothing but respect for those moms that have to do both.

Here's the flip side, do you think your four year old would want to spend a few days away from you every year? I doubt it.

You only have so much time with your child, enjoy it! She's still so little and really needs you. You can go on your biking trip when she's older. Perhaps when she's old enough to bike with you!

You are correct she doesn't need to hear that you don't want to take her along. Even if you don't say it, she's going to feel it when you are away for a week.

But, if you do go, just tell her the simple truth. You're going out of town for a few days, you love her and you will return shortly. Use a calendar so she can countdown the days until you return.

I'm sorry but are you absolutely sure you'd call it a vacation?
If it were a vacation, and you are normally working full time - why not go and do something WITH YOUR CHILD for 4 or 5 days- Heck make it a week!
No, it sound to me like you are taking time off from your life?
Yes, I do realize that you are single mom. This is my whole point - MOM...SINGLE...The only one she has.
5 days for a small child feels like a month.
I know - I've been there.
And yeah, my mom disguised it as work.
Trust me, she'll figure that out sooner or later.
This new relationship that you have, will work better if you show that your child is part of your life - every day of your life.
Personally, I think it is quite irresponsible to pawn off your child on someone else, and be gone for that long.

I gotta side with Tina on this one. I have four children, and my husband and I have left them once, for two days. Now, we're definitely way on the other side of where you are, but a couple things do stand out.

-- No-one is ready to deal with hearing "I need time away from you" -- I'm 43 and it would suck for me to hear it! Just because it's true doesn't mean you get to say it. Especially to a 4-year old!
-- We all need a little time to ourselves. Yours is called "work." I've been at home, I've worked full time, and I know that when I'm out of the house working, hours can fly by when I'm not even thinking of my kids.
-- Dating with kids who are still in the house is not good for them, and that's when they get to spend the off time with Dad. You're it. And that's wonderful -- you are a hero, to lots of us AND to your daughter. But guess what? Heroes don't get 5-day cycling trips with new boyfriends or girlfriends.

Can you go away? Sure -- do a fab weekend if she can stay with grandma/grandpa/the adult she spends most of her time with and trusts.

My twins just turned four. You and I can be on the same countdown together. Cycling trip in T minus 10 years -- Woo-hoo! :)

(PS -- Don't dismiss as judgemental any opinion that doesn't give you kudos -- you clearly care enough to have asked the question because you love your daughter. Good luck)

My husband and I take a trip away together at least once a year. Our children are now 6 and 4. Before we go, we really talk about what they will be doing while we are gone. Not so much focus on what we will be doing. We are so lucky that my mom is a quick flight away and loves being with our kids (and vice versa). Our kids spend a lot of time with her and she is like a third parent (the most fun kind) So the kids can't get us out the door quick enough. It's kind of like a mini vacation for them too. I would focus on what a great time your daughter will have on her mini vacation. Put a calendar together. Put lot's of activites that she likes to do on it and maybe a special trip to the movies or yogurt shop. Talk about your time away as little as possible. It sounds like you're having a little bit of guilt. My husband and I felt that the first few times we went away. You don't want your daughter to pick up on that or it will be harder for her to let you go. Don't feel guilty. You're not talking about taking a month away to trek in Nepal. A few days away is going to be wonderful for everyone. It takes a village to raise a child and your daughter is no longer as mommy centric as she was when she was a baby or toddler. As long as you're leaving her with a trusted caregiver, this will be a great experience for both of you.