Talking to 4 y.o. About Inappropriate Behavior and Boundaries

We are having issues with our 4 yr old friend as well. (our neighbor) i never allow our kids in others homes but the other kids are more than welcome in our house. 1. For supervision 2. For discipline.
I tell my kiddo that this is his house nad everyone here needs to follow all the rules. I still have a baby monuitor in his room and if they sneak in there i can hear what is going on. They can only play and watch tv in the community areas where they can be watched.
If rules are broken then there are consequences. Our neighbor is a little rough around the edges and does a lot of inappropriate things. We talk to him about it and treat him the way we treat our kids and he tries to tell us that we cant and he will tell his mom but to me that is ok and i want him to tell his mom . I am not hidiong anything.
I like the advice to ask questions and let them solve the problem
good luck and god bless. Stay on top of it!!

Hi J.,
I agree with the suggestion to look into KidPower. It's a great program for children of all ages. If you are in Colorado Springs, the website is www.kidpowercs.org. I would also recommend a book called A Very Touching Book by Jan Hindman to help you discuss boundaries and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch with your son. Good luck!

I had a friend suggest that we ask our kids, rather than tell them. For example, ask if a specific behavior of the friend's brother is/was appropriate, then ask and discuss what might have been appropriate. I constantly remind my son that we do what is right, not what other people do.

Hi J.,
About making right choices, our family does a couple of things on a regular basis. First, we study together every morning. We read scriptures together and have a family prayer, and encourage them to do them same on their own (pray). This gives us the opportunity to share and discuss values on a daily basis. Secondly, every Monday night we hold "Family Night" during which we have a short lesson, an activity, and a treat. The lesson time is another opportunity for us to pass on time-honored values. My husband and I and each of the children take a turn teaching. And besides going to church weekly, where our values are reinforced by others, we talk with our children at dinner, as we go to lessons, and on one-on-one "Parent Dates," where we go out to eat and do something fun with a child, or at bedtime. This way we have time to talk about everyday stuff and choices that they are making.

I find that taking the time to talk with my children, even my little children, is such a great way to shape values. Little children adore their parents, and they listen carefully. Being close to your children will help you have the most influence on them. I bet you are doing a great job.

A few things that we have done with our son, who is now almost six, is ask him if we can have a hug and/or a kiss before we cuddle with him, point out that mommy and daddy only hug and kiss family and very close friends, and that there are certain body parts that we only touch when we are alone,like in the bathroom or in our bedroom. We also took him to a kidpower workshop where they addressed some of these issues and have talked to him about these things on a regular basis. We talk to him about the fact that our "private" body parts are only to be touched by ourselves, parents(for cleaning purposes only), and real doctors when mommy or daddy is present. When he has crossed any boundaries that we have set for him we tell him to apologize to the person that he has offended, talk to him privately about the matter and emphasize the importance of respecting other people, and give him a time out to think about the matter. If he repeatedly crosses boundaries, we find other appropriate ways to discipline him that are more serious. The Kid Power workshop was really very helpful and made what we had been telling him sink in. It even helped us to emphasize the fact that too much affection can be a form of bullying if it makes the recipient uncomfortable. Good luck to you, you are doing the right thing by addressing these issues when he is young and will truly take them to heart.

Do take the other advice. One thing I make sure to do is to tell my children that their bellies, etc. are special and we don't just show them to anyone. We cover them and only mommy and daddy can see them when they need to. Those are just not for everyone.

The best thing I ever did was take a 3 hour seminar with Feather on preventing Child Sexual Assault:
http://www.parentingsafechildren.com/index.htm

She gives lots of great advice, references for further reading, and how to have the conversation and what to say. It helps with most issues kids are having and not just sexual predators.

GL!!