Tantrums

Oh my...I am going thru the EXACT same thing. My son will be 3 in July...we have hit the whiney, pitch a fit stage...I think this has tested me the most of anything. If he doesnt get his way he say "Dont tell me No mommy" Or even when he's not doing something wrong he is whining so bad I cant even understand what he is saying...Im just like will you calm down and tell me what you want and I will get it for you. The best thing I have found is just let him pitch his fit and not pay him any attention, it will usually end much faster than egging him on. When he wants something I make him calm down and look at me and "talk". I talked to his daycare teacher and she said the whole class is doing it...just an "age" thing...one more of those "phases". I talked to my mom about it and she just laughs and says "see what you used to do".

If any child can't get attention for being 'good', then s/he'll get it any way s/he can.

I'm sensing that you're a 'peaceful' person, and your daughter's a 'powerful' one. If so, YOU need to realize that YOU are in charge and accept that responsibility. Little kids get really frustrated when they feel that they're in control of the family, because, frankly, they intuitively KNOW they don't want that responsibility! They need someone who's mature to be the 'enforcer', if you will. (I'm 'powerful' and all our kids are 'peaceful', so it was easy for me).

My Mom's in heaven, and I'm a 50 year old mom to 4 (fairly well-adjusted) adult kids and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 'grands' (5 and under); and the best advice Mom ever gave me on childrearing is, "Don't say ANYTHING to a child unless you MEAN it." This means that you WILL enforce it, or don't even bother to 'suggest' anything to him/her. Don't argue. Don't back down. Don't give 'orders' that are merely suggestions. You don't need to be mean, but you DO need to be firm. Be the parent.

I was listening to a doctor out of australia talking about the brain and how it functions. She was talking about how around age 2 kids figure out that they are seperate from you. They are not your arm or leg, etc. Her suggestion was to hug them to help bring them back into security. She believes that they act out because they are afraid of the seperation.

However, when my son was this age I didn't have this data. I have left him laying in the middle of the floor at the store screaming. Not very popular but I wasn't going to be controlled by a 2 year old. Now please realize the whole time I was hiding somewhere watching because I didn't want someone stealing my child but I would ignore him talking to him like it wasn't happening and keep on with my task.

I don't know if that was the right thing or not but when he figured out that routine wasn't going to work I didn't see it very often. I didn't have a big drama at the check out line about I want this or that. No meant no.

He would act out more when he was hungry, angry or tired. But so do I! So assess the realities of the situation.

I have also sent him to his room to cry himself out. I have told him that he obviously needed time to cry so I asked him to go to his room and cry as long as he needed to. He of course didn't want to because there isn't much show in that, I would make him go. When he was done I would hug him and love on him. That hasn't occured that often.

You know this parenting thing is hard. I will know when he is 40 how I really did. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. I have prayed a lot. I continue to pray a lot. I ask God to help me be a good parent and to give me wisdom. I am either working on the college fund or therapy fund. I guess we will know in a few more years which one I am truly funding!

Three started to be worse than two, but in a few weeks, he came around, especially when we go somewhere. I told him my BIG rule: Care, Share and Listen and always ask for Permission. Pretty much, anytime he's in trouble, he breaks that rule in some way. I say it sing-songy, so he knows it's not a life sentence or anything, but that it is to be taken seriously b/c I tell him, "we're going to the store, I need for you to be good while mommy looks for things we need." If a tantrum starts in the store, I give him a warning, then if it continues, I pull him out of the cart and put him in time-out in AISLE TWO if I have to. I get a lot of dirty looks from people who think I'm a monster, but I also show my two boys that I'm the boss at home, in the car, and in the stores. I've also pulled over and put him in time-out on a safe spot on the side of the road or in parking lots. Now, he's 3.5 and when he starts to throw a fit ANYWHERE, I just say, "I see time-out right there," and point at a random spot in a store or on the road and his attitude changes quick. He walks next to the cart now with one hand on the cart and we ENJOY ourselves most places we go. Maybe once every two or three months I put him in time-out in WALMART or something, but not often at all. You'd be amazed at how willing employees are to help you, I've walked up to "LOWE'S" employees (and in other places) and said, (so my son can hear), "I see you have a time-out spot over there, do you mind if I use that?" Every single time, the employee of the store picked-up on my ploy and said, "sure, it's there if you need it," sort of thing. There's a Time-out is EVERYWHERE I go :)
We also use an "Angry Square" which we can take with us. I tell him, "It's OK to be angry about my decision, but you need to be angry on your square." It acknowledges his feelings, gives him permission to be mad, but sets boundaries for him to deal with it in a better way. While he's in his square, I ignore the tantrum, a few seconds later, he gets up and says he feels better. If I ask him if he likes his angry square, he says, "YES." There's a difference between tantrums for no reason, just attention and tantrums as a reaction to something that upsets a child. I never call him "BAD" ever, I just say, "It is not OK for you to act this way in the store," that's his warning, next comes time-out in aisle 10 for our family. :) good luck, it's a part of development; that they realize they can't always control their environment and they do the only thing they think will work. :) BTW, I've never had to leave a store, I refuse to let the child change the plans that we need to do; I let people give me dirty looks while my child is kicking and screaming in the store, sitting next to the pizza cooler b/c if I leave the store one time, I feel they will know they can control me with their tantrums and I'm not havin' it. :) A dirty look from a stranger once means nothing if I can get my child to respect me all the time in a matter of minutes.

I also have one daughter now. My little girl is 5 now and on the note of her screaming before daycare.. as much as it seems to never end - It is just a phase and does end = they really are fine after we leave. I think we take our children's little minds for granted. They know how to push those buttons.
I know in regards to going out in public and they start it, I would say it depends on what they are screaming about. If it is that they want something when you go in the store I would offer the advice to let them know if they are good they can play outside with you when you get home( or something they enjoy doing that they may not always get to do). When my girl did that I told her if she didn't stop we were leaving without anything. I caught her one time putting a pack of gum under her shirt at Harris Teeter and about went off on her. We talked about stealing and how bad it was. Of course it is funny now because she knows, but she got a nice pop on the bottom for that one! Again, they love to push buttons and see what they get away with so be strong and be consistent. I would ask her why she is throwing a fit and let her answer. Ask her if she thinks screaming will let her have what she wants. Hopefully the answer is no :).
Hope this helped, but I totally understand since I was there not so long ago (and even now sometimes)

I have heard that 3 is worse than 2! If thats the case than I'm in trouble. I am also a working mom and wonder if our kids act up because they want our undivided attention after being with a caregiver all day. If thats the case then maybe a little 1:1 time before the store OR go to the store before you pick her up. This way when you get home you can have a little 1:1 before you have to start making dinner.

Oh do I remember those looks in the store. My youngest daughter would not only have a hum dinger of a tamtrum she would also bang her head on the floor and hold her breathe until she passed out. Yep, passed out. Talk about dirty looks from people. They looked like they wanted to hang me out to dry. It took her about 7 months to stop the tantrums and holding her breathe. My oldest only took about 3-4 months for the tantrums. The key to tantrums is NOT to give in. If you do then they will continue this behavior in some form for years.

Hey E.,well i have to tell you at that age she will go thru some separation anxiety !! My kids did it to me to at that age ! You'll cry all the way to work,cause you feel guilty for leaving her,but after some time she will stop ,because she will figure out you are coming back.As long as you feel comfortable where shes at,then i wouldn't worry about it,but if you have doubts,then do a surprise visit and see how she is behaving,if she seems happy and not distressed,then shes ok there,just don't let her see u though ! Then she'll really start crying !! wanting to go home !! LOL I used to go to the grocery,still do ! LOL on my lunch break and get all my non-refridge food and supplies,then save all the cold stuff like milk,etc. when i took the kids !! It cut my shopping time in half and i was able to get out sometimes without a temper tantrum fit !! although,even if she still does it,DON't think you are the only one,who has a child embarrassment moment !! My kids are 8 and 10 and they still have their moments where i feel like ringing their necks in the store,cause they are picking fights with eachother !! Believe me,when i see kids acting up,i look at the mom and smile and tell her Man ! i'm glad i'm not the only one who has kids act up ! and they usually laugh ,and say I know !! It breaks the embarrasing moment for them,and reassures them,they are not alone !! Try taking in something she really wants,like a juice box,toy,cookies,something you can distract her with if she starts acting up ! believe me at least she will be quiet for a few minutes ! Well good luck !! K.

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HI E.,

I teach preschool gymnastics to 3 -6yr olds. Your child is very normal for her age. They are just beginning to learn how to deal with structure. These tantrums may not fit your schedule, but understand that it may be her way of expressing how she feels with adjusting to situations... right or wrong.

I see the children that come in class like yours... not wanting to lv their mommy... & then fine after Mom has left... or they want to be an observer... which is also normal for the age. Then I also see those that want to show off during class while their mommy is watching.

Try to feel good about leaving your child with daycare teacher... even when she is screaming. They have already told you that she is fine once you lv. Again, she is just adjusting and looking for her comfort zone.

If you are doing a long shopping trip, try not to take her. I used to get up before the family & go grocery shopping, or go late at night. Once my daughter threw a fit in the store, I left a full grocery cart of food at the store, to take her out of the situation. Usually, I tried taking her to the store only for short stints & when I was not in a hurry.

Patience is truly a virtue when raising toddlers. Hang in there!

D. M. Focht

"Shaklee -Creating Healthier Lives & Environment"

click on: www.Shaklee.net/Focht

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what your daughter is going through is normal. My daughter threw one heck of a fit one day after I picked her up from parent's day out. What you have to remember they can't verbalize or even figure out their emotions. A daycare friend could have not wanted to play with her that day or her favorite toy or play area was not available, etc. Little things can upset them and they don't know how to deal with it. Definately give her some (or more) one on one time and just keep talking to her. Be patient and consistent and try to keep your cool during these times. Be prepared to tough it out if it happens while you're in public. Do your best to ignore her behavior(as best you can) and ignore any "looks" you may get from others. Also be prepared to just leave the store and let her know as long as she behaves like that you won't be able to go to the park or get a treat, etc.

best of luck

Don't worry about being a first time mom. It's your child's first time at being a kid too so, you're both learning. My children (13,14, and 18 now),as well as everyone else's child has done this too at some point.
As for day care, let her know that you love her and hope that she has a great day, kiss her and say "good-bye" period. This lets your daughter know that her behavior is not going to affect yours. Spending more time trying to console her only rewards this episode by giving her control of the situation- meaning more time with you. This is not "bad" behavior, just your daughter's way of testing how the world and her behavior affect the one another. Make sure you have confidence in the day care providers that you're leaving your child with in case you're feeling alittle doubtful of why she's crying. This behavior should abate quickly. If not, ask more questions.
As for in public, I usually would take the kids out somewhere that I wasn't really into going to begin with. This allowed the children and myself to practice. If they misbehaved, we would quickly leave the store. This took a lot of persistance! And I often had to modify not my children's routine but, my own to make this efective. Often, it wasn't that the kids were "acting out" but, that I had taken them out when they'd missed a nap, had a really stressful day,were sick, and or they just needed a break if we'd been out too long. Kids get stressed too.
Just be patient with yourself and your daughter and remember "this too shall pass". Plus, you've already made it through the terrible twos so, you're in the clear. LOL

First of all make her responsible for her tantrums. For instance when she throws one in a store, don't buy into it. Just stand there and say, "let me know when you are done". IT is hard to do the first time, but other Moms completely understand! My daughter threw a fit in David's Bridal once, I told her to let me know when she was done and also told her everyone was watching her act like a baby. Notice I said ONCE. She has never done it since. She was 2 1/2 at the time. Also tell her your expectations. Such as I expect you to act like a big girl while at daycare, store, etc. Good behavior gets good rewards. Don't be afraid to punish your child for poor behavior anywear. But also make sure you acknowledge her when her behavior is how you expect it to be. Give her a small reward such as sticker, snack size bag of M&Ms,etc. Just make sure it is small and not going to break you every time. No big toys. She will finally learn. I think our daughters are so much alike!

Remember that the key is to ignore bad behavior and concentrate in good behavior. Turn your back to her
do not say a word... never say NO.. REMEMBER otherwise the word looses its meaning if we use it constantly.
She is seeking your attention; if she obtains your attention whether when she is bad or good she is going to continue doing what has been working for her so far.
Set the rules and expectations before you initiate any activity (going shopping, eating, playing etc) and reward her when she is being good. Use a star system. More information is at Regional Intervention Program.

Unfortunately, I think the tantrums are just an age thing ... but things will get better! ;) I'm a full-time stay-at-home-Mom, and my son still had terrible tantrums (from about 20 months until he was about 2 and a half). He's always been extremely verbal (and emotional ... both good and bad), but the tantrums didn't subside until he started talking more in complete (and very comprehensive) sentences and paragraphs (right before he turned 3 recently).

Now, I will say that I've also heard that 3 is worse. I don't find it to be (at least yet)! It's different, and poses new challenges. The temper tantrums he used to have (sounds very similar to your little one) started to disappear (I was thrilled!), but now he can verbalize his "ugliness" more! Ha ha! I think it's easier, as he seldom really "pitches a fit" any more. But, he still can get pretty nasty when he isn't getting his way (toddlers are lovely, huh)! ;)

I think you'll see a change the closer to 3 she gets. Try to stay calm and pick a method to deal with your daughter's tantrums (whether ignorning them, talking to her, time out, etc.) ... you have to figure out what works for you, and I promise things will get better soon! ;)

Good luck to you ... I think we might all survive these toddler years! I hope! I have a daughter who is almost 1 and a half ... so I've got another one to go through all this again with ... ha ha! Wish me luck, too! ;)

most of the time, kids this age are after attention. when my daughter was this age, she had a tantrum in the store almost every time. i just stood off to the side, and told her that when she was finished we could continue our shopping. you get a lot of rude looks from people, but it really works after a while. as long as you dont give in to the tantrum, they will get shorter and shorter every time.

My son went through a similar phase. And it was a phase, though it lasted longer than i would of liked , a few months or so. I think , he was going through some sort of growth spurt. Because when the phase was over he seemed much more mature and better behaved than ever. He's certainly not perfect but he doesn't have any full blown tantrums anymore. As what to do while she's in this stage, I'm not sure. If we were at home, i ignored the behavior or sent him to his room for a time out. If we were out and about, I would usually leave wherever we were because i was uncomfortable. I'm sure you know this but DO NOT give into her demands in public just to quiet her, i did that for a while and of course it just made it worse.
Like i said I believe its probably just a phase, and it wont last forever.

Hi E., I used to teach pre-school and now I am a dance teacher, so I have worked with children a lot. It sounds like your daughter is having separation issues when you drop her off at daycare. With you working full time my guess is that it is a little stressful trying to get ready for work and get her ready for daycare, so by the time you drop her off she's not had as much of her Mommy as she thinks she needs and doesn't want to let you go. This happens a lot! And I am sure she is fine once you leave so the best thing is to reassure her that you will be back, give her kisses and get out quick so it doesn't escalate into a full blown tantrum. Don't feel guilty about leaving her there crying, once her audience (you) is gone she no longer needs to act out! As far as shopping etc., explain what you expect and set reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior and stick to your guns. If she thinks you're just bluffing, you're sunk. You can try bribery like "if you can be a good girl in the mall, we can have an ice cream after", but if that doesn't work go for the consequences. I did take my oldest out of a store for a spanking once when she was about 3, but it was the only one she ever got. After that I made it clear that if I counted to 3 she was gonna get one and I never even got to 2. Some people don't believe in that, but it worked for my 3 kids. Hope this helps.

Hi, I was a daycare teacher for 5 years. I also have 2 children of my own 10 and 4. I have went through tantrums with both of them. First of all your child is totally normal. It's just a phase. I agree with some of the other mothers, do not give in or it will last even longer. At daycare you just have to say your goodbyes and turn around and go or it makes it worse on you and the teacher. Out of sight out of mind!!! Your child will adjust to what happens daily , and what happens at what time and how you expect them to act and tell her when she is done with her tantrum you will talk about what is upsetting her but you will not listen to tantrums, that we talk to each other with calm voices and reward her when she does, things should change once she finds out you are not going to give in. Children will test us everyday, but we are the adults it's our job to teach them the way, or they will be out of control and I know you as well as I we love our children and want what's best.