My son has just turned two a month ago and has started with what I'm guessing is the terrible-twos tantrums. He does not do this all the time and sometimes not over the same things. He will scream at the top of his lungs and act like you are beating him and half the time we don't even know what triggered it and we look at him like something is wrong and figure we just have to let him get it out of his system because nothing else works. I guess my question is, How long does this last and what can I do in the meantime? Sometimes distraction works, but not always. After this is over, usually and hour or so, my son, my husband and myself are thoroughly exhausted. Are there ways to prevent it? Is it just their way of showing frustration? I used to have a book when he was an infant that would give you a heads up on what was coming and it was very helpful. Any suggestions on books?
He is a very good child outside of all this. He never does this at daycare and they think he is an angel. It just causes a lot of stress in our home when he has one of these episodes, especially when we have no clue what triggers it. I could understand it if he was doing it because he wasn't getting something he wanted. But he is just at an age where he doesn't know what he wants half the time. Is this normal??
I just want to thank everyone who has written me about how to deal with and the possible causes of these "tantrums." It has given me a lot to think about and I do agree with the many who said that the attention it gets, just makes it last longer. So I will talk to my husband about that and hopefully we can find a "safe" place for him to work it out.
I didn't tell everyone this, but usually he does tell us after it's all over "I'm all better now." So I don't think he can help it most of the time because he handles not getting his way pretty well most of the time.
I do plan on finding a book that helps me to better understand things which helps in what we do about it. Thanks again!
D.
Hi D.,
If, after trying them for a while, the great suggestions you've been given don't help, and if he really is trantruming for an entire hour (and not that it just "feels like" an hr - I know how that is!), please get in touch with me. Hopefully, it's just a phase though.
Good luck!
Hi D.,
You've received some great responses, and I will just add that my almost 2-year old has also been having temper tantrums. I'm not quite sure what triggers them, but every time it happens I place him in the floor of his room and tell him he can come out when he's finished. Like others have mentioned here, once the audience is gone, the tantrum is usually quickly over.
Now, when one begins to start, I'll ask him if he needs to go to his room, and he will immediately suck it up and say no. The first time that happened, the clouds opened up, the sun shined and the angels started singing!!!
Good luck!
I'm in the same boat as you. My son turns two in December and has screaming fits after he has been playing and happy the minute before. We call him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because his tantrums are so horrible. They think he is such a sweetie at preschool, but he's only there two days a week. At home, I try to figure out what's wrong. Sometimes, even though he says "no", I give him juice and a piece of fruit and that calms him down and he's in a better mood for a while. I think going through a growth spurt and needing more food than usual may be part of the problem. Who knows for sure!?
D.,
I did the exact thing as a child. Just like you said, I only ever did it to my mom. I was a very shy, quiet girl otherwise.My mother swears up and down it had to do with food allergies but I look at it like this...Even when you are an adult and you are angry or upset about anything you can have a tendency to take it out on the one closest to you. So, in my opinion its not necessarily something you are doing to him to make him this upset. It could have been alot of little things that he is frustrated about and when he finally decides to let it out it becomes one huge temper tantrum.My advice would be to encourage him to express to you his feelings about everything (the best he can at 2, which may be part of the frustration, he doesn't know how to communicate everything he feels)and give him ways to take out his frustrations. Let him do lots of physical activity, let him be creative and most of all if you do find out he is frustrated about something, try to help him resolve it, not just hope it goes away. I hope this helps you see things from his perspective a little better and maybe helps solve the problem rather than having to deal with the tantrum after it happens.
I am reading 'The New Strongwilled Chilled' by Dr. James Dobson. My youngest is 5 and he is still throwing fits. Don't get discouraged, my other 2(now 12 and 15)went through terrible 2's, trecherous 3's and then calmed down. One thing I always have a hard time with is when a 2 year old throws a fit, how much should you disipline? Saying no a bazillion times gets tiring I know, ignoring the tantrum works sometimes, time out is good if it works for you, taking away toys works but also punishes the parent(so it is in my case) The thing you need to do is don't give in to anything he is throwing a tantrum about, it only reinforces it and the tantrum will be bigger next time. I have never turned to books on parenting until now and I have found that though you may not agree with everything in 'The New Strongwilled Child' it gives some VERY good advise and will not make you feel like a bad mom. And remember all kids are different, what works for one, may not work for another. Good luck!
A.
I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH!
When my daughter (now 17) was about 3, she was like this. I have 3 children (17, 14, and 6) and have seen temper tantrums. This was not a normal temper tantrum or even a temper tantrum. The best thing I could find to compare it to was what some people call "night terrors". (It did not happen at night, usually in the middle of the day.)
She had this problem for months; raging fits where she was completely unreachable. I tried everything I knew to do and many of the things already mentioned by some of the other moms. She was a great child before and after and no one would believe me when I asked for help. When I tried to describe what she was like, they looked at me like I must be exaggerating. She was never a behavior problem for anyone, but very loving and talkative. After a while I quit telling anyone about it; I was ashamed, thinking it must be something I had done and I was a bad mother. I even hesitated to post this message, not wanting to relive the judgemental attitudes I faced.
I am a Christian and I prayed for her through all of it. At one point I even questioned to myself "is she possessed by a demon"? The reason my weary mind even jumped to that thought was this: It would start from out of the blue, sometimes when she woke from a nap and sometimes for literally no reason at all. When she was throwing these "rages" her eyes were completely bloodshot. The episodes would stop as mysteriously and as suddenly as they started and immediately her eyes would be clear. (very freaky) By the way, she was completely unaware of what she had done when it was all over. She did not remember anything.
Her episodes would never be shorter than 30 minutes and could last as long as an hour and a half. She would be completely content one moment (or asleep) and in a complete rage the next. I am not sure she could even hear me when I tried to communicate. She did not want to be touched and she did not want to be left alone. She was not hitting at me or trying to hurt herself, she was only screaming at the top of her lungs.
All I can tell you is, she finally stopped having them after about 6 months. I do not know what started them or what ended them, only glad they left.
I have a friend whose son went through this for a much longer time (years). As he got older and could communicate, things got a little better, but he became violent to his brothers. He ended up seeing many doctors, including a neurologist. He is doing better now.
All this to say: Hang in there, hopefully it will pass or he will grow out of it. Keep asking your child's doctor about it until you get the help you need. Good luck.
it's normal behavior for his age. different things can trigger tantrums, but sometimes nothing in particular can trigger them. what i did with my daughter is set in her room and let her have her tantrum. i told her when she was ready to calm down and act like a big girl, then she could come out. that would make her more mad, but with the door closed she could be as loud as she wanted till she calmed down. just watch for clues...overly tired, hungry, over stimulated, etc...that seems to make them worse. he'll grow out of it, but it'll take a while.
Hi, D.,
I do not know how to tell you to avoid the meltdowns but, am hoping what I tell you to do during will help. Sit on the floor, sit Noah on your lap. put your legs over his legs, cross your arms over his crossed arms and rock.
When kids are having a meltdown,part of it is that they are not comfortable being out of control, and, to a degree do not feel safe with how they are acting.
What i have suggested to you creates a human papoose, letting them feel safe, and, they calm down.
When you first start, he may scream and rant. Just use a soothing voice, tell him to calm down, and tell him when he does you will let go.
Normally, when they reach the calm point, they are spent.
Good luck to you and Noah
My grandaughter use to do the same thing. Note I say, use to. We didn't know how to get her to stop and then one day she did it at the doctor's office, in the room we were waiting in. The doctor said, "I will show you how to handle this", and she let me, my other grandaughter and herself out of the room and closed the door. Cheyenne cried and hit her head and yelled and after about two minutes, she started sobbing. Then the doctor opened the door and put her on the table and examined her. She never pitched the fits again. It's worth a try for your son too.
You may want to talk to the doc if these are lasting up to an hour. I would try not to just distract, I would walk away and ignore him. Leave him on the floor and go about whatever it was you were doing. Talk over him, etc Let him know that this does not work. He is not going to get your attn no matter how loud he is. He is only two so cannot control his emotions but he does need to learn that tantrums do not help. You can try time out but he may not stay. You can try to talk sternly to him and give him warnings of what he will lose if he does not stop screaming but if he ignores you, walk away and say, "when you can stop crying and talk to mommy, come and get me, I don't listen to boys throwing a fit"
W.
From my experience, it is SO normal. When I read your post, I remembered back to how I felt when my daughter was doing the same thing. She is now a perfectly delightful 4 year old, but when she was 2 there were times when I just didn't even want to be around her (I know that sounds horrible to say, and I never admitted it until after!).
I forgot what book I read, but it was something about child development for two year olds. It helped me to read about what was normal, because I felt like what I was dealing with was so crazy.
Looking back, most of the frustration has to do with communication and not being understood. That gets better when their speech improves. Sometimes, though, it would start because she just didn't get what she wanted. When that was the case, I told myself 'remain calm, respectful, and firm'. When she started a tantrum, I did not give her what she wanted. Even it was something I was going to give her anyway, I worked with her to calm down, and told her that she could have it once she stopped crying. This was really HARD! But I have to say, now she knows that tantrums don't get you what you want.
And finally, sometimes she would just have a tantrum for no reason. Hang in there. Remember that there are times you can't prevent the tantrum, but you can help him out by being consistent, loving and firm. Good luck!!
Tantrums at this age are more an expression of 'frustration' than anger. They KNOW what they think, know and want, but they can't EXPRESS it adequately or accurately. They want to DO things, but they can't TALK ABOUT them. Diversion works a lot. Simply draw their attention to something else. Don't make a deal of the 'tantrum', because kids will innately do whatever gets the most attention -- GOOD or BAD! They will do 'bad' things for 'bad' attention before they'll go unnoticed. It's up to us as parents to make sure they get GOOD attention for doing 'good' things and keep the balance!
D., I am wondering if he has 'words' to show his feelings, so instead he just screams? Is he verbal? Maybe he is trying to get attention, now that is to be taken lightly as it is not to offend you or insinuate anything, I am just trying to pick my brain to give you something to consider.
Remember to always do what is best for YOUR family.
John Rosemond, Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. Excellent book. Can't recommend it enough. You can find it on www.amazon.com, or on his website www.rosemond.com. One thing he says is to get the child the heck out of your face when he's throwing such a tantrum. You shouldn't have to endure the stress, nor the rest of the family. Take him somewhere quiet and tell that that is where he may have such a fit, like maybe the bathroom rug. Show him how to get down on it and scream and have a fit (it will catch him off guard and make him wonder what the heck you are up to). When he tries to have the tantrum anywhere else, remind him that that behavior can take place in that special place and take him there. If I'm at my wit's end, or hopefully long before I get there, I'll take mine to his room and lock him in there for an hour. At the end of that (if he hasn't fallen asleep because he was tired anyway) he is ready to be nice and come out, and he thinks twice about such behavior later. The whole family shouldn't have to endure his tantrums, and that puts all the attention and focus on him. Good luck!
I just read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. It is great. Take a look.
