Hi moms! Thank you in advance! My 19 month old Kaylie has always been a bit more dramatic then others her age. Depending on where we are it is an absolute battle to make her leave. I have left Gymboree with her over my shoulder kicking and screaming several times. I am a huge advocate of time outs and she has no problem sitting for as long as I make her and will do it anywhere we are, but it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Today I met a dad at the park with his son who was Kaylie's age. After they were done playing and it was time to go, he hopped back in the stroller with no fuss and they were on their way. I was so amazed! I would love any advise on fixing this behavior.
Thanks so much, moms!
J.
Thanks to everyone! What a great idea to use a timer! (why didn't I think of that?) I love the idea of using something visual to remind her when it's time to go and also to teach her time. Then to make a game out of leaving. I think I always mentally prepare myself for the worst, so I probably send out negative messages before anything even happens. Great advise and I'm excited to try these new things. I think I'll even get one of those huge old school kitchen timers so then the mom's at Gymboree REALLY think I'm crazy! Just Kidding!
~J.
I made a deal with my daughter at that age. If she was going to have a fit every time we had to leave, then we had to stop going. I also made a huge deal if she left cooperatively and I reminded her that we'd always be coming again. It took a bit, but she got it. Good luck!
Welcome to toddlerhood! Obviously all kids are different and your daughter appears to have a problem transitioning and that little boy does not. One way to ease the pain is give plenty of time for her to get accustomed to the idea a transition is going to happen. Start 15 or 20 minutes early and let her know the time is ending and you are going to wrap it up, then keep reminding her AND give her something to look forward to so the transition is positive not negative. Something along the lines of "Kaylie, in 5 minutes we'll be going home and when we get there we can play a game of hide and seek". Don't mention that nap time follows the reward... that will just upset her!
My son was in a special needs class from 3 - 5, this is always how their teacher help kids who had transition problems.
L.
I think she is just frustrated...which isn't fun! At 19 months she is still maturing mentally and doesn't see the big picture of why we need to leave NOW, therefore is overwhelmed and upset :-( In these cases in my opinion, punishment doesn't give her a chance to understand what's going on nor empathize with how she feels as she develops. Sure, punishment (time-outs) might work sometimes or for some kids, but it really doesn't stop to understand why or how they feel, it just says that it doesn't matter. I'm all for having them learn by understanding how they feel about what is going on.
I have tried many things with my kids, and my dogs (LOL, it's true!) and motivating them to WANT to do whatever it is that you want IMO always works better than the threat of a negative, undesirable event. I would suggest having a special reward in the car all set up that she has the chance at getting once you leave wherever you are and she is secure in the carseat. Not HUGE things, just stickers, a small car or figure, a snack she would love, the chance to listen to her favorite CD on the stereo on the way home (or DVD if you use that), a special drink, etc.... Amazingly, I even tell my daughter that we need to hurry and get home so we can get ready to greet Daddy when he comes thru the door....or that we need to go home and start supper together.... Anything positive changes the tone, mood and demeanor or the entire transition. Anything negative only brings more anger, frustration and the feeling of not being understood... Good Luck!
Hi J.. Don't ya just love this age! Haha. Okay, seriously - here's what I do and yes, it works. Tell your daughter, before you go anywhere, that when it is time to leave - it's time to leave. If she gives you a hard time at leaving time, then tell her, we will never go back. And mean it.
My son was the same way when he was that age. So we started telling him if before we ever got to the place we were going, that if he acts up, we won't ever go back.
He understood the first time that we meant business. Because after this warning, he acted up at leaving time at chuck e cheese and it was about a year before we went back. Anytime he asked about going, I reminded him he didn't listen and so the answer was no. Try this. And Good Luck.
Hey J.,
My son tends to be a bit more dramatic than others as well. We used to have the same issues as you when it would be time to leave. Until I started using a timer. Most cell phones come equipped with one. Approximately 5 minutes before I want to leave I tell my son you have 5 minutes, then I start the timer. I remind him when there's 3 minutes left and then again when there's 1 minute left. This gets them mentally ready to leave instead of breaking into their play and telling them it's time to go. Now, if he was really into something he didn't want to leave there still may be some tears and moans and groans that he wants to stay, but as far as the full blown tantrum we don't have very many of those when it comes to leaving the park etc. I take my son to Kindermusik classes and we would have the same issue as you do at Gymboree of not wanting to leave. I let him play for 5 minutes after class and then we leave. But I always, always use the 5-3-1 method with the timer and it really has worked for us. He's used to it, it's consistent and when I start the countdown he knows I mean business and when it's time to go, it's time to go! I started this with him when he was about 18mo old. Now he's 3 1/2 almost 4. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!! :)
I had the same problems with my little girl (she's now 17). I ended up taking a small timer with me (my watch, a kitchen timer, or you can use your cell phone). When it was time to go, I'd set my timer for 10 minutes. I'd tell her that we need to leave in 10 mins and I would give her a few warnings during that time; a 5 min warning; then a 2 min warning. When the timer went off, that would be when we left, no questions asked. A few times at first it was a fight, but it got easier and easier. I would also play games such as... I'd tell her a special surprise was waiting in her car seat when we got back, or (her favorite) there would be a special friend (a stuff animal) waiting in her car seat or hiding in the livingroom at home.
Above all... make a plan and stick to it. Consistancy is the key!
Good luck.
I feel your pain and actually am glad to know that others go through what I go through. I have 2 boys (3 and 1/12) and I thought it was just a "boy thing". I have gotten to the point where I don't even like doing fun things because I know it will be such a struggle when we leave. All I do is threaten that we won't go back to the fun activity again if he can't learn to leave nicely. Timeout is a joke with my kids!!! Sorry I can't be more help but just know you are not alone.
This is totally normal behavior for a 19 month old and not a sign of serious behavior problems later on. Really, at this age, they don't have the memory to realize, "oh, yes, last time I was at the park, I didn't want to leave and threw a tantrum. Mom was unhappy, so I better go quietly this time, or she won't take me anymore" No, they only know what is happening now. They don't develop this type of behavioral memory for some time. So, not taking her to the park won't have any effect on this except that you wont' be able to practice leaving skills. We did the 10 min, 5 min, 2 min warning. I also use the cell phone timer. Remain calm and know that this is normal behavior and you are teaching her a skill. How to leave. My son is nine and I still give him the heads up time that we have to leave. But, at this age, it is just a courtesy, so he can wrap up his playtime and have some closure. He still doesn't want to leave, but hasn't thrown a tantrum in days, just kidding, years. I also think that distracting as you leave is a good idea. "What do you want to listen to in the car, music?" or "Let's hop like a bunny to the car" Games are great and they make doing something that is not fun, like ending playtime, with something fun.
Good luck, this too shall pass.
L.
Good Morning J.,
Yes, this is the time they come into their own. They are finding out what works and what doesn't. What you will put up with and what you won't. The wonderful world of manipulation!
Kaylie knows exactly what she is doing and loves to watch you freak out! Yes, at this sweet young age, they already have control over our behavior!!! This could be the beginning of some serious behavioral problems that may go into her teenage years and then yikes, you will really be upset.
It could be time for you to re-evaluate why you allow her to have 'fun' times when she cannot behave. If she chooses to behave like you say she does, then don't take her anywhere. The problem is we think that they should have all this outside activity so they can be around other children, NOT! They are young children, you are molding her to be a nice person and then a good teenager.
Please don't allow her to make you feel bad or doubt your position of her mother. Be strong and don't give her things until she gets rid of this 'attitude.' Trust me, it's easier to deal with this now then when she is 10!
Good luck and be strong!
L. Hein
Author of THE BOOK "I'm Doing The Best I Can!" (They won't always be cute and adorable)
www.lisarhein.com
my advice is don't compare your child to other children. that will save you the stress of worrying rather or not your daughter is normal. patience patience patience! this behavior will pass, in the meantime...keep setting a good example by not giving into her tantrums and always remain calm...even trying to talk a young child through her tantrums can be effective!just remember that your child is a blessing and focus on the good things about her...the rest will take care of its self because she is perfectly normal!!!!
When my kids were small, I would do a "countdown". I'd announce that in 10 minutes we would be leaving, then again at 5 minutes and so on. Transitions are difficult for most kids and this countdown will get your little one mentally prepared to leave and it won't be an abrupt change.
My two year old was like that for a little bit. I realized that I needed to see it from his side. I started talking about it at home before we left. Like..we are going to go to the swings for a bit then to the store. Then I start telling him things he likes about the grocery store (seeing lobster and whatnot). Sometimes I would get his puppets out and do silly skits about how we don't cry etc. Every child is different but I think with all the advice given maybe you can hopefully figure out what is right with you and your girl.
My first child, Stephen was that way. It was all about the transition, even at school. I learned that I had to let him know ahead of time when we were leaving. I started giving him a 10 min, 5 min and 2 min heads up - "Stephen we are leaving in 10 more minutes, you have 10 more minutes to play" etc. I also worked with his teachers so that he knew his schedule and they would give him a 5 minutes to finish up, or we are going to read a story in 5 minutes. Things like that. He is know 13 and still likes to know what is going on that day and hates it when things change or we suprise him with something. This is such an easy thing to do, and it just takes away so much crying and stress on both sides!
Hope this works!
S.
