3 Year Old Tantrums

Hi
I think the 5 minute countdown warnings are great. When they are not possible I tell my son "we need to leave nicely or we wont be invited to come back." If he chooses not to do that I just carry him out kicking and screaming and talk to him about it when he calms down.
Good luck

It's awesome that you have already picked up on the fact that he needs transitioning cues. Most parents just think their kids are difficult and don't realize that they just have a hard time transitioning. My son too has trouble transitioning but at school they do fire alarms and he is compliant. So it is possible to train him for emergency situations but that's just it, you have to train him. You also have to train yourself to give transitioning cues throughout the day (like for his nap). If he has a routine that's always the same he would be much more compliant but it's not a perfect world so it's better to cue before any transition. We have a timer and that seems to work. Try to make a mental note for yourself that when you are getting ready to go you cue him for 3 minutes because it doesn't always have to be 5 minutes. I know it takes me at least 3 minutes to get my purse, fill my water bottle and grab a sweater. Having a child like this requires training for you and for him. Back to emergencies, it would be a good idea to do false alarms once a week. You can push the button on your fire alarm or run a test signal on your home alarm (if you have one) and run him through a test. It will be chaotic at first but after a few times he will learn that those noises mean business. Best wishes.

Hey There S.,

yeah!!! This is the age they start "pushing" the how far can I push Mommy buttons!! I always tell my kids, (now 17~son and 16~daughter) that they are on my time!! Tantrums only leads to bigger tantrums as lives gets more demanding for you and your family and there will be more times then none that, thing will end up not being planned for!! So I say, nip it in the butt and give him some "time out" everytime it happens!! I work at a Elementary school and see it every morning with the same kids, and alot of time the parents are late for work cause the child has a tantrum about being dropped off to school, so see now is the time to work on it!! Good Luck!!

well, in the first place, life doesn't always give you a chance to prepare for changes......let him throw his fit....how will he learn to adapt to change later in life?....it's good that you prepare him when you know but don't beat yourself up for "lack of preparation" on your part.....he's a kid and kids don't always like to stop what they're doing to get ready to leave or take a nap....i have three kids of my own, and two step-daughters, from 17 thru 29.......their dad had a heart attack on friday.....to my surprize and joy, they are the strongest kids in the world....
you need to be firm and let him know what you expect of his behavior.....example: if you're visiting someone, on the way there explain that when you say it's time to go, you don't want him to throw a fit or he won't get to go the next time....and if he does well, then praise him when you get to the car and are on your way home..."thank you for being so good when i said it's time to go"......please and thank you go a long way with kids....if he doesn't do so well, don't take him the next time.....i know it sounds mean, but it worked for ALL of my kids.....from visiting to the grocery store......one time of being left behind was all it took....if kids know what you expect of them they're more likely to do it....at least until they're teens!!!!! lol.....good luck...and God bless the woman who deals with three boys!!!!!

Aww Mom your doing fine, he will get over it, he just doesn't want to stop what he is doing, my son hates surprises, although we can't always please them can we, and if they have a attitude about it, well to bad, get over it, and if they won't get over it, then we help them get over it, the minute we count to three ( smiles ) you doing great.. continue to be a great Mom !!!

It sounds as though it takes longer to do the damage control without the warning than it would to take some time out for the warning--even without advance planning!

Hi S.,

Unfortunately, tantrums are totally age appropriate. The best thing to do is ignore them, which I know isn't always possible. Try to never give attention to it, even negative attention. Just walk out of the room whenever possible. You don't want to reinforce them.

V.

Hi, I've dealt with this a lot with my son. I think that a real key to getting through these is to turn things into games. My son enjoys a challenge, so I might say "let's see if you can put your shoes on before I count to 100." Or make it some sort of a race between you, and when he wins, just rave about how fast he is. I can't even begin to describe how effective this was with my son. Just have fun with him and be goofy.
Sometimes distraction is such a powerful tool in getting through things with kids.
If I think of more things, I'll write back to you, but for now, that is my greatest suggestion.
By the way, sounds like you've been doing a great job and that you're a very aware mom. As for not planning things out, no one can ever plan everything. We can do our best, but life just doesn't work that way, so don't be hard on yourself. You're doing great!
All the best,
M.

Consider yourself lucky that he responds well to warnings--some parents don't have that!! Obviously he doesn't transition well, and you have to respect that, or create a lot of misery for you as well as for him. This means more planning on your part, mom. I had a son like that as well, and I know it can be done. Not that it's easy! When I'd forget to warn him, I found out it was better to delay my start time by 5-10 minutes and have a calm son, then to hustle it up and have to deal w/a tantrum. Bottom line, you probably end up getting out of the house even earlier by postphoning your trip a few minutes to accomodate his warning. There will be a few times here and there where you can't postphone it, but with good planning on your part, those really will be few and far between. The hardest part is that YOU have to adapt your schedule to allow for his temperament, but it will make life so much easier, so it's worth the extra work on your part until you get used to those infernal warnings! These kinds of children usually do best with a "schedule", so that would also make your life easer--they know lunch is "normally" at this time, follwed by nap/rest time, etc., dinner at this time, bath and bed at this time, etc. A book that helped me was "The Difficult Child" (can't remember the author, but I'm sure you can find it on Amazon), also I'm a big fan of John Rosemond http://rosemond.com/view/389/9891/Home.html

Good luck!!

Hi S.,

I wrote in a while back with the same concern for my three year old! I have never been the Mom who bribes her son with treats for doing what I expected of him. However, one mom wrote to have a special treat in the car waiting for him. So I did. I actually carried a small baggie of 5-8 jelly beans in my pocket. When it was time to leave, I just let him have a little peek of what he would get when he walked to the car and got into his carseat without the struggle. I also gave him the transition time and the talks before and during, but this candy thing really worked!!! He was a different child after this technique. He is now 3 and 3/4 and it is less of a struggle without the jelly beans all the time. His hardest struggle was leaving a park, or a friends house. Thanks to Moms and their suggestions, this site works! Good Luck and God's Blessings! Please let us know how it worked for you.
Cheryl

Hi S.:

I'm not sure I have any advice yet - more like sister solidarity. I'm having the same trouble with my three-year-old. We are always late, weekdays and weekends.

He tends to throw tantrums in the supermarket. I have often sat on the floor (or stood) right there in the store just holding him for up to ten minutes until he calms down and stops kicking. Needless to say, I often have scratches and bruises all over after that. My threats are usually - if you don't behave, no Diego and no Dora. If he continues, I add in all the rest - no Little Bear and no Max and Ruby - all his favourites. Then I tell him that he will watch Jeopardy with Mama for two days. Sometimes he calms down and says that he will behave. I have a new one, too. The other day, he told me he would like to watch "Fresh Yogurn". I said "Fresh Yoghurt"? No, Fresh Yogurn. He tried describing it to me - blue and orange. I later found out that it was Backyardigans. I haven't watched it with him yet, so I don't know if it will become one of "our" favourite TV shows.

Yesterday, he was so upset that he threw up. I stood holding him in the grocery store until he calmed down. He was calm right up till the end of shopping. When we got home, I sat him down and we had a chat about what had happened in the store. I asked him why he had been screaming like that. It took him a while, but he eventually told me that it was because his shoe fell down (he ended up throwing up on it, anyway, and couldn't put it back on). I said to him that all he had to do was to tell Mama calmly and quietly. I made him repeat twice quietly "Mama, my shoe please". Then I said that was all he needed to do, rather than screaming and kicking. I acted out what he looked like doing this, which he found very funny. And I said, none of that. Instead you say... and I made him repeat it again.

I don't know if he will remember this. I will test it this week and weekend, and keep reinforcing it, and hopefully, it will work.

N. M.

chocolate..hand him like 5 M&M's on the way out..a lolipop..you can get healthy ones at Wholefoods..they're vitamin ones..i try to distract my son from flipping out..i also discuss it w/ him but he's only 28 months old. I say..there is no reason to scream like that, lets be calm and lets go. i try to make it seem exciting that we're going or whatever we're doing. But i'll tell u..a treat sometimes helps in a pinch.

Just watched a great lecture by dr. harvey karp about the Happiest Toddler on the block. Get his book or buy his cd. Lots of helpful info about diffusing tantrums. They need to be heard and when you mirror their frustration by repeating what they are saying, " I know you don't want to leave, I know i know, you don't want to leave " It some how stops them in their tracks. THye delivery is key though and you can not be calm and collected or insanely angry when saying it. Get the book, he is far more eloquent.

S.,
My now 4.5 year old has autism and transitioning is very, very painful for him. The warnings do work and the do help for us. I give my son the 5 minute warning even if I don't have 5 minutes. Kids this age don't have much of a sense of time anyway. He doesn't know if the 5 minutes lasted 1 minute or 30.

One thing I've found that also helps is talking to him not only about the transition but what happens afterwards.

It goes something like this: "Cole, we are going to go to the store in 5 minutes. You need to get your shoes on. Then we are going to get in the car, drive to the store. At the store we are going to get "x" and then we are going to come home. When we get home, do you want to color with mommy?" and so on. I've found that if I can give him some sort of a timeline and something pleasant to look forward to, it is easier. Now, when I first started doing this, it wasn't easy but since he's gotten used to the routine and since I try to focus on the positive (no matter how small) it really does help. In general, kids with autism are very similar to regular kids they are just much more intense. So things that work for kids with autism usually work for typical kids too.

And at 4.5 he's a million times easier to deal with than he was a 3 and one of the big reasons is because we've learned to work with him and he's gotten used to the routines we use.

:-)T.

You could try making a game out of it. Challenge him to a bunny hop race to the car and just pick up his shoes and put them on when you arrive at your destination. I've recently started keeping a pair of shoes in the car because I get very frustrated when we are trying to leave and nobody can find their shoes. My youngest will also take off her shoes in the car so I have given up that battle and just wait until we get to the store.