Teacher Issue

If there's not another teacher available, I think pulling her would be best. Public school or perhaps homeschooling might be a better choice. Whatever you do, please talk to the administration, something has to be done about this teacher.

Hi –
Your post just gets my blood boiling. I really dislike hearing about how students are treated differently and how certain students are stereotyped. It’s not fair. Here are my suggestion:
1) Talk with the teacher only (don’t bring the principal into it unless it happens again)
Be VERY polite and nice with her. Refer to her as "Mrs." or "ma'am". She sounds like she would be a stickler for politeness.

2) Don’t argue with her or talk back. The teacher may not admit that she was wrong just because you said so. If she is disrespectful towards you then you may want to restate what she said to you back to her (e.g. “so I hear that you are telling me that I am …. “) sometimes people blurt out words before they think about it. This way the teacher would be able to think if she wanted to say that to you or if she wanted to rephrase her words.

3) Speak Gently, With Concise Wording. Using gentle, kind words can help your teacher realize any faults within herself. Thinking before you speak, and thereby eliminating any "um..." or "uh..." sounds. Everyone is different you may want to either write down your thoughts before hand to practice, rehearse in front of a mirror, etc but defiantly get all your emotions out before talking with her

4) Talk in person do not e-mail her (e-mails can be misunderstood)

5) Use some positive statements in you talk with the teacher and use “I” statements not “you” (e.g. instead of saying “you made my daughter cry. You treat the kids differently” you can say something like …
“I really enjoy this school and feel that my daughter is receiving a great education. I know she really enjoys how you XXX [*ask your daughter if she had to say something positive about her teacher what would it be then you can relay that message back to the teacher*]. But I was saddened that my daughter came home from school upset yesterday. She said that a classmate on the playground said “XYZ” to her [*teacher may not have heard what the other child said to your daughter*] and she was trying to standup to defend herself, but instead felt that her classmate was “excused” because she perceives that that student is a teachers pet. ….. ”
If she argues that that student is “perfect” maybe bringing up a real life example may help – e.g. “I understand that how a person presents themself is very important. Tiger woods is always well dressed, speaks with precision and seen as a family man, however unfortunately when the public wasn’t watching him, he was a different person.”

6) Rehearse with a friend and have them play devils advocate (e.g. if they hear you say something certain they can say – you just said XYZ if I were the teacher I would be upset by that”

Hope that helps! Good luck!!

I would call a meeting with the teacher and the director.

I would talk first to the teacher and give her a chance to respond. It might help to keep this meeting ONLY about the one specific incident, and not about differences in style, at least at this point. That will only spin the conversation out in too many directions to find specific solutions.

I would simply tell her how upset your daughter was at what she perceived to be unfair treatment. Ask the teacher if she gave your daughter a chance to tell her side of the story, and what she understood that side to be. Ask what the other child's version of the incident was, since you haven't been able to hear that yet.

Keep your feelings out of it as much as possible, and keep loaded or judgemental language out of the conversation. They will only complicate things. In a conversation like this, the teacher may realize on her own that she favored one child, and that it was distressing to the other child.

You may or may not feel satisfied with the outcome of this talk. If you're not, let her know, calmly and respectfully, that you want and need a more satisfying solution. Because conflict resolution requires learning and practice, ask if the two girls can be brought together to talk through the squabble, perhaps with a counselor or the principal as an intermediary.

Good luck. This sort of problem needs delicate and thoughtful navigation. Very good teachers can be harmed by parents flying off the handle. And very bad teachers can go on emotionally scarring their students. And students do best when they see the adults in their lives practicing good problem-solving skills.

You should request a meeting with the teacher AND principal/administrator together (avoid any he said/she said if the situation escalates). If you go straight to the principal, the teacher may feel as through you just went over her head and didn't give her a chance to rectify the situation--and that isn't going to help anything. As much as we want to believe our children, you need to get both sides of the story.

That all being said, kids need to learn about how to navigate an unfair world. She has a lot more years in school and you will do her a greater favor by teaching how to get along with all sorts of people. Not everyone in life is going to like you...and sometimes there isn't anything you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that teachers should obviously play favorites. Private schools often have many advantages over public...but people are still people and are prone to human foibles.

I'd first speak to the teacher since student's perceptions may be different from hers (or she may not be aware of the favoritism) Then I'd just do some drop by visits to the classroom and stand outside the door out of sight to see if things really are as your child sees them. IF nothing changes and she really is playing favorites. I'd talk to the principal. I will say, as someone who works in public schools... we're better than you think:)

S. I really feel for you -- my son and I went through a very similar situation that I now wish I had handled differently. My advice is to remove your daughter from this bad situation.

I too was paying quite a bit of money to send my son to a private school. While he received good grades, they didn't appreciate the different talents kids possess. His old-fashioned "strict schoolmarm-like" teacher was very hard on him -- and other students as well. She would yell at and belittle the students and put them on the spot for not knowing answers. One time she put my 1st grader in a kindergarten classroom because she felt he took too long in the bathroom. The reality was that he was so traumatized by her behavior that he had anxiety about going to school. I met with the teacher where I was given a totally different story. I didn't know what to believe. I even took my son to a psychologist!

My son has been in public school for several years now and is doing great -- he's actually in the gifted class. He is enjoying learning and the wide variety of activities the public school system has to offer. The public school teachers have been amazing. However, he still brings up his experience with that horrible teacher, who was in fact a bully. To this day, I feel so guilty for leaving him with that woman who was so nasty to him.

Good luck in finding a good solution for your family!

If you feel comfortable bring the situation up to the teacher BUT honestly I am thinking that talking to the principal about the situation so he can talk to the teacher without bring up parent/students names would be best. Let the principal know all the details so he can make the best decision, he may not do anything since this is the first time being brought up (never know maybe another parent or two have also mentioned it). HOPEFULLY with being a private school they will handle the issue and not just brush it away.

Well, one good thing is that this is a private school and you actually have recourse - which you don't really have in public school.
You first goal should be to speak to the teacher. Just like you wrote down to us what you have observed, you should tell her this. Do not make this about how you feel, but how your daughter feels she is treated. It is subjective, which is ok, but it should be in the teachers best interest to not make any student feel like they are disadvantaged in her class.
If you don't get a satisfactory response, speak to the director/principal. Maybe a class change is possible, though generally many school do not like this for several reasons: it upsets the social structure in two classes and it singles out both the teacher and the student. Ideally this teacher would work out the situation, however, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks... if nothing helps I would pull my child.

I used to go to a private school an did not take to the teaching style in that school at all. I would have been held back in 7th grade, but we moved halfway through the year and I had to change schools. My grades improved dramatically and I graduated high school in the top of my class. Teachers DO make a difference!
Everyone can teach the straight A kids, but it takes talent to motivate the other children to do their best as well...
Good luck!

Your first recourse is ALWAYS with the person. Never go over a person's hed, initially.

Would you not want the same fair chance?

Children's perceptions are not always true.

I would speak directly with the teacher as there may be a totally different side to the story.