Hello! I need some suggestions on teaching my 3 year old son to keep questions about others to himself.
For example, yesterday night we were at a store and just outside the store a man was arguing with his girlfriend (possibly). My son points at them and asks loudly, "What is that man doing?". We shushed our son and told him, let us mind our business and hurried in. Today, as we were leaving his preschool, a classmate of his and his mom were crossing the road.
My son blurts out, "Is that Jake's grandma?" The other kid heard it and corrected my son that it was his mom. They left before I could apologize. The woman didn't even look like a grandma!
Any tips on how I can make him understand that his questions or comments are inappropriate without curbing his curiosity in general?
Thanks!
This is normal, intelligent behavior for a 3 year old. You just need to keep reminding him to use his quiet voice to ask you questions and to not point at people.
Why do you want to squelch his natural curiosity? You want to teach him to stop asking questions. You want to teach him that making observations and asking questions that would help him understand are not only uncomfortable but wrong.
You're wrong.
Let him ask questions and answer them. Your son did nothing wrong. When my children ask questions, even the uncomfortable ones, I answer them. They learn as they grow which questions are better to keep private so that people that aren't in our family don't overhear and risk getting offended, and which questions are open season.
I say this because that's been our experience. People have always been great with answering my daughter's questions. People recognize that children are innocent and want answers. A child asking questions has different motives than an adult. A child answering questions has innocence and no motives at all. Information gathering and education.
I have a daughter that has Autism. That means that when we go out in public, her quirkiness is often apparent to others and while most children don't notice some of them do. Some of them will loudly ask their moms or dads why my daughter did something or why she's upset about something simple or what have you. As long as the situation warrants it, I'll offer a simple explanation. "My daughter's brain works a little differently. She has something called Autism. It sometimes makes her skin and ears and nose feel things more strongly than for other people, and something just happened that was too much for her ears to handle." The parents appreciate the response and the child is like, "Wow! Thank you!"
When my children are the ones asking the uncomfortable questions I'll ask the person, "Is it all right that she asked? I can talk to her later in private with an answer unless you'd like to respond. I hope the question didn't offend you." Every single time the other person will answer with kindness and a smile. Every time.
Remember -- how you respond is way more important than the question the child asks. You set the tone for children to have compassion and acceptance. Answer each time with the integrity you would if you were also shouting at the top of your voice. All too soon kids stop asking and start figuring things out by watching how the world works. It's your chance to affect his perception of people who are different.
Oh my! Blurting out embarrassing things is one of the functions three-year-olds do best!
The only thing I could do when mine were that age was to assure them that it was all right to ask questions about anything but, instead of shouting those questions, he or she should *whisper* them to me.
Of course it put me under obligation to answer any and all questions, but that wasn't so hard. I love it when children have questions (and know how to whisper).
He is curious, that is good, and normal for his age. If any adult takes issue or offense at a question asked by a 3 year old then they are the one with the problem, not your child. Asking questions is how kids learn about the world around them.
He's going to be blurting out all sorts of things for a few years.
It takes them awhile to develop an inner filter.
When I was waiting for my son to finish up something in pre-school (put away blocks or finish a painting) I'd get to talking to some of the other kids and they just tell you about everything going on with their parents, and Mommy said this and Daddy said that and I saw a naked butterfly on tv (she caught a little of a Victoria's Secret fashion show) and chatter chatter chatter etc and so forth.
Even into kindergarten and first grade they can still be at it.
Just get use to apologizing quickly before telling him we'll talk about it later.
Good luck with that!
My 3 yo is the same way. Lol. We usually simply tell her to use her inside voice, and not to point. Once we get a discreet distance away, I will answer her questions.
I figure that at this age, they simply don't have the filter to know what sort of questions are socially acceptable. Plus, like you, I don't want to curb her curiosity. So we focus on asking the questions quietly.
I figure that if someone is going to get offended by a 3 year old's question, then they have bigger issues than whatever the kid is pointing out. After all kids this age only call 'em as they see 'em.
Yes, it's really embarrassing when a 3 year old asks "Mommy, why is that man so fat?" You want to melt into the floor.
The best thing you can do is give quiet reminders like "Honey, you need to ask mommy questions about other people when they can't hear you. It hurts their feelings when you say it in front of them." That way you aren't stiffling their curiosity and you aren't ignoring their question.
Let's hope "What is that man doing?" caused the guy to be embarrassed that he was being a jerk in front of other people and helped him shut up.
Suggest that if he wants to say something about other people, he should say it quietly to you. He is just curious! :-)
This is how kids learn. He's actually acting totally normal. Questioning his environment is a good thing.
I did this when I was still in elementary school.
My parents grew up in the early part of the 1900's when black people were called the "N" word and made to obey stupid laws that were not right.
My parents routinely used the "N" word in every day language. I remember being at Atlantic Mills or Spartan Altantic, can't remember which one was by the fairgrounds, and a black person was shopping near us.
My mom said something under her breath about those "N"'s shopping at "white" store. I was so curious. I kept looking around and trying to find someone that was different. I noticed the people standing at the next round rack. I, loudly of course, asked my dad if those were "N"s. He slapped the snot out of me and yelled at me to never use that word, that is wan't nice.
Of course I said "But mom said they were shopping at a white store and should stay in their places". He hit me again.
I was doing what kids do. They look around and notice their environment, I was learning by observing. Your little one is curious and those people should have moved their argument to their car and not been on the street.
When my DD was that age, I always reminded her that if she had something to say or ask about ANYONE, she was to whisper it to me. I, like everyone else, have spent my share of time waiting in lines and I'm pretty sure I've never been embarrassed by anything she's said. Just remind your little one every time you're out in public. He will get the hint eventually.
This definitely a parenting right of passage!
Here are a few of mine, to make you feel better:
"Is that a man or a lady?"
"That man is big. When someone is fat, we say big, not fat, right Mommy?"
"See, little brother, that man is black just like Falcon is black."
"Mommy, are you pooping?" (That was today in the Target bathroom. No, I was not, in case anyone is as curious as my three year old.)
It is embarrassing, but that is the nature of the three year old beast!
I really like JessicaWessica's response, I am banking that one.
I agree wholeheartedly with Jessicawessica. I couldn't have said it better myself.
