Advice for My 3 Yr. Old

This is pretty typical for his age. Just keep reminding him that it is rude to point such things out, and then ask him how he would feel if someone said that to him.

M. *~

I would talk with him privately when you're not in public and tell him that it's not ok to talk about people/point out things about their bodies or how they look....there are all different types of people, but inside, we are the same, etc.

Hi C.,
I have a physical disability, a very fat father, and a 5 year-old son. I don't claim to speak for all people with disabilities, and mine comes from a condition that flares and then goes into remission, so I only have to walk with my cane on occasion. If your child asked you about why I walked funny (almost looks like I'm drunk when I'm in a full flare) or with a cane, I would not be even slightly offended. Maybe it's because I'm a mom, but people with physical differences deal with all sorts of reactions, and innocent curiosity is not, imo, hurtful. I would follow much of the advice you've been given, including asking the person why he/she walks with a cane, etc. Shushing or whispering would actually make me feel kind of bad. I don't want to get a curious kid in trouble, and I don't feel I have anything to feel ashamed about, so why all the shushing? I completely understand that shushing and whispering are in no way meant to imply that I should feel ashamed or weird, but that's my gut reaction. I would much prefer a parent say in a quiet, matter-of-fact, but not whispering voice, that we all have our differences on the outside but are the same on the inside. For a slightly older child, I would add something about everyone having his/her challenges in life -- it's just that some challenges are easy to see and others aren't. I would also be more than happy to explain to a child why I walk with a cane. I think hearing these things helps kids learn to appreciate differences and develop empathy. Shushing and whispering makes me feel like more of an outsider, even though I know the intentions are good. It's probably a good idea to follow up with pointing is not generally considered polite, maybe when you get home, etc. The "Look, she is fat!" thing might be different because of how weight conscious we are as a society. My father is morbidly obese, and I dealt with the why is Grampy so fat thing (thankfully not in front of my dad) with, "Because he eats when he's not hungry and he does not get enough exercise. By the way, it might hurt his feelings if he heard you call him fat, which I know you don't want to do." If he had asked me the same thing in front of my dad, I would have let my dad answer. With a stranger, I would prolly just talk about everyone looking different on the outside, etc., and then explain more at home or when the person is further away. I am not large enough that children would make comments, though, so I'm not saying this last part from personal experience. Anyway, with disabilities, the more matter-of-fact you can be, the more likely I think it is that your kids will grow up being comfortable around people with disabilities and not feeling awkward in front of us. Remember, we know we look different, we know kids are curious, and an innocent child's curiosity, imo, is not offensive or hurtful. Take care.
K.

Yes, most kids go through this and it is very normal, especially when you consider that they are exploring their world at superman speed. If you step inside their skull you would see the person as they do..."OH! someone DIFFERENT! NEAT! Mommy LOOK"! It is the adult perspective that says, "eww fat, poor cripple, don't look".
I have a very vocal 5 year old. The last time something like this happened it was someone that had to use oxygen. My daughter looked and pointed, "mommy what is that THING in that person's nose"? Of course she said it loud enough to draw the attention of everyone sitting at the table. I smiled, leaned over and said,"that thing in her nose helps her breath better so she can come out and have a wonderful dinner with her family". The person smiled and my daughter was oblivious because she was already looking at something else. When we act negative (shhh, don't look, be quiet, look away!) then we are teaching our kids that different is "bad". Isn't it better to smile and say, "yes we are all different and what an amazing thing that is"!

This story made me think back to one of my own that makes me chuckle everytime I think of it.

My 4 year old son and I were waiting for a shuttle after dropping off a rental car along with another man from a local car dealership. I should mention that this man used to be a local DJ "Hook" on 98 Rock and was someone that I knew when I was younger because I had also worked in the local music scene. The reason he was called Hook is because he is missing one of his arms and wears a prothesis with a metal "hand". I saw my son staring intently at this man (who I wasn't sure recognized me) and I could tell he was on the verge of one of those prolific observations. You can actually see the wheels grinding sometimes... I remember thinking, well, would this man have let people call him Hook if he was really uncomfortable with his disability? On the other hand, I will admit, part of me was cringing with how he may take my kid bluring out "Mom, that man's missing his hand!" and then realizing the lady with a rude kid was someone he used to know.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the shuttle pulled up and I started loading the car seat. As I was lifting my son into the car he took one more look at Hook and announced loudly, "Mom, that man IS BALD."

I couldn't help it I burst out laughing because only a kid would pass up the metal hand for the bald comment. I then re-introduced myself to Hook who polietly ignored the bald comment. For all I know maybe he was glad it wasn't about his hand for once too!

Just thought I'd chime in because I also think it's a phase of innocent curiousity. Most of them go through it. Mine also liked to tell me that I was fat but he would also tell me I was pretty or if he liked my clothes. He was much more focal about his observations than his older brother ever was. His thoughts kind of flew out unfiltered so we'd practice when it was okay to make observations out loud. If someone got offended by my child's comment I would explain to my child why in front of that person so they could see me teaching my child about how people are different and we need to try to respect their feelings. I find being honest and open in a respectful way disarms most reactions to your child's comments.

My daughter went through a stage like that topo. I pointed out how everyone was different and then I pointed out differences of the people in our family. We have people of all differnt skin colors and some are short and "fat" others are tall and/or skinny, ect.. I reminded my daughter that even though these people looked different than her she still loved them and even though they looked different that inside they were the same and had feelings and felt sad when people said mean things to them. She actually seemed to understand. I also explained that if she saw someone who looked different or she had a question about "the hole on his face" that it is best to wait til the person had walked away or to whisper to me and then I could explain it to her! GOOD LUCK! Remember at that age everything is still new to them!!

C.,

I agree with Kerry. The first time my son did something like that to me I was so embarrased, but I just explained to him everyone is different. I also explained that it's not polite to point or stare. Then I would make it personal so that he would understand. I asked him if he would like it if someone would point at him and say things about him. He understood that, that would hurt his feelings and he has never done it again. He is 10 now and is very respectful. I also have a 6 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy and we had the same discussions with them and it seems to have worked.

Good luck

I have a child with a physical difference so often we are the "recipient" of such comments. It helps us when the parent tells the child that everyone is different, maybe points out how they are different (freckles, red hair, curly hair, etc), tells them it's rude to stare and/or point. If the child asks you what is wrong with someone often it's best to ask the person they are talking about why they are in a wheelchair, use a walker, etc.

The people about whom your son is talking will not be offended by his commentss as much as potentially they way you respond. I think it is important to repond in a way that makes it clear to your son as well as the people around you that whatever he has noticed is a difference not a defect!

Try responding with something like, "Yes, she is bigger than us (or Yes, he does have a hole in his face or Yes, they do have brown skin or whatever...). People come in all shapes and sizes, and no one is exactly alike! We are all special, but there's really no need to point out everything special about every person we see."

Being different is nothing to be ashamed of, so a 3 year old pointing those differences out should not be a source of embarassement. Children this age are learning to analyze their worlds, and I think we need to be careful not to make our children feel badly about pointing out what they notice.

HTH,
T.

You have gotten some great advice and I don't have anything different to add but thought I'd share a story of my own. When my daughter was 3, we were in a grocery store and were browsing produce next to a very large woman. My daughter pointed and said REALLY LOUDLY "mommy, that lady is fat!". I was mortified and I looked at the woman and said "I am really sorry". The woman smiled at me and said "It's ok and there is no need to be sorry. She is right, I am fat." I smiled back and we went on our way. I later explained to my daughter that it wasn't polite to make comments like that but I will never forget the woman's grace.

Hi C.,
You have my sympathies... it is embarassing to you, but I am here to tell you that it is completely normal. Your child is pointing out what he sees, without any judgement, and doesn't understand why someone would feel hurt because of it. He is open minded, we are judgemental.
It is temporary of course, which is no concelation to you.
You want him to stop, without hurting his feelings, right? Well, it is going to take a little bit of time. In conversation, try to explain to him that the fat person is not feeling good about being fat. Pointing out that he is fat makes him feel bad and sad.
The person with the imperfection on his face, would prefer not to have it, and pointing it out makes him feel bad and sad.
Repleat that a couple of times, and your little one will develop compassion and "tact".
All the best!
E. Andrews
Develop Your Child's Genius
http://www.all-gifted-children.com

Well, my first child is 11, and she grew up thinking that the word fat was "the F word". And you do not say it, and we as parents did not say it either. We just used other words to describe things or spelled it. It really worked until she was older and found out that there was another "F word" that was really unacceptable.

Also, there are some great children's books aavailable at the library regarding manners and differences. It is a learning opportunity regarding how he will hear lots of words from his peers that I am sure you will find unacceptable in your family, and this is just the beginning of teaching him words we do not use, and how they are hurtful and disrespectful.

Blessings.

This is totally normal. In fact I still have to remind my five year old sometimes. One recent one was, "Mom she has really big nursies." That went over well. Anyway, I try to stay calm and just tell them that we don't coment on other poeple's bodies. When we get back to the car I ask them questions like... Do you think that person knows they are fat? Do you think they need someone else to say it? How do you think it makes them feel? My boys are older now, but that is how I started to explain it to them. Remember that he is just making an observation, he doens't say it to be mean. It's just something to learn in our culture about what we do or don't say in public.

Given that your son is three he (as I am sure you are aware) is not saying these things out of malice, only out of his wonderfully growing sense of the world. When my daughter was at this stage I told her that it was ok to tell me these things, but to whisper it in my ear or to tell me when we were in our car. This seemed to work well for us.
E.

My daughter said (really loudly and pointing her finger) at a man next to us), "Why is that man so fat!" First, I told her that it's not nice to point at people. Then, I calmly said, "God loves all of us. God made each of us special. We are all different sizes, different shapes, etc..."

I agree with what everyone is saying and I also recommend bringing into the conversation whomever may have heard the comment. For example, one time when my son was about that age we were in hawaii and a man with no feet, or maybe it was partial feet walked by us on the beach. My son said, 'mama, what happened to his feet?' loud enough for the man to hear. I tried to stay calm and just said, 'I don't know what happened to his feet but we can ask him and maybe he'll want to tell us' and then we asked the man, who was very polite and told us what happened. Then after he left I gave a little more of an explanation because I was afraid my son would be afraid it would happen to him and we left it at that. I think the man was happy that we were so open rather than hushing it and I think it helped my son too. As they get older they can understand more about what is an appropriate question and what isn't but they are really just curious and learning at that age.

I always told my daughter she could tell me those things privately once we were in the car, but that it hurts people's feelings when you say them out loud. My daughter has always been worried about making other people sad, so that worked with her most of the time. That's always a hard one, good luck! C.

Hi C.,
I would chalk it up to healthy curiousty and respond as appropriate when he says something. For example, if he says wow look at that fat lady mommy. I would just say, yep - and not make too big of a deal over it. Take it from the perspective that he is just developing normally - that woman knows she's fat and as long as your son isn't being mean, he really isn't doing anything wrong. hee hee kids! Funny stuff but healthy and I think there is probably something here for us to learn...very best!

A 3 year old doesn't really know what is rude or not if you don't correct them. Kids don't like to be corrected, but oh well! It's all in the way you do it, though. You can explain to them how it's hurtful to others to hear that kind of thing, and ask them to consider how they would feel if someone said those things to/about them. And check yourself too - sometimes I find that my kids have picked up stuff from me that I didn't even know I was doing.

Hi C.

my son who is now six does the same thing.. but rather than attaching a conotation to his comments, example when he too has said someone is fat or in his mind unattractive, I say, Lorenzo everyone is different and that's a great thing , I then add, you are special too and try and get him to focus on all wonderful aspects of people. I don't call him out say he is being rude(because this would only perpetuate the name calling)
also, I don't want to attach a conotation to certain words.. such as fat. because not everyone considers it a negative.. calling someone fat would only be considered rude IF fat was not considered a positive thing by some people.. the words we use are important but more importantly are that which we equate to certain words.
Children call things as they see them. when they see fat, they know it, so they say it.. BUT.. the difference is.. they aren't doing as adults do which is to attach labels.. they are just viewing the world with fresh eyes. at this early age, they have yet to really know what being rude is.. another thing I do when Lorenzo points out specific things like when he has called someone fat, I will say.. ok what else do you see, did you notice that persons smile or how they seem to be enjoying life. I encourage him to see the Big picture (no pun intended) rather than to break a person down into parts, I encourage him to notice other aspects, all the while I try and do this without placing a judgement on him or the other person. try and remain as present and positive as possible.
I hope this help. best of luck to you :)

Specific to the word "fat": I have taught my eight and four year olds that the word "fat" doesn't play fair. It's one of those words that we hear all over the place, that people say about themselves, but that it isn't ok to say about somebody else. I thought this was a good idea, but my observant four year old somehow picked up on the word "blubbery"... Where she heard it I have no idea, but it seems really important to her to have a descriptive word in her lexicon... so anyway, I think it is best to just follow the advice of the other posters and talk about how we're all different!

There is a group of developmentally disabled adults who play at the same park where I take my kids. We see them all the time, and that actually sends the message home more clearly. I'll tell them that some people have differences you can see on the outside and some people have differences on the inside, but that not one of us is the same.

Hi C.

I don't what to say other than I can relate. I brought my son to the doctor and the female nurse was very overweight. My 3 year old stated the obvious, but made it worse by stating "HE is very fat" I was mortified as well and have tried to teach him that stating these things hurts peoples feelings. I too am not sure how to put the gag on my Master of the Obvious.....who is proud of himself for making these great observations...

My oldest daughter has an issuse with one of her eyes which means having to wear an eye patch, starting at age 10 months (she's now 5 1/2, and will continue to wear her patch for at least another 5 years). While it is not a huge deal, it does draw attention from adults and kids alike. I have never wanted my daughter to feel strange or less than because she is differwnt in this way, so I have always reponded openly and matter of factly when someone makes a comment or asks a question. As her mother, I actually prefer it when kids ask about her eye instead of trying to ignore it. The whole look away/ignore it thing often causes the curious kids to turn or walk away because they don't know how to not see what they see. It breaks my heart when this happens. I've found that when a question is answered openly then the difference gets much smaller and makes it possible for my daughter to be just like all the other kids on the playground. I realize that not everyone with such differences may feel as open about them as I do, but even if they don't recieve your child's non judgemental curiousity positively, at least you will be teaching you child that disabilities and differences are not something to be ashamed of, or spoken of in hushed tones. When my daughter makes these kind of comments now (and she does), eventhough I too cringe because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, I try to always answer her curiousity then and there. Politely of course. And if it seems appropriate, I'll have her approach the person. I just believe that telling her to be quiet, or hushing her, would only be worse- for the person as well as for her. Everyone is different. Period. And that is not a bad thing. I really liked what a few of the resposes said about everyone having their own challenges, some are just more obvious than others. That is so true. It's what we all have in common, actually.

Dear C.,
You son is not being rude, he's being a normal 3 year old. He is observing and reporting on the things he notices in his world and he does not realize that certain conditions are considered taboo to talk about. The best thing, in my opinion, is to respond matter of factly when he points something out and avoid making a big deal. That way, your son will know that you heard him and he'll continue observing the world. The sad thing is, that we attempt to teach our children that they are supposed to ignore things as opposed to being observant. Children don't know about "shameful" conditions they accept everything a face value. We teach them to be ashamed and to politely ignore what's clearly there.
Good luck with your children, S.

Hi C.!

Yea, those are some of the WORST moments as a mother! But, kids really don't understand that they could be hurting someone's feelings until we explain it to them.

When my boys went through this, I would KNOW when they were about to say something. If I saw a Handicapped person, or something, I watched their faces.....and the MINUTE their little mouths opened I would whisper something as an "explanation". And 'remind' them that it's NOT NICE to keep looking, and to try not to.

My boys used to "react" very negatively when I would say "shhhhhh, he might hear you and you might hurt his feelings" but probably more from the SHOCKED tone in my voice. I realized then that they don't think "in advance yet", so I had to pay really close attention to "prevent" the loud outbursts :o)

My youngest is now 5, and he is very respectful when we see someone in public with a Handicapp, or something. He'll even ask me "Mom, can we talk about that man when we get home?" And I would much rather have him say that then something more embarrassing :o) Then when get home, we talk about how God makes everyone different, but each with a special "power"....and we try to guess what their special power might be :o)

The best way for my boys, however, was to NEVER make them feel like what they said was "wrong". I had to be careful with my tone, and when I did this they responded better.

They learn.....it just takes a little time :o)