Child's Rude Remarks

I have three daughters (10,9 and almost 3). The oldest two did it and I'm waiting for the next one to start. I'm having a problem with my oldest two... sort of the same but a little different. An example is if they see some 'tween' in a tiny skirt and her stomach exposed... they'll say something like.."see Mom it's not trashy to wear stuff like that, her mom is letting her!!" I've had more than one pre-teen/teen and her misguided mother glare at me over this.. problem is that I don't care if they hear it or not, it happens to be true and those mother's should know what people think about their daughters when they allow them to dress like that. But with the other issue (someone who is different). I can usually 'head that off at the pass' and catch their eye before they see that person and I'll say.."do not stare!" before they ever have a chance to. Good luck... but remember this too shall pass!

As a toddler, my sister got the meaning of the words "cheap" and "expensive" mixed up. My mother was having a bowling party and we were told to stay down at the neighbors but my sister couldn't resist. She walked into the all grown-up party and someone said "My, what a pretty doll you have". My sister was BEAMING with pride and replied "Thank you, my Momma told me it was the CHEAPEST one she could find".

...out of the mouth of babes...follow Wolfgangs advice.

Dear V.:
There's a German saying: "Kindermund tut Wahres kund." which means children's mouths speak the truth. Not what everybody wants to hear, but at least honest. Perhaps you can make her relate on her own level. If she ever peed her pants or did something that might have embarrassed her, you could tell her: "Look, if I said to you in front of all people that you peed your pants, it would be true, but it would make you feel bad." If she thinks first whether what she is about to say is neutral ("snow is white"), happy ("snow is beautiful") or negative ("this snow is yellow"), she may learn to not announce the negative ones. You may also want to add things like pointing at people with a stretched out finger.

Perhaps she even understands the difference between fat (lady blocking the grocery store aisle) and fat (sumo wrestler), if she thinks in terms of whether it is something that person would be proud of.

Regards,
W.

Get this book... Words are not for hurting, by Elizabeth Verdick and Marieka Heinlen.

This book helps you teach your daughter about thinking before she speaks, and helps explain in an easy to understand way that some words can be hurtful. It's a great way to start the discussion with your daughter.

Also, lead by example. I don't know you personally, and in no way am I acusing you of making fun of people, but if your daughter notices you pointing out the beauty in people maybe she will eventually do the same,

A few other books you may want to get:

Accept and value each person, by Cheri J. Meiners.

When I care about others, by Cornelia Maude Spelman (teaches empathy for others feelings)

You can find all of these at Amazon.

Best wishes!

V.. I have read thru the other repsonses, I don't have much to add that hasn't been said. My youngest has done the same, he is now 5, but when he was 3 he did the same thing. Everyone time he announced something about another person I simply added we are all different. Anyone who chastises you or your young child needs to get a grip. We are all different. Now if your child was 13 and doing it it would be a whole different story.

I'd have to agree with Carol. When she says something embarrassing, tell her it was wrong and have her apologize to the person talked about. Saying "I'm sorry" is never fun, and it might help her think twice before saying something she might have to apologize for afterwards.

All children go through this. They're just learning that there are are diffrences in people and kids are well known for their bluntness. My five year old has just recently gotten the hint that he needs to be careful about what he says because it could hurt someone's feelings. What finally worked with him is that he has a 'boo boo' on his face. I finally told him that ' you don't like it when people talk about your booboo or stare at you, right? So you shouldn't say things or stare at other people because they don't like it either. He finally got the hint. The thing to remember is that most people understand and aren't going to get upset. Those that do take offense usually don't have children. Just keep repeating yourself about how it makes people feel bad when she says things that are 'mean'. I hope I've helped some and hang in there.

Both my sons (now ages 4 and 7) started doing the exact same thing at this exact age. While passing an obese woman in an isle at a grocery store, my youngest yelled, "OH MY GOD! That lady's FAT!" My eldest, when he saw an African American woman asked (loudly), "Why is she so black?" Unfortunately, I think all kids go through this at one point or another. They're just being observant and, like you stated, are noticing others' physical traits. The best thing to do is just keep talking to her about how those remarks hurt people's feelings and it's hard, but to try and think things through before she says something out loud. Both my boys did this till they got to the age of 4 (the little one still does it from time to time) but with your help she'll learn what's appropriate to say out loud and what's not.

#1 Please do not follow Verna's sugession to point something out about your daughter!!!! You will deeply regret it!
I agree 100% with the mom who said "Please please please DO NOT point out things people could say about your daughter, dont lay the ground work for self-esteem issues."
#2 'Wolfgang' was right on!
Each of our four children have done the same and other similar things at or around ages 2 1/2 to 4. I am have a degree in Child Development, so I knew this was normal.
HOWEVER.... IN SPITE OF THIS, it was none less shocking or embarrasing for myself, my husband, and especially the individual(s) who were the target of our childrens remarks!!!!
Usually the comments have revolved around "fat" people or sometimes the handicapped. I, myself, have been the recipient of such innocent commentary: "Mama, do you have another baby in your tummy?" (It would've been cute if I were in my 2nd trimester, or a few months after childbirth, but we're talking 1 1/2 years later - yes, it is a challenge losing weight after multiple pregnacies!)
But the hardest one I've had to deal with is my youngest (currently 3 1/2). He has a very loud, clear, piercing voice (what most people consider your "outside voice")that he speaks in 90% of the time. I swear he learned it from Dora the Explorer - SAY BACKBACK! LOUDER!! BACKPACK!!!! I think that's when he started talking loud all the time. I hate that show. Anyway, he is also has very 'animated' facial features and has the widest, wildest look of excitement in his eyes whenever he sees something new or exciting.

One afternoon, while browsing in the toy store for a gift, I noticed a woman in the next aisle who appeared to be around my age, and whom some would describe as a 'midget' or 'little person'. My son was enthralled with some dinosaurs on the aisle next to hers. Like slow-motion in a movie the scene unfolded like a nightmare. The woman came into my view behind my son, his back to her.
My son called out to his brother, "Come here and look at this dinosaur", as he turned his head to look for his brother, he spotted the woman. I took a step towards him and opened my mouth to say his name and distract him, but it was too late. He had seen her, and spun completely around, both arms stretched out, pointing in her direction, eyes widening, mouth opening and the voice - his loud, excited, piercing voice "Hey!Hey! HEY! COME HERE!! LOOK! HURRY!! COME HERE!! LOOK!! LOOK!! Look at the lady! Come see the funny lady! Ha-ha-ha-ha! LOOK! See the little lady!Ha-Ha-HA"

I was MORTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I grabbed his hand and at the same time I looked in the woman's eyes and said, "I'm so sorry!" as the woman started to turn into the next aisle. I pulled my son a couple of aisles over, bent down to look right in his face and said, "Shhhhhhh! Be Quiet! You CANNOT do that! You CANNOT yell at or point at anyone like that! You hurt the lady's feelings and made her sad. I know she is short, but you can only tell ME in a quiet voice. We can talk about why she is short later at home, Okay?" He seemed shocked that he had done anything wrong.
It was definitely an experience neither of us will forget.

I think wolfgang hit the nail on the head. Kids this age aren't in the posession of "social graces" yet. They know only what they see, they have no concept of "little white lie" everything is black and white to them. Good or bad, no grey area inbetween.
Try speaking with her about it, explain why it is inappropriate to talk about people infront of them. And also a big one is leading by example. We really have no idea how much our actions effect our children. Everytime you or your husband point out a fault in some one or even your self, she registers it. Adults know to keep their voices low so others won't hear them. kids don't know to do this.

Good luck!

My children went through this as well and turning it around on them seemed to work eventually. How would she feel if someone said something to her? We have a saying here in our home: "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words go straight to the heart."

Dont give up, keep trying to help her wisper and the whole if you cant say something nice, dont say it at all, or save it till we are in the car. I am so sorry people are giving you such a hard time about your daughter's honesty. Children that young dont know how to lie to spare feelings. Sometimes people just need to understand that kids are in a constant learning state and parents are doing the best they can.
Please please please DO NOT point out things people could say about your daughter, dont lay the ground work for self-esteem issues. She will have enough teen mags and peers telling her she's fat, ugly, ect. Mom ALWAYS has to be in your corner or who do you have. Hurtful things from grown-ups stick for life, even if it's just to demonstrate a point. Adults have the ability to blow-off a child's remarks. Children keep those negative words as a scar to be reopened over and over again.

Hi V.,

I don't have any words of wisdom here because I am grappling with the same issue. My son is 3 1/2 and is constantly doing the same thing. Recently he announced to all within earshot that the lady waiting to get off the airplane in front of us looked angry. Well, she did look angry. And truth be told, I thought it was really neat that he was picking up on the nonverbal clues. Of course, the angry-looking lady didn't think it was so neat and my husband nearly crawled under the seat from embarrassment! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I will be eagerly reading the responses to your request.

A.

I have two suggestions that are over the top, but might just work. I don't know how willing you would be to do them but I will say them anyway. First of all, maybe point out the things on her that could be pointed out on her, ask her how she would like it if somebody did that to her. Also, one thing you might do is, yourself whisper in her ear (beat her to the punch) and just make it a point to whisper in her ear. Everytime she goes to say something out loud, make it a point to tell her you will not listen unless it is in your ear. Make a game out of it almost (as sad as it sounds). Then once she is used to whispering it in your ear you slowly start weaning her of doing that all together by maybe telling her to think it to herself or something. Or just flat out tell her that big girls think it they don't whisper.
Like I said, I don't know what you would think about those but it was what I could think of.

V., well, as you can see there are MANY of us mom's dealing with this same issue. I truly think this is a part of growing up, where they are becoming more aware of what is around them and learning about people. We have a 4yo. daughter and she has also said several times that someone is "big big BIGGER!" ((it was our next door neighbor :( )) but luckly she said it in the car. She asked my husband and I why she was that big. At that time we did have to explain to her that everyone is different....some people big, some small, some in the middle. We also did tell her that she can't say that outloud in public that she can hurt their feelings. The are also learning about feelings in school so this helps. She is also learning about people's colors being different. When we were in the store one day, she picked something up in the fitting room and said she was going to give it to "that black lady". I wanted to dig a hole and hide in it. I know some people can be really sensitive about kids saying things and it is true...they speak the truth and don't know it's wrong or that it will hurt someone. I really think this in not a bad "developmental issue" but rather a part of life. Just keep talking to her and explain feelings. And if people do not understand that this is a child and they will say ANYTHING they are thinking, well...that is too bad. I would just appologize and walk away...then talk to her. I wish you luck in this. I am glad I am not the only one!

I have a 4 year old daughter and she does the same thing, she has for a few months now.She even says things about me like i have big boobs and belly. You know sometimes i just say to people she doesn't know what she says and like Bill Cosby says "Kids say the darnest things". If people don't understand then i just say sorry and walk away because people that don't see that shes just a kid, must not have any or don't let there kids express themselfes. Its funny how girls seem to say more than boys because I have 2 boys also and I never had this problem. I'm sure it will get better.

Hi V.,
try maybe telling your daughter that 'we don't talk about people - it's not nice' .... or maybe before going into a store offer a sticker/treat if 'we have successful trip and keep our comments to ourselves' .... I often have to make things into a 'challenge' or 'game' for my son .... and this approach has worked for me for verious other sitations.

By the way, are you active army or National Guard? My husband is in the Guard - just deployed to Iraq in August :(

V.,

I had one embarassing moment with my daughter :) Then i figured I'd better nip it in the bud! I told her if she had anything to say about ANYBODY she had to wait until we left the area. We could talk about it after we were in the car or at home. I would say it before we went into ANY public place. time after time after time. You can embellish about hurt feelings, etc. Kids are smart....

My daughter sarted doing the samething at the same age. I know it can be hard...she is 5 now and she still says those things but now she understands that what she says can hurt people...it is hard to explain to them so young..I usually try to speak before they do and if they say something the other person does not like just say she is a child and does not know better...or I will raise they way I feel.

Hello V.,
we went through this with my daughter when she was about that age, I sat down with her and tried to explain that everyone is different and used family examples....my little brother has a stutter and talks different, im a little overweight, etc....and asked her how it would feel if someone told me or someone else she loves things like she was saying. She got upset and it stopped, every once in a while shell still point something out, shes 5 now, but thats rare adn usually shell whisper it to me cause shes very aware that people are all different.

My daughter does the same thing, and its not an easy thing to stop, since the child doesnt really mean any harm they dont think they are doing anything wrong. So, I told her the polite things to say. Instead of saying that someone is fat, they are big. And, the other day, she saw a little girl who had a birth defect. In this case, at home, we sat down and I told her why some people look different like that and how they are still people and they can still get their feelings hurt just like she can. So, if she has something that she needs to tell me about, wait until it is just her and I. If there are other people around, its not appropriate to talk about. Of coarse, she IS only 4, so its not foolproof, but it has helped alot. I hope it works out for you.

That's a normal reaction. She's discovering something new to her and she wants to share with you. My thought on that would be to take her to do volunteer work with the elderly or some other place where she'll find different people and can be of some help to them. She'll get her fill of differences and won't feel the need to point out everything after a while. There's a whole lot of other vaulable life leasons she'll get out of it too.

After reading the other replies, I have to ask, is she saying stuff to be mean or is she just pointing things out? At that age she might as well be saying "that lady's dress is blue". You would probably congratulate on that comment. I think it would help if you explain to her that even though what she is saying true, some people can be senitive about the way they look. That way you're acknowledging what she's saying and guiding her instead of punishing.

And for the people who have a negative response, let them know that they can help you teach her by them telling her that her comments made them uncomfortable and that they are normal people like herself.

I would be mortified if my child did this! Let me see...
Does she hear you or anyone else say things like that about others? Where did she learn to notice other people's physical traits? I guess you could have a little talk about how she'd feel if someone said something about her. I did that with my son. The 'do unto others as you should have them do unto you' talk helps with my kids. Especially now that two of them are in school, they REALLY understand the 'golden rule'.
Good luck !
I'm going to read the replies, too. I'd like to read other peoples input.

V., I think it is very good that you told her that it hurts their feelings. If it continues you may want to stand her in front of a mirror and say something that you know she wouldn't like about her so she can see for herself how it feels and then explain to her that you really didn't mean it and that you love her very much but you wanted her to see how things she says can hurt other people. There
should be a children's book on the subject that you could read to her a few times until she understands. But, she will stop doing it because I am sure she doesn't want you to be unhappy with her. Sometimes telling them they cannot go with Mommy wherever if they are going to do this or that works , also. Sounds like you have a very smart daughter who is very observant...which is a good trait. God bless you!

V.,
I once went through this same thing about 10 years ago when my first born was at the store with me and there was a rather large man coming out when we were going in. My son blurted out "that man is really fat" of course the man took offense and told me I should teach my kid some manners and demanded an appology well I didn't give him one but I did get down on my knees right there (to be eye level with my son)and calmly told my son that what he said hurt the mans feelings and although it's true we are all different and it's not nice to say it out loud - he never said it again.As I read through the other comments and suggestions that have been posted I have to say that even with trying to get the child to whisper it is still in a way condoning that behavior.

V.,
You're doing right by explaining to her that she should whisper to you if she wants to know about someones features etc. I talked to my son a bunch especially since we did alot of driving where we used to live and we'd talk about how we were all made differently, and that we look different, and how we had feelings. I took the opportunity to explain about things when he would point them out in the car like when he saw a man with no legs in a wheel chair, I explained that maybe he had been born without legs *and gave a reference to being made special on purpose* or maybe he had been hurt, and that staring hurts their feelings and makes them sad.
That sort of thing.
Good luck. Talking to your child will do wonders for both of you.