3.5 YO Giving Inapporopriate/Offensive Responses to Seeing "Different" People

I agree that somewhere it was picked up from someone EVEN if it was only said ONCE in passing by someone or some show you do not even know about. In some ways it is kind of like the little kid that calls he fat lady fat and the old lady old and smelly (let's be honest here). But I think you are addressing it as well as you can, an apology is expected but not heard if you get my drift; they expect he was taught that by you, oh well deal with it! Continue to have conversations about people and what makes them who and what they are.
side note: by son loves "brown babies" basically if they have any skin tone other then bleach white (like us, we do not tan we redden) then he is like "OOHH brown baby brown baby come play with me" i think he says this because names are hard for him to get. I think it's cute and most parents giggle too.

Instead of hitting him redirect what he says. Just like if he says red when the color is really blue. Then if I were you I would find out who is around my child saying those things. Kids don't wake up and say things like that they learn that from someone around them. Remember children have very impressionable minds and have to be molded and taught the right things to do.

I am going to speak towards your child's reactions to racial differences:

Physical differences exist in all of us. Some are short, some tall, some heavy, some slight. Some of us are darker skinned while some are fair. Our young children are not trying to be naughty when they point out our differences.

I am not justifying a child or an adult's behavior when they compare any person to an ape/monkey or describe or communicate those differences in hurtful ways. But a 3.5 y/o does not understand the context or implications of their words. They are not trying to be hurtful. *They* are simply saying it as *they* see it.

However, you and your family have the responsibility and ability to guide and direct his 'observations' in healthy and true directions. In fact, a black person does not resemble a gorilla any more than a white person resembles a goat. So, you get to clearly communicate to your child that no, the person they see does not look or talk like any of our primate cousins. They are a human. A man, a woman, a little girl, a little boy. (insert differences here.) And they/we have feelings, just like you and it hurts them/us to call or compare them/us an animal.

Show your son pictures of gorillas. Show him pictures of apes, horses, frogs, fish and cats. Explain to him the where animals live, how they eat, how they communicate amongst themselves, and how they are different to human beings. Show him and read him books about Asian, Middle Eastern, Sudanese, Egyptian, Mexican, Venezuelan, Native Alaskan, etc., people. Explain, ad nauseum, the differences between humans and other animals and then explain the physical and social differences between human races, nationalities, cultures, religions, creeds, ages, abilities, etc.

There is nothing wrong with you or your son. Neither of you is tainted or terrible. Education, immersion, tolerance and patience will solve this problem.

Our nation wants to pretend that we are color blind and that racism is no longer an issue. It is. Your son (and the rest of us) exist within the societal context of racism and general ignorance/misinformation/discrimination. That isn't any of our *faults* but is our responsibility to identify and correct. When we don't identify or correct our own misconceptions and privileges we are contributing to the problem. You are writing this and by doing so you are on the path to identify and correct a negative situation and cultural/social issue. Good for you for doing so.

Meet this head on and without fear.

I think checking out some books at the local library about diversity could give you opportunity in the safety of your own home to talk about it...I said something equally embarrassing and very loudly when I was about 4 in a Kmart ( mom has no trouble telling the story now) and she wanted to die when it happened then...and I assure you I am very well adjusted now and would never be so inconsiderate! I do not think people take too much offense when it is an innocent young child. I do however think I would apologize and I think you are doing well with some of the things you have done so far.

Oh wow. I actually have had a LOT of people ask me about this because my kids are mixed and see all sides to everyone. I guess it never really hit us because they are used to being around a white M. and a black daddy. They know they are different than the little kids next door, but they also know it does not mean anything. But I think you are doing the right thing to make sure he knows those comments are way out of line. He has heard them from somewhere though - maybe TV? Or is he in daycare? I mean a 3 year old doesn't look at a black person and say "she looks like a gorilla" if he hasn't heard it somewhere - defintely not saying you or anyone you know, but he's heard it. I think you are doing right to try to expose him to things, and really that is the best you can do...other than to constantly explain that people are ONLY different on the inside. I do not feel odd at all at my husband's family reunions being the only white person, beause I don't feel like the only white person. I feel like a family member. And same goes for him with my family. So maybe just keep telling him that over and over. Point out to him some of his differences from other people (eye color, hair color, height, weight, etc) and tell him that he is still the same. It's still another 3 year old boy. So by showing him that he is in fact different from the kids he knows, he might understand a little better. Good luck - this is a tough one!

There's a chapter in the book "Nuture Shock" , which is written from the findings of many studies and scientific research on children's behavior, parental practices and their outcomes - it is a NY Times best seller and recent (2009) - there is a chapter about race which is very interesting. One thing is that, though not proper, it is totally NORMAL for children to discriminate on skin tone. What is often missing is families talking directly about race to children. Even having multicultural friends does not connect the dots for them.

Here is a link to an excerpt from that chapter. Otherwise I got the audiobook from my library and it is really interesting!

http://www.newsweek.com/2009/09/04/see-baby-discriminate....

Yes, kids can definitely humble you! While my daughter has not made monkey sounds she has pointed out peoples differences loud enough for them to hear (limps, accents, weight, skin problems,ect). I too struggle with how to handle it. But like many other situations, I try to remember, the bigger deal you make the more your son may want to act this way again to get your big reaction. So just stay calm and explain in an even toned firm voice loud enought hopefully for the offended party to hear- "we do not say thing like that about other people". I do like to also have side conversations with my daughter later when we are alone and talk about differences in people and how God made us all different. One of the worst was recently we saw an overweight woman while shopping and she said loudly "Mom, that lady must eat too much junk food because her bottom is really big" She has a Bearnstein bears book about junk food that talks about the bears bottoms getting bigger! I just told her sternly- "That is hurtful to say things like that, we don't say things like that." Later we talked about how/why that hurts peoples feelings to point things like that out.

I don't have any real world experience with this sort of thing-as parent anyway-just yet since our LO is 2.

I'm just wondering, given his age, if he realizes that he is getting a reaction from you and that is why he's doing it. (Not the little people thing--It really does sound like he just freaked out). That, in combination with the fact that kids that age just say stuff, because they are trying to figure out the world and/or are noticing differences.

Maybe get some books on racial diversity from the library--as the children's librarian about some books she can suggest, or maybe even videos.

If he's in preschool, ask to speak with the preschool teacher--they may have some good advice for dealing with this.

Yep, that's a pretty strong reaction as well as embarrassing to all around. Does he respond strongly to other things he's not familiar with too?

On a positive note, he's honest about what he's thinking. Medical professionals will call it disinhibited. Keep teaching him. Keep reminding him. Teach him normal responses and other ways to express his wonder when he meets people who are different. He'll soon get it. Perhaps mirror for him at home what he is doing to others so he can see for himself how it would be hurtful to others.

Once, my 2 yr. old daughter got out of her chair at a restaurant, walked right up to this table of very obese adults and poked at the women's fat, then turned and asked me what that was. I was mortified. She was naturally - curious, as a young child should be.

get dolls, shows, and friends, church members.... of all walks of life.
people are born different and sometimes people have trouble eg; walking, talking, hearing, etc. and they have things that help them eg wheelchair... isn't that great that they have that?

is he hanging around older or maybe not so sensitive families?

but sounds more like... my son said "mama is that woman fat?" (she was severely overweight)
i said "its not polite to talk about people"
when we get in the car i said "yes. she was fat. but here's what you say and don't say and why...."
and give him the full scale of reasons for obesity and that it can hurt peoples feelings.
kids are kids. they say what makes sense to them.
its up to us to show them what is socially acceptable.

oh. by the way. my 2 yr old told me in front of her friend that she looked like chocolate. the girl said my daughter looked like chicken. they both giggled.
and you know what? they're both right. LOL

I would address it as soon as it happens. Let the person hear you address it, and then they will know that you're at least working through it with him. For example, the "gorilla" comment could have been addressed by saying, "Honey, we don't talk about people that way. It's not nice to call names like that. Some people are born with lighter skin and some are born with dark skin, but all different colors are beautiful." Or something like that. Show your son that you are not afraid to address race, and won't accept rudeness or unkindness, and show the person who was offended that you are working on the issue. There is a very interesting book, which I can't remember the title, that found in several studies that ignoring race or being "colorblind" does not work - children are then just left to make their own assumptions about race. Only through talking about our differences and explaining why people are different and what to do about it do children learn not to discriminate. Monkey noises are just rude and unkind, and should not be tolerated at all - that is just good manners. It's a process! Good luck!

OH wow! you must have wanted the earth to swallow you up! It makes me want to run out and buy some books like "the Colors of Us" and others that deal with this issue BEFORE my son does th at! cuz it Could happen to any of us! no one is safe from little children with no filter!

Kids are kids.. They have NO FILTERS at that age unfortunately.. My son was 3.5 when he would say things out loud in the grocery store or waiting in line at the post office.. always while I had to be in line and couldn't get out of it, lol..
He would say to a man "WOW, you have a REALLY BIG belly".. I would be MORTIFIED!!! I would try to distract him and show him something in line to divert his attention.. I really wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.. when we would leave the store I would try to explain that saying that REALLY hurts someone's feelings.. I would say " you know how you don't like crying, well saying something like that could make them go outside and cry because you hurt there feelings"..
He would see a woman that looks like a man and say " HI MISTER, HI MISTER".. I would try to whisper and say "that's a girl, stop" BIG MISTAKE... he would say "noooooooooooo mommy, that's a boy".....
It's there age.... Yes, it's VERY embarrassing and I feel so bad for the person that he's saying it to..
Put it this way, I always go to him when I need an honest answer, lol..

It is very good that you try to correct this behavior now before it gets worse with age. Obviously he has heard it somewhere or from someone because its not from home; you need to find the source and put an end to it. Helping your child have more diverse interaction with kids of other cultures, races, etc. whether in person, festivals, museums...etc will help him to understand we are all the same, bleed the same, hurt the same, and love the same. Kids have a natural curiosity to explore differences; just not in the manner your child is presenting. Find the source and explain to the source difference are good, continue to teach your child as you are and you will have the situation handled soon. You're doing a good job.

Oh boy I remember this. My son saw a little African boy at the park. It was the first time my son has ever played with him. My son kept feeling his hair because it was different than his. Looking at him real close. His mom and I could not stop laughing. My son was 3 at the time. I have raised all my kids the same, we do not see color on a person. We just see the person. I grew up in a really racist home. It was the way my parents were raised. I decided when I was real young not to be like them. Good for you for showing him the diversity. Oh and "Little People, Big World" is one of my favorite shows.

I think that having conversations with him and explaining appropriate reactions to different people would be good. Also maybe getting books that explore differences. Where is he learning this behavior from? Someone MUST have told him that black people look like gorillas, as I don't see this being something that he would come up with on his own. And someone had to teach him to run and scream with differences. My son may point out the differences, but he has never reacted like this and we live in a very NON-diverse area of the country.

I'm going to guess it's the women at the gym or, possibly, the handyman.
I think it would be helpful if you, in addition to the conversations you are already having, bring to the table something about how some people say nasty things because they don't know any better. Even grown-ups can be ignorant sometimes. But we want you, DS, to do and think as we do . . .
to be kind and a "good citizen" and not to imitate the ignorant people you may hear from time to time.

Have you asked him where he is learning that from? At 3.5 he should be able to tell you. At 3.5, my kids learned a lot from the other daycare kids. Explain to him that if he wants to make a comment about someone, to whisper it to you and if he says it outloud he'd get a time out. By you not repremanding him at that time he may think it's okay to do those things.

Updated

Have you asked him where he is learning that from? At 3.5 he should be able to tell you. At 3.5, my kids learned a lot from the other daycare kids. Explain to him that if he wants to make a comment about someone, to whisper it to you and if he says it outloud he'd get a time out. By you not repremanding him at that time he may think it's okay to do those things.

awww, yeah my daughter made a comment once to a little person about "looking like a kid with a big head". I tried to explain it away, but luckily she grew up before we saw a person like this again. She also had a fear of the way muslim women dress. Im afraid that the best you can do is try to explain to him that its rude, in the same way you would try to stop a kid from cursing (and not knowing its bad).

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Kid's point out differences as we often encourage as a way they learn like when we are teaching colors, directions, descriptions, etc., but with that comes the differences pointed out that we would NOT encourage. To them, they are just pointing out what they see. Like I remember when my son yelled in the DMV line, "whoa, that man is FAT" around age 3. He didn't know the social appropriateness of description at that point. Another time he laughed and pointed saying somebody is whering a funny costume when it was really regular clothing for a different culture. Somebody else was wearing a patch and my son looked in amazement saying there's a real pirate in this store. It's quite embarassing at the time, though I think most 3 year olds go through a stage like this before they know what is socially appropriate. I would always try to relate it to my son, like for the patch I'd tell him no, it's there for a medical reason just like you are wearing these special shoes for a medical reason. That kind of thing. Then at home, we'd talk a lot about differences in people, read book about differences and similarities, etc. The thing I find especially challenging is that we teach them differences and similarities, how to respond appropriately to differences and similarities, and then we see a guy on stilts at a festival and expect them to notice it as being very silly....but not other physical differences in general public. Can see how it would be kinda tough for a child to grasp completely what similarities to discuss and which to not make anything of. Now my son is 6 and very respectful of differences in people. My four year old does not fully have it grasped yet in his attitude, but is getting there. Best wishes in getting through this stage without too much struggle. :)