Teaching Toddler Not to Be Selfish?

I have a 23 month old DD and she is the same way. She thinks everything is hers and call everything mine, even if it is in her hand! Even if I am about to hand her something she whines/cries to get it, as if I wasn't going to give it to her. She goes to day care full time. I think it is just part of being 2.

To combat it, I am withholding items if she is whining and telling her she needs to ask me in a normal voice. I also make her stop and say May I please, etc before I give it to her. Sometimes she goes to time out if she can't calm down.

Good luck!

Well, you have to stop giving in to her. When you say something, you need to stick with it, or she will push you around for the rest of her life.
It is OK for her to throw a trantrum. Just ignore the behavoir, and if their is a pause in her "cry" repeat what you are asking of her.
She is very smart and after a few tests to see if you mean what you say, she will test you less often. But you will have to follow through and stand by what you have said.
Good Luck! You can do it!

She's 2, not selfish. This is totally normal behavior. Sure, it's not desirable behavior. However, it's definitely the age. The first thing you need to do, is stop giving in to her!! That will do the opposite of what you want, and keep breeding this behavior. Put her in a time out when she has a tanrtum, and ignore the behavior. Don't respond to it. Any attention (in her mind) is exactly what she desires.

I think you're mixing up your expectation of manners with being selfish. All toddlers are inherently selfish, they just haven't developed a sense of empathy and have no way to feel what's it's like to walk in another person's shoes.

When mine were little I just said "we need to share", you take your turn and then it's another kids turn. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but you just keep trying. Eventually they learn if they want to play with other kids they have to share, the natural consequences of life will fix selfishness as she grows. As long as she has lots of time to socialize with other kids.

As for the whining and demanding I just didn't respond or said "rephrase that please". When they could ask politely for something in an even tone then they got what they asked for, not before. It can be frustrating as it will take time for her to get it but DO NOT GIVE IN. If you give her what she wants when she speaks in a whiney voice and tantrums she will know it works and continue. There are few things as annoying as a little kid who whines for everything and it can just keep on going right into the school age years.

This is a totally normal stage they all go through.
They grow out of it by about 4 yrs old.
This is part of what makes up the terrible twos and threes.

Toddler Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

J., you're expecting your 2 year old to act like a 5 year old. She can't do it.

You need to read two things. One is about child development, specifically this age set. Another is The Toddler Creed. Google it and enjoy. (Yes, really, I meant enjoy.) It is all about your daughter and every other 2 year old.

About the food, please don't tell her that the food isn't hers and that she has to say please in order to eat. If you are willing to let her have something, then don't put "please" as a condition for it. Food is a right, not a privilege. If you have food out that she is not supposed to have, then put it away. If you are eating when she can't eat, don't eat in front of her. You're expecting her to understand that it's not meal time or that you can eat what she can't. She's too young for that and you shouldn't expect for her to understand. And the last thing you should do is tell her "no" for stuff and then let her do it. You're going to be really sorry if you keep that up - she will learn to manipulate you by having meltdowns and tantrums to get her way.

She IS going to say "mine!" for everything. Stop fighting with her over it and just continue to teach the sharing thing. Don't expect her to learn it for several years. Teach her to say "thank you". That's what you want to hear, especially for food. You can teach "Please pass the potatoes. Thank you!" rather than withholding from her until she says it. Or you can say "What's the magic word?" and SMILE at her rather than make it a tug-of-war. Say the word please FOR HER if she doesn't say it. That way you are teaching rather than demanding.

This is the time that tantrums and whining start. When she starts to whine, don't say no to what she says. Look at her ONCE and say "I can't understand you when you whine. You need to talk to me in your nice voice so I can understand." Then you turn away and ignore her until she uses her regular voice. As soon as she does, you "turn back on", look at her and deal with her right then and there. And you don't say NO, and then say YES. You show consistency and stick to your decisions.

That means think before you tell your daughter no. Try to say yes to as much as you can! Yes can have caveats. Yes, you can go outside, but first we must do "x". Yes, you can see Dora, but first we must "x". You already had Dora time, so now it's time to do "x". The more you can take "no" out of your vocabulary with her, the better things will be.

When she has a meltdown, say to her "you must be tired, so you need to go to your room" and put her in her room and close the door. Don't let her come out and don't let her know you are outside the door holding on to the doorknob. She will finally stop having her tantrum because she has NO audience. When she is quiet, you "show up" and open the door and say "Are you ready to talk nicely to me?" Then tell her that we do not yell, hit, jump up & down, whatever she did when mommy says she cannot do something. Tell her you know she is disappointed and sad, mad, whatever you want to call it. It's good to give her emotion a name and acknowledge it. However, she will have to go into her room alone if she has a tantrum.

If you do this EVERY SINGLE TIME she starts having a meltdown or tantrum, she will make the connection that her tantrums get her NOTHING. She will grow into stopping having them, unless she has special needs and cannot control herself. Right now, she WILL have trouble controlling herself because she is too young to get your lesson until she has been put in her room over and over. And with the whining, the same applies.

You must be 100% consistent. And you must be patient. Understanding where she is developmentally is key in accepting your daughter for who she is and helping shape her behavior over the coming developmental stage.

Good luck,
Dawn

Yes, this is normal.

I was shocked when my preschool (2 year old program) would RESPECT the child's needs when they weren't done with a swing or a toy.
"OK John, you need to wait your turn or play with something else. When Jack is finished with the swing, you can go on." And John would find something else. John would respect the boundaries. This is something John has to learn too.

Or they would have 10 shovels, to prevent problems and kids could have one and not fight over one.

Kids need to own before they can share (forgot who said that). They need to feel safe, they need to learn the boundaries and people won't trample them, THEN they will share.

Do adults walk over to you and expect you to "share" your purse and belongings? And hand it over cheerfully? Of course not. Why do we push this on toddlers?

She's normal. Just confirm, yes, this is yours when it is. Help her feel safe. Once she sees that you do this (have her back) she'll be less panicky and hand things over easily.

This is totally normal development. When she says something is "MINE" and it is actually yours, you could say, "no, it's mine, but I'll share with you" and proactively share it without holding out for her to ask, say please or throw a tantrum. That will model to her how much fun sharing is for both parties. If it is something that is the family's (house, car, etc), you can say, "No, it is OURS! We get to use this together!"

toddlers are naturally self-centric, there's nothing wrong with it. but of course, it IS our job to civilize the little savages. that happens long-term by example, and short term by having simple, age-appropriate rules and expectations.
and you HAVE to stick with them. how can a tiny 2 year old figure out the boundaries if you deliberately confuse her by changing them? how can she trust that what you tell her is so when you insist on one thing and in the same breath permit another? that's not being 'nice', it's giving her chaos as her model.
give your daughter the kindness and courtesy of simple rules that are easy for her to grasp. meltdowns occur from frustration. they're part of the learning process. it's okay for her to tantrum while she's figuring it out, YOU need to learn to handle her tantrums calmly, lovingly, and without adding constantly changing parameters to her world.
khairete
S.

Well, toddlers are developmentally ages 12 months up to 24 months so she should be starting to learn about her environment more now. She will most likely start coming out of that toddler mentality too.

Here's a toddler poem for you:

http://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/12550/54.html

TODDLER’S RULES
1.1- If I want it, it's mine
2- If it's in my hand, it's mine
3- If I can take it away from
you, it's mine
4- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
5- If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way
6- If we are building something together,
all the pieces are mine
7- If it just looks like mine, it's mine
8- If I think it's mine, it's mine
9- If I give it to you and change
my mind later, it's mine
10- Once it's mine it will never belong
to anyone else, no matter what

ETA: In answer to your follow-up-- yes, I do think that there are times when, for the good of everyone around, we do accommodate the child's desire in order to prevent the tantrum. The situation you described is a perfect example-- if your kid is freaking out because you won't give them a cookie at a sensitive moment, no one will be applauding your strong discipline skills, they'll just be thinking 'give that kid the damn cookie'.

In her book "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline which works at home and at School" by JoAnne Nordling (one of my go-to books and a must-read for my preschool parents; the book is primarily focused on age 3 and up but still, wisdom), Nordling offers similar advice. She states that there are times when you likely won't be able to follow-up with a consequence, and therefore, we will sometimes as parents be forced to use our good discretion. And that we *shouldn't feel badly about this*. Life is messy and sometimes we will be (gasp! ;) ) inconsistent because of the situation at hand. So you do what you must... if you are visiting Uncle Harvey at the retirement home, give her the cookie, as it were. Life is made up of moments, and if you are being largely consistent at home and during other times (hold fast at the store if you can!), you'll be fine. They *do* grow out of it!

Thanks, Gamma G, for the Toddler Rules. :)

J., I was a toddler group teacher for a couple years and your kid is so on-target for her age, please don't worry. This is a toddler situation, not a lifelong situation. Here's one example: when I was in the toddler room, we made sure we had 8 of everything (8 kids in there). When I moved to being a teacher for older kids, I offered only a few of each item because they were learning *how* to take turns with things at 3.5-5 years, and this forced them to practice that skill.

also know that "MINE!" is shorthand/quickspeak for "I want that Mommy! That food looks so good, I want some!" When my son was a toddler, I often set a little aside for Kiddo on a separate dish. I wouldn't make a child jump through too many hoops, but I don't let them eat off my plate. "OH, this one is for mama, and you may have THIS one." as I hand them their own dish.

Remember-- this is a small phase. As your child gets older, you'll be able to correct this more and more. My rule with toddlers and preschools is that, if they are playing with an individual item/toy, they may use it until they're done, if there's a multiple item (like blocks) I tend to give a child half and another child half and then sit between the two kids as they play to be present for any conflict. They are still really learning property at this age.

And lastly, model as much of sharing as you can, yourself. If you find yourself taking a lot of things away from her and saying "mine", consider keeping those items up out of reach. Kids often learn a lot from what they see us do!

ETA: I heartily agree with Dawn's suggestion of eating 'not supposed to have' foods later on, after bedtime or away from the child. I once walked in on some co-teachers eating cake in front of the younger toddler group and telling them "Oh, no, you can't have any"... that was NOT a pleasant conversation.

This is totally normal in terms of child development. We haven't been out of the trees that long as a species. Imagine 10,000 years ago... what would have happened to a child who gave up her food when someone asked for it? She'd starve. What would happen if she gave up necessary tools to another child? She would no longer have them. Is it any wonder, then, that two year olds aren't good at sharing? The ones who were great at sharing died out long ago - survival of the fittest.

Two year olds don't really play WITH other children anyhow, they play next to them. Playing with other children comes a little later, around 3 or 4. She will slowly get better at learning social niceties. Until then, just do what you can to reinforce how you'd like her to act. When she hands you something, tell her "Thank you!" with a big smile. If she says thank you, act thrilled and say, "You're welcome!" If you do notice her sharing, praise her. Pick your battles. Two year olds are rarely polite; it's not worth causing a meltdown insisting that she act like she's having tea with the Queen. ;)

she is normal.. she is 2.. she cannot share. her brain is not developed the sharing part yet..

show her good sharing behavior. but you have to wait till seh is 3 or 4. then she will be able to share.. but she still might not want to.

For mine, I didn't even attempt to make two-year-olds "want to share", but I did discipline tantrums. They didn't have to "share" but they weren't allowed to be mean or snatch or throw fits. My youngest is now three and she still doesn't WANT to share, but she knows she has to take turns and can't beg, snatch etc. Don't be too worried about her motives or character at this age, but she is old enough for discipline to set good habits.

And STOP preventing tantrums by giving in with a little speech about what she should do. She'll keep doing it! She gave you that smile because she knows she conquered you :)

Let her have the fit but warn her not to. If she does, discipline her. She'll mind your warning the next time not to have the fit (once it sinks in) and the thing she's demanding will have nothing to do with it, so you'll be able to stop her any time, anywhere.

Sounds like you're doing fine.

Don't take the "mine" to mean she's in danger of becoming selfish -- it's developmental, and also she doesn't yet have the language skills to just ask politely.

But you are teaching her, so she'll be fine.

In answer to your last question in your SWH. Yes, I would give her what she wants if it's possible BEFORE she starts to whine. I'd be more lax in what I'd allow her to do in order to prevent the tantrum. And, if I couldn't allow her to have or do what she wanted, I'd take her out BEFORE she reaches the crying tantrum stage.

I don't think kids should HAVE to just share!! I mean if someone comes and wants your stuff do you just give it to them while you are still using it? NO.

So what I teach my daycare kids to do is say "when I'm done" if someone asks for the thing they have. And to follow through. Sometimes I make them be done if they are hogging it too long, but usually not. This solves so many issues and is such a simple thing. Practicing how to do this for both parties is the key - you can do this with your daughter with toys at home, you pretend to play and coach her on how to ask and what you say then reverse roles.

If it were food, you just have to be strong and if it's yours say NO every time.