Teen Discipline

I think that is fair. Its hard for any kid ecspecially coming from difficult family patterns to assimilate into a new one. Maybe she is testing the waters, trying to get you to let her go feeling she is provoking the inevitable. It sounds like she's been stealing from you for some time. Does she shoplift? She ay a generalized stealing problem. It sound like you're doing all the right things to provide with good loving boundaries.

I do not think that is too much. I am a Social Worker
(graduated from GVSU where you live!), and have worked in Foster Care. What does her Case worker say? Can she/he get through to her?

Many times they are testing you to she if you too will push them away like many others in their lives--don't do that! You say she is a great kid, so their must be some bonding going on, that is excellent! That is exactly what she needs. Be careful of the advice you get, because this is not your ordinary teen, and you have to take that into consideration, plus you have State laws and regulations you must follow in regaurd to discipline.

Keep doing what you are doing, and show lots of attention for her good behavior. I would talk with her Case Worker or Therapist if it gets worse to see what they think.

Bless you for doing this hard job!

I also had foster children for much of my earlier days when my children were younger. All foster children crave the affection whether it be in the form of teaching right and wrong, giving the hugs and kind words, support and caring....remember they may not of had anything and took care of themselves...it is an adjustment...be patient. I enjoyed the teenagers for the friendship type closeness, younger ones suck up the love, and the babies love to cuddle. I see you have other children too, maybe there is a jealousy there..you didnt mention their ages...teaching respect and heading into adulthood, as with your own children, quite a challange...good luck and your form of teaching sounds just fine. lb

Hi J., it sounds like to me she is crying out for attention. So you are the foster parent? Does she have any time with her other parents? Teens believe it or not want to be disclipne, but they want to be listen to and respected.
They are going through alot with pier pressure, and they usually do not feel good abougt themselves. Espcially if thier parents do not have time for them.
I belive that familys should sit down and eat togeather.
Then things could be talked about more often.
Also spend one and one time with them. With all of your children, that is a good idea.
Giving children what they want is not a good thing. They have to earn it in some way.
Chores or doing good in school. I also belive in instead of nagging at them, tell them about the things you like about them. No one wants to hear about the bad things all the time, they also want to hear the positive. I hope this helps you.
J., I used to have a day care and I love children, all ages. They all want to be loved and accepted more then anything. Not spoiled or give in too all the time. By the way, Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family.
G.

My guess is she's not used to having people on her 'side'. I would venture to say that it's a new concept entirely and stealing is just a way to look out for herself b/c who else will? Consistency, patience, discipline and love will eventually get through to her and show her that YOU are in her corner to provide the things she needs/wants and that your discipline is out of caring what kind of person she ends up in life! (of course, that may take a few years to realize...lol) I think that grounding is a great place to start. Just make sure that there are plenty of hugs, too!
~L.

Hi J. -- there's nothing wrong with proportionate punishment for kids -- all children should be given consequences. However, if you find this behavior persisting, don't get mad --Get help! Look up "kleptomania" on the Internet -- there's a great explanation of what it is on Wikipedia -- and see if your foster child fits that profile. All compulsive behavior -- eating, shopping, stealing -- comes from wanting to fill an emotional void. Repetitive punishment just ends up making the person more resentful and inadequate. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they do it anyway. Instead, see if you can find a way to channel her energies into something consuming that she will be good at, which will improve her self-esteem. Make her feel that you believe she can rise above this and that she is capable of great things. That way, she can be the engine of her own change, and the change that comes from personal conviction is always more real and less temporary than something externally imposed! I hope this helps.

Don't have any experience with this, but just a thought: have you tried talking to her and letting her decide what her punishment will be if she continues to do it? Then she won't be angry at you if you take away her priviledges, as she would have been the one to decide the punishment. And talk to her peditrician about this as it could indicate a more serious concern (some forms of theft are due to compulsive disorders, where she just can't control herself and no form of punishment is going to help her or you, etc.). Good Luck!

Can you seek therapy to address the "underlying cause" creating the problem? Consult with a counselor-therapist-psychologist for your teenager to prevent it from getting into a more serious problem.

Have you sat down with this beautiful child and explained to her that it is wrong to steal? My husband and I raised 4 foster children to adulthood. When they came into our home they lied constantly. They did not know how not to lie. They were raised in an invironment that it was okay to lie and cheat as long as you got away with it. When we realized this we had a heart to heart loving talk with them and things began to turn around. One of the girls passed away at 44 years but the others are married. We now have 8 beautiful grandchildren (and I must say almost all are college graduates)and 7 beautiful great grandchildren. Bless you in your efforts to help this child.

Hi J.!
Ok looks like someone already mentioned counseling. Teen girls are "interesting" as we all know anyways!! Never mind all that this poor young lady has gone through on top of it all! May you be Blessed for taking on such a challenge! I know she is already Blessed in having you for a Mom!
C.

Just keep talking. She is in "survival" mode. Maybe she needs a part time job to earn her own money and create self esteem. Good Luck.

The punishment won't teach her anything she doesn't already know (she's a bad person, she deserves bad treatment). Oh, and the punishment was irrelevant to the crime, so it will be experienced as meanness, not necessity. If you ever feel compelled to 'do' anything punitive about a crime, it needs to at the very least be reparations for the crime.

Confronting her with an opportunity to lie is baiting her to behave badly. Instead, say 'oh, don't argue about it, I know exactly what happened, and I'm concerned about you and what you'll think of yourself if you continue doing this.'

It is likely that the thefts are habits rather than conscious plots to do wrong -- that she has learned so long ago that she 'can't have' that she feels compelled to 'take' whenever the feelings arise.

I would suggest 2 things: be with her 100% of the time (can't steal things when people are watching) and; offer her a great deal more than she needs over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

She has concluded that there is an insufficiency in the world. Convince her otherwise.

Could it be a case of 'any attention is good attention'? She may be wanting more attention from you & your spouse. Or it could just be a stupid teenage phase of rebellion against you and getting what she wants on her own. Scare tactics are usually pretty effective, so if you have a 'scare them straight' program in your area, maybe sign her up for that. Good luck!