Teen Not Wanting to Be with Family

Thanks for asking. Teen years, in the throws too--I find comfort in www.parentingtodayteens.org I appreciate the daily advice and his website.

Yes, hormones! This is a late response, but I second that! I went through some horrible attitude adjustments when I was that age - but in the end, you're the mom! It sounds like you did a good job making her go to the family dinner. I would not let her go out with her friends all the time (they could be negative influences as well) and make certain times for family and certain times for friends....so there is a 'norm.' Like she HAS to eat dinner with her family 3 times a week - she can choose the days...and then if she is good, she can go out with friends on the weekend. If she knows what is expected, then she will at least do the minimum until she grows out of this hard stage. She does not hate you and she will appreciate you sticking with her through this hard time...even look back on it and be amazed at how you put up with her! :)

I teach 7th and 8th graders, and I hate to say it, but she sounds like a teenager. there is a time in their young lives that they are embarrassed by everything that is family. Most of the time they grow out of it, just continue to be consistent and don't let her tell you how it will be.

Good luck (I know these can be trying times) =O}

I am sorry, but I have to disagree with the notion that a 'teen will be a teen' notion.
There are MANY teens who are disproving this idea, and proving it FALSE. My husband and I feel that a family should be close, and communicative, and show God's love to each other and all our children are not spending all their time in their rooms, enjoy talking and spending time with us (most of the time), and continuing to disprove the notion that a teenager will rebel against parental authority and parents in general.
Our kids also get along with each other most of the time and enjoy playing together most of the time as well.
Check out this website:
http://www.therebelution.com/
and (hope that I am NOT stepping on anyone's faith here) emerse your child in the principles of family set forth by God.
Now I wonder how many flaming emails I'll get on this one....

I know this is a very late response, but I had to write.
When I was your daughter's age, I did the same thing. I did not want ot be around family, only friends and I was also a good kid, but sometimes good kids do bad things and then they fall in to this resentment phase that makes them rebel even more. Your daughter is very young still and should not have the freedom to make her own choices on family dinners, etc. Be very careful in believing that because she is active and seems to be a good kid that she is OK and it is just a teen thing. I was 13 and started to want to experiment with boys, then 14 came and I wanted to experiment with drugs, I was so lost and had my mom so fooled that I was a "good" kid. My mom wanted me to like her and would let me be and by the time I was 15, I had already had sex, tried Cocain, Crystal Meth. etc. my parents had no idea. I only share this with you because I applaud you that your daughter does not like you right now, I hope that when my kids are teens I can say the same thing because I don't want to be their friend at that time, I want to be their parent. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was saved through my brother's death and the Lord put me on the right path and today I am happily married 11 years with four amazing children. Although, it was not because of my parents, they remained wanting to give me my freedom, being my friend and letting me live, etc. Check up on her, don't let a day go by that you don't know where she is or who she is with. My husband was raised that way and though he struggled with it at times as a teen, he ended up having great respect for his parents and never broke their trust and never got in to the things that I did as a teen.
Always remember without rules their is no respect and without respect, their is no relationship!
God bless you and your family!
W.

I pretty much agree with all.

If you have a minute or two and enjoy "self-help" books,

Try "Reviving Ophelia" (I'd give you an author, but I'm not sure... Mary Pipher?).

It is exceptionally difficult to become a woman because we tell our daughters they can be anything they want to be - but then they see the glass ceiling and they see the rampant sexism and they experience unbelievable harrassment in school (some of it from even well-meaning teachers) - and - well - they are angry. (At the world. And - mother is a safe person to take it out on.)

A little psychobabble perhaps - but - in my daughter and my case it fit the situation pretty darn well.

Good news: we are very close now and I'd say she is my best friend...

D....I sooo feel for you! I have a 13 y/o and she is "busy" all the time, too. There have been so many helpful responses already, so I'm sure you have a good plan in place. I just wanted to add a little to what "Mom C" said about the book, "Reviving Ophelia." My husband and I read the same book and I highly recommend it. My husband is a psychologist and he thought that this book is a must read for parents of girls. I believe (along with a strong Christ-focused family unit) that we as parents can do a lot to remedy the situations with our teen girls if we just have a "gut-check moment" before we respond to some of their behavior. It's so easy to see our teens as rebelious or hateful, when in reality they are just trying to express hurt or frustration...they just don't have the tools to do it. Some of the best conversations I've had with my daughter started with her saying or doing something that I just wanted to wring her neck for! But I took a deep breath and had her elaborate or explain. We as parents always want to talk and give direction or advice, and a majority of the time it just helps to listen :o). My husband and I are no softies, either! We have high expectations of our children and their behavior. We don't tolerate disrespect and we value our family time. We pick our battles...We give her two or three options that are good for us and let her choose between those. It gives her a sense of control in her life and it has lessened the conflict. She enjoys our family outings more and she has even chosen family over her friends on a few occasions :o).

I hope this helps...

Good Luck!

I sure sympathize with you. i'm sure you are giving your daughter a lot of love. Parenting a teen daughter myself, my oldest is 14, I can relate to the separating from the family thing. I try going in to her room each evening for 5 to 20 minutes (depending on if she wants to talk) and asking her, in a private setting, how her day went and asking some spedific question like, who are you hanging out with at school lately? Or, how are all of the girls your class getting along. Like your daughter, she is an A student and is very self-motivated. I know that she loves us all, but she has definitely reverted to having more alone time. If your daughter says she hates her family, she may really be saying, "I don't think I can be known by anyone in my family". From what I understand about teens is that they are trying to separate to form their own identity, but the contradictory thing that they don't know--and it won't help to tell them in words-is that they need to have a good relationship with their family in order to develop a healthy identity. Have you read the FIVE languages of Love? (Or, "the five love lanauges"). I can't remember the author. It details these love languages, and relates then to our marraige relationship but also, maybe in a separate book, it relates it to parent child relationships. you can google the title and see if you can find it (it may be 10-15 years since publication). Ideas in the book are presented to help you understand your loved one's personality and what kinds of reaching out they will recieve as love. As parents, we are all doing the best we can. I tend to read a lot, b/c my parents sent me away to a boarding school at age 14. So I don't have a lot of family life myself, at that age,to draw upon. I wish you the best. --K. T

does " house of hormones " ring a bell? this is all normal. you and i probably did it too we just dont remember. i have boys 2 bio and 5 adopted. we got the 5 as teens but regardless they alos have hormones. my oldest also went throught the hating me and not wanting tolive withme because i had rules and all of a sudden they were stupid rules. the only good thing about being divorced is that i was able to offer him to go live at his dads even thought it broke my heart. he lasted 2 weeks then wanted to come home but i made himstay until the end of the semester. that cause him not to be able to play ffotball the next season when he moved back and of course that was my fault too. he also moved out a month before high school graduation to his girlfirends house. i didnt condone thay type of behavior inmy house and her mom did he was 18 and thought he was an adult and could do anything he wanted. after a week he came over and appologized and wated to come back home and i let him because he was going to be going away but there were more rules then. he was an angel when he came back to a clean house and meals on the table 3 times or more a day. we still ahd occasional tiffs but when he turned 21 he miraculously became my friend. now that he has a baby ( he is 30) he thinks we are best friends. but dont tell his wife that. my youngest bio had some depression problems so he had a harder time but he is my baby boy and we have always been close. that was a big part of the problem with my oldest he thought Jay got more atention than he did.jay and i have always been close and really we always have been friends. he worries about me and is such a good kid. i dont know if it was because i spent a lot more time with him or because he saw me go through chris. always obeys the rules and gets good grades but when he started spending a lot of time inhis room, sleeping etc i knew there was aproblem. he would go through weeks of sleeping all the time, covered his windows and would lie in the dark, not be with firends then when that was over he would run a lot, like 100 miles a week. the docotr thought he was bipolar but finally was convinced that he felt so bad aobut losing time that he was trying to make up the time he lost. he is also a cross country runner and got a full scholarsip to run cross country and also a lot of academnic ones. he is studying nursing and i miss him so bad. he has been coming home about once a month and i go up there about once a month too. thankfully his step dad has no problem with us being so close and fully supports it. the adopted boys all came with a lot of problems but i think that having consistency and rules really helped. that and a lot of love. they all tried to test me so much but it didnt work. now they all congregate here as much as possible. i always wanted a big family but was only able tohave the two and now sometimes i think " what was i thinking" when they are all at home along with astring of friends but then my hsuband reminds me how happy i look when i am cooking huge pans of lasagne or whatever or cuddling on the couch with one of the boys and the others are standing in line for their cuddle time. being a mom is so rewarding but we have to pay a price. just keep the lines of communication open and have plenty of time alone with them whether they like it or not. it may not be your idea of fun but its easier if its a fun activity for them. i always scheduled a time of the week for only one of them we could do whatever he wanted. and the others were not to bother us unless there were borken bones, mass amounts of blood or fire involved. for example. on monday evenings i had onehour of interrupted time with one and on wednesday the other. with my oldest we went for drives out for ice cream and even watched a movie just the two of us. my youngest liked ot go to the park or to go throw a baseball or football around. later on i started runnign with him, ok behind him. the other kids some of them just wanted to lie on my bed and cuddle and talk about anythign they had on their mind. another liked to cook with me another wanted me to teach him how to drive ( that was scary) another went riding horses with me and another would ride behind me on my harley . when you set up time to be alone make sure you tell them they dont have to do anything , maybe just taking a nap in her room . you would be surprised . and for you, silence makes them really nervous. dont interrogate. if they dont want to talk they wont but if you dont talk they find something to talk about. even if it is just " what are you doing in my room?" just smile and say i miss you and i want to be around you so im here. if they say they dont want you there just smile and stay. that drove my kdis nuts. smae with discipline. the rule is that if you lie to me the consequences will be worse because mom ALWAYS finds out. if youtell ther truth it will be less . but i hve to think about the punishment for a while, i make them sweat and once in a while there is no punishment at all but they worry all the more.for example. sean was getting bad grades even though we did homework together he didnt tunr itin. i found it in his back pack 2 weeks later and kept it. i would leave it in there for a bout 2 weeks and so forth. when it came time for parent teacher conference he got "deathly" ill he thought i was going to stay home with him. i left him with my neighbor and he told me before i left that he had an f. i didnt say anythign and jsut took al the assignments to the teacher and explained she put his grade up but we never told him. he creeped around the house wondering if i was going to do anything and turned all his assignments in on time after that. hedidnt find out till report card cam but he is now21 and still wonders if im going to ground him.if it was bad then they got punished right away. mikey one of the adopted boys was caught shoplifiting. walmarts policy is release minors to their parents and not prosecute. while we were in the walmart office we called the police and had him " arrested" they couldnt really do anythign because walmart didnt press charges but the cop was really good about cuffing him and taking him in. we let him stay for a couple fo hours.if we had been able to let him stay overnight we would have. tomy knowledge he has never shoplifted again and wont even go into walmart to this dy. he is convinced that evryone in walmart knows he is a criminal. he is now 22. and he was gounded for a long long time and still remembers he didnt go to his senior prom because he made a bad choice. so good luck. and jsut dont take kids too seriously. they wont talk to you on your terms but if you are there they will eventualy have to talk to somebody. also at that age, having rule is a good idea like not going anywhere every night of the week and if she doesnt want to spend " quality" not scowling" time with the family then she " must be so unhappy" that she shouldnt even tlak to her firends on the phone or hang out with them for a while.

Hi D.
As a mother of boys(already in their twenties)-my situation was definitely different from yours-but one tip that I think works with all teens--take them for a LONG ride. ALONE. I don't know what is it about the car but my boys seemed to spill it all in the car. Whenever I felt the need-if I thought there might be something important I needed to find out about-Go for a ride.
Hope this helps.
J.

Hey D.,

I know you have already gotten some good advice on this one. But I just finished a book that has totally changed my view on parenting. It is called "Parenting is Heart work" by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. This book is all about connecting with the heart of your children. I have watched my husband put into practice the principles in this book with his 16 yr. old son and WOW! there hearts are connected like glue! His son used to do the same as your daughter and now, he wants to do everything with his dad! I highly recommend this book to every parent regardless of how old your children are. I ordered mine from this web site www.biblicalparenting.org

Hope this helps!!!
T.

Welcome to the world of teenagers! LOL I went through it once already with my 21 year old and I have a 13 year old son right now. They start wanting privacy and independence. They're moody and will say hurtful things as a way to express themselves. You were right to tell her that she must go to family functions. If you let her stop going, then she will surely break away from the family too soon. Our rule has always been that "we are a family", period. We do everything together. If you don't like, that's fine, but you'll still go and not be nasty about it. Keep it to yourself. The kids will appreciate this whent they're adults. You're correct in pulling in the reigns on going out so much. When the mature comes out then she can have more freedom. Otherwise, pull in the reigns and keep an eye on her. There are times we do let our older children stay home, but it is a case by case basis. If we want to go to Walmart and our son's grades and behavior has been fine and he doesn't want to go, then he can stay home and watch a baseball game. We call at random times to check on how he's doing and we make it sound like no big deal. But if they're untrustworthy then they don't stay home. And under no circumstances is it allowed EVER for any child in our household to EVER say they hate anyone in our family, or any person for that matter. My triplets are going through the typical "I don't like you anymore" phase. It's unaccepted and will not be tolerated. If they're mad at someone, say so and the reason why. NEVER say hate and never say you don't care for another family member. We don't allow our children to say, for example, "I hate my teacher!" Nope. It's ok to say, "I don't like her" or better still "I don't like how she grades". Be specific and no blanket statements that are nasty, just to be spiteful. The expectations you set for your 13 year old will be seen by your 10 year old and your 13 year old needs to understand and learn that her actions affect her sister and she WILL set a positive example for her. Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
Live within 2 hours, chat and events!

Susie Walton has a teen class for parents. Its at Indigo Village in Encinitas. Look at Indigo Village.com. I took the class (1 2 1/2 hour class) and it was full of awesome information about relating and where teens are coming from.
I would highly recommend the class.

N. Brandt

Dear D.,
My advice is going to be contrary to what a lot of other moms have posted, but I've been through some Horrible stuff with my step-son & I pray that you won't have to endure anything like it. If your daughter is pulling away, you do need to give her some space, but not very much and absolutely do NOT trust her completely! We made this mistake with my stepson & have paid for it ever since. He is nearly 19 now & is back living with his mom. He's in school. (He dropped out @ 17 while living with us, b/c he said we were too strict & his mom would let him live with her & he could do what he wanted.) True to her word, he dropped out & she let him move back in with her. He is aggressively cutting his arms & has posted photos on his myspace page indicating that he's depressed & needs help. However, he doesn't seem to know what help he wants/needs or whether he'd be willing to help that's offered.
You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to renew/build a close relationship with your daughter. Rebellion is NOT natural/normal, etc. It is an expression of disobedience & refusal to submit to authority. If she won't follow your rules now, she will very likely not follow the laws at some point in the future. I am not trying to scare you, only warn you that if you don't turn this around now, it will only get harder with time. When I said be willing to do whatever it takes, that means cutting back time from work or extracurriculars. It may mean that you have to temporarily withdraw her from stuff so that she knows you're serious about her being part of the family. You need to know who her friends are, when/where/how often they get together or even just talk & what they're talking about. She is testing the limits to see how much she can get away with, much like a small child. However, at this age it's MUCH more dangerous, especially since you have a younger sibling who will be watching how you act/react & how she acts/reacts. If you attend a church regularly, I would recommend seeking godly counsel from a pastor or someone in authority who might be able to give you some insight.
Looking back, I think that we did as much as we could & the best we could, considering that my step-son's mom refused to have/enforce any rules at her home. She was always too worried about being his friend, and having him like her, to parent him. Sadly, that lack of boundaries has done a lot of damage, and some of it may never be repaired.
I will be praying for you & your family as you deal with this situation & try to get your daughter back on the right path.

Another good quote that I LOVE...it makes me laugh out loud..."Raising a teenager is like trying to nail Jello to a tree." Just imagine! It fits, doesn't it? The frustration of it all...it's almost the same. hehehe!
Good luck and God Bless you and yours!

Oh...Just a thought. Let her know how important it is to you and your husband that she spend some time with you as a family...that you "miss" her. Ask her how she would like to spend quality time as a family. You know what she likes...make some suggestions, set aside some time each week,(specified ahead of time)and make it a priority for all members of your family to attend.
-play a game of Monopoly or Uno or Phase 10
-cook a meal TOGETHER
-make a gift for someone else...as a family (handmade ornaments, blankets, etc)
-the sky is the limit!!!

In Christ's love,

M....

I remember being this way too. Then went through the same things with my stepdaughter when she was about 12-13. She lived with her mom who is a great mom and took care of the kids wonderfully. Both my husband and I and his ex-wife and her husband were a close knit family for the kids and still are even after they are grown. But to the point.... Her mom let her stay with her friends more than I would have liked. Even on school nights, which I just didn't think was right considering that she wasn't that good at school anyway. She didn't have much of an interest in it because she had a learning disability. But we found later that some of her friends parents although we thought they had about the same rules as we did, would let them get away with things they knew we would not approve of. Including a relationship with a certain young man. This went on for years and our daughter ended up pregnant at 17 and a junior in high school. I will have to say that it was years of turmoil and of course the boy turned out to be just what we had tried to explain to her all those years ago - but it was the romeo and juliet syndrome. None of us would change having my grandson, he's the light of my life - but my point is - it's dangerous to let your children live by other peoples rules and if they are never home you just don't know what is going on even if you think you know the parents. So keep the lines of communication open but also keep your eyes open. There may be a reason why she doesn't want to be around your family. Maybe she's getting away with more somewhere else. Its much easier to set boundaries now instead of trying to stop it after it's gotten out of control later. My moms rule was always if I stayed with someone at their house, they had to stay with me once before I could stay with them again. This helped her get a feel of what we did and who I was with. And I always told them that any of their friends were welcome at my house anytime to try and keep them home. I tried to do fun things with them or provide them with fun things to do at our house. I'm sure your daughter is just at that rebellious age - I just wanted to let you know that it can get out of control very easy if you don't set the tone now. They try to grow up way too fast these days. Good luck and God Bless!

Hi D.,

I would get in touch with Laura Rush the Conferencing Program Coordinator at ###-###-####.

Set up an appointment and get to the bottom of this dilemma.

Hope this helps. D.

Hi D.,
I would recommend the book The Five Love Languages for Children. It helps to understand what each child needs without you pulling your hair out. Hope that helps.

I too am a late responder but just wanted to tell you it sounds painful, but fairly normal. Always ask if she would like to go, even ask if she would like to pick the restaurant. If she doesn't want to go, it feels strange without having them there, but she'll be out more and more as she ages so it takes some getting used to. I would always bring our teen back a take-out dinner (and I would tell them I would) from where-ever we went and they would love that. They really enjoy time alone just monitor her computer usage, school attendance, grades and friends closely since you won't be spending as much time with her. As long as they are all in tact - she's just cutting some of those strings that will make her an independent young women.

I have two sons and one daughter who are ranging in age from 17 down to 12.

My oldest son who is 17 used to complain he wanted more personal freedom. I am pretty strict. He is now a senior in high school and I let him go out occasionly during the week. I don't think they should be running around on school nights period. He was allowed to go out to eat on Wednesday nights with the football team and he appreciated that.

I was asked about going to teen clubs. I said NO WAY. So what does a older teen or early twenty year old have to look forward to if they have been clubbing since they were 13? Much like the gal who was a senior who was given a Mercedes by her parents. What the heck does she have to look forward to? What guy could ever give her more starting out in life? So do they turn to drugs and alcohol or kinky stuff to catch a thrill cuz they are alredy bored at 18? Maybe not, but I am glad I can't give my kids all that stuff. They have plenty as it is.

I told my son I really didn't want to be his keeper forever, and that I too looked forward to some more personal time in the future for things I wanted to explore. And I explained that now was the time I was raising him and as he got older and proved to be trustworthy he would get more and more privlidges, which he has. He still has boundries, and cannot stay out to all hours like some kids do. But he has more freedom than I had at 17 but it's in the right perspective for his age.

My daughter is pretty good, she is 15. We have a pretty solid relationship. She gets pissy every once in a while, but compared to me and my husband my kids are saints. I was very close with my parents, but I was a nasty brat verbally for a while. I remember hating them (but not really, I just resented not being able to be a wild child) and wishing I could just do my own thing. Well, thank goodness I had a lot of morals and what not instilled in me by my parents because as much as I wanted to be a wild child, I was never willing to do some of the things asked because deep down inside I never wanted to hurt my parents or disappoint them let alone feel ashamed of myself. I was cool on the outside and a geek on the inside!

I have to now make my daughter come to some things. she tells me she does not want to go and keep company with old people. Ha ha ha.......oh well. I have a reply for that TUFF.

I have been told it is natural and necessary for teens to get feeling to break away from their families. If they did not get these natural feelings they would have never wanted to go off to another cave with a mate and leave their families in the cave man days. So that is why they get these feelings. How could we get them to go to college or go off into the world as an adult if they wanted to be connected by the umbical cord? so it it natural, but Holy Hell, it isn't easy for the parents because they are still kids, and I think they get these urges way too early and too too strong!

We did it to our parents, so just try and think back and sometimes give them space and other times lay down the law. I tell my daughter when I think she is being a little brat and I also praise her when she is being mature.

But hold that thought, I think my little one is going to be the one that is the handful! Please help me out in a year or two when I am asking for advise with him! HA!

One last thought. I had a lot of trouble with my daughter once I bought her a laptop for here 8th grade graduation. I also tried texting for a month and I found that the two isolated her more and she was withdrawing from me and the family more than I liked.

As God would have it, her computer fried up :) and I just plain refused to buy another one or get it fixed for a large chunk of change. I had a reason to get rid of the texting and I have to tell you, her whole demeanor has changed for the better since the electronic gadgets are gone. I flat out told her forget another laptop and when she can buy her own phone after HS she can have texting.

It did make a huge difference. Yet my son has both and he is a great kid. go figure?

Hello,

I can really relate to what you are going through! My daughter is now 16 and I am really going through it with her. When she was 13 she was pretty much acting the same as your 13 year old. She started getting into trouble at school and being disrespectful at home. It had even resulted into violence between her and I and even her little brother. I am a single mother with her (now 16), my son that is 12 and my baby girl who is 3. When I started demanding a certain behavior from her, she started running away with this girl from New Orleans and sneaking out windows. Eventually her behavior landed her in a boot camp and she spent almost a year there. She did good for a while once released and then she ran away again. Now she has been missing since June 2008. Really now days, you don't know what to do with these teens. They are so out of control. But we (parents) are trying to protect them and that is not what they want.

We (parents) get no help from authorities they only tell us that it is a discipline problem that we have to handle. I was seeking assistance for her before it got this far. I do wish you the best with your daughter and hope things turn out better.

Sounds like you have a teenager on your hands!! My kids are still little, but I VIVIDLY remember my teen years. Both my parents embarrassed me, I hated having my little sister tag along with me, and my older sister had started college, then got pregnant and got married, so she had her own family to take care of. My mom would try to give me advice on stuff and I HATED it, I would roll my eyes and sigh. I never wanted to do things with my parents, like go to the movies or something, hated going out to eat with them, and when they forced me to go to someones's house for dinner or something, it was torture. Don't get me wrong, I knew I loved my family, but wanted to do my own thing, hang out with my friends. In hindsight, there are still some things that I look back on and say "Yeah, I'd still be pissed even if they tried that today." But many of the things I realize that they were doing their job as parents. As a kid/teen, you oftentimes don't realize what's going on around you because you're so self-centered. It's a parent's job to enlighten you on the big picture of life, a little bit at a time. My oldest is 8 and he's already starting with "You just don't know", and I have to hold back a smile because I'm thinking to myself how much I want to tell him what I tried to pull as a kid. So my advice to you is to ride it out, do the best you can, love her even more, and hope that eventually some of your nuggets of wisdom make their way through the thick curtain of teenagerdom into her heart.

D.,
We are going through this right now with my step daughter who is 13 and will be 14 in Dec. She informed us that she does not want to come over as much due to *being busy* with softball and with friends. We at first were going to leave it up to her when to come over but decided that we are the adults and want to see her. We explained that we love her and only get to see her e/o weekend as it is plus she has a younger step brother that adores her and it wouldn't be fair to him not to see her. She ended up crying and telling us the underlying issue she was having. She felt like we did not want her here and that she never gets time alone with her Dad (he works 3 sat's a month). So we are adjusting our schedule so we can spend more time with her when she is here and we reassured her that we DO WANT her here and that we love her. So we have to give a little extra so her feelings are taken into consideration. I think most teens go through this stage as they are becoming more involved in hanging out with friends and doing things that are *cool* with them instead of family. I would sit your daughter down and have a family meeting and get to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is feeling.
Good luck
Christina

I just saw your post. I was a teenager that didn't want to be home much. I was a good kid, made good grades, and loved my family. I just preferred to be with my friends. This is the nature of being a teen. My mom griped at me a lot about being gone too much and that only made me want to be gone more. There was no "hanging out" permitted. If I was gone it was for a noble cause (basketball practice or games, working, youth group activities with my church) If there was a family dinner I would be there. It is reasonable to have some expectations of ones teen to be at organized family gatherings. Saying one hates one's family is a little extreme. I think you are on the right track giving her lots of love. That will go a long way. Give her some boundaries too. She won't see it now but boundaries=love and learning the world doesn't revolve around her wishes is a good life lesson.

Well, she sounds like a pretty typical teenager......with that being said, she needs her own space, but I agree she needs to be part of the family also. Make a list of rules that give to each of you, - a compromise. She can go out two days, stay home two days. Tell her she must participate with family dinners, because family is important. She may not like it right away, but she may be surprised to learn that once she is forced to do something she does have fun at it - she won't admit this to you of course! Good Luck.

She is going thru a faze that all teens go thru. She will get over it but you keep demanding that she do things with the family. At thirteen she may think she knows it all but as adults we have to remember that teens dont know it all and wont even begin to get a clue to they hit at the very least 18+. I'm sure that all of us at one time in our young lives thought that what our parent(s) said was so ridulous and now that we are older we realize "how naive I was then". You keep on being Mom and holding her to the family she will apprecitate it someday.

It's not unusual for teens at that age to want to be separate from the rest of the family. Kids run the whole spectrum of wanting to be independent, and wanting to still cling. My youngest is 13, and still holds my hand in public, which amazes me, but her oldest sibling at 13 refused to even be hugged good-night. She was VERY independent and "made family" of her friends, but shunned us.

she did, however, go out to eat with us, cuz it was much better than eating at home. She was very social.

That said, I think you're better off not threatening. (IF you don't go with us, you can't go every night during the week -- what is a kid doing going out EVERY night during the week, anyway?)

As our kids get older, we have to give them a longer leash, and expect that they will use it. My 15 yr old is a reader, so she tends to come home a read, or get online and e-mail her friends from her old school (she changed districts for high school). The 13 yr old will go to the computer room and work on stories she's writing. Somethimes they chat with me and sometimes they don't, other than reporting that they are home.

I think the key to getting support for family activities is to talk about expectations. If you have stuff planned, like going to someone's house for dinner, or something, and you want her to be there, I would give her a week's notice. Maybe on the weekends, at mealtime you could do a "calendar thing" -- get it out and see what's going on this week. I wouldn't expect her to do everything with you, but if there are some things she needs to do for politeness sake, then you can say, "we are going out to eat on Wednesday, and you can come or not come. And on Friday, we've all been invited to the ___'s house for dinner, and we are going to be polite and ALL go." Pick your battles. And sometimes it's better to leave your teen home than it is to put up with sulking behavior in public. Give her choices on the things that don't matter, but don't "invite" her to the ones that do - - tell her We are going as a family, and give her time to prepare herself mentally for the event. Don't wait until the last minute to spring it on her.

Our church's youth group is into their big fund raiser right now, which is making pumpkin rolls, taking orders and selling them. Both girls have signed up for times to go to church to make the pumpkin rolls. (They sell around 500 fo them) We had a date to go over to have supper with some friends and it was on the calendar. Both girls were making pumpkin rolls on Thurs. night, and when Friday came along, the 15 yr old said, "I signed up to do pumpkin rolls tonight." My response? The evening agenda was already on the calendar. (i.e., not my fault, you have to come to dinner). She came, and after supper wasn't much fun to be around, so I said, "Would you rather be making pumpking rolls?" She LEAPT at the opportunity to leave the family and the retired couple we were visiting, and my husband asked the 13 yr old if she wanted to go or not. Her response was an enthusiastic, "heck, no! I want to stay and play games!" She stayed and we had a great time playing card games. What was really nice, was that this particular couple understood that kind of thing, and we are close enough to them that we knew it was okay to take the older girl to church (basically around the block), then start the card games when Dad got back. It was a win/win.

I also wonder about her fatigue level. If she's running track daily, and out every night of the week, does she have the energy to be emotionally interactive with the family ? Kids work really hard all day long to fit in at school, and sometimes there is just "nothing left" when they get home. So you get the leftovers. You get the frustration and the angst and sometimes very little of the "good stuff". So some of that is very very normal.

But pay attention to your daughter, watch her at her meets, and get acquainted with her friends and be sure she is fitting in and acting normally when around them. If she's struggling with self-esteem issues, you want to be aware, and to encourage her (not that you wouldn't want to anyway), and if it's more serious, and she's struggling with depression, you want to catch that one ASAP. Better to get help early on than to have her turn to the drugs she'll find at school that will help to ease the depression, and then get her hooked on them.

Honestly, I just reread your comments about your daughter: she's a good kid, an A student, and athletic. An A student usually has a good mind, and a mind of her own now that she's 13. Try to get her to talk with you, to share her world. Have her invite friends over, or if you go to the school football games, ask her if she'd like to bring a friend along with the family. Be sure she knows it's OKAY to be 13, and to have interests outside the sphere of family life. Highlight the positive, and try to see the family gatherings as she would see them. Who else is there? Is there ANYONE there that she enjoys being with ? Maybe there are good reasons she dosn't want to be there. And draw your line in the sand. Let her win on some things, and cash in on those times so you win on the things that really matter to you. (give and take -- it's all part of family life)

she's your oldest, and it's uncharted territory. Don't be afraid to let her grow up -- try to grow up with her, remembering what you felt like at 13. She's beginning to be independent, and when she's an adult, you will want her to be fully capable of being that -- so you have to let some of the boundaries go so she can grow, but you also have to control which boundaries she can push, because you are still the parent and want to keep her safe, and teach her responsibility.

Good luck, Mom ! The teenage years are REALLY FUN -- honestly. I loved 'em when my adults were teens, and I'm enjoying them now again, with my 13 and 15. They are challenging to be sure, but they can be great fun as well.

:-)

think this is commom..i also have 13 yo give her space and include her always ..force the issue on big events

Hi D., Welcome to my world! I have three girls, two of which are teens. We went though this with our oldest and now that she is slowly "comming out" of it, our middle one is going into this stage. All I can tell you is to try not to take it too personally, and work on keeping her in touch with the family. Don't allow her to have food or beverages in her room, she has to join you for nightly family dinners. Make sure she has a chore that involves being around the main family areas of the house. Don't let her stay in her room for hours on end, limit her use of the phone or cell phone in her room, and no computer in her room. Pull her out into the family areas with the family as often as you can or are willing to fight for. It is hard, but it does pay off. If you let her isolate herself you are asking for bigger issues in the long run. You can't make her enjoy it, or be more than polite, but as you keep at it she will eventually "get over herself" and join in willingly! It does take a while! Teen girls tend to be very moody and think their families are "stupid and lame". It's funny in a way that many of our daughter's friends think we are "cool" and nice and like being in our house, unlike our daughters! LOL You just have to laugh sometimes! Hang in there, this stage will pass just like the terriable twos! Best wishes.

The only thing I can think of right now is that she is at that phase where she only wants to be with her friends. I don't think it has anything to do with you guys and sometimes it's okay to not let her go but she cannot avoid her family all together and that should be reinforced. When I was a teenager, it was okay sometimes to go do something with my friends and other times I went to family functions(even though I didn't always feel like it). Eventually it will change but also, have you tried asking her why she doesn't want to do anything with the family? I would try and talk to her but don't get upset if you do not get too much out of her. Just keep trying. Oh the days of teenage angst. Good luck.

Is there an y chance she has an eating disorder? If she is losing weight, I'd be sure to take her to her doctor to rule this out.

I remember it well...only it was me! I really think most girls go through a stage like this. It's that in between stage that is rough. They have gone through puberty and feel more grown up yet really they are not old enough to be doing all the things 16 and 17 year olds do. I remember I couldn't wait to grow up! Definately give space...but not TOO much. Still require her to do some family things. Maybe even let her pick something for the family to do together. You don't want to allow her to isolate herself. I remember not being allowed to keep my door shut all the time when I was that age. Does she have friends come over? This way...she can have some social fun and realize that maybe being at home can be fun sometimes. Order them a pizza and let them rent a movie...
Just some suggestions. But I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure it's frustrating......growing pains! I grew up to be best friends with my Mom...we do grow out of it. Good luck.

I think it is typical 13 year old girl behavior. BUT that doesn't mean she gets to do what she wants all the time. Still set up expectations about chores, schoolwork, etc and make sure she does it. I think it's reasonable to expect her to go to a family dinner with her cousins so I would make her go as well. Also, set up a schedule for her "social life" and stick to that as well. Why is a 13 yo allowed to go "out" every night of the week? I think that's crazy. Let her set up stuff to do on weekends--I think that's enough.
I think at this age the usual stuff would be "no friends over when she's there alone", "call me when you get to XYZ" etc. This is a tricky age when kids start doing a LOT of experimenting with all kinds of stuff. I don't think you can be too snoopy or interested in what she's doing!
Good luck to you!

I have one of then except she is 15 and i think all teens go through it i remember when i did it. We make her go with us because some day she will realize that it was not taht bad. So we make her go with us.
Jade

Hi D., sounds exactly like my daughter who is 14. I too let her go out and sleep out every weekend, weekdays she is usually home due to there are no kids she does or is allowed to hang out with in our neighborhood. So when she is here she is in her room on the computer or downstairs on ours or watching tv etc... OH OR TEXTING!!!! She too does not like to be home she say's "IT"S GAY HERE"!!! She also say's it's boring!! She too does not like to go to family get togethers cause again they r boring! So i pick which ones i feel r important for her to be at ex..cousins b-day's, a couple bar-b-ques in the summer, weddings, and holidays! Some i don't make her come too just depends! I too want her to learn, make mistakes so she can learn by them or know what the consequences will be etc... but also don't want her to make mistakes LOL!!! It's hard but they have to find themselves and we can't lock them in the basement for 4 or 5 more years. I believe it is normal teenage stuff and i believe we have to let them be them (to a certain extent)and i believe they need structure. Make sure she has a chore to do every other day, homework first before going out or texting or computer etc... and allow her to skip the family functions you don't feel she needs to be at. I just made my daughter go to the pumpkin patch with me and her siblings (she is the oldest)she said it was gay but i wanted to get pics of them in the the pumpkin patch. Also make sure she is not smoking, doing drugs or drinking! I tested my daughter just make sure her attitude change isn't due to drugs or alcohol and thank god it was clear!! Not saying it is because of that but she should be talked to about it and if u feel the need to then you should test her!good luck!