Hi Ladies-
I have been reading and responding at mamasource for sometime now, and now I need your help!
How to summarize the last five years?!
I am the mom of two wonderful boys, ages 4 and 10 months. I live with their father, who I have been with for eight years. His 15 years old daughter has lived with us for five years. Her mother lives in another state and she visits her 7-8 weeks a year. We have struggled with her in many areas for the entire time she has been with us. She has had an unstable childhood, but has been well loved and supported for the entire time she has been with us. We have always made sure she had a therapist to work out her childhood issues and the stresses of her mom living in another state. School has always been difficult, but when she really applies herself she is a B student. This last year (9th grade) has been horrible. She refuses to participate in gym and is failing, she is also failing 3 main subjects. Her report cards and 5 week updates have comments like; need to study harder, is missing assignments, has zero's for not handing in work. Basically lack of effort, not inablility to do the work. Bottom line is she always says she will try harder and her father says he will stay on top of her and help push her. Neither of these two things ever happen. The only time he and I fight is over her. I have cried wolf and threatened to leave, but have not. We have tried everything with her, she just doesn't seem to care. Ladies I need help, I want to leave, I am not happy, my home is not happy. I am scared, and don't want my boys to be without their dad, but the environment they are in is not good for them. HELP........
Ladies-
I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond. As I said in my request, this was my first time, and I learned that you have take the time to tell the whole story. I was trying to summarize and I apparently left out some important info in the scheme of things.
First, my step daughter is in therapy, always has been, and her Dad and I are as well when we can afford it, she comes first. I do contact her teachers weekly, and speak with her guidance counselor at least once a month. I am very active in her schooling. She has been tested for ADD and is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation that I arranged through our local mental health. I have tried everything I could think of to help her or find out what is going on. Her Dad of course supports all my ideas, but in all honesty I am the one who arranges these things.
We have tried the usual teenage punishments, and nothing seems to make a difference. She tries for a couple of weeks at school then that is it. This is why I finally posted to mamasource. I was hoping to receive new and different suggestions, which I did, thank you all again.
Anyway, I am just frustrated and have tried with all my heart to make up for the absence of her mom, but there are some days that it all seems impossible to me. I do not hold my children in a better light, and I did not mean to come across that way, my boys often take a back seat to my step daughter. But I still do strongly believe that the boys deserve a happy, healthy environment, that is also my job as a mom. Being a step mom can be a very difficult position to be in, as some of you well know. Keeping a balance is not an easy task. Thanks to you all, T.
Has she been tested for attention deficit? If she has it, she cannot help it and cannot focus without the necessary prescription meds. Just a thought. Looks like you have gotten some other good advice here as well. Best of luck to her and to all of you.
D.
You have known about the existence of this child since she was a little girl and you had children with her father. You have had many years to embrace her in a blended or extended family. People often have difficulty with their teenage children. She doesn't owe it you to do well in life. Maybe family counseling is in order.
T., please try not to see this as critisim, but I find your personal information very revealing: "A working mom with 2 beautiful boys".
You are a working mom with 2 beautiful boys and a beautiful daughter. Have you really opened your heart to this child as well as your home? Does she hear you arguing with her father about her? Is she feeling rejected and angry, a second-class citizen with respect to her half-brothers?
Perhaps you need to consider speaking with a therapist yourself to figure out what your role is and what you want it to be. None of this is easy. It can be a hard, painful struggle. But if what you want is the joy back in your home, then you need to take action. The only person in this equation you have any real power over is yourself. Make sure that whatever happens, you can honestly say you gave it your very all.
I don't have a teenaged step daughter, but I do have a teenaged daughter who will be 16 this June and she had to go live in another state with her dad b/c she was failing pretty much all her subjects in school (9th grade) and she wanted to hang out with kids who were not motivated about anything except parties, music, sex and clothing. I used to go up to her school all the time; her teachers as well as the guidance staff and the asst. principal all knew me on a first name basis. I tracked her attendance, had her go thru an intervention counseling program, and even had her in extra curricular activities. I laid out rules for my home and when she continually broke them, her dad and I agreed that a different environment would be worth a try. She's been doing much better in her new school, although we have some ways to go. Now she's in an environment where she doesn't have as much freedom, but it has helped her to focus more on her academics as well as her issues. With all this stated here, I can kind of relate to how you're feeling, and I was dealing with all of it by myself, with no help from anyone, plus I have other children at home. My daughter and I though had a close relationship, despite all the things I've written here. Teenagers can be very complex; they're caught between childhood and adulthood, so we tend to expect so much from them. I encourage you to get family counseling for ALL of you, not to exclude this young lady b/c she needs love and support, and talk with her as much as possible. Find out what she likes, what motivates her, etc. Believe me, it is not an easy task, but it is worth the try. She will change as she matures and feels more confident in herself. Maybe an alternative education program with smaller classes would be helpful to her right now. Explore your options and get all the support you can. Communicate with her mom about what you all can do, if you're able to talk to her. I wish you all the best and I know it will get better. Take care.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds like there are two separate issues here and they are making eachother worse- the first being your stepdaughter's lack of respect for your expectations and the second being your husband's inability to parent his daughter.
When you say that you are unhappy, do you mean that you are unhappy with your decision to be with your husband or are you unhappy with the current situation? If it is the first, then maybe you should consider a short-term separation and see if it makes a difference. If it is the second, then some drastic changes need to be made.
I will preface my suggestion with the fact that I am a child psychologist and a behaviorist meaning that I believe strongly that significant behavioral change comes about only through significant changes in the way you deal with the individual.
If I were you, here is what I would do (you may have already done so):
1. Write out your expectations (reasonable) for your stepdaughter. If she is capable of "B" work, then expect "B" work from her. This should also include your expectations surrounding effort and homework completion.
2. Next to each expectation, write what the consequence will be if the expectation is not met as well as the reinforcement for compliance. For example...
Expectation: Homework will be completed before dinner each night for three continuous nights.
Consequence: Cell phone gone for 2 days
Reinforcement: whatever she enjoys... $$, extra texting minutes, whatever
3. Meet with the teachers to express to them your support for them and your child and come up with an easy way for them to keep you in the loop. For many teachers, this is email. Just ask them to send you a quick email regarding her effort, work completion, attendance at the end of the week.
4. Have a meeting with your daughter, husband and yourself-no little ones. Discuss this plan and the need for it. Be honest with both of them. Tell them that their lack of respect (b/c this is what it is) for you and the little ones is not acceptable and that it needs to get better. DO NOT THREATEN TO LEAVE unless you mean it- they know you won't and neither take you seriously.
Her early childhood may have been quite challenging, but this cannot become her life-long crutch and it will not be an accepted excuse later in life. She needs to learn new behaviors while she still has the support of your family. She will be "on her own" in a few years and a lack of respect for expectations will not serve her well.
If you don't want to take this on yourself, then get the therapist involved to help you. Make it clear that there will be no more "promises" only genuine effort. Anything less will result in mom and the little ones finding a healthier place to live.
Good luck- this is a really tough one.
T.,
You're being a little overdramtic and I said this kindly.
I think you need to take a step back a little in this situation and not run to the divoice court because you step-daughter is failing her grades.
It is an issue and a very important issue, but do you really want to seperate or pretend to leave over this?
No? Ok. This is between your husband and his ex-wife.
In the end its the girls life and if she wants to ruin it
she can. But the both of you can make it tough for her in your home. If he refuses to set boundries than it is time for her mother to get involve. If her mother and your husband do not want to take action. Your action becomes non-action. Take care of your sons.
Good Luck
I have had teen daughters and I feel your pain, my first one hit 14 and became a nightmare. Here's how we coped: First, family counseling is very important because it teaches all of you to speak and listen to one another. Also, our counselor taught us appropriate punishments for a teenager. Secondly, a teen is not too young to realize that you have to work to earn things (or the money to buy them). Take away her stuff. If she is not "working" ie doing her school work then no ipod, no cell phone, no TV, no computer except for school work. Be "mean" about it and stand your ground. But, the counseling should come first because you and your husband MUST work as a team or she will play both of you like a piano (teens are good at that). Oh.. find a good hairdress because your grays will start popping in too!! LOL! Good luck, it isn't easy but you can get her straightened around and have your peaceful home back. We did.
Call me...seriously anytime.....email me and I will send my phone number......CALL ME!!!!!! I must start by saying I have read the responses and I would like to respectfully say to Sarah S - you have no idea how hard it is to be a step-mother unless you are one. I don't believe that you should advise someone on a situation if you don't have any experience - you wouldn't perform brain surgery if you weren't a brain surgeon. I am not T. and I was shocked at your opinion and I truly must disagree. I have a 13 soon to be 14 year old step-daughter - a 12 year old step son and two little girls of my own that are 5 and 2. My husband and I went through a 6 month period preparing for a divorce which thankfully didn't happen. We have had his children with us since September 2001.....it has been very hard on our marriage and on MY little ones. My step-children have only seen their mother 4 or 5 times in the past 9 years and most of those visits were for long weekends some were for a day. They both call me Mom and my son treats me as if I am his Mom and my daughter hates me. Until you have walked in the shoes of a step-mother raising someone elses daughter I don't think you could ever understand how we as step-mothers feel. With that being said - we also don't understand how the step-daughters feel. As a mother in general you need to have control of your children - who must respect you and honor the rules of the house. I must say, T., I am jealous that you get 7-8 weeks alone.....LOL We have been through bad grades - I hate you's - suicide watches and the drama just gets better all the time. She has been in therapy since 2001 - but it doesn't matter. We have her with a great therapist now and I believe we are really starting to resolve issues. My husband and I are a force to be reckoned with - we stand united on all fronts when it comes to her - he tells her no to every request and then I get to be the hero and tell her yes - which helps.....when it comes to school work - she is the same - my husband says he is going to be on top of her and call the homework hotline everyday but he never does - I have explained this to her - but really and truly - there is nothing like talking to someone who is experiencing the exact same things you are......it will make you feel so not alone and will most definitely improve your relationship with your husband. We did some therapy ourselves to learn how to be more effective parents in a blended family (hence the united front and the hero job being mine).....There mom lives across the country...barely calls and barely bothers - oh and she has two more children.....please email me and I will give you my phone number - CALL ME.....we can trade war stories.....Hold your head up - it does get better - then worse - then better - then worse.....LOL
On the school-end of things... involve the school. I am a 9th grade teacher myself. The kids who are failing and then turn it around are the ones whose parents are in constant communication with the teachers. Request a conference with all of her teachers and have her sit in on the meeting too. The guidance counselor should be there and maybe the principal too. It depends on the school I guess. But this is how they do it at my school. The teachers go around and discuss how she is doing and what they need her to do for a better grade. Together, you and the teachers and her come up with a plan of action. Then you and the teachers can email back and forth about whether she is keeping her end of the deal. For school performance this REALLY works. The only time it doesn't work is when the parents get lazy after the meeting. They figure the job is done and when I contact them to say the kid is slacking off again, they don't do anything about it. But if you and your husband stay on top of things, it really works to get everyone involved.
I know your situation runs much deeper than school... perhaps family counseling can help with some other issues. But request a conference at her school. Having all her teachers in a room discussing her performance will have a huge impact on her.
First of all lets start with the idle threats. NEVER make threats you are not going to go thru with. To your step daughter, children or husband. If you say it, be prepared to do it! No matter how hard it may be!
Second, as for your step daughters school work. Have your husband check her homework everyday to see that it has been done. Make it his job! And don't take the excuse she doesn't have any homework that day for an excuse. If you have to, have the teachers email, call, text or somehow give you a list of what homework she has each day/week. Most teachers make a schedule weeks ahead of time what homework they are going to assign. Some schools have websites that list what homework is assigned each day also. If her homework is not done, then you and your husband will have to decide on her punishment together. Do this ahead of time and warn her about it so she is not surprised when the punishment is given. This may motivate her to get it done and let her know she is basically in control of whether she gets punished or not. And enforce the punishment no matter how much she protest! This is important!
The important thing to remember is 9th grade is tough! She is in the lowest class in the school! She has to contend with that. Last year when she was in middle school she was in the highest class. Someone all the lower classmates looked up to. It's a BIG transition. And she is also at a very difficult age. Not a kid, not an adult! A time in our lives most of us would really like to skip. All of this combined can be hard on anyone!
Good luck. All of you (you, your husband, your step daughter) are going to need it to get thru this. But you can do it, all of us with older children did!
No where does T. say husband, or stepdaughter. Therefore I am assuming she lives with her son's father and they are not married. That would make this situation even more difficult. My friend (Ann) was in the same situation. She raised her husband's daughter for 10 years before they were married. There was alot of resentment towards Ann from the child. She would constantly say things like "you're not my mother so don't try to act like you are.", "you're not even married to my father so what gives you the right to tell me what to do" and so on. There were also the "I hope you die", "I hope you fall down the flight of stairs", "If I saw you bleeding I would walk right by you", etc.... I should mention that Ann was the only mother figure in her life from the time she was 2 years old. It is not an easy road, but you must stand as a united front. Her father needs to be on the forefront with you as backup support. Once Ann and her husband established that HE would be the primary homework checker, everything began to turn around. It was a long and difficult process, but worth it in the end.
Are you available more than Dad and attempting to help her at all? Can you get someone to watch your two boys in the home while you work with her twice a week exclusively or get her a tutor 2 times a week to help her focus so as sometimes teens do not want to listen to a parent (or step parent). Then just make sure that she is in a common area (kitchen or something) the other evenings for an hour or two working on homework, while having your boys play or do quite crafts?
This is a difficult age for ANY child growing up, especially a girl away from her mother. Do you spend quality (mom and daughter) time with her.
If your step daughters schooling and her father's lack of help for her is truly the ONLY thing that you fight about, then it sounds like you guys are pretty well off and you just have to find a way fix that situation. Otherwise it seems that you are just using this as an excuse to leave.
Hi T.,
I totally feel for you. I have three step kids who are younger than 15, and thankfully don't live with us full time, but still give me heartburn at times. Why doesn't the girl live with her mother? Did the mother make the decision to leave her with her dad? Is the dad too lenient? How does the girl feel towards you and towards her mom?
Not knowing you or her it seems there are some typical issues:(1) her being a teen (2) she's jealous of her dad's new family and is looking for his attention. Have anyone asked her what her issues/problems are? Maybe she's involved with the wrong crowd at school or maybe she's at that age of being a typical teenage girl. Regardless, she's not your child and I agree that it's impacting your boys negatively, especially at such a young age. Would her father consider sending her back to her mom for a while? Are there consequences to her actions? If her father is too lenient then no amount of therapy will help, and you have to make the decision of what's best for you and your boys. Maybe you can threaten to leave or actually leave for a few days and stay with relatives or friends to show the father that action must be taken and he must think about how his daughters behavior is impacting his entire family. It's an extremely hard thing to do and I realize that, but your other option is to be miserable and angry for years to come. Maybe it's also wise for you to go and speak with a counselor and seek advice. Dealing with teens that are your own is hard enough, but dealing with troubled teens that are not must be unbearable. If the father doesn't take action and it's hurting you in the process then maybe it's time to take short or a long break from each other and re-evaluate what's happening and how to make things better or end it.
If you already tried talking and reasoning with her to no avail you may also think about talking to her mom (regardless if you two are civil or not) and fill her in on what's happening with her child (mother to mother talk). Even if the father spoke to the mother already, I can practically guarantee that the message was not conveyed in the way that it should be. If she's a decent person then she needs to know what's going on with her child, and maybe she can help.
Good Luck to you
T.,
This sounds short, and looks short, but really, I am up against the end of a nap. So know I am thinking of you and hoping you are able to sort this out.
I am assuming you're married. If all you ever argue over is your step daughter - be thankful.
You will have to be the MOM of two beautiful boys and be patient, decisive and a few other adjectives that describe a MOM, and LET GO of your step-daughter's grades. You will also have to teach your sons right from wrong. Learn how to do so with tact and finesse, and you will have two sons who will know how to handle themselves in the future.
Just let her go. You cannot control her. You can't make her WANT to get good grades, please her dad, or anything else. I'm not telling you to not stress the importance of grades in society, just don't yell at her to get better ones. If she has been failing, it isn't going to come up over night - and she may be overwhelmed by the task of not just doing better, but erasing the past. Which is impossible.
You CAN, however, help open her eyes.
Let her see what good grades can get you - and bad grades too.
Find out why she is not pushing herself, ask to be included in on therapy (if you can).
Maybe she wants to live with her Mom, and doesn't know it or won't tell.
Maybe a lot of things.
I wish you luck, and hope you get a lot more ideas that work for you. I know this works, but it takes a lot of energy on your part.
Oh, and you are going to have to start being the other half of a couple. You include his daughter in your family and she is under your roof. You are her Mom away from Mom. She needs something - and finding out what it is is going to be rough, unless you take this situation with grace and run with it.
prayers for your daughter, and hope you let me know how things go,
M.
Hi T.,
You have received a lot of good advice, and some not so good...I happen to think what you're looking for is somebody on your side who says "it's ok to feel that way, and it is justified!" I'm here to do that!! I have a very similar situation with so many twists and turns, it would make even Dr. Phil drop his jaw. The bottom line is that your kids need you to be the best that you can be for them. They need a happy, healthy home to grow up in...they need to feel secure and safe in their own home. It's your job as their mother to provide all of that for them. Life is way too short to live unhappily ever after!
You have 2 beautiful boys and one ugly daughter? 2 smart boys and one stupid daughter? Or dont you consider her your daughter at all? I'm sorry to sound so mean, but this is how your post sounds. I think you resent this girl living with you and she senses this. So in order to get the attention that all kids crave she is misbehaving. Why are you leaving it up to her father to stay on top of her?
I have been a step mom and a foster mom and I know how difficult it is for kids to be abandoned by their parent. This little girl seems to be searching for a mom that will step up and take control. As much as she claims she hates the control and you. Tell the father of your 2 beautiful boys to take them to the park or for a walk after dinner and you sit with your daughter and do homework. While you are doing this talk to her about her friends, boys, makeup, bands, movies....whatever... to make the time a pleasant one. A few times a month leave the boys home and take her out to lunch and do something girly with her. Treat her special and dont compare her with her brothers, who are perfect in her eyes. Dont fight with her about her school work at this point, because if she isnt passing now, its probably too late and she will have to repeat some subjects next year. The important thing is to show her love and concern and make her part of your HEART.
Dear T.,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can only offer you some resources to try, because it is a lot to deal with in a short post. There are some great resources that have helped our children (also a blended family), but if you and your husband are not "together" on this stuff, non of it will help.
If you aret thinking about leaving your husband I would check out www.retrouvaille.org right now and get there with your husband. It is a Catholic ministry. I am not Catholic, but they don't force their religion on you, but it is amazing how they teach you how to work together.
For your step-daugter you can try "THe Total Transformation." If both you and your husband use it, it will work. Also there is an author that has some books that I think might be helpful his name is Dr. Kevin Leman. Look up his books. He has books on blended families and troubled kids.
If you work on your relationship with your husband FIRST, the other things will fall into place. Maybe not so easily, but the other way around won't work at all.
Hope some of this helps.
Blessings,
T. E
www.LiveWellShopSmart.com
www.LovinLifeWithHomeBiz.com
Hi T.,
You have gotten some very good responses so far, but none has addressed the one issue that stuck in my mind-- your threats to leave. First, let me say that threatening to leave is never a good idea unless you really truly mean it. Second, I would ask you to consider if this is truly something you want to do, leaving is not a solution to her slacking off in school, nor is it beneficial to ALL involved (your husband, your sons, your step-daughter and yourself). That being said, I suggest you further consider the impact it will have on her in the long-term. For all intents and purposes, her mom has left her and now when she isn't doing as expected her step-mom leaves as well.
I hear that you are struggling with this issue, education is probably valuable to you and you feel it comes first, as my mom did. However, please remember this child has gone through a lot, is still going through a lot. She is a teenager, on top of normal teenage anxiety parts of her history are negative. Follow some of the other advice you received and just try to be there for her, her poor grades may well be a symptom of the problem.
If there are further issues with the father and the family dynamic you chose not to address here and you do decide to leave, please sit her down and explain to her that her poor grades are not the reason you chose to leave.
No matter what you do, put God first place and it will all work out.
Be Well
R.
You might have to try to convince your husband to set aside time with you and your stepdaughter for quite time every night. That means no TV, radio, or video games for anyone. The entire family is to sit down at that time and do educational things...Daughter - homework/study, Mom and Dad - reading/study support. You could even set an example by trying to learn a language online at a free language site or vocabulary site.
Another thing to keep in mind that there might be something more your stepdaughter isn't telling you. You might want to seek couseling for her to find out what is really going on.
Well it sounds to me like she may need something in her life to give her a boost! My whole life growing up I did not do well in school. I always was a C,B student.I studied so hard! My parents soon realized that my strengths were not in academics but in my hands. Unfortunately socity as a whole teaches us from kindergarten til 12th grade that if you do well in math, spelling, history, etc. that that's what makes you smart and you will be successful in life. The truth is, a person who is smart with their hands is as intellgent as the next. Schools don't emphasize that enough. If we had all accountants or lawyers in the world there wouldn't be enough positions open. Thank the Lord that we have carpenters, photographers, cake decorators, etc. What if she just needs loving support. Maybe encourage her to seek out what she may love!
T., I believe that things that we go through is to teach us something and I ask God what am I to learn from this? Perhaps to help you understand, threats are not good. You can't just leave and stop everything because it's hard. Lif is not easy and things in our lives aren't easy. Second thing, I believe that you can sit with her and say, "okay, you're failing and you aren't doing your work and you are having a difficult time with changes and your mom living in a different state...what can I do for you? Is there anything I can do for you. Do you want to talk about it and just for me to listen and not say a word about how you're feeling?" You may need to bite your tongue if she says how she feels regardless if it's true or not true about you. You also need to understand that you can talk, not threaten her father and say, look, I'd like to see her do well in school and she doesn't want to talk to me about it maybe you can sit down and talk with her and see what is the problem. He can't have an attitude he is going to push her and that will make her resent him and the schoolwork more. Is there an issue at school that is upsetting her as well. Is there another student that could be making her life miserable? Yes, I understand that her life situation is difficult and no doubt is upsetting her and affecting her, but is there anyone who is sitting with her that is in the family...like you. Ask her if she wants to go shopping just the two of you and hang out for a while on Saturday. Let her know that you would do it and you both can plan what Saturday and what to do that would be fun for both of you. This is the sign that she is really troubled and it will get worst so you see it help her.
First off, 9th grade is a hard transition for teens. There is more peer pressure and more good looking boys/girls.v My oldest three went through those problems too...my 16 year old is still having trouble in 10th grade.
Have you tried grounding her and taking everything away? That works with my 16 year old. He seems to be a pain for the first three days, but ends up doing better in school when he has nothing else to distract him at home.
It is obvious that she is acting out and rebelling due to the distance between her and her mom. This is the age where girls need their mom..but won't admit it. I know you are there for her..let her know you are there. Don't leave because of this. She already feels abandoned.
Have you ever considered that she might have lost her virginity already? I know this sounds strange but I remember how I treated my mom (poorly) at this age due to that. I also remember how my daughter treated me then.
Just some food for thought,
Nanc
I don't really have an answer for you but just wanted to know that you are not alone. I have many of the same problems that you do. I have a 14 yr old step daughter, 1 yr old daughter, 4 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old daughter. I too have felt like the only time my husband and I fight are over her. We have tried many things to but she always wants to see things her way. I know alot of it is teenage stuff but the looks, the fact that she does so many of the things we ask her not to do but she says she forgets. She is now living with Grandma (my mother-in-law). 1 week into it and I'm really doubting this decision that we have been thinking about for about 1 yr now. A teenage stepdaughter and a teenage daughter are not at all the same. I agree that no one knows unless they are one. That is why I'm turning here. I feel like I am doubting myself even though I know deep down I treated her like my own. I too get left with most of the planning with her. Keeping track of her schedule and homework. This grandma visit is suppose to give us all time to cool down. Then I do think it's best that my husband take on the wrongs and I get the good or get to tell her Yes! Anyways, I have nothing to tell you that will help! Mostly what probably won't!!! But talking to someone with the same problems feels like a step in the right direction for me. Then we all won't wonder if it is us, or atleast that's what I think to myself sometimes.
There are obviously a lot of issues going on here. Number one of which is the age difference among your children and step-daughter and that her half siblings have a 'family' and she does not.(Mummy absent), you are filling the role of mummy. (resentment issue).
Teens her age do not understand fully the importance of early academic preparation and unfortunately no amount of love or support will bring a turnaround unless she wants it.
I personally suggest counselling to sort out her anger at sharing and possible frustration at not being with her own mother.
Try to ignore as much as possible the 'attention seeking' behaviours of not applying herself at school and tell her that you will always be there to support her even when she is ready to work hard. Don't try to fix her. She needs a neutral party to bare her soul to.
Explain the domestic situation to her teachers and ask about students in similar situations who have had success stories. What turned them around?
J. S
Hi, I have no clue what your gowing through with a step-child, but I am on my way to it, and have no clue how far it will go with her living with us (or visiting) after we marry next year.
I do however, have problems with teenage problems with 2 girls, 16 and almost 18. When my oldest started high school, she turned into a social butterfly, was into sports, but had failing grades. She was on suspension from sports for this, but brought them up slightly about 1/2 way through the year.
Now, in her senior year, I got to know her friends a little bit, and asked one, who I knew had good grades, to tutor her. He did it as a volunteer for the Honor Society, and her grades did come up a little, just below my standards. (I don't like anything under an 80, or no computer, no home phone, no weekends out with friends.)
Can you contact her school and find out if you can set up an arrangement like this? Especially with summer coming, she may be able to catch up on what she may have missed out on during the school year, and get a head start for next year.
Is she into sports, or anything to stay after school for? Let her get into extra carricular activities, then when school starts, tell her that she has to bring/keep her grades up in order to stay on any teams.
But, I would definitely check into tutoring. It may not help any attitude, but should help with grades, even if she doesnt try!
Good luck
I have to agree with *some* of the responses you got so far.
I do agree with Nan.... it sounds like you hold *your* children in a better light than your step daughter. It's really unfair to her.
You might be her 'step' mother...but there should be no 'step' about it. you should treat her as if she were your own daughter.
it does sound as if she feels like she isn't really a part of your family.... she is an outsider who has to live with you for whatever reason...she's not really wanted...etc.
She needs to feel like she is much a part of the family as her two little brothers....and she needs to feel as 'beautiful' to you as they are.
I agree with going to a meeting with the teachers and getting more involved with her school work. If she fails this year, she fails. Just be there for her next year and help her start with a clean slate.
I'm not trying to pick on you by any means, but what you think is 'well loved and supported; probably has different meaning to her. Maybe she feels like she's a burden or that she isn't really wanted.
I would suggest some 'girls day out' times with her...she might be resistant at first but you have to stick with it. She might not even tell you she likes it, even when she does... but stick with it!
When she gets older, she'll realize what you did for her as her mom....and she'll be thankful...it might just take a long time to happen.
BTW, I am a 'step' mom ( I prefer 'Bonus' mom) to two beautiful girls. We've had out differences, but we've gotten through them. I've never treated them any differently than I have the children I have born. When they visit, they are as much a part of the family as the other kids.... so much so, that people usually can't tell which of the kids are 'mine', and which ones aren't.
Same goes for my husband..since he was a 'step' father to my boys..and has since adopted them. He as the only father they really ever knew. He's never been their stepdad...always just their dad.
When our kids introduce us to people....the word 'step' is never used..... unless it's to clarify afterward.
The other thing we never use is 'half' brother/sister. They are all just brothers and sisters... never step, never half.
I believe this gives more validation of being part of the whole family and not a separated part of it.
T.,
I feel for you but I also feel for your step-daughter too. I really dont think shes failing on purpose I think shes failing because she feels neglected from her mother. That itself is a HUGE issue. Arguing and fighting with your husband isnt going to change how her emotions are. I strongly suggest counseling. If not for the family then at least for your husband and your step daughter. If you think about it being a teenager is hard enough but combine those crazy emotions with rejection from a parent. Thats enough to make me "throw in the towel" and not care either.
Since shes in the 9th grade- most HS have direct emails in the classrooms. You can send the teacher an email requesting the "homework" or you can talk to her guidence counselor and have he/she create a schedule of assignments for you. Wonder if she can join a group/ sport in school.
My daughters freshman year was a nightmare- but we both got through it..theres a light at the end of the tunnel !!!
I wish you lots of luck and positive thoughts :0)
