Four years ago, my sister-in-law found out her 9th grade daughter Ann was cutting herself. She got Ann the help she needed, but asked me not to tell my daughter, Emily who is a year younger than her. Respecting her privacy was easy with us – we live on the other side of the country. We do see each other at least once a year, but Emily didn’t really need to know that her cousin was diagnosed with clinical depression.
In August, Ann started college in a fun exciting city a good half days drive from home. She liked some parts of college, but the stress of some of the classes was too much for her. In early November she was admitted to the psychiatric ward in a local hospital. After a few days, her mother was able to bring her home. She was able to finish about half of her classes, but had to drop two of them.
We visited the family over Christmas. Emily knows that Ann dropped one course and was looking forward to taking different classes in January.
Ann did not return to college in January. She’s doing a lot of therapy and enrolled in one course at a local college. If Emily paid more attention to her cousin’s facebook she would see that some college friends of Ann’s noticed that she didn’t go back to college.
My s-i-l doesn’t want us to tell Emily what is going on. She thinks that Ann should tell her. I don’t think these two communicate as much as my s-i-l thinks, judging by the fact that Emily hasn’t noticed the other messages on Ann’s facebook.
We are planning a trip to the area in February so Emily can visit some colleges she has been accepted to. She wants to stay Ann at college for a night or two.
What should I do? I think it would be better for everyone if this secret came out in the open.
I think its fine to NOT tell my daughter about the depression and cutting. I told my s-i-l a few weeks ago that its hard to lie about location -- that I thought my daughter should be told that Ann decided to live at home and not go back to college -- for at least this semester -- and that she hopes to go back in the fall. We haven't been given permission to tell her even that. (That's all that Ann admitted on facebook)
I would just tell her she needed a semester off. That's it. If she has
questions, she could ask her cousin. I would not go into it. You think it
would be better if the "secret" came out, but that is not up to you. It is up
to Ann and her family. If Emily asks why, just say you do not know.
I was a cutter. DO NOT tell Emily what is going on without Ann's permission. Cutting is a very personal thing. It's internal pain made external (try reading Reviving Ophelia - a great book on teenage girls).
If anything, tell Ann about Emily's concern. Leave it up to her to disclose as much as she feels is or isn't necessary.
And, leaving it up to Facebook? That isn't healthy or reliable. It's a Social Network. Not therapy. Don't get me wrong - I love the site - but I wouldn't use that as a 'notice' to inform people of my mental state.
Ann is an adult, it is up to her to tell anyone about her illness. Her mother is right. I would stay out of this and let it go. It is simple, you just say that Ann took the semester off, and if Emily sees Ann, you let her decided what to say. Keep your confidences. This just does not seem like a big deal to me, and I would stay out of it.
M.
First let me say congratulations on the fact that your daughter's already been accepted to several different colleges. I am sure you are super proud. This is a very exciting adventure for your daughter and I sure wouldn't want this bit of news to rain on her parade.
IMHO, I would respect your SIL's wishes and not tell your daughter. Obviously this is a painful and difficult time for her and her daughter, why rub salt in a wound? Wouldn't it be better to just say that Ann decided to attend school closer to her home and family?
Stepping out for your daughter will be a scary and stressful time when she goes away to college. It might be upsetting and add unneeded stress on a young mind to hear that her cousin couldn't handle it. Keep her focus and stay positive.
If the girls in the future decide to talk about it, I would let them discuss it on their own terms. That way your name is out of it and it doesn't create drama in your extended family. Good luck.
Okay, I'm sure that you have gotten lots of good responses here, but let me add my own 2 cents:
Mental illness is just that: an illness. If Ann were diagnosed with cancer (heaven forbid), would you keep that a secret?
I think you should tell your sister that it is not fair to either your niece or your daughter to keep this a secret. However, tell your daughter that she is not to bring it up with her cousin unless her cousin brings it up first.
There is mental illness in my family and one of the worst things that happened was NOT talking about it. That doesn't mean it should be gossiped about or the wishes of the person who is suffering shouldn't be taken into consideration. However, it is a disease that is treatable, not a dirty laundry, so to speak.
.
Hi there,
This is in part a maturity judgement but I see no reason that you shouldn't be open with your daughter. If she finds out from someone else so long after the fact (and maybe even when you tell her now) it may weaken your credibility in her eyes - in terms of how much trust you have in her. There is no reason that you need to get your sister's permission or even let her know that you spoke of this with your daughter. Just let your daughter know that you wanted her to be aware but to let her cousin lead in terms of whether she wants to share it directly with your daughter and so forth. You are doing the right thing in being open with your daughter.
I hope this helps!
N.
Well if your sister doesn't want you to tell your daughter you have to respect her wishes. Just tell Emily that Ann decided to put this semester on hold so she isn't boarding at school right now. If she asks more just say I think college was a little overwhelming for her this year and move on. You said yourself, that your daughter seems like she doesn't notice the FB comments and doesn't see her cuz that often. Bottom line it's Ann's privacy at risk here and her decision to reveal.
Could you ask your SIL if she could please ask Ann if it would be ok to now tell Emily her beloved cousin has been suffering with depression?
Maybe that will give you a better perspective.
Depression is an illness just like Cancer, but in our society, so many people act like it is a weakness in personality, so it is something to be ashamed of..
We now know it is an actual Physiological change to the brain and not that unusual. There is no need for secrets between these cousins, it could be that the Aunt is the one that is having and feeling the shame..
But at this point this is their right to ask that you not share it.
One thing my daughter has taught me, is how to keep a secret. She is the best secret keeper. If you tell her something private it is never shared. I admire that part of her. (of course if it is dangerous secret.... that is a different story).
I think you should have told her from the get go its nothing to hide let your Daughter know you can't Shelter her your whole life in fact we just dealt with that and yes WE AS A FAMILY TALKED about it OUT LOUD and my kids are younger then yours if they know it will help open up to you more hope you talk to her look up cutting and get more info and talk to your Daughter about it help your by talking ABOUT IT and let her know what was going on
D. Momma of 4
C.,
Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. First of all, I'd like to ask, does Ann know that you know? If so, maybe you could talk to her about it, in a supportive and nonjudgemental way, but without pressuring her to say anything.
This may help her feel more relaxed about your family knowing and that you don't judge her. But I think once you're there, you'll have a better sense than anyone who could advise you from afar about whether to even talk to her or not (without making her uncomfortable).
If Ann doesn't know that you know, I would say, just let the two girls talk and she may open up to your daughter naturally. This would probably help her to feel more safe emotionally, and that her confidentiality is respected.
Also, I would say, it may be helpful to explore your own feelings and why you want your daughter to know. Perhaps journaling about this may help you realize something deeper than what appears on the surface.
Hope this was helpful.
S.
C., this is not your secret to tell. That said secrets are how this kind of thing does not get the help it needs. Please have a talk with the mother and explain your concern. Your dauhter may surprise you that she has known for some time and is thinking you don't know and is protecting you. If this young lady is on facebook about this or other issues then she is open about it and hopeful that her friends care enough about her to stand by her.
You are in a hard spot but your daughter is your first concern. Just because they are cousins doesn't mean they share the same standards or friends andthat is something your sister in law my be missing. Good Luck to all of you.
It sounds like Emily is old enough to know some very small details. If she is going to be staying with Ann a few nights, it's in her best interest to be prepared.
You don't have to divulge details like the cutting or the severity of the situation, but I would certainly tell her that Ann has some depression and anxiety that she struggles with and needs encouragement and support and leave it at that, lest you will be putting your own daughter in an uncomfortable situation. I would also tell your daughter not to mention it to Ann, but to be open to her in case she needs to talk.
Reading just what you said here, and the bit later about you not even being given the permission to tell your daughter about Ann not going back to college, it sounds to me like your sister-in-law is having her own struggles accepting Ann's troubles. You might try saying to her, that you think it will be much harder on your daughter to find this all out when you visit, and that by telling her now about Ann not being in college, it might be easier to still keep the information re her depression problems from Emily. If your sister-in-law still refuses, I think all you can do at this point is to wait. It may not be best for your daughter to find all this out when you actually go there, but at least you are prepared and can figure out a way to handle that part.
I personally think your daughter should know. Be upfront and honest with her. Let your daughter know not to bring up the subject with her cousin. Your daughter should wait for Ann to want to talk about it. At Emily's age she should know not to be discussing it with anyone and not to bring it up unless Ann feels comfortable and wants to discuss. If they get along and are close then eventually she will want to talk about it. Don't force the topic.
It is ann's business to tell if she wants Emily to know. Just like you wouldn't like your "diagnosis" to be told without your permission, I am sure Ann wouldn't either. Let your daughter figure it out with Ann and let them handle it. Leave the issue alone and don't bring it up. If Ann wants people to know, she will tell them!
M
I undersand that Ann's privacy needs to be respected but then that puts you in the position onf lying to your daughter. At her age, I don't think parents should be lying to their kids (versus when they are little we keep things from them to protect them). I think you should talk to Ann or your sister and encourage one of them to tell Emily. You could approach in a way that they could be helping Emily by sharing the possible stressors of being away from home and college, since many people, especially those witha family history, are suseptable to mental health issues at this time in their lives.
It sounds like your sil puts you in an ackward position...at least when it comes to issues with her daughter. So get yourself out of the middle of it. The best way to do that is to keep communication between 2 people directly. Which means, you talk to your sil directly about her concerns with her daughter and you talk to your neice directly about concerns you have for her and you let your daughter talk to her cousin directly about what is going on. It seems like the only issue is whether to tell your daughter that her cousin is not at a particular college this sememster. If your daughter wants to stay with her cousin and check out a particular campus, you should encourage her to contact her cousin and set that up....she is certainly old enough to be making her own arrangements of when to stay with her cousin. Then she will find out from Ann whatever Ann thinks is appropriate for her to know. If she comes back to you and wants to know if you knew about Ann not being at school this semester or any of the depression stuff (if she shares that with her)....you say "yes, her mother and I have talked about that, but it wasn't my information to share with you." Contrary to what some people have said, I don't think this would negatively effect your relationship with your daughter...if anything it would show that you know how to keep healthy boundaries within messy family dynamics.
I think it would be better for the "secret" to be let out of the bag. I think it would help Ann not feel so bad. If i were Ann and my mom wanted to keep this thing a secret, I would feel like she is ashamed. Her mom needs to let the secret out and let Ann know she is not ashamed of her. Also, Ann might not know how to tell Emily and may need your or her mom's assistance in this. Once Emily knows, maybe she can become the confidant to Ann that her mom seems to think she is. It certainly wouldn't hurt Ann to have someone her own age to talk to who knows what's going on and it can do nothing but help her self-esteem to know that people still love her and embrace her with all of her shortcomings.
My best to Ann!
