Is There Anything I Can Do?

For a close friend of mine, the topic presented itself when her son came home and related to get what he had learned about autism, Aspergers, etc. in school that day.
My friend told him "well, the drs think that is what you have" and he was flabbergasted! Lol
Are they getting any services? Have an IEP?
So much help and support out there for these kids--I'd only the mother could admit to herself. Have you ever asked her to attend a support group with you? That might break the ice...

Is your SIL being treated for her mental illnesses????
Or taking meds????
The problem is her.
And her maltreatment of her kids.
She is, "harming" them, emotionally and mentally.
She needs to be treated.

Keep in mind, that sometimes, growing up in a mentally ill home, will sometimes create mal-development in the child or children too. Because, the parent and home life is so, dysfunctional.

You cannot cure her or deal with her in a normal rational way, because... she is mentally, ill.
Of course she is like this. She is mentally ill.
And if the children are neglected or being mentally or emotionally abused... you all need to think about that.

Maybe you could deal directly with him and skip out on discussing with your SIL. If you have a close relationship with him, maybe you could take him out for a fun day and talk in the car a little bit about it. You might not be able to fully discuss autism without "violating" anything but you could reassure him and help him feel normal. Let him open up. Just talking can help quite a lot, even if he doesn't know the exact cause for his feelings. If he says he feels stupid, just tell him that he learns differently than some people, but that's okay. Or remind him not every one reacts to situations the same way. Something like that.

Sorry I can't give more advice. It's tricky to help without "helping," I have to do a similar thing with my nieces and nephews because my sister is crazy. It has nothing to do with autism, but just in general helping the kids navigate their lives when there is so much adversity. Just being a person they can trust and talk to is as much as you can hope for sometimes.

You say SIL, so maybe the person you need to talk to is your BIL. Acknowledge that it's hard to deal with Autism but that their sons deserve to know what's going on with them. Ask him why they refuse to talk to the boys or treat Autism like a bad word. And, frankly, if SIL is not quite right herself (in other ways) maybe this is less about them and much more about HER.

Since your child and hers are skyping, help in a non direct way. If their view on life is similar, they will have the same or similar experiences. So, if you find something that helps your son learn in school, have your son share that with the nephew "hey, guess what trick I learned"... have them be each other's support system. They can support each other without knowing they have a common medical diagnosis.

If she were not bipolar and the rest, I would tell you that she is probably waiting until he is older to tell him. I know that a child who was a friend of mine was beyond upset when his mother told him that he had ADHD. He was 11 and it caused all kinds of problems when he found out. He was old enough to understand what was wrong with him AND the implications, but not old enough to cope with it.

With her having issues herself, I don't know what her reasoning is. I also don't know if your nephew can actually understand autism. Many autistic kids cannot.

I don't know if you know who the child's doctor is, but you could write a letter to the doctor and ask him or her to talk to the mother about when to discuss it with the child. It will open a dialogue, at least. The doctor cannot talk to you, but he or she CAN listen to you.

Dawn

SH is right. If the kids were neurotypical, they would have problems growing up with her as a mom. You are "Walking on Eggshells". There is little you can do but swallow your pride around her and keep lines of communication open with the kids. They are smart enough to figure out what's going on when they get services or therapies. They will need you then. This type of mom generally does poorly with the rebellious teen years and situational stress. Sometimes going as far as kicking them out of the family. Be there, then.

I have a friend whose three of her four children are on the spectrum in mild but varying degrees. All of her children participate in some type of "special" program - one is in speech therapy, one art, etc. She also works with them at home - they are all mainstreamed right now (they are all in 4th grade and under).

So my question is - if your SIL's children are on the spectrum, are they receiving any type of therapies, or programs? If the 11 year old is mainstreamed, but no one - like the school, even knows he is on the spectrum than she is not parenting like she should be. If none of her kids are participating in appropriate resources, that could be deemed neglact- in my mind it is neglect for not helping her kids.

I don't care if she is borderline and medicated, if the family knows that the kids are not being cared for in the proper manner, they need to step up. If she is that ill, that she cannot properly care for the children, the family needs to step up and in and assure that the children are cared for. I don't mean food, clothing, shelter - but to let an 11 year old, on the spectrum, suffer because he doesn't understand what is going on in his brain, what is causing him to struggle, and not ensure he receives the assistance he needs to be successful, is neglect. And is setting him up for a lifetime of self esteem problems and, frankly, failure.

I disagree with your sister-in-law's approach, but unfortunately this is one of those things that it's not right to overstep about. I've always been honest and open with my middle daughter, now 10, about her Autism diagnosis and what it means. When she has questions or issues, positive or negative, we have a starting point for discussions.

Autism is not a dirty word, and it's nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, it's part of what makes my sweet girl who she's growing up to be. Why would I deny that part of her? Even to her? She has the right to know why she's different and has difficulties with certain things, and why other things are easier for her than for others. It reassures her to know that there are other children and teens and adults just like her. She's not strange or weird or odd.

Unfortunately, your SIL is not in treatment for her illness. And also unfortunately, she's bought into the stigma and negativity attached to being associated with having neurological disorders. She's come to that conclusion through life experience of being bipolar. It's not the illness making that choice for her. It's wanting to protect her child. I say that it's not the illness making her make the choice because there are perfectly mentally healthy people that make this same exact choice not to tell their children what's going on.

So what do you do? As a mom with a child on the spectrum, you can try to have a private talk with her without the children being around. That will alleviate her fears that her children will overhear anything. Just talk to her, gently, without criticizing and it might take a series of discussions before you can bring this up. There very well might be valid reasons that she doesn't want to tell her child/ren yet.