Teenage Relationship Advice

I would also be heartbroken about my daughter having sex. Short of teaching her some really adult things, I would talk to her about other ways to experience intimacy with her boyfriend. What is it that she gets out of sex? Is it a sense of closeness? There are other ways to experience closeness....backrubs, love notes, another physical activity....

HI, I suggest looking up Dr. Phil's website he had very strong opinions about that on his recent show.

Hi T.,

I am going to get some negitive response to this I am sure but here goes anyway...I have 3 teenage girls at home with me one is 13 one is 15 and one is 16 almost 17.
I was asked by my 15 year old when she can date I explained to her that its not an age thing its a "I know right from wrong thing" If your teen is only 15 years old I think she has become too involved already time to put some breaks on or risk major problems...I explaine to my girls that right now school is what matters and the boys will come later. If your daughter is starting this at 15 where will her life be in 5 years? at 20 there will be no wonder in the relationship stuff. I know it is hard as a parent to be with our kids 24/7 but as a parent your teen is way too free if she has the freedom to be having sex. Be the mom, your daughter is still a CHILD!!! God Bless our children and the parents that think they have no control. America is the land of the free but we need to be good parents and stop allowing for our daughters to think its OK to have sex because we dont have the back bone to say hey, its old fashioned and still applies sex is for married people!! NOT CHILDREN! I hope your not offended but my advice is be the mom not the best buddy of your daughter, dont teach her safe sex teach her the right thing to do and the right kind of person to be.
Luck to you both and may God Bless.
C.

First, congratulations on having the kind of relationship with your daughter that she would confide in you about this and also that you are able to talk openly with both her and her boyfriend. That is huge.

Who is the "we" in your question? Are you talking with the other mom? It's one thing to agree they "should" not be sexually involved. But they are. So the question becomes, what can you as parents do?

At various points in our children's lives we need to let go, and not always when we'd like. I think the Serenity Prayer is a good guide to checking in with yourself as a parent whether this is something you actually the power to change. Maybe in this case you do. But we can't achieve positive behavior change with negative methods. So what are your options?

I think you have done the responsible thing for your daughter. What does the other mom recommend? Her boy is sexually active, so hopefully she will keep talking to him and try and convince him to be responsible.

Maybe if the two of you are in full agreement that the situation is unacceptable, you can sit down with the kids and convince them and work out a plan that involves their agreeing to abstinence. Note that the other mom hasn't succeeded so far in this, so it may well be too late. And in any case it will only work if you can get the true buy-in by the kids, based on them understanding some aspect of reasonable and natural consequences.

She can try to forbid what he is doing by punishment and grounding. But she needs to think through the consequences. If human experience is any guide, taking the hard line in this without her son's agreement -- at this point -- will likely only result in building resentment and encouraging dishonesty.

The main thing here is to keep all the lines of communication open in a way that everyone feels respected.

I think there is a big leap between "keeping them apart" Romeo and Juliette style and not allowing/enabling them to have sex. Minors having sex is against the law and like a previous poster said I guess the best you can do is to monitor them and help ensure they are not having sex under your roof. There are lots of other "things" for them to be doing at 15. In my house my boys would be getting a healthy dose of morality in how sex is designed for married adults since that is what we believe as parents. They will still have free will to go against their upbringing but I am not going to just say okay you are having sex, well I guess that is okay then and start providing them with materials to do do on my own dime. You are the momma :) There is so much more to "sex" than the dynamics of what goes where and how babies are made and STD's, sex has so many emotional components to it all the knowledge in the world is not going to help with heart break. They are "attracted" to each other because they are *horny*, not because they have much of a life long chance of staying together or that they are ready to be having sex. Self control needs to be inserted in here somewhere it seems to me.

I don't think there is any way from keeping them from having sex, especially since they have already done it. I feel that it is your job to educate your daughter on the safest way to have sex, if she is going to do it. I have 2 daughter's and dread this event, but you have to take care of her. Telling her not to have sex isn't the answer...she will do it anyway.

May I share my story? It's a bit long, but I think this is an important topic. I am a retired school teacher. I used to teach junior/senior high. That is grade 7-12 in Canada. As one of the "cool teachers" many kids confided in me that they were sexually active. They wouldn't "dare tell mom and dad". Kudos to you for creating that open communication. You are a huge step ahead of many other parents today whose kids hide eveything from them. You are obviously doing something right.

So I will share with you what I have shared with too many of my students in the past. I would sit down with them and talk straight. (Oh and I should add that I used to teach in Catholic schools where we were not allowed to speak of sex, only abstinence - oops! LOL)

"Sex is great, I will agree with you. You get all tingly, you get all excited, you feel a rush of adrenalin and oh the feelings of mmmmmm. It is a wonderful experience. It truly is an amzing experience. (add dramtic sigh here)

You know, kind of like when you are on field and you get that winning goal, right? Or when that cute guy looks at you in "that way" for the first time. Even the excitement in that first kiss you had with him.

I know, I know, sex is different you are thinking. How can I compare it to "soccer"? Well, think about it. You had to "practise" for the big game didn't you? (you had to date before you would 'do It') You had to practice using the "equipment" and not looking like a fool (you do use condoms, right?). Then you had to study the "play book" (you know not too fast, not too slow, timing is everything). Then on game day you had to plan, prepare and focus (you know you don't want to mess it up in the first 3 minutes of the "game")

**usaully by this point they are either laughing or rolling their eyes at me. - So I go on

"So then, here it is, time for the big goal. You both line up you move in and WHAM it's in there. Now what? Well on the field you get the cheers of the crowd, the admiration of your friends (okay that might happend after sex too depending on your friends!), your family, your friends, your teachers, your aunts, your uncles, your friend parents, even the guy at the grocery store is proud of you. You can relive that moment over and over again. And if you are any good at the game, you can do it all again over and over again in the same night... in the same 3 hours. You might even win a trophy or a special commendation in the newspaper or even a scholarship! You may have just created one of the best lasting memories of all time.

But sex, well sex is good too. But it is over in a matter of minutes. Oh sure, there might be some nice "foreplay" but truly, it really only takes a few minutes. Then what? Do you run around and do backflips and get admiration from your team, your friends, your school, your parents? Mostly likely not. What about doing it over and over again all night long. Not going to happen. And as for the admiration...well I guess, if a pregnancy occurs your child can admire you for the next oh 20 years or so. There is also the lasting memory of, "was it the right time?", "will it matter to me tomorrow?", "what about when we break up, how will I feel when he is with another girl?" Ah yes, the lasting memories. So I guess you have thought all that through.

I think you get the idea.

T., you are the parent. You and I know kids are having sex. And they are doing things to each other that they don't even consider sex (BJ's etc.) We can't stop that.

My advise, talk straight. Don't use scare tactics, they don't work, kids are too desensitized. Tell her what you truly feel. If you don't like it say so. If you want her to take responsibilty for her actions, then mtell her do so. You are her mother, not her friend. Educate her and let her know you love her. Will her heart get broken? There is a really good chance it will. Most likely there will be 2, yours and hers. But that is part of growing up, for both of you.

So listen to what your heart is telling you. Not what the media says, not what you "think" you should do or say. What does Theresa want to say to her daughter? What does Theresa want for her daughter? And I guess most importantly, what can both Theresa and her daughter live with?

Blessings to you both
B.

PS My daughters are 11 & 8...I know my time will come.

I have 15 and 17-year-old daughters. I've told them from Jr. High on that if they plan on having sex, to let me know and I'll take them to the doctor to get on birth control pills. I also told them if they chose to not let me know, that they could go to a local planned parenthood. If you try to keep them apart, they will probably just get into trouble sneaking around to be together. They'll probably start lying and you'll start wondering if you can trust them. That boy's mom can not protect him from heartache. It wasn't the first time his heart was broken, and it probably won't be his last. I have also told my daughters that even if they do go on birth control pills, it's best to still use a condom. Kids that age aren't always faithful either. Since the pill does not prevent STDs, my kids know to use both all the time. They both plan on waiting until they are married, but in this day and age, I know that is oftentimes unrealistic. The oldest daughter has her first boyfriend so I worry, but know she is armed with knowledge. I also explained that drinking alcohol will make them more likely to not keep their goal of waiting until marriage. Neither of them drink (to my knowledge). I think it's good they came to you with the truth. Don't punish them for that (as far as the boy's mom goes.)

Edited to add, I would also consider taking your daughter to her pediatrician and having the Guardisil shots. (A series of 3 shots to prevent certain types of cervical cancer for sexually active teens/young adults.) It's highly recommended for girls 9 to 25 to get the series of shots, preferably before they become sexually active, but between those ages it's available. It's just something I think you should talk to her doctor about.

Well, I don't think it's possible to keep them apart. They will find a way to be together at their age. I really liked Laura C.'s advice. I would recommend keeping the lines of communication open, and speaking as a formerly sexually active teen, I would not trust your daughter to be responsible for birth control at her age. If it were my daughter, I would go with her to get the birth control shots, and make sure that she always has a condom on her before she leaves the house. Even when they have an understanding of the possible negative consequences of having premarital sex, teens tend to think that nothing bad will ever happen to THEM. Getting pregnant at her age could be very damaging to her life, her boyfriend's life, and the fetus' life, as could getting an STD. These are "rest of her life" consequences that she is facing, so as her mother, do whatever you can to look out for her safety.

Good luck,
C.

By her "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura. I might give there the vision to look past this time in her life to the future and how things we choose to do now will inpact her life....good or bad.

I think you are absolutely right. The more you are going to let them know it's not OK to do the more they are going to rebel. Trust me I have done it with my parents. They are at the age where they know EVERYTHING!Right? I think that you did your part. I think you should put your daughter on birth control and help her with making sure she is taking her pill everyday untill she has the hang of it. I think it's great that she can open up to you and tell you that she is sexually active. Maybe you can pursuade them to get tested for any STDs and HIV.
Good Luck!

yikes! I am not looking forward to that day with my daughter at all.

I was speaking with my own mother last night about how so often as parents we help/parent out kids as if we were leading our own childhoods again... and that's not neccessarily fair to them. Or to us for that matter!

I think you are doing the right thing. Kids will sometimes have sex even if they have been taught to wait until they are married, older, anything other than a teenager... I feel strongly that our job as moms is to inform and teach and hold our kids accountable for the choices (good or bad) that they make.

I would, however encourage you to be relentless about birth control and safe sex. I wonder if bringing it up weekly would make her so crazy she'd want to stop? ha.

"so honey, when was the last time you and ___ had sex? what protection did you use?"

Can you imagine?

Good luck!

AS a teacher of high school kids I know that there is not much you can do about this. She obviously feels comfortable coming to you about this which is a testament to your relationship with her. All you can do is give her your love and advice on saftey. I would also recommend that you take her for a vist to your gyno. Sexually active teens are more at risk for a number of conditions apart from STD's or pregnancy. Her boyfriend should also visit a doctor for tests to be sure that they are both "safe"

It is also important to discuss the emotional side effects of beginning a sexual relationship. The younger you are the less prepared you are for this.

Congratulations on your relationship with your daughter and that you have a positive relationship with her boyfriend. It sounds as though his mother has expressed her opinion on the matter. Bottom line, if the kids chose to be sexually active, they will be. Trying to keep them apart will only damage the parent-child relationship that you have worked soo hard to develop. You do not have to agree with the other mom and if you chose not to support her actions to separate the children, be honest and tell her. Let her know that while you disagree with their choices, it is more important for them to trust you and be comfort enough to come to you if problems arise. Good luck and keep your wonderful relationship with your daughter.

I don't know if I can really help you but I can tell you that keeping them apart would just want to make them be with eachother more so that wouldn't be the smartest idea cuz I have friends who are sexually active and there parents don't have a clue. So consider yourself lucky. I have had a friend whose mom walked in on her having sex, she couldn't see her boyfriend but still saw him anyways. Sex doesn't always end in heartbreak, but when it does it can mess a person up, my friend contemplated suicide when she broke up with her boyfriend, so if I were a mother of a sexually active teenager I would warn your daughter of not only the physical but emotional side affects that could come with having sex.

Hi T., I can relate to your concern. I have a 17 year old and we are going through the same situation. I am alot like you in that my daughter told me and they are both open in discussing their feelings. We all have fears but they are not going to stop so prevention like you are addressing is the best solution in my opinion. If they are aware of the risks, use condoms or other birth control methods every time, there is nothing eles you can do. They don't think they are doing anything wrong. People may not like to hear this but Religious organizations are the only ones who judge and opinion sex right or wrong among other things. Follow your gut in dealing with this issue. Age and maturity or two different things. 15 may seem early but if we took a pole how old was everybody when they began to have sex? Reality is 15 is probably the average believe it or not. It's the reality. You know your daughter. Of course they risk getting hurt emotionaly but who doesn't in any relationship??? I'm not saying to make it easy for them to be alone by any means you are still the parent but most the time if you ride things out the situation will lose its thrill if you know what I mean. Stay supportive and keeping the lines of communication open like you do. Good luck to all of us!!!

Hi T.-
I know this is a very hard and confusing time for the both of you!
We went through the same thing. I have 2 step-daughters, 17 and 14. When the oldest was 14 she started dating her then boyfriend. They waited awhile before they were thinking about being sexually active. We all talked to her about the con's. She knew quite well that we did not agree with it, but also that we understood. One of our biggest concerns were her self respect and not to just want sex because he did. and to listen to the "If you Love Me" speal.. Also a big help was keep them home, close to us. We knew what they did when they were home and so we encouraged them as much as possible (as well as being socially healthy)so we knew what and where they were. Her mom put her on Birth Control right away, she did not have any say in the matter! If she wanted to act like an adult, she needed to take the responsibilties as an adult.
But having open communication is the best thing. She needs to feel that she can come to you, even when she is in/having trouble.
Good luck, your doing great!!
have a good Thanksgiving!

Hello T.!

Let me say WOW! I don't have daughters, I have 3 boys! My oldest being 12. So soon I know he will be there too, well I hope not. I always enforce the school rule.

But let me say this! First of all It is GREAT she confided in you! That means u two have an awesome relationship that she can come to you. Some kids have to run around and hide and then they get in trouble with STD's or pregnancy? Im not sayig I think it is good for her to be having sex, cause at 15 they still really do not understand. But it is good that u two talk . Now u can help her, and inform her. She needs to know how to be reponsible for herself, if sheis chosing to have sex. So yes we do need to inform our children. And it is wonderful that you have approached the other parent about this. I totally agree that if you try and seperate them, they will try harder to be together. Good Luck. I just hope this helps.

My daughter started even younger, and she and her boyfriend approached me and told me what they were up to. Consider yourself fortunate that your daughter feels comfortable enough to approach you. Birth control is the best gift you could give your daughter in this situation. You cannot stop kids from being active sexually, and be thankful that she is in a meaningful relationship to her. Love is relative to age and should never be discounted. Never mind what the boy's mother thinks; you are responsible for your own child. My view is that you should educate your children and be involved whether it's school or sex education. It's never an easy task, but you are certainly on the right track! Best wishes and blessings, C. Dewey (mother of a grown daughter who moved back in at 27!)

I'm a little late on this one but here it goes. I was sexually active at 15 and I regret it. A LOT!!!! I wish my mom would have explained to me that there were things I didn't understand and that in time I would. I wish she would have taught me to value marriage and that sex and intimacy is a spiritual bond with your spouse. Parents are to scared nowadays to be just that, parents. We are not here to be our children's best friends we are here to guide them through life as best we can. Teach them between right and wrong from our experiences. Now whether or not they should be having sex is up to the morals and values your family lives by. But I tell you from experience I wish my mom would have sat with me and told me not only that I shouldn't be having sex but most importantly why.

Dear T.,

You have already done as much as you can. You can be supportive to both of them. Life is so hard for young people nowadays - that they cling to each other for closeness as well as emotional support and help in trying to understand this crazy world.

I am sorry that his mother is making herself suffer because she is butting up against something that is more powerful than she is. She needs to make a closer relationship with her son and your daughter. When you give someone the responsibility and let the full weight of the problem fall upon their shoulders, then they will feel it more. Maybe he would not have made such errors as he has if his parents were less judgemental. You know, God gives us freedom, and he always welcomes us back when we ask for help. Umhuh.

C. N.

I at that age was also sexually active with my boyfriend of many months (now my husband of 8+ years) and there wasn't anything anybody could do about it. My M. didn't ask, I didn't tell, but everyone knew. I recommend you get her on birth control, but also, require her to behave as you normally would, don't pretend they are married. He shouldn't sleep over, or vice versa. Good luck, and btw, I got pregnant my senior year of high school, due to being too scared to ask my M. for bc. You are doing a great job!

They shouldn't be sexually active BUT they are so you just have to take it from there. Just be glad she told you and hopefully she'll be smart enough not to get pregnant. Heartbreak is part of life....that's something we deal with all our lives. Don't encourage her but be supportive. I think you did good by talking to her and him also. Good Luck.