Advice on How to Handle a Sexually Active 16 Year Old Girl.

Now that you know please put her on birth control, it might get her to go ahead but she will not come up pregrent.

Hi D.,

The only thing you can do is be honest with her. Talk about the reason people have sex, (to show love, have children, etc), tell her it is up to her to respect to her herself and her body and that she doesn't have to have sex to "prove" anything to anyone, and tell her how to keep herself safe. The bottom line is be honest, keep lines of communication open with her, and go from there. Ultimately, massive amounts of research show that teaching youth how to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs only decreases pregnancy and STDs, it DOES NOT increase sexual activity, and in many cases, it decreases it. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Good luck, A.

I don't have much advice. My sister who is my baby sister was sexually active at 15 and ended up pregnant. She had her son on her 16th birthday. Her then at the time boyfriend now husband made her drop out of chior. She would have had a chior scholarship had he not done that to her. He doesn't want her to better herself and be better than him. That's the way it's been since before they married. Good luck. I hope you or her don't have to go through that.

I can only tell you what I would do and hope that you take none of this offensively.

You only get one chance. They only get one life. It is a priveledge to get to have a car, hang out with your friends and do things we want to do when we are children.
Not wanting to watch her is not an option. REMEMBER you are raising a future mother, wife, adult, and it is your responsibility to do whatever it takes to get her there. WE MAKE THE MISTAKE OF RAISING CHILDREN NOT THINKING OF THEM AS FUTURE ADULTS.You sit her down and tell her that you love her and that you understand that it is not easy to be confronted with these decisions.You have your husband sit with you. I really think the most important part in this is your husband. He needs to take the lead and let her know how much he values her and that he wants her to understand that no boy is worth having her.You have him be honest with her about how he and his friends saw girls who did things like that.Tell her of some of your experiences.( children can appreciate honesty and start to realize that you have had the same experiences.You dont have to give details) The best thing to do to get your point across is ask her to write down what she wants in a future husband & father of her children?( give her some words to think about...honest, faithful, christian, caring, selfless, giving, loving, and explain to her that these are hard to find because to many families don't raise their sons with values and have a double standard about the sexes) They forget they are raising future husbands. Does she want a man who uses women, has had sex with alot of women, and doesn't treat women with respect. Then ask her what she thinks those kinds of men want in their future wives & mothers of their children. Explain to her that you can only attract quality people if you are a quality person yourself. Again have him stress what boys think about girls like this. They sleep with these girls and marry girls who are more reserved. Then you let her know that you are were not given the job of being her parent just to make her happy. You have a duty to make sure she grows up a responsible, safe, educated, moral, honest, productive adult and that you are not her friend. You can be her friend when she is older and is mature enough to handle an adult relationship. Turn to your church or an adult she looks up to that you trust. I would also try and find a place or person that can show her what the consequences actally look like. I have a 13yr old daughter who has a 19yr old sister. They share the same dad. If you can call him that. Unfortunatly the mom was just as uninvolved. She is now the mother of a little girl who is 1 and has one on the way. She is going through a divorce from the dad of the first child and is pregnant by the live in boyfriend. Our children try to and want to please us. SET THE STANDARD NOW AND KEEP ON TOP OF HER. She has proven herself to make irresponsible decisions and you now have to take back some of the freedom you have given until she can prove herself trustworthy. I know this is not easy but I can tell you that she will grow up and understand. WE DONT GET A DO-OVER! They are not equipped to make mature decisions yet. Thats why GOD has given them to us. They need a guide. AGAIN I STRESS... the most important part in this is your husband, little girls need to know that DAD VALUES ME. He needs to take the lead and let her know how much her values her and that he wants her to understand that no boy is worth having her. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to PRAY!! I do not mean that as a "saying". I mean, get help praying from your church family. If you do not have one, I can recommend First Euless - www.firsteuless.com . Kent Wells is the youth minister there. He is incredible. I have a 16 year old boy and a 12 year old boy - with a 5, 2, and 1 year old as well. There is nothing you can do about what happens when your teen leaves your presence except PRAY and teach them right from wrong. I agree not to condone it with birth control, but you could definitely invite friends over for a long evening that have little ones - more toddler age than newborn. Have her there and let her experience children. That is the best birth control.

You might want to consider some summer camps that help build self-image in teens. If she has respect for herself and her body maybe she will be less likely to engage in this dangerous way to live. When 1 in every 4 adults has Genital Herpes it's a dangerous world to be sexually active for anyone and teens have a tendency to think they are invincible and not think of the consequences.

I recommend Eagle U (www.eagleu.com) - it is a 6 day 5 night leadership camp for ages 14-25. It is wonderful for teens and young adults who truly want to be successful in life. They teach self image building, confidence, how to interview for jobs, how to get your dream job, how to pick a college, they have a section on dating - it's a great program and would benefit anyone in her age group. It is not an at-risk program but a Leadership Camp for teens & young adults who care about their future. (most teens that go their first time don't want to go and by the time Saturday comes they don't want to leave - it's remarkable) - they have two programs this summer - one in Denton TX in July and one in Los Angeles in August

Another suggestion is JH Ranch (www.jhranch.com) This is a Christian based camp in Northern California which is amazing. My husband and I went to the husband/wife week and it really changed our lives and our marriage. If you are a Christian and would like your daughter to be surrounded by other dedicated Christians this is an amazing opportunity. One reason I was not sexually active as a teenager is because of my faith in God and my relationship with him. The kids that attend this camp leave with an amazing new outlook on life that is immeasureable. We met so many amazing teens there who are a delight to get to know and make really great choices - helped me to have faith in the future of our nation.

I recommend getting her around other teens who are making wise choices and maybe she will pick up on this and find a better path.

You are not saying whether she has a regular boyfriend or not. We don't know all the information of course, what kind of girl she is, what kind of life she has. But let's say that she's in love with her first boyfriend for example and having sexual relations with him at 16 is a bit young but not shocking. A pregnancy at her age would be. I would definitely advise you to put her on birth control and have a conversation with her (if possible) about sex, love, birth control, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases while we are at it. Birth control is not enough, protection against diseases is also very important.
If you can't have this conversation with her, somebody you both trust may be able to.
I realize that my view may not be shared by other Mamas since I am not Christian and I am pro choice. But I seriously think that you'd better be safe than sorry. I doubt that birth control will encourage her (what are you suggesting about your daughter???), but I am sure that you can't prevent her from having sexual relationships and that a pregnancy at her age would be devastating both for her and for you.
I also realize that it's a very difficult stage for a mother to go through, so I wish you all the best.

Wow. You've gotten quite alot of advice on this subject! Well this is coming from a woman that became sexually active at a very early age. I am now a 44 year old mom with two boys married for 12 years. I know that life is not the same as it once was when I was a young girl but in this area, nothing has changed except maybe for the fact that sex in it's self is more visible and open than years ago. But boys are still boys and girls are still girls and this is nothing new under the sun.
As for the effects of me making this choice, I had much more consquinces than a unwanted pregnancy. As a grown woman I can still feel the effects of my decision emotionally. I suffer from intimacy issues regarding sex that stem from being with boys/men that didn't love me. Now my husband and I both have to deal with those issues. In short I was robbed by my decision and so was my husband. If you daughter was just seeking sexual pleasure, a boy is not needed for that. It's ussaully the need for attention and acceptance is why most girls have sex.
I would try and talk to her openly and honestly on why she feels the need to have sex. I believe if a girl feels comfortable with who she is she doesn't need to give into the pressure of "performing" for a boys affections.
I know that your question is regarding putting her on birth control or not. Something that I can't seem to answer for you situation. My mom did put me on birth control pills after becoming pregnant and it did help me not to become pregnant again but it didn't help me with the cost of giving a saqarde part of myself to someone that would only become a memory in my life.
Something worth considering.
Best Regards,
C.

I'm a teacher and have dealt with many middle school and high school pregnancies. Without fail everyone of them who comes back to visit regrets the choices they made and they often ask to speak to my class about not getting pregnant. I would advise the 2 of you doing some volunteer work together for a crisis pregancy center in the area. Also, if she isn't working, maybe she could get a job in a daycare or volunteer in a similar setting. Churches, school counselors and teen shelters can also offer lots of support! I pray that you will find just the right help for your daughter!

Dear D.,
my crazy computer keeps cutting out on me. This is my third try to reply to you.

I think you need to get her on BC right away first, then start the open honest loving dialogging!

I read every one of these responses because I also have a 16 year old daughter and I'm very interested in this topic! I think you got some great advice! And I'm sure you're going to do what you can to solve your problem.

My own feeling is that "freedom" and privileges are earned and not a right, so in my family, anyone that has become sexually active would lose the privilege of driving the family car, and "dating". We would also want to sit down with our child and talk about self-esteem issues, what love and lust are, what the Bible says about premarital sex, why casual sex is not a good idea, why abstinence until marriage is a good idea, etc. Carrying around the 10lb sack of flour would be a definite option, as would be learning about the STDs, etc. Babysitting for my niece who just had premature twins that don't sleep through the night would also be a wake up call!

So much one could write!

This may give you and your husband and your daughter a chance to sit down and figure out what your values are and why you hold them. Try to keep the communication open between the three of you! Even if she remains sexually active, or gets pregnant, or gets an incurable STD - she is still your daughter and you need to try to maintain the relationship!

My older sister got pregnant when she was still a teenager. It broke my parents' hearts but they helped her through it and we all became stronger people. They didn't allow the situation to destroy the relationship. I admired them for that.

Hope you can help your daughter wise up! What a hard place to be in.

You didn't mention any faith issues - maybe this is a good time to turn to God and ask for help? I don't mean to be preachy or judgemental - just introduce the idea of the concept of a Larger Picture!

I didn't have time to read everything so I hope I'm not repeating. I started young and all my Dad did was throw AIDS pamphlets at me and my Mom didn't care what I did. I did get AIDS test ever 6 months but it didn't stop me from being careless. It would have been better if he had tried contacting the Fort Worth AIDS outreach to see if I could spend some time with someone living with AIDS then I would have used condoms. I was lucky and couldn't get pregnant when I was a kid but believe me I tried. I know for me I was looking for Love and Affection so I know I could have used counseling. I'm not saying I would have stopped but I would have made better choses and learn to love me. Do what you can to make sure she is safe and stays baby free.

This must be a very tough time for your family, I am so sorry. I don't think there is a formula to follow that can make this all better but perhaps another view. BC is critical and the reality of it is she did not ask permission to have sex. You can still let her know it is not okay. You can't watch her 24/7, though we want to protect them, this is not real. You can talk statistics but to a teen - "this will never happen to me" is the thought. Perhaps a trip to Edna Gladney like the other mom suggested may make an impression. Anger may not have an impact but perhaps disappointment will? Let her know you worry that she does not value herself and concerned about low self-esteem. She will probably think you are crazy but ask how many boys will she fall for and give into her physical/emotional desires. Is there a place where she draws the line? Teens can go through boyfriends quickly, when does she say no? Then of course you have STD and even if she doesn't get HIV or AIDS, there are so many other things.

I wish you the best and hope your darling daughter will see this can only cause her pain later.

At this point she will be sexually active if you put her on BC or not--so go for it, Mom!!! I wish I had with my daughter. It is a terribly emotional decision. What would you recommend to someone else?
Ask your doctor what she recommends for a 16 yr. old.
7 yrs. ago I took my granddaughter for shot that lasted several months so she didn't have to remember the pill. (Impossible for a teenager) Said grandaughter is now the happily married mother of a 5 yr. old and an 1 yr. old, neither of which she conceived before marriage to her Air Force man, (for whith she is proud!!)
Grandma D.

I feel for you and for her. I was sexually active young and I regret it now.

Looking back at how I was and what I think might have worked with me this is what I would do if my roles had been reversed.

I would have sat myself down and lovingly and calmly explained why it is unacceptable (religious beliefs, morals, etc). I would also explain WHY it is inappropriate for a teen to do it (not emotionally ready, impulsive, etc) and why it is really such a scary thing to do in this day and age (STDs, pregnancy, AIDS).

You will also want to mention that people will find out and that she will get a reputation and people can loose respect for her (her peers and adults).

It might even be a good idea to take her to a pregnancy counselor (the ones that help mothers deicded what to do in the case of an unwanted pregnancy). I don't think scare tatics work on teens now but it's information she needs to have if she is going to do this.

I personally (looking back now) don't think that a teen is old enough to make a responsible, informed decision to engage in sexual activity, but I don't know how you would stop them either. If you force it she willl find ways to get around it and that leads to a whole different set of discipline issues and trust issues.

If you are close to your preacher you might ask him for advice. I know most have a lot of experience in dealing with situations such as this.

Mostly, just love her. Explain to her that it is not something she HAS to do. That if her boyfriend really loves her then he will not force her to do it. Explain that it just complicates the relationship and they usually disolve shortly after they become sexually involved.

I wish there was a magic answer for your situation but maybe you can take something from all of the responses and apply them to your unique situation and family.

Best of Luck!

Real Options for Women is a christian based service for std and pregnancy testing and they also do christian couseling and education at the same time. It is located in Plano off of 75. It is an amazing donation service that can give her a ton of information in a small amount of time. Check into it. That visit could be life changing for you and your daughter.

Please check out the Love and Logic system of discipline. It is very good and you can contact them for personal questions. Good Luck, You are is my prayers.

Absolutely Awesome Advice from Caroline R!!

I was raped at age 16 because I wouldn't give in to someone whom I thought was my friend. I am now 35 yrs old, and I am married with 4 wonderful children. HOWEVER; that being said....I then started having sex with my then boyfriend at age 16 as well....I figured someone had already robbed me of my innocence, so why not. Well I can tell you why not....just as Caroline R said, I have intimacy issues as well. It is way different after the fact when you have sex before marriage. And also if anyone out there would actually fess up and tell the truth....they to have issues with intimacy if they had sex before marriage.

You have those long lost memories of that "boyfriend" whom you had sex with the first time of your life. And then he's not there for the rest of your life. You have those thoughts of "Why did I do that? Why didn't I wait?"

Essentially like Caroline R said....you rob yourself and your husband of something so sacred and special that the two you were suppose to share with each other.

There are so many issues that having sex before marriage can cause someone to have. It is very, very important for you to get your daughter to a counselor who can help her figure this out. It isn't something that you & your husband can do alone. Teens do not want to listen to their parents.

I am not sure what Faith you are....but I would try to start with someone in the church...a deacon, a woman on the women's commitee to helping other women, or the preacher/priest.

She really needs to know the consequences other than getting pregnant. There is so much emotional baggage that comes with having sex before marriage. She needs to know it all.

Good luck to ya & Lean on God...he'll walk you thru this.
~S. P

Dear D. L,

I have already said a prayer for all of you. I have prayed for her protection. Of course, pregnancy is a risk, but sexually transmitted diseases are even greater risks. Please DO have her checked out by a physician. I guess it's too late to teach her that abstinance is a better choice (although she COULD start NOW!). If she continues to have sex, she MUST use a condom. Please stress this to her.

Depending on the ages of your sons, they may be able to talk to her about boy's attitudes about promiscuous girls. She could always stop.

Good look with all of it.

Deb D

I agree with the women who said to put your daughter on birth control pills. She will have sex if he wants to, no matter what. And she will always find time for sex if she wants it. It would be a good idea to make sure she knows to take her birth control pills at the same time every day in order to ensure maximum protection. This doesn't mean you are encouraging her to have sex - this just means that you are a caring, involved mom who doesn't want to be a very young grandma just yet. Good luck!

I am sure that this has been very difficult for you and your family. I know that the teenage brain operates quite differently than any other! How did you discover that she was sexually active? I think that there are probably a lot of concerns for you right now, but I would be concerned about getting pregnant, sexually transmitted diseases and the psychological ramifcations of being sexually active so young. If you have a good open relationship, perhaps you can ask her why she feels that she is ready for that kind of relationship so young? Is she actively involved in church? Is she active in athletics? I would keep a close eye on her. This is such a difficult age and such a hard thing for a teenage girl to understand. At least you know and can deal with the facts. I would try to find someone a few years older(perhaps from a church youth group etc.) that can talk to her about having sex so young and the consequences. Maybe a trip to Edna Gladney, etc. to show her that it can happen to anyone. Good luck and God bless.

Hi D.,

My heart aches for you and what you are going through right now. Your daughter needs you so very much right now. She needs you to be honest with her about how you feel about what she is doing...she needs to know that you care and you care about her emotions/health/future, etc.

I lost my virginity to someone that I thought I was going to marry. Didn't happen. Then I felt that it was a way to gain attention and feel valued with others. Yeah, works for the time, but afterward is so empty. I really didn't have anyone to talk to about those feelings, please keep the door open for your daughter!!

There are so many pressures in this world and the kids are doing things so much sooner, I can't imagine. Knowing that the "common sense" part of their brain doesn't develop until their 20s does explain it, but doesn't help the current situation.

Despite the current commercials about genital herpes, making things look so rosy for the couples, this is a very difficult and easily transmitted STD. No signs of it doesn't mean you can't get it from someone. Once you've gotten it, it's a lifetime of dealing with it...medicines, telling EVERY partner in your life, pregnancy risks, etc. Please, please, read up on these and make sure she is educated on all risks.

Be there for her, listen to her, keep the lines open!! This will be my prayer for you!

Please, please, please educate your daughter to the cosequences of STD's! Honestly, an unplanned-unwanted pregnancy isn't the worst that can happen. STD's cause a myriad of health issues that rob the woman of future blessings and options. There are books and info available through Focus on the Family, and probably many other organizations. In my own family I've seen both teen pregnancy and STD's that have caused so much pain and heartbreak. I'd take the first over the latter anytime! That's what teenagers NEVER think about. May God bless you with widom in this most difficult time in your parenting years.

Is your daughter in a serious (as serious as she thinks one can be) relationship, or is she just having sex for the fun of it? Have you talked to her, or has it been a screaming match and she has shut all forms of communication down? If you are scared to let her out of your sight, lines of communication have been severely damaged. You can't chain her to her house, she will just learn how to be a better liar, and learn how to get around your new rules. Time to get counseling, and learn to talk to each other again and to get past this, or it will last a lot longet than you think. I was 16 once (as we all were, duh) and I had my mother snowed until I was in my twenties, and boy did I have fun doing it! Please get some professional help!

I am having the same problems with my daughter. I don't want her to think I condone the behavior but I also want to leave the lines of communication open between us. I am trying to be supportive but at the same time explain to her that her choices will hurt her emotionally and possibly physically in the long run.

Updated

I am having the same problems with my daughter. I don't want her to think I condone the behavior but I also want to leave the lines of communication open between us. I am trying to be supportive but at the same time explain to her that her choices will hurt her emotionally and possibly physically in the long run.

Well,

You can't unring a bell. I guess you just have to get her protection and explain to her that she has a whole life of experiences in front of her,and that being sexually active at her age just keeps her from having a joyous childhood. Hopefully, she will curb her behavior and work on her grades. College has a lot more to offer her if she takes care of herself now. It would be sad if she had to live with regrets.

L.

Remember this first: She DOESN'T know the consequences. Getting pregnant is not the only consequence to sex. You can try to guard her, but we all know that's impossible. I don't know what relationship you have with your daughter, but talk to her about LOVE (at her age) and how quickly her reputation will be ruined, how she will remember this person only as the first person she had sex with, probably not the first person she made love too.
Don't make her life easy for her to come and go as she pleases. Make her time accountable.
When you take her to the Dr, have the Dr explain all the consequences (disease, death, pregnancies, etc.). Be sure your Dr has time to spend a little talk time with her, not just examination time.
Wish I had the answers, but we all just need to work each thing out with our kids as they come along.
j

Birth control is number 1 at this point, imho. Also, information on std's and safe sex etc is critical. Knowledge is power and if she knows about all the std's out there and the ugly facts about them and how easy some of them are to catch it might even discourage her, at least from becoming really active maybe. I think at 16 it's almost impossible to control their every move, and they are pretty creative at finding ways to circumvent parental control. I would also talk to her about sex and love etc. and about having a positive self image etc. Discussing in a caring way instead of lecturing is also important, I know this from my own daughter. She is much more receptive to my "talks" if they aren't threatening to her. Hope this helps in some way. My daughter is 10 and I am dreading this so much! Good luck.

I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter also. Although my daughter is not sexually active I have discussed the issue with her. I told her that if she were to come to a point that she was going to do that I wanted her to tell me so that I could put her on birth control. I don't think it would encourage her to be any more active than she already would be, it would just protect her from having to be a mother before she is ready. It's a hard thing to have to deal with and I believe communication with your daughter is the key. If she feels like she can talk to you about it then the three of you can come to some sort of solution. I will pray for you.

You could take her by the shelters for homeless people, as a drastic measure. You could try the manpower headquarters job resource too, it's downtown i think. Maybe there are some websites with hiv positive teenagers/youngadults that were infected by unprotected sex....
Those are shock tactics, and i know that teenagers have the invincable me syndrome, but you could try it.
If i were you i'd do the best i could to encourage college/future plans, which would be sabotaged by an unplanned catastrophe for the near future, maybe forever. Also try to give her the best example you can of love between a man and his wife, since promiscuous teenagers seem to be looking for that (i must admit i was, and i was, but i didn't), so maybe she'll be know a turd when he makes a move on her.
You're right to get her birth control, and check out that hpv vaccination too. I'm not an investor, i'm a former patient, and got my disease from hpv, years ago. I knew of it in 1990, and it's pervasive! She may have been exposed already. Just another reason for a trip to the gynecologist.
Good luck, god bless, and once again i'm thankful i have boys...
W.

Get her on birth control now!! You are not encouraging her to have sex, you are protecting her from having a baby at an age where she is not ready for the responsibility. And while you are at it, get her the Gardasil vaccination for the HPV virus. I am a labor and delivery nurse and I see far too many young girls who are sexually active and end up visiting with me because they were not using protection. While there is no 100% way of making sure that she doesn't get pregnant, at least you are taking a proactive stance towards protecting her.
I am not sure where you live, but in my area, we have 2 fantastic nurse midwife groups. They will sit down with your daughter, and you, and discuss all the birth control options available for her. They can be a great resource for information for both of you, while providing the care she needs in a setting that is calm and comforting. Please consider checking into a certified nurse midwife group in your area.

You are right. Do not leave her anywhere alone until she can prove herself to you. Give her the following book to read and make a little writeup about.
'10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Dr laura Schlessinger'.
Give her some books to read about self esteem. Tell her no selve respecting girl does what she is doing.
You should do all you can or else this would be a case of tenage pregnancy.
I sympathize with you. Finally, get your husband to take her to the house of the boy she has been sleeping with, meet his parents and the boy and warn him to leave your daughter alone or else........
that should scare the hell out of him, reveal his secret to his parents and finally let your daughter know that you mean business.

Goodluck
A.

Involve her in the decision making process, but by all means, protect her from life changing consequences. You can talk her through the emotional consequences, but you cannot necessarily protect her from these. Unfortunately, we sometimes learn best from the mistakes we make. Reiterate your family values, but somehow, make it safe for her to talk to you without the judgemental factor erecting a barrier, and hopefully, she will start making smart choices, with or without birth control pills. If she is already sexually active, you need to equip her with adult options.

Hi D.,

I am one of 4 daughters and I know we probably put my mom through hell and back growing up. This is a very tricky subject on how to handle because every girl is so different with this issue and can be very difficult to handle or very easy.
I would definitely put her on the pill. The reason I say that is because she is already sexually active so she's most likely not going to stop now so giving her the pill is not going to make her do it more, but at least be safe when she does.
IF she was not already active, then I wouldn't put her on the pill but again because she is that would be very smart to do!
I became active at 17 and was terrified to talk with my parents about it so I never got on the pill in fear of how they would act if they knew I was having sex. The fear of them making me stop seeing my BF wasn't worth the risk of telling them AND because of the fear of not being able to see him anymore, I ended up pregnant at 17 and had my first child at 18. I'm now 25 and we are still in love and together and just had our 3rd baby but it has been a rough 8 yrs together. I never graduated because of the baby coming and it made school very hard for me so I ended up with a GED.
I love my kids and family to death but do wish at times I had gone further with my education. I know I still can now but it makes it much harder with 3 kids to take care of and they're all still so young.
SO, definitely get her on the pill but don't be afraid to leave her alone. Make sure she knows the risks she is taking and don't give her alone time with her bf but let her know that you want to trust her or she may retaliate against you and that's not good either for a teenager.
I'm sure everything will work out just fine and honestly, there are many teens on the pill these days so don't feel like she's the only one because she's not and it will be the best thing for her if she decides to be sexually active.

Take care and good luck with everything!

Good for you for recognizing the need to protect her. I don't think that by taking her to the dr. and getting her protected is encouraging her to have sex. Every kid grows up and you have to trust that you layed the foundation for them to make good choices. Just have a dicussion with her about why you don't want her to have sex and make sure she understand the consequences. My mom did the same with me and I was always responsible. Although our kids may not do exactly what we want them to do, they hear what we say and will think about. IT sounds like she is a great kid that you trust. I think she would rebel if you started being overly controlling or protective. Good luck to you!

Hi D.- Sounds like you have received some great advice!! First- this must be really hard. Since she is already having sex, you are not encouraging it by protecting her with BC. But she has made this huge decision without a thought of protecting herself, which is where you come in. Congrats on being proactive with your teen. Since she has plunged herself into an adult situation she needs to act responsibly with it. ( Even though getting a teenager to do that is not always easy!) I was a single teen parent with two kids. My parents were emotionally supportive, but let me know I would be responsible for my actions. So, I forced myself to grow up- I got a self esteem- put my kids first- went to college- worked two jobs while doing so and am now the proud parent of a 13 and 11 year old. It has worked out for me, but I gave up my teen years- please let your daughter know what she will be giving up if she is a teen parent or if she gets a disease, not to mention the emotional wear and tear. I hope this helps- let us know how it turns out. All my prayers to you and your family- L.

I think the smartest thing you can do at this time is to put her on birth control pills. Tell her you are not doing this as permission to go out and be sexually active, but you want her to be protected. Make sure she also has condoms. You already know she is having sex, so wouldn't it be better for her to be prepared than to end up a teenage mother or have an STD. You can only keep your eye on her for so long. Talk to her. Be open about sex. Don't make it a bad thing, because then she will rebel.

it would be wise to keep a very close eye on her, whether it's hard or not. there's something that she's missing in her life, i would say not enough attention from her father. but who knows. i would spend more time with her. not let her go out so much...

I became sexually active when I was barely 13. My parents knew pretty soon after that (I got caught a couple different times). Yet they never did anything, all I got was grounded...no talk about safe sex, no mention of BC, consequences, etc..nothing)...so of course I just continued having unsafe sex. I was incredibly lucky to not only not end up pregnant but not get a STD or anything. Of course I didn't know that at the time how lucky I was. I did end up pregnant at 18 because after all those years of nothing happened..stupid me assumed I just couldn't get pregnant. I stayed with her father for 3 years before getting the courage to leave him (he was a loser). I then got back with my 1st love (from Jr high) and we got married in 2003. In the end I had to learn the hard way: regretted partners, unplanned pregnancy, missing out on a lot of childhood/teen experiences, having to drop out of college..
I guess from my experience I think it's great that you are taking her to get on BC, I would definitely take her somewhere that will explain her options and figure out which is best for her at her age. Preferably someone or you will explain about STD's and that even on BC she should also use condoms to prevent them and further prevent pregnancy. Maybe a youth counselor or psychologist can talk to her about making the right choices on who and who not to have sex with (casual boyfriends, long term ones, just friends).

Good luck :)

Bottom line is her body, her responsibility. Reflect that in your speech and know it in your heart. She is the person deciding to use protection and deciding what kind of protection to use. Presumably, you will not be there when it is needed to monitor her behavior.

I was oddly relieved when I learned my daughters were active, because I no longer felt I had to somehow protect their virginity. They had both been educated about their sexuality all of their lives. I had to trust that they had the information they needed and knew that they'd feel comfortable asking me questions or know where to go for the answers if they didn't come to me.

It's just another step in learning to let go and allow them to live their own lives.

It's not too late to start educating your boys about their bodies and their reproductive capacity and responsibilities. Chances are you won't be there to make those decisions for them when they decide to become sexually active either, so they might as well be prepared to make their own wise choices.

I would not worry that putting her on birth control will encourage her. My mother was always very open about talking about sex with me. When I was 15, I was taught how to put on a condom, and practiced on a banana (!). When I was 17, my mother insisted I go on the pill, even though I had never had sex yet. The effect of all of this was to teach me to take it all very seriously. I understood that it was a big decision with potentially serious consequences, and came with a lot of responsibility. I also always knew that I could talk to my mom about it, so it wasn't something I needed to sneak around about. I was, admittedly, sometimes mortified by talking about such things with my mom at such a young age, but it made a good point: if I wasn't ready to talk about it, I wasn't ready to do it. I did end up having sex before marriage, but not super young: I had sex a total of 2 times during college (neither time I was all that comfortable with, but I was always safe, and it taught me to be more agressive about saying no, so I think it's all for the best). The ultimate good of all this is: I got married to the man of my dreams at 30, and got pregnant, on purpose, for the first time at 32. Those early discussions with my mom, difficult as they were, taught me that things like sex, marriage, and children are beautiful and big responsibilities that should be taken on as a choice when one feels ready. Good luck with your daughter, and she will be in my prayers!

If she is (active) anyway, you may as well get the pills, as that isn't going to condone it, just give them with the instructions that you think higher of her than to need them, but they help regulate periods, and in case of a (mistake) sometime you are just trying to proect her, but that you hope her morals will keep her from actually needing them, and then make sure she sees what it would be like to haveto raise a chld on her own, money wise time wise, no fun teen activities, that she would have to watch her own child, as it is her responsibility, the day that she thinks she is old enough to act that way, she is also old enough to be responsible for her actions. (whether you mean it or not, you need to make her think you do)

Even if you take her the doctor, they may not put her on BC if your daughter refuses. On issues of reproductive health, she can refuse and their is not much you can do for that. I would recommend the shot, since you would have to monitor that she is indeed taking the pill everyday.
I think the suggestion on taking her to Gladney is a good idea.
I would also ask her why she so openly disregarded what she has been taught and is not taking her future into consideration. That if she continues this behavior the likelyhood for her to be pregnant is astronomical. You need to let her know that if she gets pregnant, exactly how much help you and your husband will give, and what she will be expected to do. Also, remind her that the boys will help make them but they seldom stick around to help support and take care of them.
I would also "borrow" a baby and let her babysit for about 3 days. Getting up in the middle of the night, taking the baby everywhere. Wearing an Empathy belly might be an added touch.
I would also truthfully, talk to the young man. Your hubby needs to have an old fashioned sit down with him. And you may need to have a talk with his parents if you feel that strongly. I would hope it was only with one boy.
Good luck,
L.

I agree with everyone else on their advice, but I would now start taking her (if your not already) to the ob for yearly paps, and STD testing. I'm 29 and ever since high school when I started going to get my pap. I added the STD testing to protect myself. If your daughter learns early on about how to take care of herself, and get her yearly paps... it will only help in the longer run of keeping her healthy and god forbid early detection of anything. Good luck!!

D., this is a touchy situation My niece was sexually active at 16 also my sister put her on birth control it seems early but as a parent this day in age I think you have to teach them or they will become pregnant im sure if she didn't put her on birth control she would be a grandmother by now. Good luck hope this helps!

You have great advice here. Also check to see if you can find a school that has the infant simulator and borrow it for a week and that will give her an idea of what an actual baby is all about (she has to care for it). After a week of carrying for this baby, she will understand that the "cute" little 5 pound special is not what she thought it would be. She will realize that she is not ready.

Also, you cannot lock her up. If she wants to have sex she WILL find a way even if it is at school behind a bleacher so the bc is good. Even if she goes to a movie she can find a way to have it before she gets home.

Please treat her with respect and no yelling, you too will get though this. As I said to year earlier, welcome to adulthood. The other S.

Coming from someone who was a nightmare as a teenager (I am not saying your daughter is, I just was). The reality is she will do what she wants and is pressured to do regardless. I would put her on b.c. so you don't become a grandmother and she doesn't become a mother prematurely. Remember that you may have educated her on consequences but the mother of friends and boys may have not and as much as we like to think that our kids listen to us, it really is their friends at that age that have the most influence. For me, hindsight is 20/20. If I had a nickle for everytime as an adult I thought ...my mother was right! I would reeducate her .....with pictures... again on the consequences of being careless and not protecting against STDs. I saw a recent documentary about teenage kids and the types of parties they were having and let's just say I can't describe them on this site. And the point of the documentary was they were good kids, good students. Your daughter is 16 and you still have the right to know where she is and w/ who at all times. I feel people often give their kids too much freedom (like I had). I don't mean try and shelter them but hold them accountable for where they are, w/ who, and for what they are doing. It's a good life lesson at that.

D.,
I applaud you for being proactive and getting your daughter on birth control. As a pedi Rn I have seen too many times young girls (as young as 12) pregnant, or with STDs. I understand your dilemma. It is scary to have a daughter who's 16 and sexually active. You want to protect her from everything and the horrible possiblities out there. I think that starting birth control is going in the right direction. Second, I think that taking her to planned parenthood is another option. I know that planned parenthood is very controversial in some of the services they provide but they are very good at talking with teens about the risks of being sexually active. They also have age appropriate eduational materials. I think I would also sit down in a very neutral environment, ie a coffee house, park etc.. and talk to her about why you waited to have sex. Aside from the obvious reasons of unwanted pregnancy and STDS but also the emotional changes that come with sex. I would be very frank with her. I know how uncomfortable it might be but both of you will benefit from it in the long run. I would also talk about the importance of monogomy and that oral sex is the same as intercourse. And, yes, she can and will get STDs from oral sex as well. If she still wants to be sexually active after all of this just make sure that she always uses a condom. If she's going to engage in adult activities then she needs to behave like a responsible adult. Good luck to you.

At this point, your daughter does not need to be encouraged to have sex per se....Taking her to the doctor will provide much needed information about what she is getting into and how she needs to protect herself as she does have a long life ahead of her.

I would suggest a contract that you all as parents and her as the teen sit down and make up guidelines. Make her responsible for all of her actions and the consequences that will come from her positive or negatives actions. Let her know that you love her and want to trust her but she is going to have to do her part as well. Let her know where you as parents stand and what your views are.

This day and age is so different from when we were teens. It use to be that if someone found out that you were having sex, you were talked about negatively but now, if you are the one not having sex you are talked about negatively.

Take a deep breath, pray and then do what you know you need to as parents.

There is a GREAT SHOW out- Baby Borrowers about tenns that want babies- they go from raising an infant to a senior- Not sure what chanle its on but good show for her and the boyfriend to watch. Hey putting her on b/c is very smart- like they say- the horse is already out of the barn- so better to be smart about it. Kudos to you. I would DEFINITELY stress my concerns to the boyfriends parents- they still have the social diseases to worry about. Dont know how busy she is but maybe introducing her to something new like a sport or community volunteering or a job may give her something else to be thinking about as well-and lessen her "free time"- Also- I know of a great device that can be placed onto her car so that you will know if she is "parked" or anywhere she shouldnt be -
I believe its ____@____.com
Don't shut her out and keep curfews- if she is somewhere that she needs to be til 10- then fine - but keep the curfew different for each night and make her have to come to you for the time- Keeps them on their toes and if they just think ok- 11 curfew every night- they'll stay out til 10:59-
You are smart to have the open approach - a sit down with both families may put a bit of a nice coll down on it as well- but ck out that show-
Good luck!

D. S
www.partyangelsus.com
When you want to enjoy your own party - call us!

I remember when I was a teen, being sexually active was more about me being the only one who could 'control' my body as EVERYTHING else in my life was very ridgidly controlled. I would just start talking to her about pregnancy before marriage, how hard it is, etc. and STD's- things that as a teen, I never realized. Show her how awful those girls feel that get pregnant and later have an abortion. I'm sure they have some really scary propoganda video on You Tube about STD's and unplanned pregnancy, a source that a 16 year old will consider very reputable.

I dread the day that I will be in your shoes. :/ I'm not sure I want my daughter taking all of those synthetic hormones and possibly causing cancer (later) and wrecking her endocrine system, but what to do? I'm envisioning condoms in candy dishes at my house! :(

I do think if you take her to the doctor and chat with the prof., it might send a message that to her that you realize you can't stop her from having sex, however you are worried about her choices. Seeing you spend your time and money to do so, might make her realize that she needs to be careful.

D.,
Good for you, there are so many parents out there that would just try to ignore the situation. Like the other ladies this really won't encourage her to be more sexually active. I was one of those teenagers that became sexually active when I was 16 as well. Something you might was to discuss with her is how she might feel in the future if she become too promiscuous now. One of my best friends goes through allot of heartache now due to the fact she was VERY promiscuous while young. Just remind her anything she does now will follow her the rest of her life. See if you can get her to think about a future family, and let her know there are so many girls out there are not having sex. Sometimes teenagers think it's the most important thing in the world right now. Let her know she has the rest of her life to have a great sexual experience, and as goofy as it sounds it's so much better with a partner/husband that you love and he loves you. Good luck.

Birth control is so smart. And no it is not permission. You just have to trust her and treat her with some respect. Keep your communication open and do stay involved. It sounds like you have stayed close so far. Good for you! Teenage years are so hard. A summer job at a daycare or volunteering at the church nursery will help if she has any baby bug. Good luck to you and all the great times ahead. Trust is everything!

I had my first daughter at 16 yrs old and from experience, once they start having sex it is going to be almost impossible to have her go the other direction. Is it realistic that you can never let her go anywhere or leave her alone? Even though you think she is at another girl's house, those parents could be more willing than you to let them roam or they could sneak out. What about skipping school? It happens everyday.

That being said, I would put her on birth control, preferably something like depo or mirena because you do not want her to be responsible for taking something daily.

As much as you do not want to send her the OK message, you also do not want her having to raise a child. That is the most important thing right now, it will alter her life forever.

I would talk with her that you are not giving her the green light that sex is ok, but at this point you have lost trust in her judgement and while she is still your child you have to take every measure you can to protect her future.

I am sorry you have to go through this. Good Luck!!!

Hi D.,
I can relate to what you are saying about being fearful of letting her stay home alone or go anywhere with friends. Its hard to be at ease. I was glad to see you got her on birth control right away thats is excellent. I am not sure how open your family is about talking about sex and all that is related to it, but maybe to keep the lines of communication open with her and maybe to build more trust is to start talking about it as the oppertunity presents it self. Such as on the way to the store or on the way home for school. Be blunt and ask, just grip your self and be prepared to hear thing you dont really want to hear, but you will be opening a door for trust and advice with her. Another perhaps embarresing thing to talk about with her is an alternitive to sex is masterbation and being mutually satisfied with only masterbation vs. actual intercourse. I am not sure any of this will help for your situation as each one is unique, but I do wish you the best and keep high hopes that you will become at ease when your daughter is alone or going out.

Boy I hope Dad is getting involved now, talking to her how the males think; is he taking her on "dates"? Keep a record of all her friends cell phone numbers, home numbers, license plate numbers, if she is late and you start calling all her friends, my son did it once, then his friends called him to tell him to call home! I heard about a book, but I can't remember where :( --the author wondered why males were not growing up like they did in the 1940's, and came to the conclusion it was because 1. females gave them sex 2. parents didn't demand more. I was most interested (having boys) about the 1st reason. It seems that when the female holds the male at arms length (& more) they get frustrated and are willing to commit and be responsible adults (ie. marriage), so it is the female who holds the "power". Dad can explain it best to her. Does your church have any one who can help with counseling? Other than Dad being very involved, your biggest weapon is prayer.

D.,
I don't think getting birth control would encourage her. I was a sexually active teen and my parents got me birth control. I didn't have sex more often, and more importantly I didn't have a baby until I was married and wanted a baby. But I do think you'd be kidding yourself if you think she'll stop having sex once she has started. I think it is definitely important to make sure she understands about condom use and STD's in addition to her birth control. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about sex maybe you could take her to planned parenthood or buy books and encourage her to ask questions if she needs. I now have a 15 y/o daughter and we talk very openly about sex. It was hard at first, especially when they ask about when you first had sex, but it gets easier. Good luck to you!

If you want her to understand the consequences of her actions, you need to talk to her without coming off as being mean or aggressive. Make her feel comfortable talking to you. Let her ask questions. The more educated she is, the better decisions she will make. One thing that always scared me as a teen was getting pregnant or getting some kind of disease. In college when I heard a talk about HIV/AIDS that was a wake up call for me and it scared me into abstaining. What also helped me was being involved in church. Well I hope things work out and she is able to understand that having sex is not something that is for fun. Take care and good luck!

In my opinion a child should be the LEAST of your worries. There are sooo many STDs around today, show your daughter pictures, videos, pamphlets, symptoms, let her talk to people that have contracted them, tell her how painful they are, and lastly make absolutely sure she knows some of them ARE NOT curable! Also, push to her that TONS of people have these and we can not tell, they don't look sick, they don't act different, and they sure the heck don't announce it. Some kids have even had them since birth and don't realize it or don't think anything of it. Tell her the only ways to prevent these STD's is to not have sex or to use a condom very carefully.

After all of this, tell her that you do trust her to make the right choices, and that you KNOW she will make the best decisions she can. Tell her that you will be praying for her and for her future husband. Tell her that she can come to you any time she has a question or a problem. I think I would also make condoms easily accessible, don't make her ask for them... just have them in a secluded place where she can get some anytime she needs them. She may even want to share them with friends.

I personally do not think I would put my child on birthcontrol. If she has a boyfriend, she needs to hang out with him in groups and in public, and not be aloud to be alone with him. I heard that there are cell phones that can actually let you know the location of your child, with some type of tracker.

Please take her to the gyncologist. She can be checked and counseled there. Once the bridge is crossed there will be no return to abstinence. You know yourself that once you experienced a sexual relationship, there is no going back to a nonsex life. She should be put on birth control pills and be aware of diseases that can be spread even though she is not going to get pregnant. The pill does not take the place of safe sex. She needs your trust. Putting her on the pill doesn't say "you are free to have sex", it says that you are concerned, don't want her to disrupt her teen life with a pregnancy, and that since she has made an adult decision, you trust her to begin making adult decisions to have safe sex NOW.

We had 2 daughters who are now out of the teen years. The oldest asked to be on birth control at age 15. I gulped and called our teen medical clinic. The Physician's Assitant assured me that 15 was not too young to be concerned. It's better to ask than to wait for a crisis. We agreed that once she had asked that the thought had entered her mind and we should give her some protection. I am convinced to this day that she knew people on the pill and wanted to join the crowd. She was shy, dated only occasionally and I am sure to this day that she was not sexually active in high school.

We suspected early on that our youngest daughter was active. I asked her about being put on the pill. That opened conversation on safe sex. I only hope that she remembered all that chatting when she was in a relationship. Obviously she did because she is now married and a healthy young adult mother of twins.

For our teenage sons, I bought condoms and put in their bureau drawers. They never had to ask. (I've always been sorry that I didn't do the same for the girls---they should have been carrying them.) In turn we had serious discussions about diseases and the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. We explained in no uncertain terms that if your girlfriend has a baby, you are a father forever and responsible for that child. I have no doubt that our sons knew that we meant that.

In the meantime, our oldest daughter went to college and in her second year was diagnosed with chlamydia (a common VD). She got literature from the university health center and came home and told our other teens just what it was and how she got it. It was the best pertinent sex information we could have ever given our other teen children.

In rereading this it sounds like our children were wild and crazy. They weren't at all. We have no idea how active any of them actually were. As a family, my husband and I decided it was better to protect than try to recover a crisis---pregnancy or disease.

I can tell you that your distrust and fear of letting her go out with friends can backfire. Get to know her friends, talk to them and make them welcome in your home, but don't restrict her from ever going out. She will sense your distrust just as surely as she will sense your trust in her to make informed decisions.

If a child gets a traffic ticket, we don't ban them forever from driving. Both driving and sex are dangerous to teens. We give them confidence and our trust to let them go into the world.

I'm sorry to hear that for your daughter. My heart breaks for her because she doesn't realize what she has given up and she can never get back. I know that pregnancy is the least thing you need to worry about. If she becomes pregnant then you need to have her check for every disease possible. In fact, go ahead and have her checked. There are so many now, most of them do not cures and they can lead to thing such as cervical cancer. I don't think most teenagers understand the risks involved with having pre-marital sex.

Hi D.! I don't think that you are encourage her by having her be safe. If she is on birth control it one way of her being responsible. I do think that you should also seat her down and have a conversation with her about consequence like STD's and pregnancy. I wasn't not sexually actire as a teen but one of the things that discouraged me from it, is I went to work at a daycare when I was very young. I was in the infant 6wk to 12month class. I saw first hand how hard it is to have a child or children. It discouraged me alot. I don't know if this is possible but maybe you can have her volunteer this summer at a daycare so she can get an idea of how hard it is. But tell her you are not giving her permission to be this way, however you want her to be responsible. Maybe you can give her the example that if she sleeps with 5 people and that person had sleeped with 5 people, and so forth, then when she is actually sleeping with over 10 other people. You know what I mean. I know that she knows about STD's most kids her age do, if there was some way of showing her first hand how STD's affect peoples lives, that might be a good idea. Like talking to someone. I don't know it's just an idea. Good luck!

D.:

Why? So you plan to make yourselves prisoners to her bad decision making. Clearly she has found a way to have sex. She can't be "very smart" and "know ALL the consequences" otherwise she would not be 16 and screwing. If you want to be a grandmother soon, do NOTHING! You are being a wuss of a mom if you think that getting her on birth control will encourage the behavior. Look at this very realistically: she is having sex, she will not stop because you want her to, and she will continue with or without your approval. You cannot expect to be watch dog for your daughter and not think that your parenting is totally in vain. Unless you guys let her run the streets with every Tom, Dick and Jane, then consider yourselves having done your parenting part. She made a choice nad she has to deal with the "feelings" asssociated with her actions. Talk to her(again), express your disapproval and then make an appointment for her to get an IUD, the birth control shot, or the birth control implant. The only way I would suggest the pill is that you watch her take it everyday the way psych patients take their meds. Good luck and be encouraged. If you need some stiff tough love yourself, feel free to call me at work ###-###-####.

Love and blessings,
N.

Check out the video Sex Has a Price Tag. It's excellent straightforward talk about the consequences and is well done---even entertaining. There is a website.

Have you thought about true love waits? My mom gave me a ring was a symbol of waiting till I was married. Ok I am going to be honest I didnt wait either though.
She does need to know about what would and could happen..
She does need to know what the bigger picture is.
Keep an open all line of communication open with her dont let her not talk to you about this or make it feel where she cant.

Looks like you have gotten some great advice. The only thing that I might add would be to make sure that she understands that the pill and condom does not protect her from sexually transmitted disease (STD).

I watched a video a couple of weeks ago about STD with my eigth grade students. I got a real education. The STDs are so prevalent in our teenage population, I almost could not believe it. The HPV that is having great impact on todays young women IS NOT prevented by use of a condom!! I did not know that. So certainly the pill will not protect her from these and other STD. You and she just need to be aware.

God Bless you,
H.

As the mom of a now 18 year old daughter who was sexually active at 15(apparently) and had a baby at 16, I urge you to take her to have a pap and be put on birth control!!! No amount of talking from you, or her father is going to make a difference, I asked my daughter EVERY day if she needed to be on bc and she ALWAYS told me she did not do that. Teenagers don't use their brains but if someone else is telling her about the consequences, it may help. We all think we have a great relationship with our teen girls, we think they are being honest with us, when in reality, they wouldn't "tell" us what they were doing no matter what, they think the consequences of what we will think are worse.

Be understanding....she's taking control over her life no matter how right or wrong it may be.

If you guys have a close relationship then just talk to her about the difference between love and just sex. If she has a serious boyfriend then your best bet is to do what you said - take her to a Dr., get her on birth control and probably they will chat a bit with her too about sex.

If she doesn't have a serious boyfried, make birth control an option for her as well. In the end, it's her life and her body and her choice.

Maybe she should read "Forever" by Judy Blume. Almost every girl I knew in High School had read it and it may be good timing.

Good Luck!

First do not take this as being mean or rude. Facts are facts. The boys that are having sex with your daughter do not respect her; would not marry her or comment to a long term relationship with her because of her sexual easiness. If she keeps her legs closed, the ones that are not respectable and wait till she is older or willing to wait to get married, are the ones she does not want for a life time partner or serious relationship. Tell her the males will not die, or have blue testicles, or develop some hirandous disease from lack of sex. They will move on to another girl when she stands her ground and have MORE RESPECT for her and possibly themselves. Ask her if she would allow her sixteen year old daughter to have sex. What pleasure is a teenage boy/girl getting from sex anyway? Also, have her talk to girls that have babies and the freedom they no longer have ie sleepless nights, dates, going here/there... extra money... If the guys or her peers make fun of her for standing her ground, tell her to ignore them which will make them madder but she will be the better person by ignoring them. Having sex will make her less popular and attrack the wrong type of males/females. Have her take a good look at those people in her class that she thinks is having sex and if they are respected in a good way. Make her get a part-time job and pay x-amount of money for a particular household bill ie water bill because it can be the lowest of the household utilies. Hang in there parents. Parenting is not easy. Read Dr. Phil www.drphil.com He can be a turkey but there's a lot of good old fashion sense in a lot of what he says.