Teenage Sex Issues

My own children are way too young for this but I teach high school and have a lot of experience counseling kids about these issues (I am a biology teacher and do sex ed curriculum). Unfortunately, from practical experience with this age group, abstinence is not very realistic, and if that is the only thing you discuss, your daughter is at a great disadvantage. Believe it or not, many kids have already engaged in fairly advanced sexual behaviors by 14 1/2. The average age of losing virginity in the United States is 16.2 years. That being an average, that means there are many kids getting a much earlier start. It's funny, but in European countries which have much more organized sex ed programs and spend a lot more time educating their young people about condom use, their age of losing virginity is a whole year later, which blows the theory that if you teach kids about sex and birth control they are more likely to do it. Hormone levels at your daughters age are extremely powerful, as is peer pressure. I think it is a good idea for you to really talk honestly about sex with her, but I would try to get an idea of what she has already done, before you gear the talk below her experience level. If she is thinking of becoming sexually active, I would recommend getting her on the pill. It is not a license to have sex, it is an insurance policy for something that is very likely to happen. I have had 10 pregnant students in the last 5 years, and half of them have been freshman. It is very sad to watch, at this age the kids are too immature to realize that having a baby is more than buying cute tiny clothes. I also agree that if you come down hard on this your daughter will be more likely to rebel. You wouldn't believe the places we have caught kids having sex at school! The elevator, the library, the bushes, behind buildings...I am not exaggerating. The kids in the library were on the ground in the book stacks! Good luck, this is always hard because our little kids are wanting to engage in adult behaviors, and that is hard to accept.

I don't have any words of wisdon to help you cope with this one - all I can offer is my support in whatever you do. I do believe that communication is THE most important aspect of your relationship with your daughter. So keep that in mind. Be very open with her - share with her your point of view and when you listen to her - be objective. Teens have feelings and their complaint is that parents don't listen...so listen without any prejudices and see what she is really saying. I don't think it's the act of sex itself that draws them, I think it's more of the "prestige" of being Loved so if you know what she is really saying, it will give you the space to be authentic & honest with her about being responsible for any actions she takes. Many women (myself included) take granduer ideas about the first time and then the reality sets in - it's painful, the guy leaves you or visa versa, you can get a "reputation", etc. etc. Anyhow, please keep us all posted. And good luck!

Shanna, Debra, A....and all the rest who have responded:

Bravo! I agree with you all. At 14 you are like a puppy with your feet too big...emotions run large and common sense can be all too easily influenced.

Besides talking with your daughter... spend time with her ..and spend time with she and her boyfriend. Make him your best friend too. Invite him to come on family things so you can see them together and he can see how much you cherish your daughter as well as observe your standards. My mother did this when I was 18 and... although he and I broke up shortly thereafter...she and my ex-boyfriend are still good friends today...that was 30 years ago.

Good luck!

sex isn't bad, ignorance is.
MAke sure she knows EVERYTHING about safe sex. Make sure she is aware she doesn't HAVE to have sex if she really doesn't want to.
I switched my daughter to an adolescent specialist from her pediatrition. Insurance still covered it. It really helped getting information for both her and me from a md that has experience specifically with people her age
Sometimes kids (boys and girls) need to know it is ok NOT to be ready for sex.Sometimes a teen may feel like they have to have sex. But, sex is a normal,HEALTHY, thing.
Growing up is hard, but, we all want our children to grow up to have healthy attitudes about sex, their bodies and their choices.
That's my soapbox ;)!
form,
A. e

Today our society is telling our teens that it is OK to have sex if you feel you are in love with the other person. Unfortunately, that is why we have so many problems with STD's, teen pregnancy and suicide. My advice would be to tell her that her virginity is something very special and should only be given away when she is ready to get married. I believe marriage should come first before sex but even if you don't believe this way you can still tell her that waiting until a time when she could possibly get married is better. She may feel that having sex is the only way to prove to her boyfriend that she loves him. Something that I heard once was that boys play at love to get sex and girls play at sex to get love. In todays world, the earlier she has sex and the more partners she has the more chances she has of messing up her body and her soul. There are many teens out there that have boyfriends that are not having sex. Encourage her to be one of those. Explain the risks of having sex these days and assure her that you want the very best for her.
A little about me:
I have two teenage boys, 16 and 18 and they are both virgins and are waiting until marriage to have sex.

I don't think you can 100% prevent her experimentation, just educate her about the risks associated with it explain to her that you cannot make sure that she doesn't but you're asking and not telling her not to, try to enroll her in a class where they make their students carry the fake babies for a week, visit labor and delivery, and do a visual pap so they can discuss birth control, set up an appointment at one of the places that take in young mothers and their babies and see if they will talk to her, or a doctor that does abortions, I did that and it worked with my sister, but I got pregnant at 14 and found out the hard way. Talk to the guys parents and see if they support him experimenting. Maybe she just needs more of you and is looking for attention, take some more time with your girl just you and her, make some lifestyle changes, I been where she is and as an adult and a mother wish that my parents spent more time involved in my other interests and cultivated those instead of doing what they felt was taking care of me. Pay her more attention than her boyfriend can, she's worth the time and two hours that you may have to take off work, get in her business and don't act angry, my parents had divorced and I loved the negative attention because it was attention.

Intervene Mom! Now! Teenage pregnancy and teenage aids is on the rise for sure. don't let your daughter become a statistic. Reassure her that she will fall in love many times in her life. She will not believe you at all because lust with a 14 year old is overwhelming. Hopefully you have talked openly about teenage pregnancy. if not start talking. Girls think it might be cool to have a little baby to take care of but when they are up all night with a screaming child thier thought change and then it is too late. Show her pictures of people with aids and teenage mom stories that are not so glamorous. show her everything you can to discourage her from having sex now. she is too young! Talk to the boys parents if you have to and brainstorm ideas. Be on her side though if she does choose to sleep with him. teach her about safe sex...condoms and birth control pills. Better to be open about it because if she feels she has to hide it from you she is bound to make a mistake. sounds like you already know this. Good luck!

Abstinance is a great idea if it works, so give that a try. The truth is many kids decide to have sex despite their parent's words. So the reality is if you have tried to teach your daughter to abstain and she is still determined then it is time for plan B, keep her safe. I truly believe a certain level of reality/fear/respect for what she is considering is important. I was raised in San Francisco in the '80s and saw first hand what dying from AIDS looks like. It is scarey but it should be, AIDS is a scary thing and in this age people have heard it so many times thay have become desensitized to the reality. I did choose to become sexually active as a teenager (despite my mother's every effort to deter me) but not once did I even consider not using protection. While no protection is 100%, it is a far cry better than not using it. Having a sexually active teenager is not bad parenting, but it is your job to give her every tool out there to keep her safe.

as upset as u are about this try to keep ur head. getting upset and tell her no will only make her want to do it more. try to take some time for u and her yes it might be hard but think of it this way it will be harder to be a grandma, and let the plans for her that u have go out the window use revers psychology on her to find out what u can with out her knowing it might not work or it might but give it a shot b4 ur grandma. S.

Dear sexual person,

Have you raised your daughter to be able to rely on her self?
To be able to reason well?
Have you urged her to be her own counsel?

Have you taught her that she is ultimately responsible for anything she creates in life ?(Cause and effect of the cause) ?

If the answer is yes, let her make her own choices. if it is no, maybe you could agree that these are super important ground rules for living a life like a captain of ones ship.

Sex takes some learning, at least she communicates with her boy and he back. better than getting drunk with some stranger.

You want to be her friend for life? Make her connection to you completely safe ie don't evaluate for her, allow her to have her own viewpoints,allow her to speak freely, just be there ready to advise but make sure the final decision is her own. and if it blows up, teach her how to forgive herself and make some new rules for her self.

I don't know anyone who went back to their mommy to blame her for their loss of their cherry. ( and I would not care to know anyone who would target so wrongly, unless their mother actually removed their hymen) :)

Consider starting her on the pill, tough thought I know, but she is open enough to tell you, now the right thing to do is give her the right tools.

My son lost his virginity last summer at 14.5, she was wonderful, it was not hidden from us, Nor did we try to stop his evolvement. I had already taught him all about condoms and how to put them on( cucumber)and had plenty in supply for him. She was on birth control and was 1.5 years older than him

It was an awesome honor to be available before and after as his pal and advisor. he is becoming a man and I have not lost him to the abyss of "teen enemy" traits.

I intend to continue to teach him and the rest of my five kids any thing they want to know and then some... about this highly dramatized subject.

( G- spot is the next sketch) :) I mean it :)

Lost of luck, your daughter is joining the ranks of womanhood, continue to treat her like a sister.

Love H.