Teenage Son Anger Sports

Tracy,

My heart goes out to you with regard to the anger issues. My daughter who is 16 has had some of the same issues but not with sports. I have had to look at it as she is a teenager and her body is experiencing a lot of changes. We have worked through many of her issues through therapy and one of the things that I found out is, she has had a hard time being able to articulate her feelings, she was not able to explain how she felt and why. She was diagnosed with ADD at an early age and I fought with the school system to get her an IEP, Individualized Education Program, which she qualified for. The kids at school always teased her when she was in elementary school. I also had
her tested for Autism although she was not the candidate of a true Autistic child she demonstrated
that she did have communication deficits, her brain not being able to process things properly.

She also experiences medical issues that we still deal with but I would have to say that there is hope and unconditional love, plus at least 10 possitive affirmations are needed to cancel out 1 negative.
Your son wants to measure up to his dad and follow in his footsteps and he wants you to be proud of him. He wans his dad's approval and support. He wants and strives to measue up but his own, I call it,"stinkin thinkin", kicks in and the anger soon follows. God's word says to think good thoughts,
pure thoughts, lovely thoughts and that, I tell my daugjhter, You can do all things through Christ because He will strengthen you. Does dad show him affection, say he loves him, hug him, play and wrestle with him? Every families dynamics is different, sometimes the child does things for the
benefit of getting your attention and it doesn't matter if its negative at least they got some response from you.

I have also been a foster parent for years and one thing I did experience was the children had a lot of anger. This is one thing I did do. I purchased a punching bag hung it in my basement and told my children, its ok to be angry, validating their feelings was very important, BUT, you do not take out your anger on someone else, you keep your hands to yourself, or feel like the other person is going to have to pay because they made you so angry. Hog wash! You check yourself-STOP before the anger escalates or remove yourself to the basement and punch the heck out of the punching bag until you feel better and those bad feelings go away, then come back and we can talk about how you are feeling. I have to say it did work for them to channel that energy. One of my kids channeled her anger in vacuuming, Hey it worked for me and her, then she would talk it out.

Your son needs to realize he is his own person, wonderfully made, one of a kind, special, and loved.
He is not his dad, he has to take responsibility for his actions, (the kid with the anger issues), it seems that he is sabotaging his own future. Has he been diagnosed with being Bi-Polar, like being two different people? Here is a little something that may give him a mental picture on when he is feeling frustrated.

ANGER

A - Address it. "Why am I feeling like this? Check yourself.

N - Never. Never, Never, Never, Never, Never

G-Give into it

E-Easy, Easy, Easy, Easy......Then it's easy to......and your choice!

R-Rebound-You are the one in control.

YOU CAN BE IN CONTROL!

It is your choice.

A mental picture for you to share with your son. A big German Shepherd dog comes to you all friendly, loving and wagging his tail. He is very inviting to you isn't he? Makes you want to pet him and love on him doesn't it? Then all of a sudden, for no real apparent reason he starts to snarl and show you his white teeth, hair standing up on his back and he lunges forward to bite you, wagging his tail. That is ANGER. Anger is ugly, it affects others and hurts you.

ANGER is the tail wagging the dog, its out iof control. Now how does that make you feel?

I hope this helps. The dog picture always helped my kids understand it in simple terms.

I am just a mom trying to help another mom who loves her child. Be strong, Be bold and Never give up!

I know your son loves his sports but may I suggest to you a sideline activity for him, Martial Arts.....they do work on teaching self control and dicipline.

I will be praying for you and your son. He has a wonderful mom and he will be a SUCCESS!

Hang in there.

D. R. from West Chester, Ohio

I just did a quick check on cognitive therapy and it seems that there are three types. One called RET might be beneficial. You might also to check out another therapy called EMDR. ( http://www.emdr.com ) It's supposed to be very effective at helping people get past traumatic experience. EMDR might help him with his memories of failing when he was younger and the subsequent teasing. From what you've said, that seems to be the root of his problem. The EMDR website has trained practitioners listed by state. Good luck to him!

Hi T.,

It is great to know that your son has such a caring mother-a big plus! Also, the therapy and medication look like part of the answer to the puzzle so your son is already halfway there. The other suggestions from others responding will also seem useful. In my clinical practice, I specialize in sports psychology and stress management, so I will throw my two cents in here for what it is worth. The first idea that comes to mind is to have your son practice something called progressive relaxation with imagery which will allow him to become more aware of his heart rate, breathing, and responses to stimuli (a bad call, a missed shot, etc.). The second idea would be to have your son talk to successful college athletes and to find out how they deal with success and failures or how they react to it. If that is not available, have him watch youtube of his favorite players and how they respond to both success and failures. That will allow him to model positive behavior from people/athletes that he looks up to. I did create a resource that addresses the previous ideas at www.stompstressaway.com . If you try it out, the second bonus on there is a 15 minute demonstration on progressive relaxation and visualization that your son can practice. There is also an interview on there with Darren Daulton who played major league baseball for 14 seasons, won the World Series, and was a 3 time all star. That 1/2 interview talks about successfully preparing for games and dealing with both success and failures. I am sure that if you do a google search for sports psychology that there might be similar programs out there (sme paid, some not-mine is $9.95 a month to cover web expenses and interview guests). The important thing that you are already doing is being proactive which will lead to a greater chance for a successful outcome.
Kind Regards,
C. B., Ph.D.
www.stompstressaway.com

Wow, a complicated issue with a complicated history.

As I read, I had the impression that too much is riding on your son's success in sports. His own self-esteem, AND his father's admiration, AND the respect of his classmates, AND pleasing his coach, AND his educational future – my gosh, that's a lot. And when he fails to control his temper under all that pressure, he gets punished, by his coach and at home. If that were me, I would be seeing myself as a dismal failure.

That's just an observation, and I'm not sure what might be done about it. But I am thinking that when I first read "I'M OK, YOU'RE OK when I was 26, it opened new understanding and possibilities for me. It teaches the basics of Transactional Analysis, which helps you see three different ways in which we all respond / react to any situation. We contain a Child, who is creative, joyful and spontaneous, but not disciplined. We contain a Parent, who is totally about discipline, shoulds, and oughts, and can be punitive and joyless. And we contain an Adult, who is able to evaluate a situation with dispassionate wisdom.

Once I realized I could choose the most appropriate of those responses for any situation, I felt radically empowered. My self-control blossomed, and my self-esteem along with it. I was able to look at old memories that had controlled me through fear and shame, and begin to heal them. That was truly transformational for me. I can't help but wonder if your son might not benefit from reading that book, or working with someone who can help him read and understand it, if he has trouble with readin.

Here's more detail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_OK,_You%27re_OK

Denise R seems very wise. I also wondered if he has had therapy with the anger management. My brother in law went to therapy for that. Your son must have high expectations for himself. Things will get tougher as he gets older if he doesn't learn some techniques or change his thinking or expectations.