Needs Help Learning to Control His Temper.

My boys are physical too---the way we handle it is this: When tempers flare--we talk about it. Or shout if we need to. I say---it looks like your really angry. What are you angry about. They tell me--I say ok hun, lets get the madness out- give him a tennis racket with a pillow and let him beat it til he isn't angry anymore. Or let him scream into the pillow. Either way, it comes out physically and it isn't harmful to him or anyone else.

Another thing that works is jump right into counting or doing abc's. Kids never want to let the mom finish counting before them or doing the abc's. So you can interrupt and say loudly a random number like 34, 35, 36.....GL

M

It is hard when the anger comes over them so quickly. You can't search for a pillow to hit when you're super angry! The only thing I've done is I tell them to jump up and down and yell "I'm so angry!" It seems that yelling is a way that humans expel emotion naturally, and it has been proven that yelling does expel energy and helps to reduce anger. That being said, society has told us we can't yell!

The good news is he's only 4.5 and he'll probably get used to controlling his anger by the time he gets old enough for yelling to be taboo. I like having the child jump up and down, not stomp, because jumping uses up a lot of energy. You try jumping up and down! The harder you try to jump, the more tired you become.

I think jumping up and down is a safe way to expel his anger right on the spot. It won't hurt anyone, you don't have to search for a pillow. And if he jumps up and down long enough..he might just end up laughing!

Hi PB&J,

You said it is only a problem at home. Why do you think that is? I am NOT saying there is something wrong with what you are doing.... but if he ONLY does it in one location that means he CAN control it in the other locations, right?

So - what does he do if he gets angry and you are not at home? How does he control it.... or what is it that you (or other caretakers) are doing differently outside of the home than when you are at home?

As far as martial arts - my daughter was in martial arts and loved it. They are all about teaching discipline and respect etc. However I'm not sure they will work with someone who has an actual anger problem - not sure though. I would call and talk with the sensei (not sure if that's how you spell it - the sensei is the lead teacher basically) and see if it's something he would recommend.

I would almost suggest an individual sport - like swimming or gymnastics that is physically demanding and he can channel all his energy into that.

Good Luck.

One thing is to repeat, people are not for hitting. Make it a house rule -so that he's not the only one hearing this.

When he gets angry, especially before it escalates, encourage him to 'use words.' An example would be if his sister knocks his block tower over, he could say, 'that makes me SO angry when you wreck what I'm building.' If he can't find the words, you can say words you think he's feeling. Sometimes they're just too mad to be able to put the feeling into words. You could say, 'it REALLY upsets you when your sister destroys what you've worked so hard on.' It can really help to diffuse his anger. Some studies show that hitting a pillow, screaming etc. escalates the anger they're feeling. I'd suggest things that diffuse it. Best of luck, S.

I hope you will read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is abundant with real-life examples of how parents helped set the conditions for a child to address his problem himself. Children can be creative problem solvers, and are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, more likely to work at making them a success.

If he has a quick temper, he will still need your support and patience. But you might be surprised how effective it can be to put more of the responsibility within his reach. I've watched some pretty remarkable turn-arounds in a few families with really touchy kids, in a couple of cases, not much older than your son.

One other thing that may possibly be making a difference: He may have sensitivities to foods, preservatives, artificial colors, or air-borne chemicals in his environment. Many of the ingredients of our modern lives are actually pretty toxic, and many are irritating or stimulating to the central nervous system.

This can have a profound effect on mood. I know from first-person experience, and have watched children in group testing situations simply fall apart or blow up minutes after having a drop of some dilute chemical squirted under their tongues. You might try using only unscented laundry detergent, no fabric softeners (most of these are extremely toxic), and try using baking soda or white vinegar for most household cleaning for a few weeks to see if this makes a difference.

Hunger and insufficient sleep also have detrimental effects on mood and self control. And long/frequent exposure to television and on-screen games seems to be clearly detrimental to some children.

Some kids are just more at odds with themselves, through no fault of their own. Most will grow into greater self-control with persistent help from parents and teachers.

I wish you all well.

My son also had anger issues and once he got going he couldn't calm down - at our wits end we took him to see someone regarding behavior modification and 6 months later it is like having a new child - his melt downs are almost nonexistent. It took a lot of work to get to this point but it was worth every bit of it. We found someone that worked with us financially as most insurance do not cover therapy for children unless with a Psychiatrists.

My nephew, 10, has a temper, too. He gets easily agitated so my sister tried to get him into sports to work off his energy, and he wanted nothing to do with them. Then she noticed the tae kwon do studio nearby and took a look. She likes that the instructor tells the children you don't use it to hurt someone purposely, it is for self-defense if attacked, and that he stresses self esteem, not might, and self-control. He also stresses listening and following directions, and obedience and respect of parents.

The great thing about it is that the kids really get a workout in class, and if my nephew gets out of hand at home she tells him to practice (as he's supposed to anyway) which helps relieve his aggression. Right now he's preparing to test for his orange belt, and the thing he's working on the hardest is to be able to break wood, which really helps him with channeling his aggression.

My son has immediate emotional responses like this. For the hitting, we established a standard consequence. He's a bit older than your son so we were able to sit down and determine a consequence together when he was rational. We agreed on missing a meal if he hits. I have to follow through with it every time without fail. The hitting has decreased to almost not at all because he really hates to miss a meal. Since he had a part in determining the consequence, he is more accepting of what it is.

For the immediate emotional response, we've spent a lot of time talking through what happened (after he de-escalates) and discussing alternative responses. It was suggested to me about a year ago that role playing helps cement things in the mind. So, when we discuss an alternative response, I ask him to practice it. In the last few months, he's begun to slow down the emotional response or make it shorter. I'm starting to hear things like, "Wait, I didn't really mean what I said. What i really mean is...." and "No. What I just did wasn't good. I'm going to do ____ instead."

This has taken a year and a half of consistency so it's not an immediate solution but it's beginning to completely pay off. Our house is significantly more peaceful and my son says that he feels better when he stops himself from inappropriate behavior rather than me having to intervene. We're also seeing a difference in his ability to interact with peers, also as a result.

Hope that helps.

All three of my sons took taekwondo. All three are second degree black belts. As a mom going through this with them, there's a lot to be gained.
In sparring, they learn to control EXCESSIVENESS. Otherwise they'll lose points in a tournament. This is about self control.
I highly recommend this as a channel. If you didn't live so far I would suggest the program my guys went through. The classes are in Northville and South Lyon, and somewhere in Highland.
There's competition to show what you've learned and how well.
And there's discipline-----pushups---when someone is disruptive or out of line. Why push ups? Because in doing so, the student benefits from the physical while she/he is hopefully getting to understand there are boundaries, and that just any old behavior will not be acceptible. So really there's a win win situation.
If distance isn't an issue and you want more info, email me

Does he know what he can do when he's frustrated or angry? What are his options? Is able to verbalize that he is mad, angry, frustrated, not getting what he wants....etc?

First he needs to be able to say what he feels. Then, he needs to know in advance what he CAN do when he feels this way.

You know the #1 taboo emotion in our society? Anger, because very few of us know what to do with it.

Can he punch a pillow, his bed, stomp the floor in his room? Can he shout "I'm angry!!!!!!!" ? He needs to be able to react physically. Boys, especially at this age, need to. Run, kick the ground, yell at this toys, etc, etc.

Does he feel safe expressing these emotions? Is anger allowed? That is actually more of a defuser than all of the above.