While my husband and I were away he asked his teenage son to stay at our home to let at the dogs on our last night away. When we came home it was obvious there had been a party and people had slept in our beds. He admitted to having a party but denied alcohol use. He allowed teen couples to stay in our beds. We have been very clear with him that he is not allowed to have anyone over when we aren't home. I'm disgusted that kids were using our home/ beds to have sex and that he lied to us.
What makes things worse is that we are a blended family so our parenting styles are different. His son never has been punished or dealt with consequences following a lie or defiance. In fact, my husband said " isn't this just a right of passage?"
He is angry at me for being upset. While his son is happy and if confronted with an actual punishment will stay at his moms.
Help!
To answer a few questions, the teen is 18 and we had a family friend care for our dogs. My husband never asked/ told me that his 18 to would stay the last night to watch dogs. If he had I would have said " no" and hired our neighbors daughter. We have had other incidents in the past with him. Therefore I dont trust him to be responsible.
You are right, the problem is with my husband. I have an opinion of what the punishment should be but am not backed up by my spouse. I felt that we should take his electronics away. Also, since he used our home like a hotel then we should come up with an amount that would cost him. He would have to pay that amount back by doing chores at minimum wage equivalent. My husband disagrees and washed the bedding himself which I thought was an awesome idea for the kid to do. He said that he will give him some chores but I'm not sure what that amounts to yet
Thank you for your opinions and ideas. Ill keep you updated
I would like to contact his girlfriends mother since they say her mom is fine with her 17 yo staying at a bf house. Last week his mother gave him graduation money towards college. He used this to take his 17 to gf and himself to Catalina for 3 nights! He refuses to get a job, doesn't want a car bc he'd have to work to pay for gas. I can't stand it but his parents have this " atta boy" attitude and are worried if they correct him, " he will resent us".
Rite of passage. I would make rules that I could live with that would be reasonable. No police, no one drives drunk or high, no police and NEVER in my bed. I think it is simply unrealistic to expect kids will never have anyone over if the house is empty. Alternatively - you could never go away.
I did the same thing when my parents went to Mexico when I was 17. I think as long as the police weren't called and there was no property damage you are doing fine.
I'd be enraged at both him and your husband. No, it's not a rite of passage. It's sneaky and disrespectful. I would guarantee that there was alcohol there no matter what he says so it was also illegal and irresponsible.
It's too bad you can't ground him because he has another place to go. I love the idea of making him clean up though - wash all of the bedding (including comforters and blankets) and re-make every bed in the house, shampoo the carpets, scrub the kitchen floor, dust every surface, etc. Basically make him clean your house from one end to the other and outside too. Seems like a good natural consequence to me.
I never made a rule for my kids that they would not have friends over while we were out of town. It isn't going to happen, you will always catch them, and here you are.
Instead I put limits. Co ed, fine, but not in our beds. Drinking, not under our roof but if a friend shows up who has been drinking they spend the night. Things like that.
I would have had puppies if kids slept in the beds. Those puppies would have puppies if those kids had slept in my bed. Just seems easier to accept that yes, it is a right of passage, so make the rules so that you aren't grossed out, no children are born in nine months, and no one gets drunk and dies.
Your actual issue is with your husband.... Next time get someone else to dog sit.
Ewwww! I'd let this son stay at his mom's and hire a nice neighbor kid to look after my pets.
Even if my husband thought this was a rite of passage I'd say: not in my house.
The book, "How to talk so your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk" by Faber and Mazlish is full of ways to communicate with your teens. It sounds like some of the ideas might help you communicate with your husband as well.
L., if your husband doesn't agree with you, there is nothing you can do about it. It's done, so best to let it go at this point. Next time you go away, don't have your stepson house sit.
They weren't necessarily having sex in the bed, just sleeping there, maybe. Clean the sheets, and let it go. Not worth the fight with your husband.
Again -- just don't let him house sit in the future.
I agree 100% with JB. He should clean that entire house from top to bottom, take the trash out, remake every room once it's all been deep cleaned. Think of it as a late spring cleaning.
There should also be the new hard and very fast rule that he will NOT be in your home (since he's happy to run to mommy's when the mood strikes or he's in danger of facing a natural consequence to his actions, which even my THREE YEAR OLD son understands) when you guys are out of town again. He can go to mommy's house, or a friend's house, but there will be no access to random kids doing random things in your home again. That would be my new and unbreakable rule.
As for a rite of passage, that is incorrect. I was not only a "regular teen" in school, but immediately after graduation, because of a terrible terrible event, I became an absolute falling down, CONSTANT drunk. I didn't know how to cope with my pain, I was basically suicidal with my lifestyle, I had a diagnosed breakdown. I did drugs, I drank copious amounts of alcohol daily, and I slept with many many people for nearly a year, until I got help and ended up off the street and back on a livable path. But I never, ever, ever, ever disrespected my mother's home and drank, used, or screwed in my mother's home. Ever. My dad's, yes----not because he was permissive by any means, but because it was my way of showing my disdain for him. My mom's house? NO. That's not a rite of passage, it's a sign of disrespect.
Teen? 13 - 15-17-19?
If you specifically said no guests no parties AND he agreed.. then I would never ask him to do this again and let hm know, he will never be allowed to stay alone over night again in your home.
The lying really shows his immaturity.. And so I guess he needs to be treated that way.. As an irresponsible immature child.
IF he is 18 or over.. then you will just need to keep in mind, he is not the person to trust alone in your home overnight. If you have a security system, you can change the code so that he cannot come and go when you all are not there.
Be very honest with him how disappointed you are with his behavior and he will now have to earn your trust to regain it.
And of course he should be responsible for cleaning up and replacing anything missing or damaged.
You and your husband need to be on the same parenting page. It sounds as if this should've been something addressed prior to you two getting married. Regardless if you've only been together a short time or a long time the fact is you are essentially trying to parent someone you cannot. You cannot change the way the son works nor can you change the way your husband is.
You need to work together with your husband and seeing as he sounds like a kid himself in this matter you need to ask yourself how big of an issue you desire to make this instance.
I am sorry to hear what happened in your home, but that is the risk you take when leaving an unreliable child home.
I do not have a teenager yet but when my daughter is,i will be upset.Now.You should punish him.If it was my daughter she would clean every thing she made a mess on.She would clean the sheets etc.I would also call the parents of the other teens that were there.
Yuck! Sleezy kid and sleezy H. I'd find another bed to sleep in.
Guess he will be staying at his Moms indefinitely.
We had parties in my friends house every time mom and dad went out of town. As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, the lights went out, strobes went on, the music went up, some times the cardboard came out and they started breaking in the living room or garage. And, let's be honest, the drinks came out.
It's not excusable, but if you leave teens alone with a place to gather...they may throw a party.
It is his son and the punishment is his responsibility, unless he has given you that authority.
I'm pretty much in Flaming Turnip's camp on this one. By the time my daughter was old enough to stay overnight alone, she was sexually active.
Boyfriend could come over, but they used HER bed, not mine. Friends could come over, but if the neighbors called the cops, it was HER problem, not mine.
Never came home to a problem.
I don't know that I'd call it rite of passage, but it doesn't surprise me at all that he had a party. It's certainly not something every teenager would do if left home alone, but there sure are plenty out there who do. Parents out of town = party. Most of the time, party = alcohol. Alcohol + teenagers = sex, or at least heavy fooling around. And sadly, once you've gotten to that point, you'd probably find them in any bedroom.
That doesn't make it right and doesn't mean there should be some consequences, probably isn't necessary. Since you made it clear to him that no one was allowed in the house, come up with an appropriate punishment for that. He may deny alcohol use, but I'm guessing you could find evidence that he lied about that too. Maybe the kids in the beds were too drunk to drive home. It's disgusting to have teen couples in your beds, but it's better than having them drive drunk.
What do you think an appropriate punishment would be? Taking something away is unrelated and ineffective. I'd make him clean the whole house, including washing all sheets and taking comforters to the dry cleaner at his own expense. You can give him extra chores around the house too, if you want, but I think you'll have a hard time convincing dad to make him do it.
Next time you go away, ask a neighbor to help with the dogs or put them in a kennel.
Chalk it up to a learning lesson. He's 18, you both chose to leave him alone in your home. Right or wrong, there was probably a 99% chance he was going to have people over. That's what teens do when their parents are away. My daughter is 6, but I don't intend to leave her alone in our home for a VERY long time. I remember being that age, and we were always at people's houses when their parents were away. It doesn't make it right, but it is reality.
All I can say is that you are in for a VERY long ride! Bet that kid will still be living with you rent-free or close to it for a very long time to come!
There isn't much you can do. The kid is not going to change - why should he? Hubby is not going to change? Why should he?
You are either going to have to accept it or get out of it. Don't think there are any other options.
I wonder what your husband will say when his son gets fired over and over for lying to his boss and not conducting himself appropriately out in the business world. Since he never gets consequences for his behavior, he won't try to toe ANY line at his work. Will this just be a "right of passage" too?
Your husband needs to get his head out of his rearend. His enabling behavior will only hurt his son. And being angry at you for being upset? What is he thinking? How would those parents feel about their daughters spending the night without parents there? If you know the families, you should call the mothers and tell them what happened. THAT is a consequence this young man should have to bear.
I'm in the clean the whole house and wash all the bedding, starting with my bed, by himself, camp.
You don't say how old the teen was. If he was 15 or under this is totally your fault.
At 16 or 17, this is not acceptable. But his birth mother must have known he'd be in the house alone and didn't seem to object, right?
If 18 or 19, then different story. He would be an adult and there is nothing you can do except not ask him to watch the dogs again.
If this is not acceptable to you, then next time you go out of town make arrangement for step-son to be supervised in his mothers home and pay a young kid in the neighborhood to watch the dogs, who will be happy for the extra cash.
The way I see it, there is not much you can do at this point, except take the knowledge you now have of your step-son and not let it happen again. He has broken your trust and you will act accordingly in the future.
The problem began when your husband decided to lie to you -- because by not telling you he asked his son to come over, he committed a "lie of omission," omitting telling you what he KNEW would upset and anger you.
Ever heard the expression, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"? The son is spoiled and self-centered. The father is self-centered too, getting what he wanted (letting son do the dog-sitting) and getting it by lying to you, his wife.
I would tell husband it's time for counseling for the two of you. Counseling is an absolute must if there are younger kids involved here (are there?) or they will grow up as wild as the older boy. As for son: He is an adult, legally. He's old enough that he can be kicked to the curb and told that he can get a job and an apartment if he wants -- if he doesn't want, he can run to mommy. How lame. He's being enabled by weak parents. But your home should not be violated this way because they're weak and afraid to offend their manipulative adult son.
If your husband can't see that it was a huge violation of personal space and privacy to have strangers in your bed -- you need to reconsider being married to this guy. He's a wimp with his own son, lies to you, avoids confrontation (with either you or son), and has zero sense of why you feel deeply violated. Is he really a keeper? Really?
