Teenager - Cincinnati,OH

Hi G.. Well, I got a few answers myself from reading your responses. I think you just never know the answers until you've been there and then sometimes we make mistakes!! I have a son that's almost 21 (too bad he didn't come with instructions!) and my second is 18, third just turned 13 and another that is 9 yrs old, all boys. It's been a learning experience and still is. Each is so different. My oldest would threaten to move out and he did several times, the third time he wanted to come back, I said no. He's had a little girl since and she is a sweetheart which I didn't want anything to do with. (Don't ever threaten this because you won't be able to stick to your words.) Anyway, he has grown up and done for himself and works because he enjoys the money. He is all around much more appreciative and has appologized several times for all he put us through, drugs, stealing, moving out, etc. My biggest mistake I look back on was helping him to get a car! He left his school work go,quit playing baseball, worked to pay for his car and insurance (because you'll find a boy's insurance will be approximately $200 a month if newer or liability for $75 or thereabouts.)If he is unappreciative now, believe me, it will only get worse when he has his own wheels.I don't think he should pay the difference in insurance, he should pay the whole bill that he is responsible for!
I agree with Miki V, when he says "I'm moving out" you answer "fine, how soon?" It was terribly hard and sometimes I got phone calls in the middle of the night of him doing this or that and I had a hard time not running to his aid but you know, it's called "Tough Love." Continue to let them know they're loved and you would do anything for them but under YOUR roof, you're still the boss and if they don't like the rules, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!!

My daughter has her temps right now..she's 16. I'm a bit worried about her thinking that once she gets her license she has free reign to go wherever she wants. We've already been over and over the rules. I'm sure she will push the envelope on this too. I figure there will be times when the keys will be taken away. She has expressed leaving at 18 too. I think it's normal behavior. After all they are between being kids and adults. It's a difficult time for everyone. I have also been the recipient of attitude..lol..some days are better then others. I think everyone goes through it.

As for the insurance. Well if he doesn't pay he doesn't drive. End of story. You have to have insurance in order to drive, so if he doesn't pay he doesn't drive. There's no getting around it. I've already told my daughter I can't afford your insurance so either you pay or you don't. That's part of the responsibility of having a car. I'd make her pay half of it even if we were well enough off I could afford to help her pay it. Nothing comes for free in this world..somebody along the line has had to earn that money..might as well be them.

Good luck!

J.

G.,

Don't take it personnally! That's normal! I have three, 27, 22, and 17. They all did that, said that, do that, say that, and they are very good kids. Never had a problem with drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It's a natural progression that must happen for children to become adults. They assert their independence. You draw the line where you want it, you're the parent, and don't try to be a friend or worry that they won't like you. They can be very clever and manipulative too, knowing what to say to push your buttons, including I hate you, I'm moving out when I'm 18, etc.

Your 17 yr old sounds a lot like how I was when I was his age. I am now almost 30 years old and have two boys 3 1/2yrs and 22 months old. I cannot tell you how many times I have apologized to my mother about how I treated her and how awful I feel about what I put her through. I didn't come to have these feelings until I had children of my own. My parents did the best they could with such a stubborn and rebellious teanage daughter that they had to deal with. The thing they were most constistant with was that they always told me they loved me and even though I thought I didn't care, I still heard it. I needed my own space. I needed to learn my own mistakes. But there does come a fine line though when a child is under 18 I believe. My parents always paid for my insurance, so that was never a big deal, but it was paying for gas that always was. I had to buy my own clothes in high school and so I had to get a job and worked around 10-15 hours a week when I was in school. I had to find a way to pay for my clothes, gas and phone bills. It did show me how to take responsbility. But the best advice I can give you is to always love him and let him know that, and to let him know that he is still your responsiblity and for right now he needs to obide by your rules.

WELL I HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD TEENAGE GIRL , AND DOING THE SAME THING WHEN I;M 18 I;M MOVING OUT ,AND SHE'S TRYING TO GET HER ,LICENSE AND MY RESPONSE IS GO AHEAD BUT YOU WILL WANT TO COME BACK HOME CAUSE ITS NOT THAT EASY OUT THERE. I CAN ONLY SUPPORT HER RIGHTS BUT SHES STILL 16,YES ITS HURTFULL BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO ,NOTHING ,BUT LOVE THEM AND LET THEM KNOW THERES ALWAYS A HOME TO COME BACK TO. THEY MUST SHOW SOME REPONSABILITY FIRST! SORRY IF I SPELLED THAT WRONG BUT ,AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL , DOES YOURS? MINE THINKS I DONT KNOW WHAT I;M TALKING ABOUT. BUT HERE TRY NOT WORRING YOURSELF SICK ,HE;S JUST TRYING TO PROVE HE WILL DO WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HES 18

I dont have any teenagers I have a daughter and she is only 2
all the teenagers act rebellius at this stage they dont want to listen and they want their freedom.
my advice pray ask god to give you wisdom and peace
and god will give to you.
let him move out soner or later he will apreciate what you
have done for him and he will learn the value of money let him goes on his owh.I know it hurts but sometimes is best to let go.
from my own experience I was 18 I left home went on my own
fronm different reasons .I was ina big risk living with my alcohlolic mother now I almost 30 Im fine I have a husband and daughter.
I will advise to stop pay for his insurance and let him goes on his own
take care I will be paraying for you
God loves and god bless you

hey G.,

I don't have a son of a similar age as yours, in fact I am 27 with a 4 year old. I did however grow up with 5 brothers and I just had to tell you that all of them went through the same stage as you have mensioned. They all grew up fighting then hating my parents and rebelling against every rule there was in the house, not to forget that they more or less had their bags packed ready and waiting for the day they left.
I want to tell you that now they are older 20+ they all love my mother and would do anything to protect her and they have all changed so much they all seem like different men now.
I hope this makes you feel a little better.

When I was a teenager, my parents told me way before I got my license that I would have to pay for the difference in insurance. I knew that ahead of time, so I didn't get my license until I turned 17, by my choice. I think it is very reasonable for him to pay for his own insurance, and it will teach him responsibility. It will also give him an incentive to get good grades and drive responsibly so he can get the discounts on insurance. Driving is a privilege, not a right, and if he wants that privilege, he needs to pay for his own insurance and abide by your rules for borrowing the car. If he doesn't, then he can't drive. Simple as that. He has to have insurance to drive, so if he wants to drive, he'll have to work to come up with the money to pay for it. How hard is that, really? He doesn't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, or any other living expenses yet because he is under your roof. If he wants to leave when he is 18 and try to do it on his own, let him. He's probably just saying he's going to move out to make you feel guilty and try to get his way. If he actually is serious, he'll learn really quickly that life under your roof is cake compared to what he has (having to work full time to pay the bills). When he says that he will move out when he is 18, say "That's fine, but as long as you are under my roof, you'll go by my rules". It will probably shock him, but it may get the message across. Decide now, before he gets his license, how long, how often, how far he can drive, who can be in the car, etc. so he knows what is expected. It will help avoid arguments and manipulation later.

Yes, of course that is normal teenage boy behavior. Think back, remember when you were a teen. Weren't all the boys "rebels without a cause?" This is the normal process of becoming an independent man. I know it is hard. I watched as my brother grew up.

The next time he says he is going to move out, sit down with him. Ask about his potential source of income, because if he cannot pay car insurance, how can he pay rent, utilities, food, etc to survive on his own? Help him write up a budget. Look at the listings for apartments, even take him to look at the ones he could possibly afford. Have him help with the responsibility for grocery shopping. Remind him that he will, of course, move out soon. He's about to become an adult.

When I was a little girl and threatened to run away, my Mom would say, "What do you want me to pack in your paper bag lunch, because that is all you are taking away with you?" I never did. When it becomes more of a reality for your son, he will likely take a step back.

Best wishes!

G.

I am a single mother of two. Boy 19 and Girl 15. This is normal. My 15 year old daughter does the same to me to. My son is sick so he is just mean some times. But I always get the remark whatever, and they always think things should be handed to them on a silver platter. I guess I try and make up for the lack of fathers in their lives. The advice i give you is to let them know who is boss. Say hey if you want to drive then you will pay the difference period. If not then no license. I told my daughter that she could not have her license until she has a B average or higher. I can not afford the insurance and she understands. She may not like it, but she understands. Some times as a parent you have to take the harsh words from a teenager. No it doesnt make it pleasant. After they are done then sit down and talk to them. That's what I do, some times it works, some times it doesnt. We all need prayers and luck with teenagers now a days!!!

Debbie
Lorain County, Ohio

Well, I don't have any teenage children (yet, they are still little ones) but it wasn't to long ago I was one. Now I am 26 with 2 of my own little girls,and I look back on much of my behavior and all around attitude with a lot of regret and what if's. I remember saying the same horrible and mean things to my mother, who is now my best friend. I took that woman through hell and back. So, here is what I have to offer....
As for the liscense situation, if you are uncomfortable with him having one, make him wait until he turns 18 and can do it himself, or waith until he can show a little more maturity, which ever comes first. That is how my parents handled it with me, whichh 18 came first. Mad then, but very thankful now. It may be hard, but there are other people on the road to be concerned about too.
When it comes to a teenage temper tantrum I don't think it's that much different from a wailing toddler except one is much bigger. I always wanted my mom to be more reasonable to what I wanted or was in dire need of that week. Maybe you could try to meet some where in the middle when it comes to those types of things. Does he have a job? That is something he might as well get used to having now, they aren't going to go away any time soon (unfortunelty) but he has to learn that in order to have things you want like a car, gas, food and etc then he has to manage his money and learn what comes first on the good 'ole priority list. I don't think that paying the difference on his own insurance is overly demanding let alone the safe and legal way to do things. I say if he can't agree to do that then he can't drive. I hope to have given you something good and I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.

I have a 18 year old daughter that said that all the time and i made her figue out the bills on month and I didn't hear her say it anymore cuz she saw what it cost to live on your own and my son did the same thing plus I would not pay for them to take driver's classes so they have to wait till they are 18 and can pay for there own packet and they have to call and see how much insurance will cost and pay that so they really dont say to much more about it. I hope this helped a little

I have an almost 17 yr old daughter...a junior. She also talks about moving out, but she mostly complains about living here in Cincy in general. She thinks it's too conservative and lacks diversity. (Maybe it does for some, but I'm fine w my hometown.) Anyway, she isn't being personally hurtful, but the talk about wanting out is still there. I suspect to a degree it's normal older teenager wishing for independance kinda behavior. They see a light at the end of a tunnel...but...oops...they forget that with independant living comes responsibility for taking proper care of themselves and their stuff, paying into expenses, esp on big ticket items like cars and holding up their end of agreements. We do have issues of not being allowed to use the car for just any old reason...The answer is a big, fat NO when gas is so high and car maintenance is an issue. As you know, all we read about these days is which kid got killed on 275 this week...I hate it! My HS Junior got a movie cinema job. That will help some...gets her out of the house and busy with something. She's a great kid really...just not realistic. My only advice is to hang in there and keep standing your ground. My other daughter is 13. P.

I have very small kids myself but my co-worker told me what she did to her unruly 17 yr old when he is disrespectful or is caught breaking the rules. She takes away his right to privacy by removing his door off the hinges. They think they're entitled to things... but you need to make sure he knows he has to EARN his right to privacy or whatever it is he wants.

Sounds like every 17 year old I know! As far as "when I'm 18 I'm moving out"....answer with "Fine. Good luck!" Do 17 yr olds really think this is a threat? As far as thinking he shouldn't have to pay the difference for his insurance. Get real! Then explain that you think you shouldn't have to pay for your insurance either...problem is if you don't pay it you don't get to drive....and neither should he. If he wants to be treated like an adult---treat him like one!

Hi G., been there done that. My baby is 24 (I have 3 girls and 3 boys)and I have 7 grandsons. Your house, your rules. Have no mercy and your child will live to be a ripe old age. I guess most teenagers get a little mouthy. (mine did) I worked through it. I didn't give up. Many nights I cried behind closed doors wondering if I what I did would be enough or to much. Good Luck

G.,
First of all God Bless you. I have 2 step children who are teenagers and th rest are young ones (11,9 & 4) I know I was a horrible teenager to my mother more than my dad. She was an idiot. amazing how much wiser she got when I had children. Just remember this too shall pass. and I heard once that young children are so cute so you don't mind cleaning up there diapers and other messes they make, and teenagers are obnoxious so you don't mind so much when they leave the nest.
Please take good notes on how this works out and stay connected, it won't be long until I am in your shoes

This sounds like rebellion! I wouldn't let him drive until he pays for insurance. Tell him he should be grateful. My son had Muscular Dystrophy and died at 16. He never even had the option to drive. L. H

Why would you let him get his liscense? He can not get it without your approval until he is 18. Driving in a privledge - not a right.

The attitude is fairly common. One thing that we are learning - you must have rules and consequences written out and then follow thru. They are testing the limits. As my 19 year old just told me - she knew that I would not follow thru with anything - so it did not matter.

We are changing that with our 15 year old son. We are totally following thru and he is learning that! He wants to drive too - but he has to have B average to get his temps and will have to maintain it in order to drive.

My son also thinks that everything is stupid. If they had thier way they would eat whatever, stay up all night, never do schoolwork but expect money, cell phone, computer and a car. Not in this world!

Be firm and consistent.

HELLO, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY. TALK TO HIM AND EXPLAIN WHY HE NEEDS TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOME THINGS. YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT AND HE IS THE CHILD. TELL HIM TO LOOK AT ADS FOR RENTING AN APARTMENT AND UTILITIES AND FOOD, OH I KNOW = HE THINKS HE CAN MOVE IN WITH A BUNCH OF HIS FRIENDS AND HAVE FUN. WELL HE NEEDS TO REALIZE LIFE. IT IS NOT THAT EASY. I HOPE YOU CAN HELP HIM UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE COSTS OF BEING ON HIS OWN. mY SON IS 23 NOW AND I WENT THRU THE SAME, THANKFULLY HE HAS MATURED AND REALIZES HOW GOOD HE HAS IT AT HOME. GOD BLESS YOU S.