Teenager Doing All the Wrong Things

Sorry things are so rough. I know kids never can get too much love, but it sounds like she needs some boundaries and real consequences.

My mom's a counselor and also worked with troubled teenage boys in an inpatient facility and she recommends this Family Rules program (See link below). It walks you through how to set up rules, consequences etc... Plus it has accountability built in for both parents and kids.

http://www.family-rules.com/

You're the boss and she needs learn to be responsible now!

Best wishes!

I agree with the other posters!! YOU are the parent and she must respect that! Tough love is hard and she may say that she hates you for this but in the long run she will appreciate it and thank you someday!
Blessings, K.

I'm not totally convinced that counselors are helpful. especially when their advice to you is to "coddle" a rebellious disrespectful girl. I understand your point..it's hard to show love to that.
problem is...you are the parent that is supposed to love unconditionally. its confusing to her to have you not show it. I know...I am sometimes at the same level of frustration with my 14 year old boy. I'll find myself saying things to him that i shouldn't, because you feel like you could just "shock" them into understanding what they are doing wrong...but...you can't.
They are at the age that is right in between having every action decided for them, like a child, and being able to take care of themselves, like an adult.
You do need to consider the fact that she is smoking something though...no one just sits in their room and lights matches with the window open.
And...the way she is hanging out with those boys...consider the fact that she is most likely experimenting with sex. I assume you've had THAT talk with her? Get her protected and educated....Not talking about it, won't make it go away, and if you don't talk about those kind of adult things with her...she'll learn all she things she needs to know from them! You don't want that...they probably don't have good information either!
So it's time to start treating her like an adult....Confess some of the things you did at her age, and good things and bad things that came from it....
Do more adult things with her...take her for a manicure, or to a movie, teach her to cook, is there a sport or performer she likes?
It's all just trial and error, unfortunately...giving up, is not an option that is allowed us mothers....
It really is the hardest job in the world, and the least rewarding at times...but she'll figure it out...
We've all had that moment....at about age 23 or so...where we call our mom's and say we're sorry and they were right!

I always say I would do the whole strip the room of everything, no phone, computer, tv, etc....and grounded until the behavior and attitude change (and not for just a day or two). School and home only! Tell her trust is earned,not given and her actions have not proven she can be trusted. Also trust takes a long time to build up but only a lie or two to destroy!

Shes going to need some sort of positive outlets! Are there any programs out there she may be interested in? Even if she fights them!? Something she may have been interested in before she moved on from her other friends? Maybe you two can see about taking a class together? Even force her at first and hopefully she will go along at some point.

Whatever you do just be consistent!!!!

Have you considered taking her to church? Im not all religious type or anything but it could be positive for her!?Good luck reigning her back in, I wish I had more advice for you!!!~~~

Stick with it. Your daughter sounds like myself at that age. I started smoking in middle school and when I was "caught" I'd admit to burning matches. I was horribly disrespectful and rude. My parents did just about everything they could to bring me back in line. I still managed to get in some trouble but because of my parents constant supervision, calling friends parents to verify my whereabouts, and strict consequences for violating trust, the trouble I could find was not as bad as my "bad" friends. Keep doing what you think is right (and yes your daughters therapist needs to take a hike). She's being a rebellious teenager which unfortunately means you have to be a tough parent.
Just remember this is your baby. No one else on this planet will love her as much as you do, no matter how much or little time involved. Run a strict household and when she's 30 with her own kids she'll appreciate it, but don't expect it until then. ;) Good Luck!!

All of the things that have been suggested deal with external behavior- getting her to stop acting out, disobeying, being rude, etc. What she needs is a HEART change, an internal change. What she needs is Christ. It's not about being being "religious." It's about having a relationship with God. The Bible say that anyone who is in (knows and loves)Christ is a new creation, old things have passed away, all things have become new. That is real change. Our culture just focuses on behavior modification- usually with a self-centered motivation- for example, get good grades, get $; stop lying etc and get priviliges returned. It's not that they have changed, its that they want what they want. Do you want her to obey your rules just so you'll get off her back and she can have her stuff back, or do you want her to change and grow into the person God created her to be? That's what it all comes down to. Her counselor says she needs to feel more loved. The truth is that we can have love from all of the people in our lives and still not feel truly loved. This is because we were all created with a hole in our hearts meant to be filled with the love of God. We can try to fill it with many different things and still come up empty. It will only be filled by God.
Pray for her. That is the best thing you can do. Then try to find her an alive, Bible based church that she (and you!) can feel comfortable in and find friends in and learn and grow.
In the mean time, I (and my praying friends) will pray for you and her. May God bless you and touch you with His love today. He loves you more that you know.

You are aware that she is smoking, right? I have never opened a window to light a match.
I have worked with troubled teens, ones who are pregnant, on drugs, or both. Plenty of very innocent and naive girls get pregnant...so I am not addressing that so much. But the ones who were using drugs, etc, said they did it because they could. Noone cared enough to make it impossible for them to do it. Curfews, constantly following up so that she knows if she tells you she is going somewhere, you are going to call or show up to make sure the conditions are acceptable.
As a child, I was never allowed to spend the night at someone's house until my mom had met the parents of the other person. If she didn't get a good vibe, I wasn't allowed over there.
All this said, there are kids who had all these conditions going on who still found trouble, but the difference was that when they grew up, they still loved their parents and felt loved for all they tried to do to help them. I guess in the end, that is what you need to look at.

Speaking from experience you have to stay on her. Don't let up, don't throw in the towel and don't believe that counselor when telling you she needs more love. Not that kids don't need our love because of course they do! However, the kind of love the counselor is suggesting sounds like the give them what they want and they'll behave love. That's not love at all. Real love says, I'm going to keep being a good parent by providing boundaries and correction in addition to rewards and meeting your true needs to be nurtured and cared for. If you don't do it now, I would highly recommend praying for your daughter on a regular daily basis. Our children face things that we didn't yet there is a common thread at that delicate age. It's the age where they begin to break away and have to make decisions about who they are. If the enemy can nagivate them away from the source of real love and into the world's fake love (here today gone tomorrow) they fall for the trap. We have to pray and guide them into knowing the truth so that they don't fall victim to what the world says they are or what the world tells them to do. That's what I do and will continue to do.

Hi Poppy,

I don't have kids this age yet. I struggle with my kids not appreciating things, etc. When they are old enough, they will be volunteering with me at the soup kitchen to learn to be thankful/compassionate/grateful. I think I would try a "Scared Straight" technique. Take her to visit juvy, volunteer at a burn unit....

Good luck. This is a hard path to head down.

C.

Your daughter is not just'lighting matches'. She is obviously smoking something. Most local police departments have parental education about what dugs are out there, how to spot them, what they smell like,e tc. You need to educate yourself. She is already in acounselling, is it the right counselor? Your daughter has a lot of warning signs and a counselor should be able to help you with the appropiate ways to handle her, and how to handle the affect she is having on your other 2 children. Good luck.

Hi, I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a hard situation, I have an 8 yr old girl and I'm scared about how things will be with her when she is a teen. She already has quite an attitude and I'll admit all three of my kids are pretty spoiled. I have a belief that if the kids can experience first hand the affects of their behavior than maybe that will get them thinking...examples have her talk to people that smoke and have them tell her how hard is is to quit, I've been smoking since I was 12 (my parents didn't but my brothers and their friends did) I'm going to be 32 this month and I was told last month that I should quit because I had really bad bronchitis, they gave me an inhaler how scary but have I quit? Not yet. I also see my hubby's aunt who smoked for 40 some years and has an oxygen tank and that still has not scared me enough to quit, its powerful once you start. As for the sex thing, see if you can "borrow" someones baby overnight, even if the mom would like to stay with you and let your daughter get up through the night and try to get ready for school in the morning. Tell her how she would have to find a sitter for her baby if she wanted to do things with her friends and how much time it takes to care for a baby then do something to get her protected. Volenteer at your local hospital with her and let her see some of the diseases and their affects they have on people. The teens always think that it can't or won't happen to them, but to have those thoughts and images in the back of her head may do some good. Keep talking and preaching and stay on her about how things should be and don't give up, like someone else said kids don't know it but they do like rules and discipline, it makes them feel secure and loved to know that their parents care. My parents had complete trust in me and I was a follower, I was starting to go down the wrong path but I met a boy who was respectful of me and my parents. He did not want to do anything to disappoint my parents or his who happened to be much older than average parents. He kept me on track for the most part and now we have been married for 13 years in May. Have three beautiful kids and I could not imagine life with out him. Pray that the right people come into her life. Good luck, sorry so long.

Poppy

your last comment about sending her to reform school may not be a bad idea. I had a teacher who was along with her husband involved in the military. She was great, very tough but great she had 3 kids, the first two were very good, grounded and on a successful life track, their third child was just a pistol, didn't listen to anything or anyone, was getting into more and more trouble, he was about 15 or 16 years old, he was kicked out of school etc...

They finally decided that the trouble he was causing was causing them to have marital problems and so they sent him off to military school (I think it was a christian on in the Dominican Republic) (I would strongly suggest a Christian school, they will actually teach them different values)

Anyway, after a year, he was a totally, totally different child. The parents were required to go down there for a week each separately and the child and parent spent time together the child repented, asked for forgiveness and they talked about the past and future. Then he came home and had a proper open house from graduation from military school and he is just sooo different, and he has thanked his parents over and over for sending him there because he knows what he would be like if he didn't go.

Just a thought.
If you want to know what school he went to let me know and I will find out for you.

B.

Hello Poppy, One thing to remember at all times is that there are NO bad kids, just kids who DO bad things. The counselor is right in saying that she doen't feel loved. But you are also correct in saying that it is hard to love a child who is behaving the way your daughter is. Don't talk bad about her friends, her boyfriend, or even her. This will only make the problem worst. Instead, let her know that if she is going to act like a child then you will have to treat her like one. Keep her on a short leash. Escort her to were she is supposed to be, talk to the parents of the kids who she is to be with. Invite her new friends to hang out at your house, but do not allow them any alone time. Keep them in your view at all times. Believe me, her friends will move on to other people to be friends with if they are only looking for trouble. But who knows, you may have a positive effect on their lives by opening your home to them when they feel so detached from their own parents. Make a family list of house rules with very clear consequences and stick with them. If you do A.(light matches in room), then you will face B.(not being allowed to spend time alone in your room except at bedtime). If you do A.(lie) then you will face B.(not having any contact with any friends for 3 days, by phone, computor, or face to face). A child needs to know that A equals B, cause and effect. This helps them feel safe and loved. When you spend time with her, stay positive and upbeat. No negativity about friends or behavior. Enjoy the time you get to spend with her during her groundings. She will soon be leaving the nest. Good luck.

I hear your frustration and can't say I wouldn't be the same, but please don't give up on her. Reform school creates monsters. Before you really do anything so rash, research the success rate of the places you're considering. Don't make it a way to make your life easier. Don't throw her away. She's giving up on herself and what she craves is acceptance. Sounds like the counselor has tried to tell you that. It feels unfair and like she doesn't deserve your effort, but thats being a parent. It may be 10 years before you get the rewards, or even a thank you. You need to find the faith inside you and give it to her through your words and actions. Punishment gives fodder to her attitude. Have you tried rewards for good choices? I know with my 14 year old (boy, I know, its different) I found I expected good behavior so I never praised or rewarded anything but stellar performance, and as a result he gave up trying to please us. As soon as I decided to turn that around, things started to change. I sat him down and told him I was going to change my attitude, in hopes it would help him see a way to make a change in his. I stated what I wanted for him, but acknowledged that I was not the one in control of his life. His choices were his own. And that I had complete faith that he was capable of making good ones. I asked him to think about who he wanted to be. I didn't demand any answers because those answers come slowly. I said would not accept wrong choices and bad behavior. The law and my rules were firm and we set some consequences for breaking the rules. I let him be the emerging adult he was becoming. I really think our own lives, past & present, set the table for our actions so explore your deep feelings here. If you are angry and resentful, sad and disappointed, tell her thats how you feel. Not that she's making you feel that way, because in the same way she has ultimate control of her life, so do you, and we do chose our reactions to feelings if not the feelings themselves. I do hope you can work it out with her, I just cry inside for the sadness and desperation you feel, and also for her. I wish I had a magic button to change things! Just try to partner with her and be patient that the results won't look exactly like you'd hope. Good luck!

I'm a mother of a 14 year old as well. To say this is hard is an understatement. It's been proven that kids want rules and direction. My daughter has some friends we didn't approve of and what we did was open our home, our rules, our curfew and our supervision to EVERYONE. This is easier said than done! We set the rules and I'm known as the "mean Mom", but they keep coming. Our daughter and her friends know our expectations, no drinking, no smoking, no foul language and what I say goes. However you also need to respect their need for some space. This showed my daughter that I respect her and as long as she respected us and our house, life is good. Now when some boys broke the rules (at our house you get 1 warning) they were asked to leave and return when they could follow the rules. I "totally embarassed" my daughter, but they have returned and when I ask them to clean up their language...they do. However the first time she talks back, it's over until I get respect. Keep the high expectations and relay to her that life is all about choices!

Hi ,

Sounds like her friends are influencing her. I know first hand that the cell phone should be took away period. Unless she works, has children, or something that will keep her away from you extended periods of time she doesn't need it. It will keep her in contact w/ the undesirable ones. I know first hand because I did the same thing. My phone was taken away until I could work and buy my own. I then appreciated it more.

Second, just keep giving her your parental supervision. You sound like you are on the right track it just calls for persistance. Like the other response she'll appreciate it when she has kids or when she'a 30 (smile). I CAN SAY i FINALLY UNDERSTAND!

Best Wishes...

Hello Poppy,

these are hard times with a teenager at home, i don't have answers my kids are too little but I wanted to share something with you. This book : Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary D. Chapman may help you understand why your daughter doesn't seem to be on the receiving end of your love. This author explained how we all need different ways to love and be loved. You can look it up on amazon and read people's reviews (all very positive).

As for lying, I guess a child/teen caught red handed will never acknowledge being wrong...maybe just don't ask her when it's obvious ;-) you'll spare a lie.

Other great books about the subject are http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Parenting-Kids-Preteens-With...
http://www.amazon.com/fair-Jeremy-Spencers-parents-night/...

Hope this helps !

Poppy, I apologize in advance for not being able to help. I guess I wanted to use this time to vent because I am going through the same sort of thing with my 15 year, only it is probably a lot worse. I am too embarrassed to even share some of the things he has done. It has gotten to the point where I have taken away every amenity imaginable and nothing has changed. I have been fasting, praying, seeking counseling, the whole nine yards. I do trust God and know that a break through is coming, but in the meantime, I do not know what to do. One counselor I spoke to said that my son might have something called 'control disorder', but a psychiatrist needs to evaluate. Since he has been to counselor several times now, he refuses to go to any more. I have been at the verge of turning him over to the State as a ward of the court, but I do not believe that is the direction I should be going. So I will just say to you that if you have a spiritual advisor, seek them out. Now is the time to give this issue to God and let Him handle it. I pray that this helps in some way.

you say you spend more one on one time with her than anyone else maybe it isn't the right kind of time and things she wants to do. for instance maybe you always take her shopping and she hates to shop, you think you are doing something good but she looks at it like a drag. groubding doesn't work it just makes them rebell more.

Hi Poppy,

This is a tough situation and I feel for you having to go through it! I, like Kimberly, was like your daughter once, too - somewhat.

A few suggestions:
1. Try to find out if your daughter is using drugs. That obstinate, belligerent rebellion is often a sign of it. Take her to a doctor for blood work if you have to, but find out. Find out if she's sexually active, too. Peer pressure could be making her feel that she needs to do certain things in order to fit in, and these are certainly not the right choices! If she is having sex, and is feeling pressured about it, you definitely need to know.

2. If you had a good relationship with any of the friends your daughter left behind, consider calling them and picking their brains - maybe they can give you some idea of where your daughter's head is at.

3. Try sitting down with your daughter to just talk. Just you & her. CALMLY. That's huge - you have to keep it together for both your sakes. And try to talk to her woman to woman, not mother to daughter. You may get further with her if you put her on an even level with you. Also, don't put her new "friends" down in any way - it will only push her further away from you. DO MORE LISTENING THAN TALKING. You're trying to get her to open up to you because my guess is that something actually happened in her life to trigger this behavior and you need to find out what that something is - get to the root of the problem so that you can help her resolve it.

The thing that happened to me to trigger this negative behavior is a bit too personal to put out here, but please - feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk about this. Maybe hearing "the other side" will give you different perspective on how to handle the situation.

I wish you all the best with this and I pray that you and your daughter will both come through it just fine.

L.

Not an easy one. But now is the time to act before they turn 18 and aren't legally obliged to do anything you say. At which point you can legally say that if she can't live under your roof by your house rules, then she's old enough to find her own place. And pay for it too.

But for now, I can suggest DO having a girl's time out. Go to a restaurant where you can both agree on. Have a straight forward honest talk. Tell her you love her unconditionally because she's your daughter. And that it really hurts that she feels unloved and not trusted, but that her behavior doesn't instill the kind of trust she's talking. Lighting matches and lying doesn't get rewarded with trust. Just the opposite.
It's your house, you can restrict the visitors. If she doesn't like it, tough. If she's putting your neck on the line by doing illegal stuff, like in her room, that isn't about to breed good will and trust. Ask why she feels she has to do these things.

Yes it's normal at that age to test one's independence and being "grown up". But they aren't grown up; they're just learning right from wrong, testing mom and dad's tolerance, seeing how much they can get away with. Remember yourself at that age. I always believed that if I tried getting away with stuff, why should my kids be any different. You already know the pitfalls. Why should you trust this generation not to be victime to the same things?

Good luck. It isn't easy. But put your foot down and don't go weak.

I feel for you, my daughter is 12 and we (or should I say I) have gone through some heartache and turmoil with her. Although it has not or did not go to your extreme as far as things she was doing, it was the disrespect she showed me and I always gave in too tired to fight over and over. I told her and my husband that I was ready to be committed seriously, I was on the verge of going crazy. Thinking of her at work, crying over what I could have possibly done wrong, what a bad parent I was, etc. My husband, who basically she listens to and minds, although he is not with her 24/7 and does not actually take her places, watch her and her friends, and whatever little daily mundane things that happen every day, stepped in and had some kind of talk with her about respecting me. I don't know what was exactly said although as I said she listens to him cause he means business. She has turned around and treated me respectfully and I tell her that. I smile when I see her, say I love you more, things that I didn't do when she was mean to me. I told her how wonderful she is doing and that the way she treats me will make me treat her the same. I pray this continues, because I have seen the start of rebellion and it scares me. I didn't hear much about your husband? Does he put his foot down? And I would personnally ground her and not allow her to go anywhere till you CAN trust her.

Hi. I don't have a teenager, but my extended family went through something like this with my cousin. Around the same age she started hanging around the "wrong crowd"--drugs, teenage pregnancies, arrests, etc.... The thing is, she comes from a wonderful family--dad and mom and brother who love her, strong values, and family rules. However, if she is strong willed, she will find a way. My cousin would sneak out of the house, lie, take the car when these privileges where removed, steal from family members etc... Basically, my aunt now says she wishes she would have changed my cousin's school earlier--right when these signs first started to appear. She says she knows her daughter would of been very upset, but it could have saved them a lot heartache in the long run. You should check out local Catholic or other private schools. The key thing is to remove you daughter from these "friends". Good luck, sounds like you have a long road ahead. I would keep up the spending one-on-one time.

Well....being a mom of a 12-year-old daughter has proven to me that being a mom is the toughest job in the world. Your daughter seems to really be testing her limits. The method that has proven most effective with my children is positive reinforcement. Try telling her all the things you like about her. Sometimes our kids only seem to hear the negative things we say to them. Each time she does something good like getting a good grade, tell her how proud you are of her. This will only make her want to do more good things. Also, you may want to consider getting her involved in a church youth group. Our church has a cafe where kids can meet each Monday and play video games, buy snacks, do homework, listen to music, etc. It's a good thing. I hope things work out for you and your daughter. :) The best thing is that you are a concerned parent. You are keeping tabs on her and she knows it. that's awesome!

Hi Poppy, My name is K.. I sure havr the feeling of your
infirmities. My son was very rebellious in his teen years. Being a single Mom my only help was in my Lord Jesus Christ.
The Bible tells us in Ephsians 6 that we do not wrestle
against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, agaainst the powers of the dark world and against the spititual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I don't
know if you understand that or not. May I ask if you are
a Christian? Prayer is the only way to fight this. I would
look into going to a Full Gospel Church on Sundays and taking you family to Teen and children ministries where the
word of God is taught. There you would get loving support
especially prayer support. The music today is very demonic.
Listen to the words and sit down with your teen and explain
why this is wrong and replace it with Christian Music.
perhaps this change could be slowly. I'm sure you could find
a Christian Radio Staion (WUFL 1030 A.M. or 103.5F.M. in the Detroit Area. Pray, Pray Pray!!! I will join in for you and your family. Prayer works!!! If you have any questions
or just need more encouragement, please reply back. Oh
by the way, my son is 34 yrs old now. Working a good job
and married a girl who loves the Lord from his teen Youth
Group. God answers prayer! God Bless, K. P.S.
Play Christian Music in her room when she is at school.
Put notes in her lunches or under her pillow telling her
how blessed you are to have her for your daughter and how
proud you are of her. Encourage her and reenforce positive
remarks to her. "I love you, but not the behavior you are showing. In Proverbs 15:1 it states "a soft answer turns
away wrath." When speaking to her turn your volume of your
voice down to just above a whisper speaking lovingly but
firmly. I found that when we adults get upset, they just
magnify the rage. I know it isn't easy, but with the grace and help from the Lord you can do this. If you are going
to a secular counselor, he isn't going to understand what I am suggesting. People at church will. On WUFL 1030A.M.
Dr. Randy Carlson is a Couselor. People can call in and ask questions regarding marriage, children etc. Watch the
700 Club and Joyce Myer Ministry on T.V. Read the Bible too
and ask God for wisdom. He knows your daughter and loves you and her so very much. He will hear the cry of your heart. Hope this helps. In His love, K.

Poppy,

Cancel the cell phone. Cancel the internet to her computer. Schedule times with her. You and your husband set limits and tell her thats it.

Now here are some other things. Take an activity with your daughter. She, as other teenagers, thinks she is invincible and does not see the damage she is causing.

I hope things come out good for your entire family.

L.

Ouch! Mom, this is a horrible and difficult phase she is going thru. Pray. Pray long and pray hard. You have built a foundation for her and now she has to grow. Hard stuff. Hang in there. Get some support for yourself. Did I say pray?

S.

I have reported RA and Jane - those are not helpful posts - but could be hurtful!

I feel the same as you Poppy, I have a 13 yr old that it is all just about HER - anything good or bad, she's had it better or worse. I am glad to see your request and all the postings as they will help me also.

Good lck and Thanks for all your help to me also.!!!

K.

I like the response Erin gave you. I too have a 14 yo daughter who is doing a lot of the same things. She has been lying for a long time and it seems like nothing I have tried works. I have grounded her numerous times and everytime she is ungrounded, she goes back to the same behavior and just gets more and more bitter and angry with me. I have just started reading the Love and Logic book Parenting Teens With Love and Logic. It sounds like good advice. I borrowed it from the Library but think I will buy it. I think that my daughter will also do better with choices instead of demands. When we did have her in counseling, one of the things we learned was that she feels like she has no control and is doing what she can to get some control of her life. With Love and Logic, they get control because they make choices and then have to live with the consequences of those choices. As the book says though you just have to give choices that you can live with either one that she chooses.

I am still learning exactly how to implement the principles in the book. I am actually considering going to a conference to hear all this in person, maybe that will help more. You can check out their website, they have some clips you can listen to that gives advice on some subjects. The web site is www.loveandlogic.com

Do you attend a good church? Just recently when I confronted my daughter about some very inappropriate sexual conversations on her MSN (they would be X rated if a script for a movie), I asked her if she would be willing to talk to our pastor, about this and her other behavior. She agreed. They have met and talked once and she said she would talk to him some more (I am soo glad because he is the only one she will talk to - we quit the counseling because she wouldn't talk). I keep praying that this will continue and we will get to the bottom of what is going on with her and help her to make better decisions.

I will pray for both you and your daughter.

L.

Hi Poppy -

I may sound extreme here but when my son started his out of contorl behavior and counseling wasn't enough we started threatening to send him to a "scared straight" weekend. The threats were enough to straighten out my son. You might need to show your daughter some tough love to get her to respond positively if you've tried everything else and it doesn't seem to be working. Check out Mid Course Corrections in Brighton(www.midcoursecorrection.org, ###-###-####). It's a weekend program designed to help your child realize just how good they have it and how bad things could be if they were sent into the juvenile detention system. It's kind of like a weekend boot camp where they can't retaliate. I've heard their program works wonders. Your daughters counselor can send in a referral or you can contact them directly.

Good luck - S.

Your daughter's counselor is correct. I was in that same place when I was her age. I thought my parents were so different from all of the other "cool" parents but I also felt like I didn't fit in my parents boring little world. I didn't fit in at home so I always tried to not be there. Communication was gone between us, I lied and did whatever I could to get my own selfish way but looking back now I think if my parents would have talked to me and I mean really talked to me (all hard feeling aside) and we could have formed a better bond maybe I could have talked to them and made them understand how I was feeling. The burning matches story is one I gave when I was smoking ciggerates.. Burning matches is a lot easier to swallow than your 14 year old smoking.. I would just look out for that. Try to be positive and talk with her more openly about your experiences.. Relate to her anyway you can.. Take her to do fun things (things she likes to do) and if trust is what she wants try starting with a clean slate and explain to her that only she can damage this new trust and open relationship. Remember stay positive.. If you keep reminding her of how bad she is then she will only become worse. Good luck I really hope things will turn around for your sake but also for hers.

It sounds like there is some good sound advice from many of these posters. I might add one other thing that might help to move her off the path of self destruction. Try to find out what interests she has that you can help promote and get her working on. Virtually every teen will have some thing that they have a passion for and want to put effort towards. It sounds like she has a lot of idle time and hasn't developed any interests in the usual school offerings such as theater, music or sports, things that many teens pour a lot of effort into. My two boys developed multiple hobbies from the time they were in grade school and spend all of their free time pursuing those interests and developing friendships with likeminded people. Every person is unique and will have a different interest, your job is to find out what that is with her and then work with her to explore those interests so that she will put her energies in a different direction. Just hanging out with no specific purpose with friends with no specific direction will just keep her on this course of no direction. At 14 she should be exploring the world around her and thinking about what she wants to do with her life. Because she hasn't discovered these things on her own it will be a long process on your part to help her discover what her passions are and how to go after them. You didn't mention if you attend a church or believe in the spiritual or power of prayer, but since you are asking for advice I would add pray for your daughter and let her know you are praying for her well being. Let her know that grounding her and punishing her are not all that you are about that you truly love her and will be praying for her. Then do it. After getting two kids to their 20's I've learned that the education and raising of children is a building process, one phase upon another and some things just don't have an easy fix because something in the building process has gone awry. It can take a lot of time and heartache and patience to get the project (the child) back on track and sometimes you have to back track to find out what went wrong and try to mend that spot. Don't give up on her, if you do, she will give up on herself. Wishing you the best and offering up a prayer for you both.

S.