Teenagers and Grades and Stuff Thanks

My guess is all the adults in his life have "disengaged" themselves, and so that's why he "doesn't seem to care", because no one else does.

:(

Some kids are just not motivated to do well in school. Grades don't really matter to them, and school bores them. And those kids rarely change when they are teens. They often change when they mature, and have a good REASON to want to succeed at something -- i.e. they discover a passion that they really want to delve into and succeed at -- but until that time, there is little you can do.

I have seen many kids go through their teens and high school at this point in time, in many different ways, and almost all of them are finding out what they want to do in life and are succeeding so far in the adult world, in one way or another.

After what I've seen, I really don't think this is worth making your home life miserable over. I promise you, you will not punish and bully your son into being a good student. I suggest you let his grades and his schoolwork be his thing; have reasonable rules and expectations around the house; make sure he is involved in at least one extracurricular activity that he enjoys and excels at; and let him grow up in his own way and enjoy the peace in your home.

(An anecdote: Look at the message you adults are sending -- this kid, who probably has many good qualities, is being given the message that he is unlikable and is a bad kid. All of the energy directed toward him at this point is negative. How healthy is that? School is important, but it's not the only thing that's important. As a society we have become obsessed with grades. A couple of weeks ago, I was teaching in a 9th grade classroom, and was told to watch out for the behavior of one boy, and to send him to the office with a referral if he acted up. He was challenging, but when I asked him to name one positive word that described him, which was part of the assignment, he told me, "There is nothing good about me." That broke my heart. No child should think that. Is that what you want your son to think?)

Be sure you and dad (and mom, if possible) are having occasional quality time with him, in whatever way possible. Watch a movie, play a game - whatever he finds enjoyable. Maybe you can find out what he's doing on that computer and get involved in it. Positive interactions with him are much more likely to improve his schoolwork.

I've seen a number of kids (not mine, but many I know well), fail or drop out of school, or drop out and get their GED's, and then either go on to junior college anyway or discover something else that intrigues them.

Stop with all the punishments. You are making yourself miserable. Maybe he'll become a computer whiz. Just make a deal with him that he do ONE thing he works hard at - a club, activity, sport, whatever.

And you might want to save the money and put him in public school.

Good luck and have fun with the teen years. ;)

And p.s. As soon as he's old enough that someone will hire him, have him get a p/t job. I've seen kids who hated school excel at their p/t jobs, and love the work world.

I think at that age (I'm seeing it work with my tween) it about earning stuff, not losing stuff.
If AB and C, then you earn your electronics that day/week/ month.
Not if ABC aren't done, your lose electronics....

I do see value in letting a kid experience natural consequences of bad choices (don't study? F on test) but it seems really sad to me that all of the adults in a kids life can be thisclose to giving up on him.

Please don't take personal offense at that, but he's 14. I'm guessing your other kids are much younger. Realize that this 14 year old fridge raiding, infrequently showering, easily distracted boy is still a kid.
Is he on meds for ADHD? Does he see a counselor? Have you all tried family counseling together?

i sure don't have any great answers. it sounds like a tough situation.
i agree with the responses that private school seems like a poor fit, but i seriously doubt that public school would be much better. i'd homeschool this young fellow, but i realize that's not a solution that would work for most. especially if the adults in his life are 'disgusted and sick' with him. i get it- who likes to be around a sullen, smelly teenage boy?
but how much can you take away from him? you've been doing that, and it's not working. you know the definition of insanity.
i realize my solution won't be yours, but what i'd do would be to give him a period of de-schooling, with parameters (he wouldn't have to do schoolwork for a while, but in order to gain access to fun things, he'd have to participate in chores, and keep himself reasonably presentable etc.) and i'd use the de-schooling time to explore his interests and goals with him, and discuss WITH him ways of accomplishing them. then we'd start re-introducing schoolwork, but not just schoolwork to be busy, it would be schoolwork with a purpose. i wouldn't force a math-hater right back into algebra, or a kid who loathes grammar to start parsing sentences, but i'd find classes and programs and curricula that incorporated the things that fire him up (sounds like computers would be a great place to start), and then demonstrate how the 'core' stuff gets integrated into it.
and i'd put the responsibility on him. that's the hardest thing to do- to watch them heading surely for a crash.
when my younger started digging in his heels over math, i practically had to nail my feet down to stop myself from doing battle over it. it was very, very scary to have him drop it. but after almost a year he came to ME, saying HE was afraid he was losing too much ground, and we found a different math curriculum and he put himself back to work.
now that he's in a math-based major at university he wishes he'd done more math when he was homeschooling. physics is challenging him big time. but you know what? he's doing it. and he's doing it while taking chemistry, and working a demanding job. homeschool didn't teach him as much math as we both could wish, but it DID teach him how to figure it out for himself. and since goals usually change many times between 14 and 23, learning how to learn and adapt is the best lesson any kid can take on.
but it's very scary when you see them apparently drifting. and i'm not sure how it could play out in your situation. i had faith underneath all the fear that my kid would rise to the challenge if allowed to find his own path. i hope yours does too.
khairete
S.

Is he on medication to treat the ADHD?

Okay. Good to know he's on meds.

Yes, I know all about ADHD. I have it. My boys both have it. In your SWH you could be describing my 13 year old in his love for tinkering, electronics. But because we are very POSITIVELY engaged with him, he got past the all the school, chore and taking care of himself issues when he was about 10.

It sounds like you're working on it. You just have to stay consistent and give him structure. Yes, he's 14, but maturity wise, he's really a lot younger and needs guidance.

I would read the books "Love and Logic" as well as "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." The way you're talking here very much sounds like the sources of his insecurity is that his family doesn't accept him based on something he cannot control. Talk with him about things he CAN control.

It could be more than ADHD. He could be also suffering from depression and related learning disabilities. I'm glad he will be seeing a new therapist. Does he have a psychiatrist?

I'm in a similar position with my 9th grader, and I don't have any wonderful solutions. There is no way though, I would pay for private school for a child who doesn't care or have the ability to put in the effort. I'd switch him to public asap without a lot of fanfare or lectures. Just matter of fact tell him that private school is an investment. He doesn't have the ability to desire to make the most of it.

Try dedicated homework time. Turn off the Wi-Fi to his devices and services to his phone for certain hours during the school week. If he works on homework for a couple of hours (in a common area that you can see evidence of him working), turn the service back on. We've had some luck with this for my daughter.

She isn't allowed to may social plans after/school or on school nights while she is behind on her school work. We do, however, let her make weekend plans Friday or Saturday. She's not happy getting a "no" to seeing her boyfriend on school nights. But 100% restricting her social life isn't healthy either.

So what if he gets angry. My DD did at first, but it didn't take long before she realized we would not provide screen entertainment for her if she wasn't going to put any effort into school. Hold firm. Don't enable. You'll feel better. And your other kids may see a big old tantrum/meltdown. It's ugly, yes. But its better than seeing him get privileges for nothing. Good luck!

I suggest you put him in public school and send a letter to the principal asking that he is tested for eligibility for Special Education. He may not have learning issues but it can't hurt to find out. One of my kids is diagnosed with dyslexia and one with depression. I am an advocate of making sure kids have the ability (or tools if they have deficits) before blaming difficulties on laziness. Also I agree with the post before that his whole life cannot just be about the misery of school and punishment on top of that. Find a hopeful and loving connection. Until you heal his soul and self esteem stuffing more facts into his brain to regurgitate on tests would not be my first priority. Good luck.

I have not replied to anything here in years, but this question touched my passion. Learning Styles. Have you looked at other schools? People learn in different ways. It seems he may be in a setting where things are taught in one way and he learns in another. A well matched school really can make the difference in a child's self esteem and life.

A school that finds a way for him to succeed could make all the difference to the entire family. A Military School is an option, but it doesn't sound to me how he will best learn. He sounds like a hands-on learner, not a lecture and "I told you how" learner. I have helped families match with Quaker Schools, Montessori Schools, Schools Without Walls, etc. schools that encourage creative learning, allows a student to grow and be challenged while preparing for success in the world. Not every school is for every type of learner. If he is in the same private school as other students who are over-achievers and the teachers are teaching to the over-achievers, of course he is going to check out and not care, because if he cared and didn't succeed that would be even more painful so not caring is self protection.

Find his passions, get him into an environment where he is excited to work on projects, find his motivation and use it to his advantage. Get him successes and build from there.

Feel free to contact me if you want other examples of schools that might make a difference for him, I would be glad to try and help.

Thanks for caring about this kid and not giving up. This is a life moment and you are making a difference.

Family counseling now.
He's going to be 18 in 4 short years and you won't be able to force him to see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist after that.
What ever you're all doing - it's not working - so get some professional help asap.

My question is what does motivate him? Is there something he wants to learn like video game design, computer coding, art (drawing, painting, etc)...what is he good at doing? Find out what is passion is...

Then start looking for a magnet or charter school that specializes in THAT...and then go see about what it would take to get him in to that program.

This question tugs at my heart strings because my 10 year old son had a spell that was very similar. He didn't want to take care of basic grooming or chores at home and then the school was calling me that he had checked out in class as well.

I sat him down and asked him what it was he wanted to do with his life. What he wanted to LEARN. He said he wanted to be a video game designer. So we looked into what that would take and found an online course that would start to teach him java script writing to code the game minecraft. I talked to his teacher and she runs the computer club and arranged for him to have 30 minutes at the end of the day to work on learning computer coding that she was teaching in the computer club. (He only got this time if he was engaged all day in class and on task).

He is a new child...he wakes up and takes care of all of his grooming and makes his bed...he is engaged in class and participating again doing the stuff he doesn't want to learn to get to learn what he does want to learn.

My son is in elementary so we are only dealing with one teacher. With high school it would be different which is why I am saying a charter or magnet school program to fit his needs...

It sounds like punishment isn't working so maybe earning a reward would work better. If you get up each morning for one week and take care of all your personal needs on your own, etc (or four out of five days)...then on Saturday we will take/drop of you and one friend at the movies. Then if you do it for two weeks straight (or 12 days out of 14), (let him pick some reward to look forward to doing).

Maybe he needs more carrot and less stick. You can punish my son all day and he will withdraw more and more. You offer a reward and he will go out of his way to earn it and be happy about doing it.

Good luck, as a step-parent it is hard.

Oh, and I think military school would be a really bad idea...

He's fourteen - he doesn't care because he doesn't know how hard life can be without an education.

What we did with my GS also at age 14 was put him on independent study and then he went to work with my husband every day. We told him he obviously wasn't going to be able to work with his mind since he didn't care to learn at school, so he needed to experience working with his back. He was exhausted. Started going to bed at 7:30 because he was just so darned tired after an 8 hour work day. Hubby worked him hard!

It worked. He went back to school, got good grades and is now set to graduate on time with his class!

Show him what he's in for with the choices he's making.

I might ramp up to a psychologist and perhaps some meds?? What is everyone's relationship like? If he were mine, I would look into making more alone time with each parent (gets them to talk when it's one on one) to both better the communication and deepen the ties.

You have to separate the normal (and annoying) teen stuff like raiding the fridge and not attending to grooming from the massive problem of failing grades and defiance.

The 2 parents need to be on the same page 100% of the time with total consistency between the 2 houses. Your job is to be supportive. I'm a stepmother and I know how frustrating that can be, but I can also tell you that kids can really go off the rails when the 2 ex-spouses are not unified.

Giving up is not an option - "only 3 weeks left"? "So disgusted and sick they can't even bear to deal with him anymore"? What is that about?

Kids do better when they have to earn privileges rather than when they are given everything and then things are taken away. The former empowers them, and the latter loads them up with privilege and then punishes, which leads to adolescent feelings of persecution and misery. If the private school setting is reinforcing the idea that "you're so lucky and so privileged", it may not be working. Look at the overall environment and make sure your stepson has enough diversity and attractive activities to motivate him. "Pulling him out" is one thing, but putting him in a better environment for him might make sense.

I think working with a therapist is a good idea, and I'd make sure there's a very serious attempt to figure out what this boy wants, and then to help him get there. If he has diagnosed ADHD, there may need to be a different manner of dealing with it. Is he medicated? Is he improperly medicated? Is he having side effects? That needs to be addressed and reviewed. A competent therapist with a strong background in behavioral issues and a familiarity with medications can help.

Throwing you and your child into turmoil isn't the objective, of course, but avoiding it isn't always possible. You can't make decisions as parents based on whether it will inconvenience someone else. The younger kids are watching how this gets handled too, so don't think they aren't picking up on it.

A lot of times teens test the parents - "How bad can I be before they reject me? I don't feel lovable so let's see if I can prove it by making my parents stop loving me."

Some way you need to figure out his "currency" .... what is it that motivates him?

He is getting close to driving age..... you can tell him he can't take Driver's Ed unless he holds a "B" average... and he had better start now to get the cumulative average up there!

Once he gets his license, you can tell him that ANYTIME his grade drops below a "B" in ANY class (via progress reports or however you set it up), he loses his license and can't drive.

That may be motivation for him.

I would second the suggestion about an evaluation for depression.... that could be part of the problem.

Unfortunately his mother is doing no favors with letting him burn. I think your DH should be in the counselor's office or at least speaking to the teachers. I think her idea to not do anything for 3 weeks is really going to be a mess. It will be 3 more weeks of digging a hole for him. It cannot be just "don't fail". It needs to be "here are tools to not fail" and really work with the kid, maddening as he is. He could be depressed, for example. He could be on the wrong medication. He could need tools and tips for managing his ADHD that he has not yet received. If they will be seeing someone new, what happened to the old one?

This is a stepparent's catch 22. You can't care more than anyone else does if all it does is turn you into the bad guy. But on the flip side, if you don't care at all, people get on your case for that, too. I would discourage my DH from allowing his child to fail (regardless of what his ex thinks) and try to get him to see that this might not be a discipline problem but an emotional one. It really makes me wonder if he's depressed and nobody sees it, and that is not something that clearing his room will fix.

I hope for your stepson's sake that his parents take this seriously, even if it is hard for them. I know a young man who dropped out of school, and even though he got his GED and is very good with computers, his un or improperly treated ADHD has followed him into adulthood where it now affects his child. For a good couple of years people cared just enough to get him to the age he could drop out and then everyone just gave up because he wasn't legally required to attend and it was too hard to make him go. I really hope that his parents, especially his mother, see that letting him do nothing for 3 weeks is still not in his best interest, even if it means her holidays are less stressful. I think he needs to see that therapist now, not next year and the meeting needs to be now, not after break.