Teens and Their Social Lives

Personally, I would have discussed the family's weekend plans with her earlier, instead of waiting to be asked. It's not very fair to have plans that include her and she has to participate in and not talk to HER about them until last minute either.
I also think it's ridiculous to put a 6 year old to bed at 6 pm. None of my kids ever went to bed that early, not even as infants or when sick.
I would have offered to drive her to her friend's house if the friend's parents could bring her home. It's ok to not want to disrupt the younger siblings at 10:30, but it just seems petty to be angry about driving her over at a decent time. It doesn't sound like she needs to learn to consider the younger siblings, it sounds like things revolve around them and she is trying to squeeze some time out for herself.

It seems like you are worn out from driving her younger sibs around and are off put because now she is asking of you as well. That doesn't really sound fair to her.

When I was 13, I would go to a friends after school and then end up spending the weekend away, going home around 4 on Sunday.

Why not pre-plan her activities so it isn't inconvenient? How can you make everyone happy?

If you re read your post, the overall impression is she is incoveniencing you and your other kids. If that comes through to her, she's going to feel that you care less about her than the younger ones and that's when teens start rebelling. Not her fault she has two younger siblings. She needs to plan but you need to assume she will want time with friends too. She found a ride home. You were so angry you had to drive her one way? Isn't that what you signed up for as a parent? Most parents I know are taxi services. My parents never complained about driving me as a teen and I still think how cool it was of them.

Weekends are for hanging with friends. It isn't just for teens. My kids have been doing it since kindergarten! Anyway, if it is too inconvenient to drive her then have her invite the gang over to your house. That's what I do when I don't feel like going out.

When I adopted my daughter it was assumed that I would cart her around and there was a lot of dance, figure skating and 11 years of year round softball and all the friends that come with that...plus school. She wasn't an arrogant snot about it.

When she was 15.5 I bought her a new car (her dad and I both had company cars at the time) and when she was 16 years and two days she got her license. One of the single best days of my life. She's a college student now and still does my grocery shopping and errands.

No, you don't have to inconvenience the family all the time. And I think asking her to give you notice is fair.

However, teens usually plan things at the last minute. It goes along with the age. So it might be hard for her to give you a lot of advance warning. It's very common for teens to become very social, as you know. Why couldn't your daughter sleep over at the friend's house once you dropped her off? It was Friday night after all. A sleepover would have solved the picking up problem.

My kids had sleepovers just about every weekend, so I didn't need to spend a ton of time picking up and dropping off. Sometimes it was all weekend, either at our house or the friends' houses.

Maybe you can become a little more relaxed and let her stay longer with her friends? If she's going to be with her family all weekend, it seems entirely fair to let her spend one night with her friends.

Gosh, I could have written this myself about a year ago when my middle child was 13. She's now 14 (turning 15 in January). I was pretty unhappy at first driving her around. But now, I'm actually ok with it. Spending time in the car with her gives me a chance to have her undivided attention. I also end up driving her friends around a lot, too (I have a minivan). I know all her friends and if I'm really quiet in the driver's seat, they chat amongst themselves as if I'm not there...I've gotten lots of good information that way. I don't love driving her around everywhere, but before I know it, she'll have her license and will be driving herself around. So my taxi service is temporary. I'm sure I'll actually miss it once she starts driving.

My oldest is a total introverted loner and hates hanging out with other people, so I never had to drive him anywhere. My youngest, at 12, has a very small, close circle of friends so I only ever have to drive her to one or two places and she often gets rides from her friends' parents. My middle child is a social butterfly. Plans every spare minute of the day, parties, boyfriend, football games at the high school, hanging out in town with friends, SO SO many friends, CONSTANTLY on the go. It's exhausting. I'm driving her places ALL. THE. TIME. But I've made my peace with it. It's what I've chosen to do.

You have to choose what works for you. If you can drive her somewhere and she can find a ride back, I'd say that's a pretty good compromise. Don't get angry. In a few short years, she won't need a ride from you anymore and you'll miss it.

I have more to say, but it's 9:15pm and I have to go out to pick her up from her friend's house now.

I think it is completely normal and healthy that teens want to socialize on the weekends. My husband and I have a much less busy social life now that our girls are 12 and 17. I actually am okay with this because this is a short term problem.

My 17 yo now drives and goes out with friends that drive. I really miss driving her. I found it to be great bonding time.

I do get what you are saying though and that is why my husband and I made an effort to have a teen friendly house. We always have lots of food/drinks for the kids, we have a hot tub and we give the kids privacy although we are home. Our house is often the hang out house so no driving for us:).

A family calendar in a public place could help. That way you can put everyone on notice of what is going on. As the parent you can say yes or no. As a parent you can insist on a certain amount of notice. If she sulks at being told no, then she can sit at home next time. I would have gotten into trouble with my parents if I continued to pursue a night out despite being told it wasn't convenient for them in the first place.

Best
F. B.

Yes absolutely they see friends every weekend. Look, I get it. My two oldest are 17, their younger siblings are 11 & 9. When they were 13, the younger boys were 5 & 7. Little guys. Some nights, the last thing I wanted to do was drag two small boys out at 10 PM to go pick them up - after a work of school and work, 4:30 wake ups for 6 AM hockey games, etc I'm tired. But that's the price of parenting teens.

I think you need to change your mindset to one where you need to expect that she'll make with plans for at least one night each weekend. Plan in advance - let her know that you've got X planned on this day and Y planned on that day so her opportunity to go out would be whatever other night is available. And if your husband won't be around, let her know that you can drive earlier but not later. Most of my older kids' friends parents were very understanding that I had younger kids and would volunteer to handle the later end of transportation. I'll do the same when my younger kids are teens and have friends with younger siblings.

Her expectations are not unreasonable, but she does need to plan more in advance and understand that your flexibility is limited. With advance planning, you get into a groove where it's really not an imposition, and it's nice because you can plan on more evenings home alone with just the younger kids. The younger boys and I spend Friday nights watching movies or some back-to-back TV episodes, have pizza and popcorn, etc. It's nice to have the older kids out of the house so that we don't have to find a movie that everyone likes, etc. There is a positive to this, you just need to get into a pattern with it.

the desperation to hang out with friends was pretty endemic here during the teen years, especially with my social butterfly younger. while i find this home to be a haven of serenity and pretty much never want to leave it, for a teenager it's the utter end in dullness. :)
and we did stretch ourselves to make sure that our kids could go hang with friends whenever possible, so long as they kept up their end with chores and schoolwork. on the rare occasions we couldn't make it work, there were long faces and occasional pouting.
maybe it's because i had boys, and my boys aren't particularly drama queen-ish, but i'd have an issue with tears and wild accusations. and if they happened i'd NEVER reward them by caving.
my concern with this post isn't the kid dying to escape the boredom of family and craving for friends, it's the nagging and whining, and then the capitulation on your part.
why SHOULDN'T your daughter now think it's golden for you to 'drop everything' and suck it up and twist yourself into a pretzel for her? you've made it clear that you are perfectly willing to do that.
teenagers are full of drama and hormones, but they're not stupid. during a relaxed and groovy moment you lay out the parameters for her, simply, and add that it's a no-tantrum zone. and if there are tears and slamming and whining, there will be consequences.
i allow a fair bit of latitude in personal expression when an angry young person needs to express herself, but bawling and yelling and chipping away at me with demands would be met with a pretty scary stinkeye and a moratorium on fun until the message was thoroughly internalized.
khairete
S.

I feel for your daughter AND you.
I remember what it was like and how very unfair it felt that all of my plans had to revolve around my younger siblings. And I have 4! I think she did pretty good at finding something to do and then having a ride home. It may have been a little inconvenient, but at the end of the day, not THAT bad.
And I feel for you. As a mom of 3 I am exhausted by the weekend, and then it doesn't really matter because I am still shuttling my 2 boys (13 and 10) off to soccer games (4!). I would love to have some time to just veg.
But I am a mom, and sometimes that means that my wants and needs are not at the top of the list. And sometimes that means my 13 year old doesn't get to do something, or my 10 year old doesn't, or my 4 year old doesn't.
My suggestion.
Sit down and talk with your daughter when things aren't so heated. DO NOT BRING UP HER SIBLINGS. If her social life is messed up because of them she will resent her siblings. (I didn't want to have children for years).
Maybe something along the lines of, "Sarah, I know that it is really important for you to have a social life. I remember how much fun it was to hang out with my friends and have a great time. I also understand that things happen last minute. Here's what I would like to do. I can commit to getting you either to or from ONE thing every weekend. You will need to get your ride for the other way. AND I need at least a day's notice. Does that seem fair to you?" And if she says no then have her tell you what she thinks is fair.
The teen years are a bumpy road, but I believe with a lot of open communication then you should be alright.
(I know that your daughter probably loves her siblings. BUT, in her 13 year old mind she is probably thinking that she did not chose to have those kids, you did, and she doesn't understand why their needs are coming before hers. That's why I wouldn't bring up the sibs at all. Just my own thoughts)
Good luck,

I tend to take the opposite approach.

I tell kids what days are free. Like I'll say "We're not doing anything Sunday - want to have your friends over?" then I get all my kids to have their friends over the same day. That frees up say Saturday.

And we'll drive all the kids' friends home. That way their parents get one free day to themselves kind of thing. Or they know they have that night off.

This is really normal, yes. For us it started a bit earlier than 13 so I'm used to it by now.

But definitely don't go way out of your way to the point where you are annoyed. We do say no. We'll say "nope, that's not going to work" and they are not allowed to press us on it.

My family is very relaxed on weekends. We don't tend to book them up after a busy week, so it's not a big inconvenience for us to drive a kid to a friends. But I supposed if you were really busy, you'd have to plan more.

My teens don't always want to hang out with younger siblings. So remember your 13 year old would prefer to hang with friends than 6 year old brother. That's pretty standard.

Essentially, if mom and dad have settled down on the couch and had wine/beer then we're not budging.

Good luck :)

I am so surprised at how many moms feel that this is "the price of parenting"! I have 6 kids and yes, I do TONS of driving - mostly for sports related/school related stuff. Although I have driven my kids to or from a friend's house, there is no way that I would have allowed them to "demand" that I drive them or act huffy about it. When I was a kid, if I couldn't get there on a bike, I couldn't go. My youngest sibling is 12 years younger than me - I would have NEVER asked my mother to wake a younger sibling so I could go hang out with friends.

Honestly, I don't think the "suck it up and deal with it" is appropriate at all. I guess I would be very specific and clear regarding what you are willing and not willing to do and how much notice would you like to have if she is making plans (I realize this is a learned skill for kids - expect some planning mistakes). Stick to your guns. If no rides are given after a certain time of night, then don't do it. If Sunday is going to be "family day" then stick to that plan. If you are going to give one ride a week, then stick to that.

Good luck!

Here is my problem with this:
"I realize it's normal for her to want to do this.".

Ya know what?
YOU get to decide/define what is normal.
YOU are the MAMA - flex your Mama muscles and put your foot down.
And it is within your power to say "No" and mean it.

You also can say "No" once and that is her final warning.
Any more nagging, moping, smart mouthing and attitude and she can do extra chores, be grounded and/or drop and give you 50 push ups.
In fact, since she has so much time to plan outings away from the house, it's high time she take part in the family by doing more chores (along with all the other kids) to help run the house hold.
Our son was doing his own laundry at that age and that is only one thing on his list - plus he helps with WHAT EVER needs doing when asked ONCE and we get no, zip, zero complaints - and we get constant compliments on his behavior/attitude every where we go.

She does an end run around you because you cave in to her and she knows that "No" doesn't really mean "No".

Social life smocial life - she can save it for college.
And further more, she can earn her own money when she's old enough to get a job to support her social lifestyle.
Stop just handing out the cash.

Teens like to think the world revolves around them.
It's your job to inform her it doesn't.

I'm right there.
I feel like a limo service!

When he's old enough to drive, I'm going to send him on 10 trips to the store per day for O. item at a time! Lol

IF it fits in with our plans, I usually allow the social get together. If not, oh well. AND plans must be SOLID before he leaves the house, who, what, why, when, where.

MANY times I've been volunteered to drive other kids home. It amazes me how many fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants parents are out there.

I've driven a kid home to an empty house hearing "my parents must still be out..." Really? How did they think you were getting home?!

Once or twice a week is pretty typical here.
I have kids here All. The. Time!

This is an age when they are much more social, finding themselves, getting more independence and responsibility.

I did my time driving to/from the mall, the movies, friends homes, etc. Try not to be petty or angered by it.... I get how you feel used!

Your daughter is growing up and becoming more social. Many of my daughters friends parents and I took turns carpooling them to and from.

This is the beginning of her growing up and out. Yes, there are some trying times involved but overall try to understand her and see her point of view because the social life is so important to them right now.

This does not mean being at her beck and call. Set up boundaries, schedules, and follow them. Before you know it, she'll be off to college!!

Best wishes!

Since you gave in after saying no she knows that if she keeps pushing you that you'll cave. I learned this from a therapist who tested the theory right there in a session. My daughter started in after a few minutes that she was bored and could she walk across the parking lot to McDonald's to get some fries. I told her no, she wasn't old enough to walk over there by herself and come back.

She kept pressing me when I'd start talking to the therapist again and again. Of course I didn't want to go off on her and tell her to stop butting in while we're in family therapy, right?

So I eventually handed her the money and told her to go. She went out and the therapist asked me why I had given in. We spent a couple of minutes talking then he opened the door up and my daughter came in, handed me the money and sat down.

The therapist told me that my daughter had told him that she could get her way at least 80% of the time if she just kept bugging me because I'd give in to shut her up.

She was right.

Your daughter knows this about you. YOU have to find your inner strength and make a line in the sand and stand behind it. If you aren't sure how you feel about a request then stand behind that line and say "Honey, I am not sure how I feel about this, I need time to consider it. IF you bother me about it and keep asking me about it I am going to get angry and if I get angry about it then I will say no just because you bothered me again. I will let you know by XXam/pm what my answer is. At that time you can ask me about it if "I" have not let you know.

If you know it's a sure thing the answer is no then you need to tell her no. If she's fighting for something that's important to her then you can sit down with her and discuss it. This shows her that you will listen to her and give her the attention she needs. Otherwise she learns you don't care enough to listen to her. If it's just every day stuff like this situation then a simple NO is sufficient.

If it's a maybe, probably yes, then let her know you'll see if it can be worked out but you have other responsibilities. That she can work on a solution on her own then present it to you. YOU still can say no, that it won't work out, but she can see if there is another way to make it happen.

There are all sorts of other scenarios of course but these examples are ones that I had to learn.

Working with this therapist was the best thing ever for me. Not so great for my daughter because she gave away her biggest secret, that I could be made to do whatever she wanted.

It wasn't easy. I said no a lot of times I wasn't sure that the activity was a problem just to get her to learn to not bother me.

In your situation, with this activity. There is no way I'd have let her go because I said no and she kept on and went behind my back to make other arrangements.

Although a younger sibling going to be at 6pm is crazy, and I'm wondering if he's coming down with something, is important she needs to learn some empathy.

You need to find a balance here.
Of course you shouldn't drop everything at a moment's notice.
On the other hand, having little siblings is hard enough at this age, don't cause even further resentment by using them as the reason she can't see her friends.
Work WITH her (as hard as it is, I honestly hate the middle school years.)
Her friends all have parents going through the same thing, so plans will change and shift a LOT, based on their family and work schedules too.
Try to arrange things at your house as much as you can. I found it easier to host than to be out driving at all hours but that was just me.
People think the infant/toddler years are hard, but IMO you're just getting started with the hard stuff.
Good luck.

I get this, I really do! My daughter is a bit older, 14 and change, and she's our only, so we don't have the siblings in the mix, but I know where you're coming from.

First, I agree with both Missy and Fanged Bunny below: A family calendar plus discussing weekend plans well in advance are both great ideas. At 13, kids very strongly want to feel some control over their own time, yet they have no way to drive themselves anywhere and have to wait on adults or siblings' plans. Plus, at 13, certainly with girls, their friends start to mean the world to them in a way that's deeper than elementary school best buddies, so they can balk when adults don't see that it's ever so vital to see Friend this very instant. It's normal and part of separating from you --but they want to separate when they can't actually schedule themselves or transport themselves. It's frustrating for them, too.

So do whatever you can to make her feel that, if she acting responsibly and thinking ahead, she will get more input and more choice. That does not mean, and should never mean, that you cave to every demand for a ride somewhere at the last minute, or rearrange your life, but it can mean that you talk to her -- and yes, to her friends' parents -- early and often.

I add "her friends' parents" because I've found that, as much as some folks say "Let teens do all their own social planning, don't be a social secretary," I find that younger teens actually often don't know what their own schedules are fully, and certainly don't know (or care much) about sibling schedules that could affect their own plans. It's really not helicoptering, in my book, to shoot parents a quick e-mail or text along the lines of "Sally said she and your Jenny want to get together this weekend but Sally doesn't know Jenny's schedule. What would work? We can't do Sunday or Saturday before noon." Or have Sally and Jenny talk to the respective parents and arrange it but ensure that all the parents know what's up. It sounds like the latter is what was happening last night, but the notice was too short, it was the end of the week, you had one tired younger sibling, husband was out....Just a bad time all around for this sudden request, truly. She said that she herself doesn't always have notice, but she and you need to discuss how last-second requests don't work (and when they do work, such as when husband and sons are all at home for the evening and there's no reason not to take her somewhere).

I hope that you can get past last night's anger - which was totally justifiable, she sprang this one on you AND she cried at you, I'd be angry too! -- but I hope you can get past last night. It's a drag to haul kids here and there all weekend, and it feels like her desire for time with friends is adding more chauffeuring to the list, but she can hang out at your own house at times. Surprise her big-time by taking the initiative yourself once in a while: "Saturday the 18th, (a date in the future) you can have a friend (set the number) over here, top a pizza yourselves and have the den to yourselves for movies or games or whatever (you and dad are committing to keep the siblings out of her hair). Friend comes over around, say, 4 and we will take her home at 10 (transportation is set).. Who are you going to ask?" She'll be blown away that you're initiating it and that you're giving her a space that's temporarily brother-free for her to be with a friend.

When she wants to go to someone else's, think about a rule that she has to give you X days notice (you decide how much you need) and you have to get a text or e-mail from the other kid's parent with confirmation. No more "I want to hang out right NOW" kinds of surprises from her, but also some initiative where you say, the answer will usually be yes, but you have to follow these steps. She might complain like last night that she doesn't always have notice herself, but I'd tell her it's up to her to work with her friends to curb the last-second calls. Again-- tell her it's going to be yes much more often if she gives you notice and is flexible about others' needs. Then say yes whenever you can.

In the case of the hangout last night -- the friend's mom drove her back home to your house. That's pretty much what we all do around here with our non-driving teens; if one parent brings a kid over, the host parent might bring that kid back home at the end. It's fine to tell your daughter to ask, "My mom can't pick me up at the end because my brothers will be asleep and my dad is out. Is it possible to get a lift home, and next time we'll bring Jenny back home when she's here?" If the other parent can bring her back to you, it all works, and if not -- maybe next time. Don't hesitate to ask the other parent about a ride, or to say to your girl, "Well, you can't go tonight because Jenny's folks can't bring you home but that's not their fault or ours -- how about you and Jenny make a plan for next weekend and we'll know way in advance."

If my 12 year old wanted to go to a friends house at 6 and my 6 year old was tired, I would let him sleep in the car for the drive and then get him in bed. I don't think teens/pre-teens should suffer because of younger siblings.

I also don't think she would ever EXPECT you to drop everything and take her. But if her only plans are for Friday evening, why not make that happen for her?

Weekends are meant for time with friends and to unwind, especially at that age. My daughter had a sleepover with 8 friends 40 minutes away from home. Fortunately the mom hosting the sleepover was grocery shopping by me, so she took my daughter to her house. The next day pickup was at the start of my son's football game, so I would have missed BOTH of their games had I picked her up - another friend got her. Then three of the girls got the football field in the second half and hung out. We went to lunch, dropped both girls at home, and went home. So was it super convenient for us to have that many extra kids? Nope. Was it planned? Nope. Did it give my 12 year old some time with her friends we knew she needed? Absolutely.

It's a balancing act...and sometimes the younger siblings have to give in a little too.

In that situation I still would not have taken her because you did not save a trip by not picking her up, someone else was simply inconvenienced by having to make the trip for you (the other girls mother). If my son wants to go to a friends house he can walk, if it is too far and I can't then though luck kiddo, when you get old enough you can get a car and then you won't have to rely on me. If I have nothing else going on I will make the time to drive them or host friends, but not always, and very rarely with no notice. They need to learn to have respect for my time as well.

She's maturing and her desire for freedom is normal. However, she's still a kid which is why she resorts to tantrums and storming off, screaming how life is not fair because she can't have everything her way. Setting ground rules now will help you a lot when she is 15 and 16!

She an't have it both ways - lots of freedom but still whining. She'll need help from you to start to navigate the art of negotiation. So show her. Use the example of good problem solving getting her friend's mother to do half the driving when her siblings would be asleep. But it was preceded by a tantrum. So that can't happen again. Negotiation is about everyone getting something they want. So you need help with the little kids and you need note, and she gets to do more. Spontaneity is great for her, but hard for you. So what can she do to get more of what she wants? Keeping a calm head and acknowledging that you and her brothers have rights and needs is a good start for her. In return, you won't over schedule her and you will let her out of some family activities. The more notice you get, the more flexible you can be. The more she can help (doing the dinner dishes, helping the younger ones with homework so you can iron the outfit she just absolutely has to have, or doing her own laundry so there isn't a last minute panic), the more she is showing maturity and consideration of others, and the more privileges and treats she will earn. She needs to see you as her best ally here, not the "mean mom." Drama gets her nowhere, cooperation gets her much further.

My kids are almost 16 and almost 13. I have never had them ask Friday what we are doing and THEN try to make plans for the weekend. Our plans for the weekend are usually planned at the beginning of the week. My kids have always known a week early if they are invited over for a bday party or a pool party.

I suppose my kids are not the typical kids in that sense. I guess if mine did ask me on a Friday and we had plans, I would say sorry, you can't do it this time, maybe plan ahead better next time and we can squeeze something in. There is NO WAY I would "suck it up" and run my kids around anytime they wanted to do something. On occasion I would make a change to allow them to do something if it came up last minute depending on how easily our plans could change, but not always. Everything in moderation. Good luck.

She's a teen, soon to be adult.
They are social at school all week and try to make plans for the weekend, and yes, youngin's are a lot more spontaneous than adults at times.
Your daughter needs to know if there are "family plans" for the wknd she is part of that plan.
She's way too young yet to let her be on her own every wknd. I got a little crazy when I was in my young teens.
YOU, MOM, make the rules that you can live with.
But if you dont let her have a "little wing time" she'll be sneaking out at night---- it's all about COMMUNICATION and mutual respect for what's going on in all of your lives. She's growing up-- you've got some head butts ahead of you.
Stay strong.

Sounds like you got caught off-guard since this is new behavior. Of course you don't HAVE to let her socialize every weekend or drop everything when you don't want to very time she has a conversation with a friend.

Just be prepared next time. Figure out what YOU want as a system, and then lay it out for her. "Honey, you can't expect to be social every single weekend and you can't demand that I make sure you can be whenever I don't have other excuse for you. I'm the mom. I'm in charge. It's not my job to make sure you never miss a social outing. I foresee you going out with your friends approx,____times per month IF its convenient for me and not if something comes up here. Sometimes extra stuff can happen if your friend's parents drive you, but not always, and if you throw fits or treat me disrespectfully you won't be socializing for a while."

This type of thing is right around the corner for me. My oldest is 9 and she and her bossy friend PRESSURE me at times, but I stand my ground. You have to! Good luck!

Sure glad you asked this question!

I will be heading down this road soon myself, and everyone's responses are helping me prepare :-).

Oh, and for the record, my kids have gone to bed/ fallen asleep at 6pm. Nothing wrong letting a child fall asleep when he is tired.......

Keep on laying down the boundaries and reiterating that she doesn't live in a vacuum. Expect that she will not always be happy, but neither does she get to dictate to you what you do or where she goes. She asks permission and gets a yes or no. We told my sks that if they harassed us, cried, pouted, etc. then the rest of the weekend was a no. No, we would not drive them anywhere that didn't involve somewhere they were required to be (like a football game when they were on the team).

Yes, they hung out with friends all the time. Sometimes SD in particular would visit her BFF and be gone Friday through Sunday. It was OK with us if we knew where she was, if the family was OK with it, and if she kept up with her HW (often HW done first was a requirement).

I would remind her that while you understand teens live on the last minute (and college kids, too - ask my SD when she will be here this coming week and it still is TBD) she also has to understand that you don't HAVE to take her anywhere or do anything. If she would like more from you, she needs to be respectful. Respect begets respect. Sometimes, if they were not being surly, I would say, "Hey, SS, do you want a ride instead of catching the bus? I'm heading out and will drop you off." It helped to surprise them sometimes and remind them that we're not ogres. And if, due to the other kids, taking her OUT if she has a ride HOME works better for you, tell her that.

I think that her plan of returning via the other parents was valid, but all the hoopla getting there would be something I'd ask her to avoid.

You're smart to think about this now and set up some boundaries. Whatever you do try not to let yourself feel resentful, the kiss of death for Mom & Teen relationships!

Set some rules and then get ready to bend them a bit now and then as long as she's doing what she should in the rest of her life. They don't plan ahead much in my experience. If you make your house a fun and relaxed place to be they will naturally want to be there more and have their friends over.

You only have a couple of years before she'll have friends who drive. A whole new area to set boundaries! I always try to remind myself what it felt like to be that age, so excited to live life but still tied tightly to family. Sometimes it is nearly impossible for them to see past Friday night, good luck!

ah, the joys of teenagers. i remember that phase with my parents and i am going through it with my darling son (14).

i don't think i would have taken her for two reasons. one, i'm a planning kind of girl and spur of the moment is really anxiety provoking for me. two, you just rewarded some pretty self centered and negative behavior. this means she's been positively reinforced and now knows how much and how far to get you to your giving in point.

bottom line...sometimes the answer is no, whether they're 3 or 13 or even 83. i would use this as an opportunity to negotiate a solution that involved some future resolution.

I hope you don't misinterpret me and think that i'm being critical. these new waters can be very difficult and emotionally charged....let's not forget the hormone facor here that steamfuels the drama and the phrases that include ALWAYS and NEVER. All i'm saying is that i try to never positively reinforce negative behaviors.

my teenage conundrum is that he plays steam games with his friends online and, while he does do this under our roof, he considers it social time with them and all i see is him glued to the laptop. but that's another discussion for another day.

Best of luck to you. the good news is she'll be driving soon and the bad news is that she'll be driving soon. :-) S.

I think you have the right idea....you do not have to drop everything when you have other kids especially at their ages & your child's last minute plans.

I would set some ground rules about "pre plainnng" and "last minute ideas".

If she wants to do things w/friends, it has to fit in w/the family's plans until she is 16 & can drive herself.

Don't be too hard on yourself....yet I give you credit for trying to "do" for your daughter. It's a balancing act & for her she will come in last place after all of your other items are taken care of.

I do know how you feel and it's annoying to have to go out at night when you just want to relax. However, it's WAY easier than the nights of not taking her and having her out with friends and your worried and can't relax until she is actually home. At least this way you had peace of mind about her safety. Hope this makes you feel a little better.

Lots of great advice here. I'll just add my two cents - when she asks "what are we doing this weekend" - that's the wrong question. The question should be "Do you think I will get to hang out with so-and-so this weekend?" what you're doing has little to do with it. It's whether you have the time, energy, money, AND inclination to taxi her around. She is assuming that if there is "time" that she can automatically go.

I know that feeling of something being sprung on you, especially in a "new" situation. You will know better and be prepared for next time. Just because you gave her the reasons you couldn't go doesn't mean it's then her choice to go and work around that. The answer should have been "Not tonight". I think clearer boundaries will help some of the drama. Good luck!

Welcome to "Mom's Taxi Service". I totally get wanting advance notice. We all do; however, doesn't always work that way. She was quite industrious to get her friend's mom to bring her home. She heard what you said and made arrangement to not inconvenience you. What I heard from you is "I'm tired and I don't want to cart you anywhere at all".

You are now the parent of a teenage with younger kids. You are going to have to learn the balancing act. You cannot punish your daughter because she has little siblings. Please don't use her siblings as an excuse. You will just grow resentment and that is not good.

Have a one on one talk with your daughter. Not a heated argument just a discussion. Explain to her how you are feeling and LISTEN to her. Honestly, right now her world is her friends. Its the age. 13 is a SUCKY age for girls. They are emotional, moody, nasty creatures. yuck! BUT we have to help guide them during this time. I tried to remember what it was like at that age and how difficult it was. Just living was hard! =) My Mom was always gracious to my requests. Scheduled or not and I certainly tried that with my daughter. Good luck, you are navigating "teen waters"!! I do not miss that!!!

What is the age of the other brother? It would help to know if he's old enough to sleep in his/your bed while you run your daughter one way versus loading everyone up.

Guiding teens with how to balance social time with family time with study time with personal time with give-mom-enough-notice time is the new norm for you. Please don't make this a battle. Having healthy social outlets is paramount to your daughter's long term success.

My son is 14 going on 15. He just really started hanging out with friends on weekends and after school. However, I have told him the exact same thing. Than I simply can not drop what I'm doing and drive him somewhere. My daughter is only 3 and she goes to bed at 7:30 every night. He knows that if he goes to a friends house he will need to spend the night because I can't drag his sister out of the house at 11:00 pm to pick him up. Welcome to the teenage years. I think it gets worse before it gets better. The attitudes and nastiness are part of it. I keep trying to remind myself that I was once a teenager and I had an attitude with my parents too. Good luck!

I have a 9 year old am running into this "issue". My daughter has a friend who lives a few blocks over. She wants to go over to her friend's house ever day after school. The issue is i know for a fact that her friend is picked up from school by her grandmother (who does not live close by) and not one of her parents. She's also been asking about weekends, wanting to just walk over.

We have Two new rules, I must have 24 hour notice and I must talk to an adult.