Teens Having Sex

Bold move for her first time....grandparents sleeping in the other room? There has to be some intermediate steps, to go from 0 to 100 mph is crazy.

Ugh I did at 15 (he was 18). I was with my ex from 14- 26 and in my teen years gosh I did that more than any other activity. Most people I knew were VERY active, experimental....think about what you did when you were a teen. I never smoked or did any drugs but my croud was consumed with them. I am locking my daughter up at 13 or putting her in the nunnery=)
My actual advice woul;d be to punnish for the things she did wrong, not the sex, and then EDUCATE her. There are so many myths regarding when "safe" times are, std's... let her know how she can get an std even if they are both virgins (herpes) and educate and give her brith control!

It sounds like you need to have a very awkward conversation with your daughter about the emotional and physical consequences of sex.Tell her the hard, honest truth. Boys at her age are sex crazy and only care about her body, no matter what they tell her. And the more sexual partners she has, the more emotional and physical baggage she carries through life and the less meaning sex carries with it. If she's old enough to have sex then, she's old enough to talk about it seriously.

As a side, find a way to impose some limits on her activity. This strange boy may be harmless (if you call taking the virginity of a 14 year girl harmless), but the next boy may and will likely not be. In my opinion, NOTHING good comes from teenagers having sex. Nor is it a harmless recreational activity.

And considering your daughter is still child, even in the eyes of the law, I would insist on meeting with the boy WITH his parents and having another awkward conversation with them too. These kids need to understand the gravity of their fling.

You need to meet this boy. That's what I would do. I'd also get Depo-Provera shots if she's not pregnant so that you don't end up with a grandchild. You cannot prevent her from doing it if she is bound and determined. But you can hopefully prevent pregnancy. She needs a CRASH COURSE in STD's, like driver's ed and gory car wrecks. And I mean hours of it.

I hope that you can face this head on.

Dawn

First of all, her letting a stranger into her grandparents house in the middle of the night is a very dangerous thing.
I would take steps to prevent that from happening a second time.
Does she know you have access to her email? Snooping brings things to light that sometimes was better left alone, however, when it comes to our children I think we do have the right to snoop until they are 18.
You probably should set her down and let her know that you know. That will be pretty mortifying for her. Definitely make a gynecological appoint and attend with her. Have another birds and bees talk with her, and especially talk about valuing herself enough not to give out something so personal (her body) to boys. She's a child doing an adult thing. Chances are you wont be able to stop it from happening again, but if she's aware that you know it may hinder her from sneaking around and trying to find places to "do it" in the future. I'd be on her like glue for awhile. 14 is too young in my opinion, much too young.

Im 35 years old and dread dealing with this when time comes (mine are still very young). However, I can say now, not being in your situation that yelling, screaming and even condonning sex could have the reserve action. I would express concern to her, make sure she understands the consequences of having sex and how to move forward with her being safe. I am not saying putting her on birth control is the answer but ensuring she has access to condoms. I am not trying to encourage sex at 14 yrs of age by any means and it sickens me to think of it BUT I am realistic with how kids can and will react. I think you have to react to her based on your relationship with her and what kind of a kid she is. Be calm, encourage abstinence but give her "tools" and knowledge should she choose to have sex. You can't stop her and she will continue to have sex without you knowing. Be prepared for that and again, don't support it but ensure she is safe. Good luck to you!!!

Since, I have a 13 year old daughter thinking about how I would handle the situation makes my stomach turn a little. However, since she is having sex now I would definitely talk to her about getting on birth control. I had sex for the first time when I was pretty young and after my mom found out I told her I didn't need to be on birth control becuase I was never going to do it again, well the second time is easier than the first time and that 13 year old daughter of mine was born two months before my 18th birthday.

Take a deep breath. Now, let it out slowly. You haven't had a reaction yet because you are in shock. Shock helps cushion the blow of trauma. While some may not think this is traumatic, wait until it is your kid and get back to me.

Having said that, I completely empathize with you. I recently found out that my sixteen year old daughter had sex for the first time. It is shocking. It is one of those things that you know will happen eventually, but knowing that does not make it any easier when it actually happens, even though she is the one that told me, and the experience was a first for both her and her long-time boyfriend. It is still not easy to her, but thank goodness for shock. I don't think I would have been able to have a rational discussion about it if I had not been in shock.

Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing by making an appointment for her. I tell my kids that sex is an adult act and, if you are going to have sex, take adult responsibility, i.e., birth control. You did not say if you have talked to her about it, but if not, do so soon before the shock wears off. This way you can talk with her without being overly emotional. I know it sounds weird, but it is very important to be calm about it. The mother of one of my daughter's friends found out about her daughter roughly around the same time I did, and it was a huge mess. She called her daughter ugly names, threw out all of her shorts, tank tops, and any "revealing" clothing, and will not let her go anywhere without a family member. The kid is a wreck and traumatized from the whole experience. She cries at school all the time and goes to the counselor at school daily to deal with her mother at home. I am not saying that you don't have a reason to be upset, you do, but you don't want to cause serious emotional problems or self-esteem problems because of this.

Hang in there. I know this is hard, but you and your daughter can get past this.

(Hugs)

get her tested for every VD on planet earth, as i told my sister when she was a teenager, a boy is NOT going to tell you he has a disease, a teenage boy isnt thinking beyond the length of his own dick, so dont waste your breath thinking the boy will suddenly man up and come forward if and when your daughter gets pregnant..and when he gets bored with her, and he will, he will dump your daughter in a new york minute, and you will be stuck with a heart broken, blubbering teenager.. so, you better stock up on kleenex now.when all my sister friends started having sex, i took my sister to the local womens shelter so she could see where alot of young unwed mothers end up, when their families give up on them, and sure enough, she saw several of her former classmates, needless to say, my sister decided to put off having sex
K. h.

Talk with her. than take her to your OB or a Planned Parenthood so she can talk with a professional about her choices, and get on birth control if she thinks she will continue to have sexual encounters. Make sure she understands that BC only protects against pregnancy, so condoms every single time are a must! How you react to this and how you treat her will decide whether she talks to you in the future or if she continues to sneak around behind your back.

Well, first off I think you are on the right track. She absolutely needs birth control so it's good you have an appointment set up. However, I might go ahead and consider instead of taking her to the clinic to go ahead and take her to your OB. She will need an exam now that she's sexually active and the doctor can talk to her all about STIs, etc., something that may be taken better from the doctor than you, although you should absolutely talk to her about that stuff too. If you're feeling very progressive, I'd go ahead and buy her some condoms too b/c even if she's on BC, who knows what that 14 y/o boy is up too and she should absolutely be using both!!!

Also, are you sure this was her first time? Unless it said so specifically in the email, don't be so sure.

I agree with meeting the boy, this is necessary.

I think meeting with the counselor is good and will give you some support for sure.

All in all you're doing the right things, Mama! I can't imagine how hard this is. I sort of went through it with my niece, she was also 14 at the time, and it's nauseating to say the least, but I know it will feel different with my own daughter!

I have no advice for you. My oldest is 9, just now interested in girls. I'm going to be reading a few books on how to handle it before then. Hopefully they wait until at least 17 like I did. Good luck.

It's a bit early in the teen years but she did have her first encounter. The next thing for you to do is to make sure that she does not have a baby at 15. Time to take all the blinders off and talk to her as an young adult and be matter of fact about everything.

Have her meet with the counselor and a pediatrician or a regular doctor about what she is doing. She wants to be an adult time to treat her as one. Be there for when she needs you and has questions. Be her support center and let her know that. Let her know that what she did is not the end of the earth just prepare her for all the things that could have and could be said about her character.

The teen years and the roller coaster ride.

The other S.

PS She does need some kind of birth control to use that she will use and not forget (that's why the doctor's visit). This is the 21st century and girls of this century act a whole last faster than girls of the 20th century about sex.

My first thought is "nunnery." But that might just be the knee-jerk reaction of someone with two daughters. In all seriousness though, I know I would be running a much tighter ship and mine would be seriously losing some freedoms- phone, internet and definitely all unchaperoned social time. If the grandparents can't control her I would be making sure she is under my watchful eye at all times. 14 is so YOUNG! Gosh that's scary and I am so sorry you are dealing with this! There would definitely be a long and scary slide show about STDs with LOTS of detail and if I could convince the other parents to make their child attend that would be happening as well. Birthing videos showing as much as possible would be on my list and I also would look into having her talk with a few people who were young mothers so they can let her know exactly how hard it is to raise a baby so young or the heartbreak and regret of giving up for adoption or aborting. Am I over-reacting? Unfortunately for my young daughters, no not at all. I want them to have the wonderful, blessed youth that I had and to be able to go to college and travel, find a career they love and find a husband they treasure. And I will do everything possible to save them from themselves to get them there!! I think the most important thing you have to communicate is to let her know she is important and valuable and worth so much more than how she is treating herself. She deserves more but if she is determined to throw it away she will. Your job is to calmly explain all the consequences you set up for her and maintain control of chaperoning her and let he know why. It's because you want her future to be so great and you can't allow the self-destructive behaviors. Is it possible she might succeed in ruining her childhood anyway? Possible. But you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't try to stop her. Hopefully she will see the logic of your desire for her future.

everyone has had some great advice... I did react very calmly calculated everything I said. She says they used a condom, I told her that's not enough. I am aware that teenagers sometimes make the irresbonsible choice to have sex. We discussed the subject for quite a few hours and got on the same page (for now) I scheduled her counceling appointment (see's him for for dealing with scoliosis and death of her father) and I spoke to her awesome pedetrician who was very understanding and already has a plan of action whenever we are ready. I DO not condone this kind of behavior, she is a straight A student in the GATE program and truly enjoys school, but is going through some identity issues. I think more than the sex was her lack of respect for her loving g'parents who do a lot to help her and her impulsiveness. She plans to attend BTW the boy is 17 and in an "at risk" high school. She knows I read her email and I have a right to especially when these things are happening. Until that night, she had never even been alone with a boy like that. According to another mutual friend he has been with a lot of girls...I don't want to meet him or his parents, but I did send him the message that I will call the police if he tries to contact her. I do this all by myself and I always considered myself a good and alert interactive mom,I thought I was doing everything I could to keep her safe and smart, but now I'm second guessing everything...now I wonder if it was all wasted energy. She is a sweet girl and I feel sad that it didn't happen when she was in love or married so it would be special.

I would quit my job, pull her out of school and homeschool her, and take away EVERYTHING. She would be under 24 hour supervision for the next 2 years. I'd be like white on rice - I'd also tell the boys parents, the school, his church. IF he is over 18, I would also report him to the police. Your girl has gotten out of hand and is playing with fire. Sex at 14? I'd also have her tested for drugs.
I feel so bad for you, but something has gone terribly wrong here. She has fallen under the assumption that sex is a sport. Check out what Dr. Laura has to say about it.
And go get yourself some counseling - the first thing we do as Moms is to blame ourselves. Her behavior is her responsibility.
Good luck!

your next move is birth control. get her on something right away!

It's such a big step for her to take. I am sorry she is so young to have jumped on that bandwagon. I helped a friend do a research project in a small town that had the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the state.

They talked to her openly about their reasons why and the hows and the after effects of it.

They all said once they started they will not stop. Even if mom and dad kicked them out, if they want to have sex they are going to find a way to go do it. They also said they had multiple partners. So I think that this is a great time to have that talk about how this is supposed to be something special to be shared with someone we love.

Just excepting her and talking calmly with her will help her to adjust to your ideas without having to preach to her via yelling and screaming.

I do think if this is a boyfriend and not just some passing guy that the more you let them spent time together at your home, in the common areas the better off you'll feel about him. If you keep him close then you keep her close too.

It sounds like you are staying calm and reasonable, which is awesome. Essentially it is normal for young teenagers to have sex. It is nice that you scheduled an appointment with a clinic, as it is so important to check for STDs, and to possibly get your kid on birth control if you do not think she'll use condoms properly. But maybe she does not need to see a counselor. That makes it seem like she did something that is not normal, not o.k., something dirty. Maybe if you speak to her she will trust you. If she is ready to have sex, I am sure you can help her keep it safe. My boy is very little, but I remember my parents allowing me to bring boys home because they did not want me to hide (this is thought to be safer and most European parents let their teenagers have sex at home to keep them safe). Also, they gave me condoms and talked to be about whether I wanted to be on the pill.
Good Luck!