Teens Overstepping Their Boundaries or Not ?

All you need to do is the basics of good communication: Tell your children where you are going, who you are going with, and when you will return. Tell them that if something comes up and you will be late you will let them know. It's the same thing you expect anyone in your household to do.

As far as your 18 yr old? He's looking for all the rights of an adult without the responsibilities. Let him know that yes legally he's an adult however he's living a child's life right now. When he completes his education, gets a job to support himself, pays rent or a mortgage, pays 100% of his bills including food, and owns a car that he pays insurance on then he can have that adult conversation with you. In order to have the right to call yourself an adult you have to live up to the responsibilities. Sorry kid, that's how it goes.

For your kids calling, I would tell them before you leave the house that you are silencing your phone, then do just that. You are entitled to your privacy, and don't have to answer to them. When they pester you for details that you don't want to share later, simply tell them it is none of their business. Tell them that you are a big girl, you have done this before, and that they need to back off. If they are supposed to be in bed when you get home, but aren't, punish them. Take away privileges, give them chores, something to take back the power in your house. If it hurts their feelings, then they will just have to get over it.

I haven't dated with kids, but my dad dated quite a bit through my teen years. I would never have dreamed that it was ok to treat him with such disrespect.

As for your son, tell him that you will treat him like an adult when he acts like an adult. He can follow his own rules, and have all the rights he wants when he is living in his own place; but under your roof he follows your rules. No ifs ands or buts about it.

You know what? I think it's really cute and nice that they are worried about you. Tell them you will text them once an hour or so, to let them know you are okay. If your date is a good guy, he won't mind.

Mom, you have done something right, for your kids to be so concerned about you. And I LOVE what your 18 year old son said to you. You have raised a real man. Good for him!!

They love you, they are worried about you. It's not about disrespect. Have fun on your dates, and any guy who gives you a hard time about your kids texting you is not worth your time.

Now -- about your son doing "whatever" and feeling like you are equals, that is a different issue, and possibly worth another question. But regarding him wanting to check up on you -- I think that's wonderful.

Have fun dating!

I think you're all in a transition time; dating is new to you AND your dating is new to your kids. They need time to adjust -- and, yes, you need (& are entitled to) a private life.

You know your kids best. Can you speak w/them & agree how much contact/texts is appropriate on both sides? For instance, they agree to leave you alone if you text them, say, when you get to a restaurant and then again when you leave? Before you leave on a date, can you tell them approximately when you'll be home and then text them if you're going to be late? If your date has a difficult time with this, then I'd have a difficult time with your date.

BTW, my two youngest are in their very late teens. It's only been the last couple of years that they felt OK with going to sleep when their dad & I are out. They NEVER would have at 11 (not that we stayed home because of that). Our compromise was that they had to go to bed anyway & turn off electronic toys but could read if they wanted to.

You've been your kids' rock all their lives, always dedicating yourself to them. Now, things are changing: a new home, a new job for you, new routines for the kids AND Mom is changing too! I guess I understand why they're going over the top.

BTW, our youngest (19) has recently started calling us out on some things that have been family rules all her life that we're not following -- and she's right! Not that your 18yo is your equal (yeah -- I laughed when my oldest was that age and tried that!), but is the point that family rules are family rules -- for everyone. Personally, if you expect your kids to be up front & keep in touch when they're out, I think you should model that behavior, too.

Take a deep breath & be the mom. Be clear on what the rules are. Be careful about a double standard. Choose your dates & times carefully. Show your kids how to date & have a life responsibly. You have a wonderful chance here to show your kids how it's done!

Good luck finding some wonderful dates who respect your role as a terrific mom whose kids love her & are concerned for her!

They are worried about you, there are worse feelings a child can have for their mom, ya know? You do understand you are all they have really. Now you are out doing something new and they worry, what if we lose mom.

Disrespectful would be them forbidding you to date, this is just worry.

Also, don't put your choices on them. Don't feel like they owe you something because you chose to not date before, that wasn't their decision and they shouldn't feel grateful that you made that choice.

Don't know, I just kind of find it odd that you see what is obvious concern as anything but concern.

Your kids are too old to change (well maybe not 11 year old) their entitled thoughts. They'll "get it" in their late twenties better. If you think any of them would be receptive to grounding or enforcement of rules, it would be nice to get them in check so they don't scare your boyfriend away once you get one! But mostly for their own good, they sound like they need to feel more independent and secure in themselves.

As a minimum, just lay down the rules verbally, "Really 18-year-old? You're an equal? You're out paying ALL of your own bills in your own house and your own car busy with your own dating life, job and family? That's nice but I'm still your mom and will always have seniority" The fact that he feels equal means you're letting him get away with way too much. Time for him to move out if he thinks he's such an adult, momma. I was out of the house at 17 and have always been a hard-working self-sufficient person who would NEVER treat my parents that way. They would NEVER put up with it or enable it.

Let them know it is RUDE to constantly call and text when you have told them not to. AND TURN OFF YOUR PHONE since they don't care what you say. You can check it for emergencies on your bathroom break. At their ages, unless EVERYONE dies in an explosion all at once, SOMEONE will be able to call 911 while you're not home. BELIEVE ME if you're making excuses to your date like, "I just can't get my kids to stop calling" a.k.a. "I have no control over my kids and I can't stop checking my messages", that will NOT shine in your favor. You are entitled to some ADULT TIME.

If your kids try the reverse with you, turning off their phones when they're out as "revenge", take their phones or privileges away until they earn them back with decent behavior. You are the mom. Good luck and have fun dating! I hope you meet someone great!

Answer their text/call once when you arrive then turn your phone off and tuck it away. Follow your own rules about calling when you arrive and when you leave. There is a saying, "Do as I say, not as I do." and it's hypocritical. You should live by example, if you want your children to follow the rules then you should to. However, you can turn your ringer down to vibrate and ignore it.

Your son is technically an adult, but his reasoning is flawed. You are in no way a child or his child. He has no grounds for this argument.

Also, if a guy doesn't believe you then he's not worth it, period. If a guy has issue with your children in any way, he's not the one either.

These kids have grown up in a society where perverts, serial killers, rapists, and kidnappers are in the news almost every day. You do not know these people you are going on dates with. The kids are aware of this. Many women simply go on a date with someone and are never heard from again. They are right to be worried about you in these times.

They truly sound like smart kids that have been taught to be super careful when they're around someone they don't know very well.

I agree they are overdoing it though. They are just worried about you it seems.

I find it truly sad in these days that the first thing that comes to mind when a child turns 18 that they are living with their parents rent free. I think kids should not have to turn 18 and have to go find a job so they can pay rent.

I assume they are in school. If they are going to college in the fall they need to be planning on going to school and getting stuff ready for that. They don't really have a good reference for a job when they are leaving in a few weeks to go to school. They might have been able to find a job at the beginning of summer but now summer jobs are scarce. If they are not going to go to school and continue their education they need to perhaps start deciding what they want to do for the next few years until they realize they won't be able to make a livable wage without a college degree.

This child is legally an adult. They should be able to come and go as they please. They should be able to live as if they are an adult. Seriously. Think about this.

You have a person who is stretching their wings for the very first time. You can be there for them when they fail, because they always do. Then they look at you and think, wow, she told me all about this and she was right.....win win win.

They need you to allow them to make mistakes while they are still living at home and you have some influence, they'll come to you when they need help. This is a time for learning, they learn what being an adult is about in the next couple of years. Living at home but having a lot of freedom is good. They see what adulthood is all about and find they are not so good at it.

Having a young adult who is learning by making mistake after mistake after mistake is a great time for you to teach them by letting them make those mistakes that are not life changing. If you know they are about to go stand on the roof of a car and do road surfing, then you know you have to stop that with every available resource you have. They usually die from that. If they are going to a friends house to hang out and are going to stay until they get ready to come home....well, that's not anything worth arguing over.

You can choose how you want them to see you at this point. You can be the mom that says I love you, have fun, please try to be home before 2 so I can know you're safe.

Or you can be the mom they see as a bossy "B" they find they are at odds with and don't want to be around anymore, much less respect enough to go to them when they realize they are in over their heads in the general thing called life.

So try to lighten up, let them be an adult with a safety net, YOU. You have the best opportunity to be their rock when they need someone that is totally on their side.

I would talk to them. Say that they are interrupting your dates and that is rude. You understand their concern, but they should only call you if there is an urgent need. If they need to talk to someone, can you offer Grandma or an Aunt who supports your desire to date? That person can run interference, calm them, etc.

Your son who is pulling the adult card is being unfair. He is not really an adult except in numbers. He wants to be an adult? Pull out the bills and start charging him a fair share. If he wants to be equal, he can 1. pony up, or 2. move out, but he still doesn't get to tell YOU how YOU run your life. Boy needs to realize his britches aren't that big.

Bottom line is you are asking them to respect you and they are not. I would give them another emergency contact (see above), turn your phone on silent and enjoy your night. The gobetween can call or text if it's truly urgent or handle it if it's not.

And if the kids can't get over that Mom has a social life (I was a teen when my mom dated and frankly I wish she'd dated more so she wouldn't have attached herself so easily to her bad exhusband) then perhaps part of the issue needs to be addressed in family therapy. I absolutely understood (at 18) that my mom kept a roof over my head, I was not her equal and I was only supposed to call (when I could, not as many people had cell phones) if someone was bleeding.

You are the mom. You are not their peer. You are not their equal. They do not get to treat you the same as you treat them and you need to make that really really clear. If you've given them too much say in your life til now that is going to be hard but you deserve some time out - regardless of whether or not it's a date or a friend (do they do this when you are out with friends, too?)

I also agree that if they try tit for tat with turning off their phones or not returning your calls, you can cancel the service altogether. I bet a single mom has better things to spend her money on than phones for spoiled kids. Oh, and not having a phone sometimes meant that my sks didn't get to be out as late or go some of the places we'd normally allow with a phone in hand. My SD used to "forget to charge" her phone and we'd basically tell her she could play that game or she could pick up her best friend's phone and call when she was running late. Not calling at all (if she was where she was supposed to be) was not acceptable. And no call + being late meant loss of the privilege to go out.

I would tell them "I am going to be gone from x to probably x time. I will have my phone, but I will ignore all texts and calls unless it is truly urgent and if you call and it is not urgent there will be x consequence for ruining my night." You might offer to text when you are on your way home, but they don't get a play by play.

If it is often the 11 yr old (who may be less settled than the older kids) consider sending that child to a friend's for a sleepover as a distraction.

I understand, from a teen child's POV, what a huge deal it is when a parent starts to date. I hope you are using a lot of discretion. And there's the other side of that, which is to say-- if you are not bringing the date over to your house to meet the kid, then they also don't know who in heck their mom is with.

Don't forget that your 11 year old is taking notes on how you are handling this.:)

Modeling responsible behavior is important, and so is family communication. I believe Diane B said everything I would have on the subject, pretty much to a tee, so I'll let you go back and read her post again.

Just be careful, HR. Have those good talks with your kids, and also have some limits on how much you are dating. What I mean to say is this: make sure your kids know that they continue to be your first priority. It was really, very difficult when our mother went from 'being around' all the time to going on dates and being gone a LOT. It got to the point where she'd be out with her boyfriend more often than she would be home with us. My sister, who almost grew up being 'mom's best friend' for a few years in her teens, didn't take it well at all when we started seeing mom only for dinner and our brother's bedtime... then she was gone again until the morning. In short, we spent a couple of years being 'her world' and then when she met Mr Right we got relegated to the backseat in her life, so to speak. Kids can feel displaced and less of a priority if their parents are dating 'a lot', so you might consider some rule for yourself in regard to how many dates a week, etc. It sounds like they have some anxiety and want to know that you will still be around often enough for them.

Oh, and as for your 18 year old, I do agree with having a heart-to-heart about adult responsibility and bills. There is somewhat of a trend of "don't expect too much from this age because they are in-between childhood and college'.... I find this worrisome. If we don't introduce employment and responsibility, if we don't expect them to contribute to their own well-being until they've graduated -- this is how we end up creating adults who move back in after college, because the parents shield them from appropriate levels of responsibility and when it's time to truly be responsible for one's life, they feel overwhelmed, break down and move back in. They NEED to be contributing in some way to the benefit of the family. At seventeen, I had graduated, was working a full time job, paid my mother rent and lived at home to save up enough money to move out. There's NO reason why your son can't be either doing a lion's share of the chores during the day or start looking for some work, even if it's odd jobs and mowing lawns. I know PLENTY of young people who get summer jobs/work internships before going back to college. This only looks good on their resume and shows that they are ambitious enough to get a job instead of 'taking the summer off'. If he wants to be an adult, he should know- adults don't get summers off!

If the 18 year old wants equality, give it to him/her. Divide up the bills; hand him a print-out showing his "equal" share. Same with housework - make sure he/she does his/her "equal" share. Same with eveything. And, if his/her half of the electric bill does not get paid, take the light bulbs out of his/her room; remove electronics, etc. Show him/her what it's really like to be "equal".

As for the texts, I would do one of two things - either start texting them all the time when they leave the house; OR take their ability to text with you when you leave the house. As long as there is a house phone, they don't need their cells!

It would seem they are having trouble adjusting to mom having a life of her own. I think it is reasonable, especially considering you are in a new area, to tell them ahead of time that you expect to be home no later than or around a certain time (and just update them if you will be later). When you arrive at your destination excuse yourself to the restroom and send a quick text ("We've arrived safely"). I see this as common courtesy. But let them know that additional calls or texts that are not an emergency (life or death or trip to ER necessary) will need to wait until you are home.

As for your 18 year old, let him know that since he is an adult you expect him to act like it...he's your adult son and should be able to handle things at home without calling for mommy. You expect him to show respect to you as his mother and as a fellow adult.

I agree with Marie C about taking back the power in your home. I haven't read the other responses.

Definitely silence your phone while out and let them know that you will be doing that.
Your 18 yr old might be legally an adult but he is not your parent, he doesn't own you and he's not a mature adult (he might get there by his mid 20's) and he's living under your roof (irrelevant whether he pays rent or not - paying rent still does not make him your parent) so he needs to follow your rules or move out and run his life as he sees fit.
(What IS his exit plan anyway? He should be working on it.)
You're kids DO have insecurity issues.
Some adult companionship is fine but really you still have 7 years till your youngest is grown - you're not done raising them yet.
Take some classes and have some hobbies that have you out and about.
(I took a class to learn how to make stained glass lamps years ago and it was a lot of fun).
Let the kids get use to you being out but not necessarily just for dating.
Finding a guy isn't and shouldn't be a big priority.

Texting every hour is excessive and manipulative.Tell them not to text or call unless it's an emergency. The house catching fire is an emergency. Someone puking blood is an emergency. Running out of potato chips is not.
As for the 18-year-old, he may be legally an adult, but he is NOT your parent and you are NOT a minor. And as long as he lives under YOUR roof, he needs to abide by YOUR rules.

Turn off your phone! Honestly...tell them to quit it, you will be home when you are home.