Tell MY DH or Not??

Tell him "Look, she's a 13yr old girl having a female problem and doesn't want to share that with her dads. She asked for my discretion and I am respecting her wishes. She is going to be fine and it is nothing you need to worry about."

He needs to get over it.

I never keep secrets from my husb and nor him e from me, this way all things get worked out and supported as a team/family

Updated

I never keep secrets from my husb and nor him e from me, this way all things get worked out and supported as a team/family

i SOMETIMES tell my dh about things my daughter asks me not to tell (not something that personal), but that is between you and her and very personal...if my dh (he wouldn't) pryed about something like that, i'd tell, him next time i just wont tell you ne thing, even that i took her in that way you can't pry on something you don't know about

i'd flat out tell him drop it and don't ask again...it's PERSONAL

If you break her trust now, it could be very damaging. I wouldn't do it. Why would your DH want to know about a gynecological visit? Ick. Throw around words like menstruation and vaginal itch and he'll regret pushing for more information.

Weird. My experience has been that if you want to shut up or REPEL any male, all you have to do is mention the word "menses" or "period" or cramps"! LOL
I think he just wants to know that she is "OK" and you can convey that in vague terms, which you did.
It's awesome that you're keeping your daughter's personal information personal.

You told him enough. It is not his business any further than that. She is his step daughter and this is a private matter between you and her. She has expressed she wants her privacy and she has every right to that. RESPECT is key especially at this age and you told her you would not disclose her information to your husband (not her father). No matter how close they are or not, it really isn't his business beyond the fact that she is ok. It sounds to me like he is more interested than necessary and is playing a control card. He needs to grow up and be a bit more understanding! Ask him if he wants you to disclose the next time he goes to get a physical about the doctor 'PROBING' him... it's not something to be discussed.

Wow. I think that, while he seems really concerned, he is overstepping his boundaries. Maybe he's just being nosy? I think that you did right by your daughter and keeping your word and you should tell him so. Tell him that if your daughter wanted him to know about her 'woman' problems then she would tell him. Otherwise, he needs to respect her privacy and the trust that she has in you.

You have to decide what's more important to you - appeasing your husband or keeping your daughter's trust. I know which I would pick.

I think that you can be honest with your husband that it's not a big deal, that you wouldn't keep something that's a big deal away from him, and that you don't want to break your daughter's trust. If he can't get over it after that, in my opinion, it's his problem.

Good luck.

Tell him you understand his frustration and that he feels left out. However, this is part of your DD's life that he is not a part of and is very private to her. Let him know that you understand he feels this is keeping secrets, but it really isn't the case - this is the beginning of your DD's journey into womanhood and she has asked to keep the details limited to 'girls only'. If he is still disrespectful of her wishes, all you can do is deal with his frustration and move on.

If you betray your daughter and she finds out, she may not confide in future issues.

You've told the men all they need to know. Unless there's major issues that require surgery with time off after, the men need to know nothing more.

I'm not sure why he's being so tense. As long as you've told him the same thing that you told her dad, that should be fine. If he keeps egging you on, i guess the only thing you could say to him, without betraying her trust is that 'she was feeling worried about a few things and wanted the doctor to say if it was ok'.

M.

I've read all the answers here. A few of the Moms here gave a very wise response. If you betray your daughter's trust now then she may not come to you about stuff in the future. If you ask me I don't think this has to do with your DH wanting to know about a female problem. My DH never wants specifics. To me it sounds like a control issue because he became angry and said "I have a right to know." Was he compassionate at all? I think some of the ladies here didn't catch that part and is why they don't understand. IMHO.

I think I would tell him something along the lines of you took her to the dr to check/discuss the female cycle, and that everything is normal. Perhaps as far as the medication, just say that sometimes we need help to regulate things.

Then ask him if he needs more specifics about how the female cycle works! LOL I don't know any men who would ask for details! haha

I think it's sad that your husband is less understanding than your daughter's actual father. I also think it's sad that someone here actually tried to manipulate you into thinking that if you didn't succumb to your husband's almighty right to know, that you would end up looking for husband #3.

13 is a rough age. You are very lucky that your daughter is turning to you. I wouldn't ruin that trust for all the world. Your husband is an adult and needs to act like it. Your daughter's dad is being way more mature about it, and HE is the one who actually has the right to know.......not your husband.

I married into a family where everyone feels left out if they don't know every intimate detail about everyone and they all get super offended if they aren't "in the know". I have little patience for people who just want to know something for the sake of knowing.

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place. But, you gave your word to your daughter and that is important. I hope your husband can have some understanding.

This is a tough one, but if your daughter asked for confidentiality, then that is what you should do. Your husband should respect the situation enough to understand. You can simply respond that your daughter prefers to keep the issue private, and that is what you plan to do.

If I promised my 13yr old daughter not to tell someone about her private issues, I would do my absolute best to keep that promise. That age is tricky and if you told your husband and DD ever found out, she would never trust you again. That is NOT the way to start her teenage years. Her need to be able to trust you trumps your husband's need to know the details. Plus, if her OWN dad is ok with accepting your word that everything is ok, her STEPDAD should certainly not be pushing for more. Keep your promise to your daughter on this one and explain to your husband that there will probably be many more times where DD will want to confide in only you and that you WILL keep her confidences on delicate issues. He will just have to trust that you are handling it.

I pretty much agree w/most of the people who have already posted. You've told both Dads enough.... why does your husband want DETAILS. sounds like he does have some control issues - esp for him to get soooo upset. i would not break my daughters trust. what if she did find out (which would be a possibilty) she would never confide in you again.

tell him there is some things dads dont need to know she is just becoming a young lady. or give him a pad it gets the point across and you didnt tell. cause you didnt say. :)

Would you be ok if you were in the dark about your child's health? I know I wouldn't be.

I completely agree with your husband (I assume this is husband #2?). He is your life partner and you should NOT keep anything from him!! I don't even understand what the "problem" is with your daughter? If I understood your post correctly, she is 13 and doesn't have her period yet, but has some symptoms. So what? Why is that a secret? I don't get it. And whatever this problem is of hers that requires medication, so what? Why can't you tell your husband? Your husband seems like a wonderful man who is genuinely interested in your daughter's life! What a great step-dad! He probably loves your daughter like she is his own and feels left out that you and your daughter are "hiding" something from him (again, in my opinion, there isn't even anything to hide). How would you feel if your husband kept something from you? Life partners should have NO SECRETS! You should definately tell him! He is right when he said it's not like he would tell your daughter! Your daughter will never know that he knows, and when your daughter is all grown up one day, I'm sure she will want to share everything with her husband as well. This is ridiculous. Tell your husband - otherwise, you may find yourself looking for husband #3.

Hmm. Don't know why it's even an issue. Sure seems to me you could tell your husband what's going on. Why she is asking for it to be secret seems kind of odd. I would tell him, but tell him not to talk to her about it since it's just a female issue and she wouldnt be comfortable talking about it with a male. If he can keep his mouth shut on the subject I dont see why it should have to be a secret, seriously.

Gee, I can't imagine why you husband is freaking out. You only took your 13 year old daughter to a gynecologist and won't tell him why. I'm being sarcastic here, of course he's worried! I would be FLIPPING out if my husband took one of our kids to the doctor and wouldn't tell me what it was about. His mind is probably running a million miles a minute. For all he knows, she could have been molested. You need to tell him. Of course she's embarrassed. She's a 13 year old girl and a hormonal mess. It's not like dad is going to go shouting it from the rooftops that she went to the GYN and might start her period soon. I would tell him. He sounds like a really good father and is concerned for his daughter. It's not like you have to go into all the details. Just tell him that she's maturing and had some questions about what exactly is going to happen to her. Don't shut dad out. He's just being nosy because he cares.

I could understand his point if he has reason to think there is a medical problem. And by the way you describe what you've been saying to him, I can see that he might have that impression, since you keep referring to her situation as a female *problem.* I would try to keep your word as much as possible to your daughter, while being as clear to your husband as possible that she is not experiencing any medical problems.

Maybe say something like this, "Hubby, daughter is coming of an age where she is starting to develop and often times girls prefer to keep those issues between themeslves and a female caregiver. Often, even knowing that the males in their lives know about these issues embarrasses them, regardless of whether that makes sense to us as adults or not. So to respect her in that regard, I will not share those *minor* things that she asks me to keep between us. But please know that if she were in any danger whatsoever, or if she had any medical conditions that warranted any concern whatsoever, then those things trump any promise to her about privacy. SO, you can rest assured that she fine, and is a healthy, *developing* young woman" (with emphasis on the *developing* - hoping he'll get the point.) And try to leave it at that.

***ETA***

I totally agree with Dori W. too. In my experience, I don't really see her as a late bloomer? I was 12, almost 13, and I think that's pretty normal? I also agree with Dori in that I was also terrified that someone would know I had my period, that they'd find pads in my purse or something... so I agree that it would be great if the whole issue could be de-stigmatized a bit, to where she could be more open about the issue, and perhaps even make light of it, as Dori suggested. Wish I could have done that. I can now, lol, but it's taken a lot of years to get to this point!

I understand where your hubby is coming from. As parents, my hubby and I share everything. We don't always tell our children that we share these things, but I have found that by telling my spouse it allows them to be more understanding. I would tell him what is going on but also explain to him that because it is a private matter not to disclose in any way that he knows. The fact that it has nothing to do with sex won't make your DH worry any less.

oh boy...... it used to make me SO angry as a teenager when my mom would tell my dad stuff about my body that I had asked her NOT to. When I got my period or had a yeast infection or something.... I was always so embarrassed (aren't all teens?) and really did not want my dad to know about my personal stuff. But she would tell him. And, undoubtedly my father would make a comment to me (to comfort me) that would let me know that she had told him.... And then she would tell me that she and my dad share everything so she had to tell him.
But it would always upset me BIG TIME.

Of course she had a right to tell my dad everything she wanted to. I also had a right to start keeping things from her because it made me uncomfortable for him to know about them...

To this day I withhold personal information from my mom because I know that she will share things with my dad that I don't want her to. She always remarks how closed off I am to her, but in reality it's just because I'm private and I don't feel like I can trust her with everything. I'm almost 30 years old, btw.

What you do now will set the tone of your relationship with your daughter for the rest of her life. Respect her wishes. Being a teenage girl and having your body change is really hard.

I'm assuming that because he is your husband, he is in all rights a "dad" to her. If this is the case, and he wants to know, I think he should know. Yes, you promised her you wouldn't tell him...and as far as she knows, you won't. There are lots of things that you and him know that the kids don't know both of you know about, I"m sure. I would tell him, but at the same time, make sure he knows that he is in no way to ever indicate any knowledge of any of it to her, or anyone for that matter. It is very important that she feel like she is able to trust you, but it is also important that he be informed and involved in every aspect of the child(ren)s life.

I have to agree with Shaun C - you DH is probably concerned that something awful has happened. (And being a stepfather he also doesn't want any suspicions to be directed his way. In that vein of thought it's also a good idea to make sure your daughter hasn't felt insecure / uncomfortable by anything said or done by her stapefather (either emotionally, physically or sexually). Sounds crazy - but keep in mind that they do not have the normal father-daughter bond that is present with a bio-dad who is raising his daughter. While I'm sure there's nothing to talk about, the most common person involved in inapproriate situations with teenage girls is the stepfather. So just make sure that nothing is awry and clear that out of your DH's mind.

Also - 13 is not a late bloomer. 12 -13 is average age for first menses - isn't it? My daughter was 12 1/2, I was 13. My daughter has two friends, who at 15 were just getting it for the first time. I also think that he might have been a little freaked out becuase you took her to a OB/GYn instead of her pediatrician. My DD is 14 and has been menstruating for 2 years and we still see her pediatrician - who is of course, a female. The day will come when she'll see an OB/GYN.

As another person said, teenage girls are hypersensitive about their bodies -they are hormonal trainwrecks! But that doesn't mean you can't share things on a very confidential basis with her dad and stepdad. My DD will frequently ask me not to tell her dad stuff - and I may hold it for a day or two - but eventually I will tell her that I am going to tell her dad - but I'll also tell her what I'm going to say so she can help "edit" my statement. She understand that he wants / needs to know stuff - sine he does lover her dearly.

Final thing - encourage your ex to "date" his daughter. Sounds really out of whack - but she'll be far more likely to have healthy male relationships in the future if she feels really secure with her dad. My DH and DD have breakfast dates every other week, and occasionally go out to dinner together. My son and I will go bowling together or something. If only my son liked shopping! ;o)

Ok, here's his side. He knows there a problem that was serious enough to see a doctor, and he doesn't know much else. Could be trivial, could be cancer, could be pregnancy. Some guys have imaginations that just leap to the worst conclusion.
If something serious was going on with my kid - I'd want to know. Is he paying the medical bills? He might be able to contact the Dr's office and get the details (I'm not sure how HIPPA works with medical information privacy verses parents needing to know).
Now, if you know for a fact it's trivial, then let him know that much. If he really wants you to explain cramps, monthly flow, tampons, sanitary pads, I'm sure you can hand him a lot of the same info that explains these things to young girls. There are also urinary tract infections, yeast infections, etc that are painful and annoying, but not life threatening but they need treatment.
When it comes to open communication, and being sensitive about others feelings, father/step-father needs some understanding, but step-daughter should understand he cares about her, too (and biology might seem pretty embarrassing sometimes, but medical conditions sometimes have to be discussed). If step daughter is embarrassed, perhaps she can explain it as a problem a friend of hers is having. That might give her a detached way of discussing it without it feeling too personal.
It's the lack of communication here that's going to cause more problems than anything else over the years.

I'm not sure that this has anything to do with the "diagnosis" so much as you not keeping him "in the loop" as a co-parent. Your daughter is understandably embarassed by the topic of conversation, but each of her fathers have different needs for reassurance.

He may be legititimately worried that something is wrong with her and that you are not sharing it with him. Did you tell him why you made the appointment? You say he knows that it has nothing to do w/ sex, but did you explicitly tell him that part?

If you hahve an expectation that he will help you raise your daughter, then you should not be keeping medical secrets from him (no matter how minor). Truthfully, I would have a short, but direct conversation with him. Let him know that you were concerned about your daughter's age and her lack of menstruation onset so you took her to the doctor to make sure nothing was wrong. Everything was fine, but you want to respect her privacy in the future and will share information with him if something is "wrong" or "out-of-the-ordinary".

I don't think it's every a good idea to promise a child to hide something from the other parent- it sends a bad message. If your husband is involved in your daughter's like as a parental figure then he has the right to know about what is going on with her medically. As the parents in the house you are a united front and I would say he is pretty hurt that you shut him out.

Maybe he wants to be in the know because he cares about her and she lives under his roof and he's raising another man's daughter and feels he has a right to know? Does he tease her a lot about things? Maybe that's why she didnt want him to know anything, just afraid he might make some sort of bad gyno jokes about it?
He seems sensitive and feels like an outsider it seems.
Seems to me you could have just said she had an itchy discharge because of hormonal changes and needed some ointment for it.... the word "discharge" usually makes me want to yell "STOP".. lol
You and your daughter are putting up a wall, that's the way he sees it.
I would tell him if you know he wont divulge the info to her, if he's trustable I don't see the harm in explaining.
Kids try to pit parents against each other quite often, if she was 18 and asked you not to share that would be different, she's a child in his home and if it was any other disorder it would have been shared.
Her bio dad was great with it but he doesnt live under the same roof like step dad does. He just seems concerned and now feels like someone is hiding something from him. He probably feels very responsible for her and wants to make sure it's not std's or pregnancy or anything like that because it would make him look bad in front of her real dad.

I am surprised that so many mothers would advocate for you telling your husband about this. This is not about your relationship with your husband -- this is about the one you have with your child. There is a distinct difference here, and both relationships need to be respected and honored. After all, you are not keeping a secret about yourself. This is your daughter's business. Why does your husband want to know about this issue? The fact that he is a dad is not a good enough reason. I mean, if your husband was having a prostate issue, or testicular pain, or some other "masculine issue," would you tell your daughter even if she insisted on knowing? Of course not. Why is it any different when it comes to her? Because she is a child?

IMO, I think you should absolutely maintain your promise to your daughter and not say anything. Only if this was a situation that can place her at high risk for hurting herself or someone else, or another type of high risk behavior (ie she is doing drugs or she is sexually active) -- those would be the only situations in which I would have to tell her I cannot maintain my promise to keep the subject a secret from her stepdad.

But, this is normal 13 year old who, or couse, is mortified by the idea that her dad may soon learn about how her body is changing. She wants to keep that private. Be respectful to her and let keep it private! Remember how it was like for us when we were that age? I remember the first day I actually had my period -- I had no idea what it was, and so after my mother educated me and all, the next day I found her on the phone telling my aunts and my dad about my first period, and this was after I asked that she not tell anyone. I was so humiliated. I just wish my mother had at least given ME a chance to get used to the fact that my body was changing in this weird way, before the whole fam knew.

Keep your promise to your daughter. Do it now, so that when she comes to you about a much heavier issue, she can trust that you will maintain your word.

I really think you should tell him. He is her father and has a right to know. Most guys will be mature about whatever the "female problem" is. I think that you hurt his feelings and should apologize. Tell him in private what is going on. What will happen if your not available and something happens with her and she needs to go back to the dr. He shouldn't be left in the dark.....I am sure he feels left out and helpless because you are being so secretive about it. There should be no secrets in a marriage.

M

I am personally suprised he is so nosey! LOL! Most men run at the sound of "female problems". I think the only people who really need to know are you and her father. At this point in her life she is very self conscious about her body and how its changing. I dont think I would have wanted my step dad to know. If it was something serious, then maybe. But I do believe that he has to respect your relationship with your daughter and not put you in a bad situation. Right now, the one thing you dont want to lose is your daughter's trust. Your husband must understand that, or it will only cause further strain in your relationship.
I hope all this helps!

You said she has a current problem. I think if he knows there is a problem and he is genuinely worried about her. If you were only going to see if there's a reason she's not starting her period yet, he probably wouldn't care as much. I personally would tell my husband if there was an issue w/ our daughter that required medication. He would never let her know that he has any clue but I think as her dad, he has the right to know (yes, I understand he's her step dad but obviously he cares about her or he wouldn't care to know)

He's more hurt that you won't tell him than anything else. And you know what? If/when you do tell him, he'll say 'oh, is that all?' and feel really sheepish that he pushed it. I'm like that, I'll push and push to see what so and so had to say on the phone, and then my BF will be like 'omg, he was saying he's got gas!' (or whatever)... If I was in your shoes, I would tell your daughter that dad (and stepdad) need to know the premise of the drs visit. What if something happened to YOU, and then she had some oddball secondary something or other happen to her that was related to the initial visit? She wouldn't get the proper care she needed, because dad is in the dark and clueless. Until she's 18, I feel like it's VERY important for BOTH parents to know what's going on with their children, medically. I understand it's embarrassing for her to know that dad knows, but... he's going to figure it out sooner or later ;) It's not worth the hassle. So you're not going against her wishes, I would tell her that you're simply going to 'clue dad in', tell her why it's important, and leave it at that. You're the parent... do what your gut tells you. She will forgive and forget this :)

I personally don't see why he is so nosey, or why it needs to be a secret. I mean what girl of that age doesn't have that issue. Also how come he can't figure it out on his own. Its your daughter, his step daughter if her own father isn't giving you grief then why is he, I understand he is your husband but still, sometimes a teenage girl doesn't need everyone knowing her business.
Its a decision only you can make, I know in our family there are no secrets but its not like dad is going to make a big deal out of it and embarass her. Good luck

For the child's father he has a right to know. My kids know we don't keep secrets. It is a health issue. Assure your daughter that you co parent with her Dad and it is fine.

I think once he knows it isn't anything sexual, than should be fine. I mean, I don't think I would care at all if my sons wanted to talk to their dad about something related to their plumbing or even to their sexuality and didn't want me to know. I am Mom, but I am also a woman, I wouldn't find it weird at all. As long as I know my boys are Ok, that is fine by me. I think her dad's reaction makes sense, don't really get your husband's reaction honestly. Maybe he feels left out bc he is not really her dad and is wanting to feel connected to her? I think a young girl should not have to tell even her natural dad everything about her cycle etc.. I can't really think of a dad I know that wants to know! So I think it is fine that you didn't tell him, but if this is that big of a deal to him then I think it would be good to find out why.

He needs to follow her Dad's lead. She has a right to some privacy. I believe in honesty in a marriage, but this doesn't have anything to do with you or him... Don't betray her trust. If he continues to push it, it might be time for some marriage counseling.

I think the problem may be that you keep referring to it as a female "problem" and taking her to the doc for it seems to be a big deal. I would be upset too if I were your husband. Just because your daughter asks you not to tell "anyone" doesn't mean it ok to keep it from your husband. You can tell him and say you are telling him in confidence and your daughter asked not to tell and you are trusting him with this. If he then says something, you can tell him then that if something comes up in the future, you won't be able to trust him with it. I think your husband will start to think there may be other things that you are keeping from him. It's really just not a good idea. Good luck.

If I was in your shoes I would absolutely honor the promise I made to my daughter. 13 is such a pivotal year for a teenage girl, and the way you handle this situation could set the tone for your whole relationship during her teen years. You don't want to break her trust.

And I personally do NOT think he has a right to know. It it a medical issue about *her* body, and she is certainly old enough to expect some privacy and decide who is privy to her personal information. I think your DH is acting a little childish about this situation and should let it go. How would he feel if you discussed HIS medical issues with your DD??? I bet it would outrage him.

Anyways, that's my 2 cents.