Terminally Ill Daughter Being Cruel to Mother

I have a friend who had a best friend that developed terminal cancer. My friend would go visit her friend as much as possible in the hospice. One day she told me how hurt she was because her best friend, whom she had loved like a sister, had grown bitter and angry towards her. She was extremely hurt until she realized that it was the cancer infecting her brain and spreading illness there. She choose to keep visiting her friend until the very last moment and not to let her friend's cancer destroy her own recollection of their friendship. It was hard on her but whenever her friend acted in a mean ugly way, she just told herself "that's the cancer talking."

Is it possible since she doesn't seem to act this way w/ anyone else who interacts w/ her (that you've said), and she previously was very close with your mother, that your sister is simply trying to push her away to spare her the hurt and pain of losing her daughter? If it's clinical that's one thing, though it seems like she'd be reacting to others in a similar manner (which you didn't say she did)...I don't know, I could be wrong about that. As her mother isn't she (your mom) most affected by this of all? How does your mother behave when she's around your sister...is she (your mom) constantly in tears or is she fairly calm? If she's always in tears then maybe your sister simply doesn't want to see that...and reacts accordingly.
What a profoundly painful and sad experience this is for everyone of you though and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. Is it possible for you or her husband to talk to your sister about this...how much her pushing your mom away is actually hurting your mom? If it's not clinical then does your sister really want to leave things like that w/ your mom?

I have worked with people that have terminal diseases. One of my patients mentioned to me one time. "Sometimes I know that I am hurting my daughter and I would have done that in a MILLION yrs. If I didn't have this thing KILLING me. BUT I don't want her to see me this way and IT hurts me more having her sit by my bedside watching me die. I want her to remember what we had & shared."

Surely I not saying this is what your sis is trying to do but it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Love and prayers goes to u and ur family.

I suggest talking with her doctor. Her tumor may be in a part of the brain that is causing this.

My mom actually had a non-malignant brain tumor that really affected how she perceived what was going on around her and how she reacted in certain situations and with certain individuals. She was nice to me but awful with my older brother. I do know that I am easier to get along with than brother happens to be, but he didn't deserve all of the grief that she threw his way. But I really do believe that the pressure that was going on in her brain at that time (both before she was treating and as a result of the actual treatment itself) just caused her to behave in a way that was illogical to everyone but her.

I know it's tough for your mom to bear this kind of treatment from your sister -- it was tough on my brother -- but please reassure her every chance you get that it's not about her, it's about how the illness is affecting your sister's brain. And there's also the very real possibility that your sister is pushing your mom away because of her own fear of dying and not being able to handle your mom being so close when she is feeling so vulnerable and scared.

I'm sorry that your family is going through this right now. Please give your mom and your sister a big hug for me. Take care.

Both cancer and cancer treatments can affect the brain (I would think brain cancer even more than other sorts), which can change a person's personality. I am not talking about the stress (which can also have an affect on a person's personality), but actual brain chemical changes that lead to personality changes. It can prevent someone from having a filter from their brain to their mouth, it can cause unexplained aggression, raunchiness and sexual inappropriateness in those who have always been elegant and prudish before, forgetfulness, etc. It would not surprise me to learn that your sister is experiencing some of these symptoms in her disease, and combined with the stress of knowing that she is dying and the pain of cancer, it is too much for her to control. I recommend that your mother contact your sister's doctor to ask about personality changes, and do some research online and get some recommendations for cancer-survivor support groups, and also for a therapist who has specialized in those with cancer and their families. If your sister's cruelty toward your mother is caused by chemical changes in her brain, she cannot help it, and it does not even truly represent the way she feels. Instead, your mother is going to have to learn how to cope and support her through this difficult time. I'm very sorry that your family has to go through this, and I wish you the best of luck.

Because your mom is the one who is "supposed" to go first. This isn't the "right" order of things. And, however irrational this seems (feelings can be irrational) mom didn't protect her from this. I'm not saying these are the absolute reasons, but possibilities. There is a reason mom is getting the brunt of her anger. She is the safest target because of mom's unconditional love. Your mom may want to ask her directly. Has anyone asker her? Yes, she's dying, but appropriate boundaries should still be maintained, assuming this isn't a part of degeneration and I'm assuming it is not as the aggression is specific. I'll bet she doesn't like that she's being cruel, any more than your mom likes it. Ask her. She's still here so please encourage direct communication.

Jen

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I would guess that your sister's brain and personality have been altered by the cancer and its treatments, which is contributing to her cruelty towards your mother.

Also, she might feel guilt and fear at how your mom will react to losing a second daughter. Losing one child is incredibly painful; to lose a second must be unbearable. Maybe your sister doesn't want the mom she loves so much to see her so sick and in so much pain.

I think your mom would really benefit from a support group and talking to other moms who have lost children to brain cancer.

Best wishes for your family.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. Please tell your mother not to take it to heart. The cancer has affected her personality. It truly is not your sister being cruel to your mother, it is the disease. It happens with Alzheimers patients too. It is utterly heartbreaking to watch. Is there a support group in your area that you and your mother can go to?
Again. I am so sorry for your struggle. Give your mom lots of hugs and love. She is going to need them!

brain cancer makes them make irrational decisions. I knew a guy who died of it and he became very cruel during it. I would say a coping mechanism except for the guy I knew who had it was very cruel to everyone especially his wife when he had it. I don't think she realizes she is doing it.

I am very sorry that your family is experiencing this. I wish you love, strenght, and peace while enjoying your time with your sister and the inevitible that comes.

When we are ill, we all tend to regress a bit. With the prospect of terminal illness, there is a myriad of emotions at play for everyone and it is rarely easy. Whether young children, or grown adults...we ultimately know that our parents will always love us. We tend to believe that we don't have to work for the relationship, because our parents will love us no matter what. The relationship is safe. So we treat them as we would no other. We also tend to put our parents on pedistals, and forget that parents are people too.

All I can say is let your mother know this...that in a backwards sort of way, it shows how much your sister knows she is loved...but is feeling insecure about it. All you can do is continue to show love and support. I do reccomend talking with hospice, even if she is not yet on hospice care. They have resources they can point you to.

I wish you all the best.

my heart goes out to your family, just repeating what everyone said; please don't take it personally, what your sister is going through is devastating. Your mom and you are great for trying to comfort her and help her she needs that. also her brain chemistry must have changed with the treatment or the illness itself. I'm truly sorry you all are going through this, I'm sending prayers your way,

Hello,

I don't know if you will find this helpful, but wanted to write and give you my perspective. A year ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer at age 42. Perhaps your sister is experiencing some of the same things I was. She is faced at an extremely young age with her own untimely death, no control over her own schedule, emotions (at times), and she is now the topic of family conversations(whether she is present or not), and what is in her best interests. Add into this situation, a possibly over-involved, or overly emotional (understandably, having already lost another daughter) parent, and the potential brain functioning issues, and it is overwhelming, to say the least. I would recommend that your sister see a counselor or psychologist at her treatment center, that is just for her, therefore, she may be able to unload some of her anger toward your Mom. Sometimes our families expect us to be "who we always were." This is not always realistic. When you are facing this kind of turmoil, sometimes the worst comes out. This is not always the worst thing, as there may be a need to get some of it out.

In turn, your mother should also seek counseling, so she can maintain a healthy relationship with your sister, for as long as she is here. She should definitely not allow herself to be your sister's 'whipping boy,' giving herself time away to recharge her batteries. Another way to minimize anger and confrontation is for her to ask your sister what she wants, or her opinion, rather than treating her like a child. The loss of independence is one of the most frustrating things about a terminal illness. Hope this helps, I will be in prayer for your family. God is the God of miracles~

oh gosh, please tell your Mom don't take it personally... but perhaps, a support group would help her, or your sister.

And, often times, people lash out at those who are closest to them... because they feel safe with them and know that they are loved, unconditionally... so they 'vent' or take things out on that person.
Your sister, needs a safe place to fall... and that is your Mom.
And your sister dealing with the fragility of life... must create a lot of hard emotions in her.
Take heart... your Mom, is a close 'anchor' for your sister... and often times, when our own Mom cannot 'fix and make us better' like she usually does... sometimes we just revert to raw emotions and hurt. But not 'at' the person... just coping.

all the best,
Susan

There is not enough information here to know, but I would wonder what part of her brain the tumor is pressing against. It could be simply that the section of her brain that is affected is changing her personality. There is a great book and a good read by a doctor named Jill Bolte Taylor called My Sroke of Insight which details her experience, as a neuroscientist and board memeber of the Nat'l Assoc. Of Mental Illness, having a stroke and her eight year recovery. I promise it is very readable and incredibly informative about brain trauma. She wrote it for people who take care of stroke victims, but it will certainly be insightful to anyone dealing with brain trauma and caring for someone with brain trauma.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this.

It would be my guess, and I do not have any experience with this whatsoever, but my guess is that your sister's realization that her death is imminent is what is causing her to be hateful or mean towards yours and her mother. When we are battling with something which we do not understand, we tend to lash out and those immediately closest to us are usually the ones to receive the brunt of it. Your mom is understandably heartbroken (1) that her daughter is going to die, and (2) she can do nothing about it. Having her daughter (your sister) treat her so cruelly is adding to the brokenness she is feeling. My guess is that your sister does not have a relationship with God. Perhaps she does, do you know for sure? Does anyone in your family, including you, have a relationship with the Lord? Your sister is filled with fear, understandably. You said she is married. Will she be leaving any children behind? Death is not easy to deal with. Having ones faith in God lessens that fear and instead fills our spirit with a peace that cannot come on our own. We need to have that reassurance that everything is going to be okay and only God can give us that assurance. It sounds like your sister is not at peace with this, and I understand this very much. I am so sorry that you and your family are facing this but you are needing God right now more than ever, even if you think you do not. Please consider talking to a pastor, or asking a family member to pray over this situation. There is so much power in prayer, you have no idea! People have been healed because of prayer but if it's God's Will for your sister to die, the peace and understanding that can be poured out over you and your sister and every family member involved is so profound that no words can describe it.

I know this must be a terrible ordeal for your whole family especially your mom, but unfortunately it is not rare. My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2004. Prior to that I thought my marriage would last forever. Since the diagnosis, he has turned cruel, violent and I have since had to file for divorce. Has your sister gone thru chemotherapy? There is a thing called chemo-brain, which I used to laugh at, but I know take it very seriously. Chemo can change people's personalities. I know wonder why everyone wanted to prepare me for him not being here, but no one prepared me for the stranger he might become, which in reality is so much scarier. Also remember, Cancer is always harder on the caregivers. Even my husband will vouch for that. Have faith. Rely on God and pray daily. He will see you thru. My prayers are with you. And your whole family.

It is just your sisters way of dealing with things. My Grandmother had cancer and passed away from it. I have seven brothers, several cousins, etc..Out of all of us me and one of my brothers were the only ones that she wanted around towards the end. She talked to me about things that she would talk to no one else about. She wouldn't let anyone bathe her other than me. So tell your mom not to take it personal and respect your sisters wishes. She more than likely doesn't want you mom feeling bad about her cancer. Your sister should have things the way she wants. After all she is the one that is sick.

I'm so sorry for this difficult time in your life. I can only imagine what your family must be going through.
I only have one suggestion and that is to contact Michio Kushi at the Kushi Institute in MA. I have seen some work that he's done and curing a man with 'terminal' brain cancer. I saw MRI's, dr's reports, met the man, etc. I really think it's worth a shot, just to give it a try.

Good luck