A., I'm a childcare provider. I'm especially successful with toddlers. The key is to really tune in and be able to interpret what it is they're trying to say. Getting this in-tune takes lots of bonding time. Ignoring you is usually their way to say "I don't want to," or "I'll do it myself," or "I wonder if I can predict what comes next (accurate prediction builds trust)..." By "terrible twos," I'm assuming you mean tantrums and such. It is not "typical," as many will tell you, for a toddler to act aggressively or to constantly tantrum. A toddler's tantrum is a cry for your help. They have overwhelming emotions and can only express through instinct. Knowing this, the best response is to stay close, make sure they're safe, calmly say that you understand what they're going through and let them know you can hold them when . . .(they stop kicking, they're ready, etc.). Don't ignore, stifle, shame, admonish or punish ANY expression of a child's. They need empathy, first and foremost. They need to know we're there in support and have waiting arms for them. This doesn't mean we should never feel frustrated or irritated; we just can't outwardly express that to them. Our own reactions and feelings have nothing to do with them, and we should not make them responsible for our own limitations. Usually, we feel powerlessness and it's expressed as anger. Your toddlers tantrums are among your first opportunities to build your child's confidence in your unconditional love, which is the most important piece of his/her self-esteem and success. Unconditional love doesn't stay or abandon, based on behavior. Unconditional love says,"I'm sorry to see you this way. I understand it's hard when (you can't take the toy, when you can't have...). You're going to be o.k., and I'm here to hold you if you want me to." Make sense?
~Disclaimer: Strong opinion following, and I only mean the VERY BEST, and I have examples and experience behind what I believe. I have an issue with methods, not people. I think nearly every parent wants the very best for their child.~
On "Time out": I believe that "time out" was developed as a tool for parents to help themselves, not the children. I think it was considered better than physical punishment, and so it became a popular method. It's the same advice given in Anger Management. *Quite frankly: The professionals found a compromise to get parents to stop beating their kids.* But it's still very often done in anger, which delivers the same message to a child. The "1-2-3-Timeout"-type methods seem to be written by mathematicians, not childcare professionals. They simply don't work the way we wish they did. And they make parents feel inadequate and confused. We can punish anyone into submission and compliance, but it kind of defeats the whole purpose of parenting, to me. Bless Supernanny's heart; I think she's a fabulous personality, who is edited for T.V. I think the conventional use of "time out" teaches nothing and can be as harmful as physical punishment. I believe it also escalates unwanted behavior and teaches children to be passive-aggressive. It says "don't!" and leaves out the "how to" for the child. I think cookie-cutter methods work for puppies, not humans. I believe in building a child's inner happiness and self esteem - and not treating symptoms of their unhappiness instead.
I'll post a couple links that elaborate on my advice, and give more of the "what to DO." Lastly, "Smart Love" is, IMO, the best parenting book ever written. I'll post a summary of it, too.
Smart Love:
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/smart_love....
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: http://www.randomhouse.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780...
WONDERFUL parenting articles: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles.html
The best to you,
J.
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com