Thanksgiving and Pandora's Box

Updated on November 21, 2010
K.S. asks from Helena, AL
6 answers

It’s a couple of days prior to Thanksgiving and I find myself pondering random thoughts pertaining to the “holiday season”. When I was a kid it seemed that time slowed tremendously between the end of October and Christmas day. What happened? I’m 42 now and on Halloween night for the past couple of years I could almost swear that I’ve heard the sound of cannon fire in the distance. Initially dismissing this sound as being part of the Pirate theme associated with a commercialized haunted house, it didn’t mean much to me at the time. I’m now coming to realize that this was actually the “shot” that starts the “Holiday race”. From the end of October till the first of the following year we are all in high gear, time flies at a rate exceeding even the volume of money flying out of my bank account in an attempt to keep up the “holiday pace”.
What has happened to Thanksgiving? I know it’s not the same for everyone, but it appears to me that Thanksgiving has somehow become the “bridge” holiday between Halloween and Christmas. Why? Because it doesn’t directly pertain to kids getting something is my guess. Halloween = candy, Christmas = gifts, Thanksgiving = a time when family gets together and reaffirms their love for one another? Not very exciting for the five year old that gets everything she wants. Unless you manufacture cranberry sauce or frozen turkey’s this is not your annual money maker. Before Halloween has had the opportunity to expire, Stores are displaying their wares. I find this somewhat a blasphemy; Halloween and Christmas are probably the two most opposite holidays we celebrate!!
My family, I believe, has over the years perfected our own way to celebrate Thanksgiving. We completely remove ourselves from society and retreat into Smokey Mountains at the family Cabin for a week. Cell service is not available, no internet, video games, or even a shopping mall within 30 miles. It’s amazing what happens when there’s nothing but a crackling fire and conversation with our elders present in the room. Perhaps it’s a deeper appreciation for the people you love, triggered by the expression on your children’s faces as they finally learn to skip a flat rock over the water. Grandparents have a way of explaining things in a way that’s fun and interesting. I theorize that we all start out as children, become idiots somewhere in the middle with a thousand countless worries, and then die as enlightened children once again. This one on one communication between children and people who are not distracted by work, finances, and the never ending stupidity being broadcast on the daily news, is the catalyst for bidirectional interest and ultimately love for everyone involved.
When the food is all cooked and you bring to the table with your wife it’s rejuvenates the pride you have in this person and in the journey the two of you have shared in learning to appreciate such small things in life.
I’ve watched movies and been in mixed conversations concerning the annual dread of getting together for the holidays with your siblings. “My sister’s kids are horrible”, “My Brother’s wife is a witch, and everyone hates her.” Etc, etc. I understand this to some degree, but it makes me sad that people can’t separate themselves from “the rat race” long enough to simply focus on what’s really important in their lives. Is it possible this same group of people are shouldering stress from outside sources and blasting their family with it in hopes of some sympathy at a time when everyone just wants to forget about these things and appreciate each other? I speculate this is exactly what’s happening.
On the subject of “What is family?” Personally I believe it’s the people for whom you love and have love returned. Blood relations do not play a role here. My brother disappeared Christmas eve 2007 and has not been heard from by anyone since. My sister is simply a recluse and doesn’t attempt communication with anyone. Funerals, holidays, Birthdays, she considers herself exempt from all of this. I’ve spent the last 20 years celebrating a family I’m not blood related to, and I’m completely fine with that. Part of me honestly longs for an adult relationship with my siblings, but after 20 years I’ve grown weary of one sided communication. The “welcome beacon” is transmitting, but never answered. I have to wonder if my siblings and I have been apart this long, are we still compatible personalities? Do we truly want to open ”Pandora’s box” and see how we get along? Perhaps we’re better off leaving “Pandora’s box” shut tightly and live in the blissful ignorance of assuming we might, someday.

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S.F.

answers from Reno on

All I can say is that if you're in hyperdrive, both in terms of time and money, for the "holiday race," then it's by YOUR CHOICE. My husband and I opted out back in 1996 and haven't missed it at all. Halloween is simple costumes and $20 worth of candy. Thanksgiving is spent traveling (weather permitting) to see family. Christmas is spent quietly at home. If we can afford gifts that year, yay for us. If we can't, oh, well. We celebrate all of us being home, healthy and happy.

I was sharing with my husband just this morning that one of my (three) sisters-in-law claimed that my parents-in-law have been "boycotting" Christmas for years. Who knew? We spend a jolly Sunday some time in December with them and enjoy the season together. My husband's reply, "Oh, she just means that my parents aren't up to traveling to see them." THAT'S a boycott?!?! Never mind that it's a 3-5 hour drive (depending on which sister-in-law they see), over mountains and the weather can be dicey in our area in winter.

I submit to my fellow mamas that if you don't like holiday rat race, get out of it. Form your own traditions, rather than being slaves to a tradition that doesn't work for you. If family, the Joneses next door or the world doesn't like it, too bad for them.

Give it a try...it's very liberating.

2 moms found this helpful

S.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

WOW.
Thank you.
This is probably suitable for publication in a mass-market publication.

1 mom found this helpful

K.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

my husband and i host an annual "gypsy thankgiving" dinner. basically anyone without family in the area, or with no desire to deal with family drama just show up and we have a great time!

honestly, since we stop making thanksgiving about "families" we have noticed a marked reduction in stress! :-)

i say, enjoy your life. family is only related to you based on others decisions (primarily your parents' decision to conceive them). although in theory it seems like we all SHOULD get along with our family, sometimes it's just best to preserve one's sanity. there's only so many "happy faces" and "polite sarcasm" one can endure in a lifetime!

happy thanksgiving!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from St. Louis on

part of accepting others is acknowledging our differences. You embrace family....your siblings do not. You feel a loss....perhaps they do, too....(& perhaps not). Life can be challenging when trying to decipher other's perceptions of the world....especially when they differ from our own.

I, too, feel a sense of loss when it comes to family. I have found that family comes in varying degrees. While I would love to have "one big happy", I have found that sometimes it is just not possible. It is what I want, not what others want! Many of my interactions are one-sided, but it is my choice. I would prefer to be known as the Aunt who always thought to ask her nieces & nephews along on vacations & holidays....than to go without them. This is something that I do....& my sister never does. & yes, it is her loss....to never experience what we do as an extended family.

& as for that "welcome beacon", don't give up. Leave it dormant, but "on". You may find that you still have a connection with your siblings....after all, your sis may be a recluse - but don't you seek Solitude & Peace yourself in the Smokies....a getaway, albeit with your chosen family!

As we age, many of us feel a need to reconnect with our relatives. I make it a point to rejoice in this. It is the best that I can do. It is important to me to continue to reach out & embrace those.....lost lambs. Recently, at our family reunion, we had 2 cousins show up....whom we hadn't seen since their mom's funeral - almost 15 years ago! When they got out of the car, their 1st words were: "after all those years of ignoring the invitations, they figured it was time to see what it was all about" !! Success, yes!

I wish you Peace & Happiness........Embrace what you have, Rejoice in the Love surrounding you!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I think you've got it right!
I am so sick of Christmas merchandise O. aisle over from the Halloween candy!
Thanksgiving is truly a "Zen" holiday. A time to enjoy family, friends and be enjoyed by them.
As for the Christmas Rat Race--I'm OUT. And have been for a few years. I work from a list of what I know our recipients would love and appreciate. I don't stress over the prices and I REFUSE to board the hamster wheel of sales, coupons and "biggest discounts"! I simply do not participate in that foolishness. And I have been happier for that decision.
The people who aren't interested in opening "Pandora's Box" never will. They will be there at the 11th hour with many, many regrets. Very sad.

R.M.

answers from Modesto on

We also spend Christmas with a large amount of family at a cabin every few years for Christmas. And without cells, tv, and computers we all have a blast playing cards, cooking, eating, playing in the snow, drinking, laughing, talking, crying with each other and getting to know each other all over again.
The money spent on "things" does not compare to the money we spend renting the cabin in the woods over looking the lake and just "being". We all feel so much better after that one week of pure freedom and connection to one another.

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