My SIL always wants to have Holidays at her house. We live in the same town. The reason she wants them in her home is her husband won't leave his Lazy boy in front of an unbearably loud TV with either a game or an inappropriate movie on. Because her husband won't go anywhere else and her teenage boys won't either she pushes and gets her way to often have holidays at her house. My husband wanted to have Thanksgiving at our house and I thought that was the plan. He talked to my SIL and she told him she wanted it at her house.
Last year she (SIL) was sick with the flu and I offered to host it here at the last minute but again, her husband would not hear of leaving their house. So I cooked everything but the turkey at my house (shopping the day before, not the way I do things) and took everything to her house. Her husband bbq'd the Turkey and prime rib but literally the rest of the meal was catered by me. Well, I worked really hard at her house and didn't get to eat much and asked to take a plate of the food home.
A few weeks ago we were discussing Thanksgiving with one of her Aunts and she was upset about the plans (not at her house). Out of context she brings up the fact that they spent so much money on the prime rib and I asked to take some home. (I asked for left-overs with a tiny bit of the prime rib, verbatim). You should have seen the look on her Aunts face! I brought up the fact that she was sick and that I helped her but I could tell her Aunt was still disgusted with me as not knowing exactly what happened it sounds rude. It was a lot of work inconvenient and It would have been worlds easier as well as safer for everyone to have it at my house.
So now, not only am I mad at his sister, I don’t feel right about uninviting my brother and going over to her house. I know she will say “Oh he can come here”. He won’t, he doesn’t know them very well and I know he won’t be comfortable with the noise and amount of people and everyone eats with food on their laps, outside at a disintegrating patio table with an outdoor heater or in front of the LOUD TV.
I think my husband should handle this and he says he will, but this probably won’t happen until the last minute, I’m picturing them calling asking us to bring something and he tells them then. Should I talk to his Sister myself so atleast they know now instead of right before Thanksgiving? UGH!
Why does her husband have to go anywhere he does not want to go? Let him sit in his Lazy Boy in front of his TV by himself. Why is everybody else prisoner to what he is doing? SIL can take him a plate of food at the end of the day.
I think it is time to make an agreement to start doing Thanksgiving every other year at each others home. Share the joy of hosting..
This year, flip a coin to see who will host and go from there..
Just spend the holiday at home with YOUR family. That settles it!
OMG-NEVER have thanksgiving with these ingrates ever again!!!!! What a disgusting thanksgiving day that is. And my jaw literally dropped when I read the part about the prime rib and you being blamed for taking some!!! After all you did for her last year!! Call your SIL tonight and say "hey-just wanted to let you know that we are doing thanksgiving here this year so we won't be coming over. Thanks for the invite though." Don't let her talk you out of it. You should not have to be subjected to these people. If they still want to get together visit with them AFTER the meal. Now let me warn you-she will not be happy...she has come to depend on you to be her little worker bee. SO WHAT!! Do not budge on this. And be perfectly frank with your husband. You just will not be treated like that-sorry-don't care who it is.
Thanksgiving is about giving thanks and dealing with chaos makes it hard to remember the true meaning of the holiday. I agree with Momma L below, you are not required to have dinner with relatives. I would call the sister now and let her know that you are doing your own dinner at home and everyone is invited to come if they like. If they call and choose not to come then offer to stop by for dessert after your dinner (if it is ok with them of course). That way you can enjoy dinner in a pleasant environment and and not have to worry about everyone else.
Give thanks and enjoy!
P.S. It is TOTALLY customary to send left-overs home with your guests at Thanksgiving and you were not out of line AT ALL in asking. Good grief, these people are pretty ridiculous, huh? I don't blame you for wanting to come up with a different solution.
I'm in agreement with you definitely having it at your house. Let her know you wil be hosting at your house this year and they are welcome to join you and the family.
It's their loss if they don't come. Not yours!
It isn't a requirement to have Thanksgiving dinner at relative's houses, or to host big ones at your own home. Have it at your house with your own family, invite some friends or other family. You can go to the SIL's later for dessert if you really want.
I vote with the Mom's who suggested you have your turkey and eat it too!!
Please de-stress this holiday. Let your hubby know that you are cooking a lovely meal, invite your brother, and who ever else you want, and have a peaceful, joyful meal in your own home. Start your own holiday tradition this year. Let the SIL, and Aunt's and other sundry in-laws know that they are all welcome to come to your house, and assure them that if they do not you will try and stop by to see them AFTER your meal. Make it clear that this is what you will be doing each and every year from now on. Once the relatives realize that there is an alternative to the chaos that is the SIL's house you will be over-run with guests.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
I suggest that you plan to have Thanksgiving at your house and invite everyone. They can come or not. It's their decision. It just doesn't seem reasonable to continue going when you're not enjoying it. And I can see no way that you can convince her ahead of time to let you have it. So, just plan the have your own Thanksgiving dinner, invite whomever you want to come and let the chips fall where they may.
I think you went way above and beyond last year which in the end caused hard feelings all around. This year stand for what you think is right and what will make you and your immediate family happy. This will be difficult for your husband. Hopefully, he'll understand and back the plan.
There is no way to compromise when the other person isn't flexible. You've tried doing it her way and it hasn't worked. It's time to do it your way.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this situation on such a special holiday! You should have Thanksgiving at your home with your immediate family. You don't have to spend a miserable day at your SIL's! Cook your own turkey, invite some frineds who don't have family in town, and enjoy your own celebration!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Yes, I would tell them that you had planned for Thanksgiving at your house and have invited family already with that belief. Sorry, we won't be able to join you this year. Next year we will host. If not, maybe you can do an every other year thing. If they come to your house, great, if not, fine. You can then decide if you even want to go every other year.
I'd call now and say "Guess what, we arent coming this year Dahling"... they'll get over it. If Hubby wants to go spend some time over there watching the game let him go.... Try not to turn a mole hill into a mountain.
Stay home and cook your bird for your brother and the rest of your family.
It's all about the LOVE and leftovers... lol... . We have to stop and BREATHE and be thankful these holidays only come once a year when it comes to some of the chaos.
T., I am glad that you had a chance to vent and to let go so that when you do talk to this part of the family you can just let go of the frustration and have a conversation. Since you live in the same town you most likely spend lots of other time together so maybe it is time to either do a progressive party where you each do part of the meal and then go to the others for dessert. Or since you must have other parts of family then spend it with them instead. I have several siblings and we are within 20 minuets of one another and we have made it a point to spend other days together but we each have our own traditions we desire to have that don't all go together. We just call it respect for one another. My SIL lives out of the area and is gracious enough to make the sacrifice to come and be with her husbands family for the holidays but she takes time to spend several days with her own sisters and thier families while here. If someone is ill then it makes no sence for you to have to be around so everyone gets sick. Sounds as if she is despeate to belong and prove herself since her husband has set such a poor example for his sons and she it sounds like has nothing to say about it. Sorta feel sorry for her.
But just make sure that your husband is able to be at peace with what ever happens and know that there are so many people that are alone that day that you can always invite others in to share your day and make all new traditions.I really wish you well. This is a time of showing how grateful you are for the wonderful things one has in life. Good Luck
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this! I know how difficult it is to deal with in-laws!!! I'd plan on having dinner at your home from now on! Invite them over (so as not to be rude), but just as holidays are for family, it is for spending time with YOUR family and not just sitting in front of a loud television, or catering to just one person (or family).
We did the whole "take turns" deal with Christmas, until it was our turn to host. At that point, my SILs decided that they didn't want to have it at our home with their brother, and made other plans without letting us know. I had made so much food and bought so much already that backing out was out of the question. Instead of taking all that food to THEIR party, we traveled 5 hours with a car full of food to spend it with other family that truly appreciated us. Perhaps that is what you need to do! Spend time with family that appreciates you and what you contribute! Good luck!
All families have their fair share of disagreements when it comes to the holidays, sorry to hear you are in the midst of dealing with one.
I think you should say something to your SIL about hosting at your house. Tell her you thought you were hosting and would like to and she and her family are all welcome to come. I agree with the previous post maybe you can offer to host every other year and the two of you can rotate. If she isn't willing then maybe every other year she and her family don't come over to celebrate the holiday with your family then, leave it in her ball court.
Good luck!
Have your own Thanksgiving with your brother at your house.
I'd tell her now not to expect your family. End of story.
(As they say--nice work if you can get it--never having to leave your house on a holiday--just so you can sit on your keester! AND then everyone else can scramble around, right? Sheesh...sounds like my in-laws on Christmas morning....but that's another post!)
It's only stressful if you let her make it that way. You have to do what's right for your family and so it's enjoyable for you too. Tell her you are having it at your house and you really hope she can make it, but if she can't u understand. Maybe have a Little get together on Friday or Saturday without all the stress and expectations we have come to put on holidays. Don't feel bad for making yourself happy. We all have a choice in life and you can choose happiness and no stress!
Invite them to thanksgiving at your house, if they come-great- if not, thats fine. You will be in control of the cooking etc. and won't have to worry about the loud tv or rude people! Its not fair for her to to the host every year and especially after the way she and her aunt treated you last year! They should have been greatful for you to make all the food AND bring it over AND clean up AND not even get to eat while you are there! You deserve to be treated better than this....teach them how to treat you. Have it at your house and forget the stress... :)
Molly
