Thinking of Divorce; Spouse Is Threatening to Fight for the House

I would recommend you find an attorney who specializes in family law and real estate, if possible. I work for an attorney in the White Mtns, and how the divorce settlement ends up really depends on a lot of different factors, like whose name is on the deed of trust to the property, etc. You could always go in for a consultation before deciding whether or not to file. Some attorneys even do free or cheap consultations.

Who's name is on the house? You might have to buy his "half" from him. Mostly the houses are sold and the $$ is split. Sorry for your situation. Best of luck!

That is a really tough situation. I was in a similar marital situation and decided to leave. I don't think it's fair for the kids for you to stay together because of them. I believe they'll do better in two loving homes rather then one full of bitterness. I would though have a head to head with your husband about your complaints before moving on. I think he deserves to know that you're feeling like you don't want to be in the relationship anymore and why that is, you also need to know what he's feeling as well. It's hard to support you without knowing all the details. For instance are you working full time? What is your contribution to the household? Are there situations where you could take care of the kids while he's working on the house? Are there situations where you could pitch in folding /dishes etc. while you're sitting down? I'd definitely confront him about his drinking. If he's had a beer or two and doesn't affect him, no worries. If it's true that he's drunk a lot of the time, it's time to talk to him about it. When you're not feeling so good about yourself it's easy to put blame or point out what's wrong with other people. Mostly the ones who are closest. How are you feeling about you? Can you try to take a night with kids at a friends house, make nice dinner with your husband or go out to eat? Try to find the guy that you were attracted to? If you go through all the steps to try to make the relationship work and it's not happening, then yeah, it's time to move on....
good luck

Big big hugs to you honey.

Talk to a good attorney. Like you, I had a bunch of tangeldy financial issues. Over the course of a couple hour consultation with an attorney we got everything straightened out in

1) Best Case
2) Probably Case
3) Worst Case scenarios

I can't even BEGIN to tell you what a load that was off my shoulders. Everything in black and white, no guess work.

As far as the house, what my attorney did was to lay out the "formula" (there are a LOT of "formulas" used in divorce, a divorce is more a business transaction than anything else). Anything that had gone into the house prior to the marriage, and any "gifts" from MY family during the term of the marriage, would be mine 100% in best case scenario, and in probable case ditto, and in worst case he would recieve 1/2 the value of gifts to me since it went to "our" house. The remainder (both debt and asset) would be split in half. Now in MY case I would have gotten/would get the house 100% because our "balance sheets" are so incredibly unequal. (I flipped burgers to get him through med school kind of thing). So we went from having equal earning potential in the beginning of our marriage to him making 14x what I can make.)

You didn't say whether you're doing CH7 or CH13, which will make a difference in the proceedings ... but again LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.

Wait :D let me do that again LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.

Get recommendations from friends or coworkers, and do NOT share a lawyer under any circumstances.

As far as ADHD goes... you never know (as an adhd-c adult mum to an adhd-c kiddo). Sometimes things that you think will make something worse actually make a thing better, and sometimes it doesn't. But I personally can't live my life in fear of what MAY happen. I just can't. It's too depressing.

Updated

Big big hugs to you honey.

Talk to a good attorney. Like you, I had a bunch of tangeldy financial issues. Over the course of a couple hour consultation with an attorney we got everything straightened out in

1) Best Case
2) Probable Case
3) Worst Case scenarios

I can't even BEGIN to tell you what a load that was off my shoulders. Everything in black and white, no guess work.

As far as the house, what my attorney did was to lay out the "formula" (there are a LOT of "formulas" used in divorce, a divorce is more a business transaction than anything else). Anything that had gone into the house prior to the marriage, and any "gifts" from MY family during the term of the marriage, would be mine 100% in best case scenario, and in probable case ditto, and in worst case he would recieve 1/2 the value of gifts to me since it went to "our" house. The remainder (both debt and asset) would be split in half. Now in MY case I would have gotten/would get the house 100% because our "balance sheets" are so incredibly unequal. (I flipped burgers to get him through med school kind of thing). So we went from having equal earning potential in the beginning of our marriage to him making 14x what I can make.)

You didn't say whether you're doing CH7 or CH13, which will make a difference in the proceedings ... but again LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.

Wait :D let me do that again LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.

Get recommendations from friends or coworkers, and do NOT share a lawyer under any circumstances.

As far as ADHD goes... you never know (as an adhd-c adult mum to an adhd-c kiddo). Sometimes things that you think will make something worse actually make a thing better, and sometimes it doesn't. But I personally can't live my life in fear of what MAY happen. I just can't. It's too depressing.

No one can tell you if your marriage can be saved, only you know that. I do know that therapy saved mine. As for the house, I am not sure how long the 2 of you have been together, but in most states that fact that you have been married for a number of years and the fact that he has built equity into the home does give him the right to a percentage of it, as it should. Talk to a lawyer, maybe the 2 of you can agree on a number for you to buy him out of the home.

V., my heart goes to you.
Have you lose all interest in saving your marriage? Would he be willing to go to counselor?
If you can't take it anymore, and you have no interested in find a solution or you just know your husband have already give up, then think is time for look for help, and get divorce. Alcohol is never a good part in any marriage and neither so many negative interaction that your kid will feel and suffer.
I am not lawyer so I would not even try to advice in that subject because I don't want to say something stupid. I strongly recommend to make an appointment with a professional, this are the kind of thing that you should not doubt about ask for help.
I understand why you are afraid, when I divorce the father of my kid (the first) I was also scare, and it was veryyyy hard, I didn't have a degree, and I didn't want to ask help to my family because all the "I told you so".
Do you have family that can help you? Have you ask if you can get help for your son for free?
I don't really have an advice ( I wish did) but want to tell you that many woman have being in your situation and find a way. My mom was also a single mom, and so do I, until I found the love of my life.
I want to believe that onces the whole fight for what is yours and what is mine, your husband would be again a good dad and will be around your kid.
Perhaps being alone will make him put things in perspective.

I think alot of the issue is that you've perhaps lost some respect for him. You are the main bread winner. He is the main caregiver. At the same time he may be feeling a bit depressed over the situation also.

I would think that whomever got main custody of the kids would be the one to get the house as part of the stability for the kids.

As for the housekeeping. This is a common complaint in my house. So I picked the one main complaint - sorting/putting away the laundry. I focus on that one every week. I help with the other chores, but somehow that laundry (for 4 people) is all mine. The trick that has helped most is to sort and put away the clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer.

As for his drinking. He should NOT be drinking while he is the adult in charge. What would he do if for some reason he had to drive the car? He would endanger the kids and that isn't right. Perhaps you could see a couselor together to help decrease or stop the drinking. Then you could work on the respect issues.

Good luck
M.

First of all, both of you should have been going to counseling and your husband needs to stop drinking. I think he drinks because he is very unhappy too, and deep down hates that he can't work full-time. He definitely has some issues he really needs to address. In the mean time, you should go to counseling for yourself also. Together as well. The ones that are going to have a very hard time with all that chaos, unfortunately are your children. In CA, If you have been married for 10 yrs or more (used to be 7), I hate to say this but the house now becomes the both yours. But here in Ca, courts always gives preference to mom and kids to stay in the house. If he's the one taking care of them, and if he gets a good lawyer, he would likey get the kids and house. The judge would grant both of you joint custody but he would get physical custody. But if you can prove he's a drunk and/or drinks all the time, he could lose. You have to have proof for everything and being in counseling would be a plus in court. But really think about your children! They are going to be devastated. I don't know how old are they but you might put them in counseling too, depending on how old they are. My first marriageg ended in divorce, we tried to make it as easy as possible for the sake of our two children who were like 8 and 5 at the time and even so it was so very hard, especially on my son, the 5 yr old. They are now 21 and 17 and because my ex and me have had a semi good relationship, kids grow up healthier and happier. And my grown kids are! I hope there was a way that both of you could work it out because divorce could be so ugly! I really recommend counseling for both of you together and separate, and go from there. Good luck!

Have you considered counseling? Sounds like there is lots of anger and resentment.

Don't know what state you live in, but in my experience- whatever you have (in your name) before marriage is still yours after a divorce, so long as it's still in your name.

Unfortunately- the divorce may get very ugly.

Talk to a marital counselor for perspective on you and your husband, and a family counselor for guidance with your children.

Best luck!

Usually the house goes with the kids. If it is not in his name then that will probably not be much of a chance of him taking it. You may have to give him half of the equity but since there is none then that is out of the question. I have had two loser husbands but thank goodness I never dealt with a drunk. Best of luck to you. Usually the initial consultation with a lawyer is free and you can get your questions answered.

I was in a similar situation. When it's time to go, it's time to go. Your house isn't worth anything anyway. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and try to get back to a "normal" life. I lost more than 60k cash in my home in my divorce. It still hurts to this day, but I had to do it at the time for my and my kids sanity. My husband did not drink but that would have really been a deal breaker with me. You think the kids don't see that? Its time to move on and it sounds like you know. We women can make it thru anything. At the time of my divorce I had just started my business from scratch (I own an insurance agency) and wasn't making any money yet and as I said I lost my house and had to move in with my mom and my 2 kids. Not my ideal situation! But now I'm married to a wonderful man and my kids are happy. Their dad pays child support (mostly) and he sees them every other weekend. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find a solution. Good luck.

How about trying this one thing.... Get Laura Schlesinger(sp?)'s book titled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (not a title I like but the contents are great!)

Maybe things did change, maybe not with your hysterctomy 4 yrs ago. The point is things can change again, for the better. Right now you two are in a battle trying to get everything you can, trying to get them to do things for you. Try, as the book describes, to treat him in such a way that he knows how well cared for he is and then he cannot do enough for you. Just get it, read it with an open mind, and TRY IT. You have nothing to lose and possibly a whole lot to gain (instead of losing).

However, if you've tried it for some time and he really and truly cares only about his drinking and not anything about the family or you, then it may be time to consult a good lawyer and figure out your options.

Hi V.,
I'm so sorry for your situation-especially for you and your kids. I am actually in almost the same situation right now, except that my kids are older so I only have a 16 yr old left at home. My 19 yr old son struggled with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and Growth Hormone Deficiency since he was 3. It's certainly challenging, but what he needed most was structure and stability. Any time my husband and I fought or were upset it made it much worse on my son, and he would act out more at home and at school. I did put him in weekly counseling sessions, and he benefitted greatly from that for 10 years.

As for the drinking, take a step back and try to view your home and daily interactions as someone who doesn't know him. I found over the years I became more and more tolerant, and I would downplay my husband's daily drinking, or I would even make excuses for him because I knew how stressed and unhappy he was at work. At one point I even felt partially responsible for his drinking because I was not being a "good" wife (working very long hours, not cooking regularly, not cleaning regularly). Once I realized how things looked through my teenagers eyes it was easy to make the decision move out and move on. And once I made my decision it seems my husband completely spiralled out of control - drinking and driving with my son in the car, having my son drive him and his friends around when they were drinking, and finally getting an Extreme DUI. So, now he has a Criminal Defense Attorney, and I have a new 2 bedroom apartment for me, my son and our 2 dogs! It's not easy going from a 5 bedroom house to an apartment, but I LOVE that the drama is gone from daily life!
Have you checked into any local Al-Anon meetings? Or maybe reading some of the articles or books online at www.al-anon-az.org. Sometimes it helps to talk to or listen to others that are struggling.

Good luck to you,
D.

Funny, I was just saying to my husband today that I didn't know how my mother stayed with my father for so long being that he was often drunk and she wasn't. Anyway, if it is a daily occurrence, I personally would run.

As for the house, a good attorney and a judge will tell who gets the house. It is likely one will be required to buy the other out.

I know divorce is hard but do you think this is a good environment for your children, especially if your husband is drinking? Have you thought about counseling? Good luck. I wish you the best.

I heard advice many years ago from Dr Joy Brown regarding leaving a house you love. If you are really ready to end it, based on everything else, don't ever leave that house. Once you leave your house, with your kids or not, it might be the last time you ever step foot in that house.

So if you really want it, you might have to call it home base....then if he WON'T leave....is that really worth it?! Good luck!

Sorry to hear that you are going through rough times in your marriage. It sounds like you have made a decision, but are concerned about what the ramifications of your decision will be. I found myself in a similar situation. My husband and I have 2 small children. He was "unhappy" and did things that aren't appropriate when married. I tried to forgive and move on, but he began drinking and it began to affect my children. So I decided to move out and it was the best decision for me. My oldest is starting to act out a little and I am trying to be patient and understanding. Now when it comes to the house, that should be yours. You owned it before you married so it should not be community property. I would suggest talking to a lawyer. Many will do a consultation for a fee. At least then you know where you stand and what your rights are. They can answer your questions and so on. I hope this helps. Good luck with whatever decision you make.