Thoughts on Needing Passion in Relationship/marriage

I know how you feel. I must have been attracted to my husband at one point, but recently not at all. We have one 2 year old, and I would never want to leave the relationship because she loves him so much and is happiest when we are both home. But, I also wonder if there is someone else out there for me. He is a good guy, but we also fight because I feel like he could be doing more. Maybe this also gets in the way of my wanting to have sex. We are scheduled for couples therapy and thats the only thing I could suggest.

I sympathize.

This may be a bit off the wall, but I am a cleansing coach and I have had a number of couples go on my 30-day nutritional program with great results. This product is endorsed by John Gray of Men are from Mars fame. Who would know better about couples relationships? (One husband confided in me that his wife was a bottle-a-day wine drinker and managed to greatly reduce her intake as a result of the cleanse.) One product, Ionix Supreme increases libido according to John Gray.

Everyone reports more energy and there is the added benefit of signficant weight loss if one is overweight. (7-15 lbs or even more for men).

This could be something that you do as a couple. It might be worth a try. My website is Revive.Isagenix.com

A.

Girl, we need to talk! I am in the same situation, but I would like to email you privately on this and not have it posted on the message board. Email me at ____@____.com
and we can talk.

Hi Melinda. You have been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful little girls. Your husband is a good man, treats you well and is very attracted to you!! I just wanted to repeat that back to you.

Marriage is not easy. The world we live in today says that we should do what makes us happy, what FEELS right. We hear these things constantly. I just think that if we are all honest we could completely relate with your situation. We have all felt that way at one time or another.

I have been married for 7 years and have 2 boys, 5 & 2. My husband is my best friend...we have a good relationship. But there are times when I don't feel attracted to him either and we have similar issues that you mentioned above. Part of it is having small children I think. As women and mom's we give and give and give all day long. Sex can sometimes seem like a chore at the end of the day and it can take some work to make the passion come back again. But it is worth it. My husband and I got a book from a friend of ours called "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed & Gayle Wheat. There are a lot of things in that book that were helpful for both my husband and I.

About physical appearance...I just want to share this cause in my life it happened recently. My husband is, how shall I say...not the guy who stands in front of the mirror in the morning fixing his hair. He's the guy that as he's running out the door I'm yelling, BRUSH YOUR HAIR!!!!!!!!!! Or, Haven't you been wearing that shirt for 2 days. About a month ago I just couldn't take it anymore. His hair had grown so out of control and he just looked horrible and I had a hard time even kissing him...I'm being honest here. One night we were hanging out after the kids were in bed and I said that I really wanted to tell him something but I didn't want him to get mad at me or think I don't love him. I started by saying how I know I've let my body go some after having the kids and I am trying to work out and get myself together. I know that I don't look the way I used to. We have conversations about not having enough sex or whatever but I said it's not only all on my part. I want to be attracted to you and feel passion for you but physical appearance does play a big role in that. I said, I love when you look groomed and your hair is short and fixed and you smell like cologne. Now I know I'm just home with the kids right now but I make an effort to do my hair and put on makeup (most days) just so that you don't only see me in my PJ's. Anyway...long story short we had an open discussion about it. He understood and I was reiterating through the conversation how I love him, etc. We were always very open with each other so it wasn't too hard for me to do this. I don't know how you are with your husband...but he went out the next day, got a haircut and since then has really been trying to not be like Pig Pen from Peanuts. HA. And I really do feel more attracted to him. We also try to go out on dates either once a week or once every two weeks. That also REALLY helps. We get dressed up for each other and either go out wiht another couple or alone.

This is getting long...sorry. Just wanted to also say that in that book this woman was sharing the wife's side...being home with the kids, etc. Feeling like a yucky mommy. She was saying how fantasizing plays a big role in getting our passion going...but fantasizing about our husbands. Thinking of them throughout the day and planning on a romantic evening...putting effort into it. It seems like a whole lot when you're not feeling it, I know. But I tried it and it really worked and our intimate life changed a lot.

Bottom line is love is not a feeling...it's a choice. I don't always feel like getting up with my kids in the morning...I don't have gushy feelings that I love them at 7 am, but I ACT because I do love them. And then at breakfast when my little guy says I ov ooo mommy the gushy love feelings come. Melinda you are blessed with a good husband and a family. I pray that you and your husband will come to a fuller relationship through this "trial" or whatever you want to call it. It's not worth throwing that away to just check out other options.

If you ever want to talk more about it I'm here.

You've received so much wonderful feedback. I didn't respond at first because I thought I'd just reiterate what others have said but I noticed after glancing through several of the posts that I have some unique comments to offer. I hope you'll find them helpful.

First of all, it is so normal to feel this way. I spoke to my dr when I noticed that I had feelings similar to yours and between her advice and my own examination of the situation this is what I discovered. When we have kids our bodies go on a "hormonal roller coaster ride". It is very common for your body to not respond as it used to even when there is an attraction so it is even worse when there isn't. Also, especially if you breastfed for any length of time, you might be thinking of your body in a much more "functional" way than you ever did before. And, especially if you had any tearing, sex may feel different than before you had a baby pass through your vagina! I'm saying this because you might be thinking sex is going to be like "old times" with your ex but it won't be. And even if you didn't have kids, our bodies are very different at 34 than they are at 26 - my friends without kids have convinced me of that.

In addition to all that, even if you weren't overly turned on by your husband before, most females do have an innate need to give and receive affection and your husband (and before he was your husband) was your partner in the giving and receiving of affection before your kids came along. Alot of men are not overly affectionate, so unless they are getting it and it is obvious to them that they need to recipricate they don't usually just offer up lots of hugs and kisses, and cuddling...etc. Now that you give so much of your affection and attention to your kids there's very little, if any, left for the two of you to share. He misses it and wants it but being a guy he doesn't know how to get it so every effort makes us cringe because we think they're just after sex. And we don't want to be too affectionate, even when we do have a bit left over from all the hugs and kisses we give our babies, because we're afraid a smiple kiss will turn into him wanting sex when all we really wanted was a passionate kiss. It's a nasty cycle.

With all that said it's up to you to change it. My advice is to try to become more passionate on your own first. Reconnect with your body, try to think of yourself as a sexual being again and try to make yourself feel sexy again. Once or twice a week make an effort to go overboard with your looks. When he comments that you look nice or even if he is a typical guy and says something stupid like "why are you wearing all that makeup? why is your hair so poofy"..whatever...just smile and give him a kiss and tell him you wanted to LOOK NICE FOR HIM today.

Last thoughts...make this about you, not him. You can change this around. Focus on yourself for a while. DO NOT call the ex. DO NOT keep thinking about leaving your husband. DO NOT keep thinking negative thoughts about him and your relationship. Think about you. Imagine the kind of marraige you want your daughters to have. Imagine their husbands, their lives 30 year from now, and create that in your own life. You can do it with simple actions. You can't control what he does but you can create a loving, supportive environment where you are happy and he'll want to be a part of that and will find the motivation to make changes to ensure that he is.

Oops, I just re-read your post before I hit send and have one more comment. You mentioned that there's a cycle...you talk, it gets better, then it gets worse again...marriage is not a destination. It's a living, breathing relationship between two people whose lives change every moment. It requires work. "why do I have to try to take care of improving those things in his life"? Because you're his WIFE! Everyone is responsible for their own happiness but you are responsible for the happiness of your children and for your own happiness. If helping him become healthier will improve the quality of everyone's life then is your resposibility to help any way you can.

If all else fails go get a brazilian wax...that always makes me feel sexy and motivates me to initiate intimacy with my hubby! : )

Blessings to you and your family!

Melinda:
Do not do anything you will regret for the rest of your life! Not only will doing something regretable affect your marraige, it will have lifelong effect on your children. I have been married for almost 19 years and my husband and I have gone through all those things. Today we couldn't be any closer or more loving toward each other, thanks to good friends, God and prayer. Every marraige goes through a phase and you get out of a relationship what you put into it. Instead of planning things to do outside of the marraige, why not plan things that will spice up your own marraige? Something I learnt over the years is this: when you do something to make you feel better, like get a massage, get a new hairdo, buy some new lingerie... then you begin to see yourself in a different light, and, believe me, it rubs off on your spouse. THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!! That is all fairytale. Good luck!

Melinda,

I am gonna give my absolute honest opinion, Which could be offensive so I appologize in advance.

BUT Have you noticed how this ENTIRE rant has been about YOU.
And your Needs,wants and desires.

In the begining of this little story you talk about passion.

He treats you well but he is getting older and fatter.

You don't have sex as often as you would like.

You talk about finding a soul mate and then ask if you should try and hook up with your EX.

Melinda, how ridiculous does that sound,PETTY, selfish, and frankly cosmetic.

If you want passion in your marriage YOU MAKE IT,
If you want SEX, better sex and more of it, YOU CREATE a pattern of good sex,
And as far as DAYDREAMING that your EX is more passionate about YOU than your Husband thats a CROCK.

WHAT IS A SOULMATE.???

I am gonna be completely honest with you before you screw up your life and your husbands and especially your children's

--THIS IS STUFF you should have already dealt with YEARS AGO

You have absolutely NO right to NOW decide you need a refund
because the meal tasted good , looked good but it just wasn't exactly what you wanted.

THIS IS NOT JUST YOUR LIFE, this is your families life.

This teenaged romance doesn't exist

Real life isnt perfect,

My husband and i used to have great sex AFTER we were first married, Before marriage it was all staged and pretend.

Why because we could really be ourselves, we love UNCONDITIONALLY
I love his man boobs, and he loves my tootsie rolls,
I love his nose hairs and he loves my hairy unshaved legs
he loves my brunt meals, and I love his never ending weekend honey do list that never gets done.

When my husband and i have sex i tell him what i like and what i don't like, and after a while they learn,
and every few months we have really good sex,
but most of the time its tired old wrinkly people sex, we have 3 kids and he works from 7am til atleast 7 pm sometimes later.
I am a SAHM but i gotta say i am wiped OUT.
and don't really feel like pleaseing him all the time, nor he me.

SO what to do when you need sex and hubby is not up to it,
MASTERBATION. or get a vibrator.

You will not be beautiful for ever,
and i am sure your not as good looking as you would like to think.

IF you love a man who loves conditionally, how do you know he won't toss you aside once the conditions fail.

Are you teaching your children to only love whats on the surface.

Do you want your kids to have this jaded view of relationships, that they aren't worthy of being loved if they get fat or wrinkled.

What will they learn of commitment and what that means?

I think you bett rethink this little daydream, and replace your EX's imaginary passion, with something more realistic.

Or at least untangible before you ruin your life.

Best wishes

M

Oh Melinda,
I have such mixed feeling on how to answer you, but I honestly want the best for you and your family, especially your kids!! I want to yell at you and tell you, you should be better than this. You sound like a man who is going to cheat on his wife (Gov. Spitzer). When you were pregnant, did your husband tell you how fat and unattrative you looked? I hope not. Marriage is about commitment and love. NOT LUST. I know how much you love him, it's clear, and honestly that should be enough. We are in a society where looks are everything. You need to be slim, and beautiful, and he needs to be buff and strong. In reality it's not always that way. Too much Soaps, romantic novels, really warp womens sense of reality. If you were in an accident and you were disfigured and your husband left you just for that, wouldn't you wonder "Where is the love?", For better or for worse. Look at all these heroic Men coming home from war, missing limbs, and face disfigured from road side bombs, I sincerely hope their loved one don't give up on them, bc of looks. I hope your husband never cheats on you, or leaves you for someone else, but that is what your thinking. And it hurts and it's very sad for me to think about your precious children seeing all this. They need to grow up knowing, mom and dad love each other bc we are a family, not bc my mom and dad have great sex.
There is so much more than passion here, love should conquer all, and if you want your husband to loose weight it should be bc of his health, and to be there for a long time for you and your kids, not bc you want passionate sex. Melinda, I beg you to see you husband for the great provider, great father and great husband that he is, belly and all. That really should be enough. Good luck.

Hi Melinda, I just want you to know I prayed for you when I read your dilema. My advice is stay together. And work hard at it. Talk to your husband, in a nice way ask him if you could possibly work out together, which would give you some time to become friends, as well as give him the much needed exercise. To me it sounds like your husband must have a very low self-esteem, which in turn makes it seem like he doesn't care about himself. Consider why you got together with him in the first place. There must be some good things to him. Focus on that and go from there. I don't want to push religion on you, but my husband and I have gone through some very rough times as well and . . . praying together is what kept us together, when there was nothing else left to hold onto.

As for his diet and addition to soda, well, you're the cook aren't you? Cook nice meals, tell him about the negative affects of soda, not only on his outward appearance but to his organs as well. Don't tell him that you're not at all attracted to him, tell him, in a nice way, that you would be attracted to him sexually as well, if he took care of himself. In the mean time focus on his good points, how he treats you and your children. I hope this helps somewhat. A verse that I really like is Psalm 46:1
Take care and may God bless you, He wants your marriage to work. My advice about contacting your ex, Do NOT, please consider your daughters, what would this do to them??

Marriage is tougher then I ever expected, most likely due to all the fairy tale garbage we are fed growing up. I have learned quickly that marriage has little to do with passion and looks and everything to do with love (in action not feeling). For a relationship to last there a few things that need to be in order
1)Divorce needs to no longer be an option. Accept the life long commitment.
2)Treat your husband with respect whether you think he deserves it or not.
3)Focus on what you are giving or not giving in the relationship and stop fretting over what you get or don't get.
I know this sounds crazy in our selfish and divorce ridden culture but I don't know or too many people who have long marriages that did it any other way.
If you think you need help, seek it. Every phase passes. I would just be so happy to be loved by my best friend.

I'm just going to leave a little message here to see what other people are writing; then perhaps I'll write more later, but my opinion is always (unless you are in an abusive situation) to stay. Exactly 5 years ago, my husband and I went thru a VERY difficult time, at almost the exact same time as you (our kids were a little older, but I was your age); married 10 years, 2 kids, stay-at-home, etc...no passion.

I would urge you to evaluate carefully & realistically what your lives would be like without your husband. Ask yourself if your daughters' stability and well-being is more valuable to you than your own sexuality. Is providing a secure home environment important enough to make self-sacrifice worthwhile? People say that children are priceless, but of course they're not free. There's always a cost (financial or otherwise); consider what price you are willing to pay to provide what will benefit these girls the most. Because I don't know where you stand spiritually, I won't go into how you felt about your marriage vows, but at some point you may want to contemplate what that decision meant to you as well.

I know all this makes me sound old-fashioned (and I guess I am), plus I've written more than I'd planned to, but this issue is VERY close to my heart. I've lived it, and, by the grace of God, survived with my marriage intact and it's WAY healthier. Please contact me if you'd like to talk more.

Hi-Did you ever think you would get this many responses? It seems everyone has an opinion, huh? Well- here's mine.... I am a happily married 32 yo mom of 2 boys. I was engaged once before I found my husband. I ended that relationship 3 months before we were to get married. It was the smartest thing I did- because I went on to find my husband. I do not think you should call your ex- I have dreams about a moviestar- does that mean I should call him? No- it's something your mind configures and you have no control over it, but you can control how you handle it afterwords. Are you in love with your husband? Can you imagine your life without him? Why did you marry him? Ask yourself these questions. I don't thing you should be unhappy in a marraige- but you have kids to consider. I know someone who thought they were so unhappy with their husband- (the husband which let her stay home and raise their kids, who worked hard- then would come home and make dinner for the family if she asked, or would do the laundry or anything else she wanted). She left him for someone else- and guess what- she could kick herself in the booty now! She now realizes how good she had it- and how unhappy she really is now. Maybe she was just bored with the relationship, you know the everyday grind- the monotony of the whole thing. That's what it sounds like with you- SO spruce it up yourself. Do something fun- go out and spend the night at a hotel with your hubby. I would seriously talk to him about the weight thing. Not just for you, but for his health. Forget about the Ex and work on what you have- A great guy- that deserves your love and attention. (Cuz the grass is not always greener on the other side)GOOD LUCK!!!

Melinda,
I feel for your predicament. some marry for love and passion, and others for friendship and security. Only you can decide what is right for you, but once you decide what you want in life, you can't revisit your decision over and over again. Being unhappy and unfulfilled will ripple through your marriage and also negatively affect your children.

Have the honest discussion with your husband and try to work through your feelings. If that does not work, move on while you can.

I am in a restaurant in Bombay India (visiting for work) and my 5 guy friends around the table have different advice. They think you should buy the book "the happiness hypothesis" and find the chart which maps passionate love and companion love". They say it will answer your question.

Finally one friend says that being married to your best friend is a wonderful thing. Don't look for the cheesy passion you read about in Cosmo.

We all agree, however, that he needs to lose weight pronto. No excuse for that.

Good luck.

What a hard place to be in. Before making any major changes, you really should try marriage councelling. You need to be fair to him, your kids, and yourself by really trying to see if it can work. Councelors have made a huge differences in many marriages and helped couples rediscover each other. Sometimes it still doesn't work out, but then you can leave without the guilt of not having given it a fair chance - and hopefully a more cordial parting which would make it much easier on your kids going forward.

Good luck

First and forthmost you must be "thankful" for having a good man in your life, father and provider. Secondly i think you should approach this issue from a diffeent angle, a health angle. Talk to your husband about the benefits of eating better, (included how being healthy will improve your sex life :)I also think that if you are truly his friend as you say then you should be able to speak to him about this issue in a way where he feels loved and not attack. Relationships are hard, but i dont think you should give up. Sometimes people are always looking on the other side of the fence thinking the grass is greener, but in fact it's not. Try and remember why you married him in the first place. Put the kids to bed early and just hang out with your hubby. Believe me you may not be telling him with words how you feel but your actions/reactions are showing it. stay focus on the here and now. Maybe you can help him with his weight issue by cutting down on the types of food you guys buy. Asking him to take a little walk with you maybe 2 times a week. re-engaing in each other in a different way, besides the way he looks or you look. if you really are un happy, i say dont do yourselves an injustice by staying married because of convience. Believe me, it's not worth it. Stop looking outside yourself for happiness. Focus on all the great things you love about your husband, and you will receive more of that. I wish you luck....

Hey Melinda
You are married, you took vows. He gave you the gift of two little girls. He loves them and you. Have some respect for the man who makes it possible for you to stay home and raise them. It is very selfish of you to even consider leaving because he is not your "soulmate". Imagine whatever you have to get through the night. Statistically you will be unhappier if you divorce than if you stay and make your marriage work.

If you love your daughters and I am sure you do. The best thing you can do is love their dad. If you leave you will be subjecting them to any men you bring into your life and any women (and all their baggage) your husband brings into his. You will have no control of what happens when they are with him. Think about that, turn on the news and see the things that divorce creates for defenseless little children. The day you gave birth was the day you needed to put your needs and wants behind the needs and rights of your precious children.

I too am married to a great guy who doesn't take such great care of himself. He actually took up smoking in his 30's and he is more passionate about fishing than me. I am sure there are things he'd like to change about me too. But I get to be with my kids and he loves me. We have a wonderful home and community, I consider myself an extremely lucky woman.

Good Luck. Hang in there. You have the power to create a happy life for you, your girls and your man.

Your husband may be depressed. Thats what happend with my husband. He stopped showering always wore the same clothes. Who wants to touch that right. Talk to him and find out what the root of the problem may be. And have him talk to his Dr. He may need to be on meds. As for you and the ex. Hello theres a reason why he an ex. Remember theres no future in the past.

Holly cow -- did you write this for me?? I feel exactly the same way. I feel no attraction whatsoever for my husband. He's a good guy, attractive (he's got a belly but has lost weight and believe me, it didn't really make a difference). We have alot of respect for each other and strong feelings of friendship. But I don't feel anything else. And I've waited for seven years, tried hard in therapy, couples therapy etc. to make internal changes that might allow me to feel differently. Still nothing. I honestly don't know what the answer is, if the there really is something richer out there or if that's just a fantasy. Hope it helps to know you are not alone in this.

Hi Melinda,
I would like to recommend that you and your husband find something that you both like to do together other than eat. Try dating again even if it is only once a month as I know it can be expensive to go out. It sounds like you need to establish a deeper relationship beyond a friendship. There are some great resources that I think could be of great help to you also. One is a book called "Love life for every married couple" by dr. Ed Wheat.
Another thing is going to a web site Family Life Today with Dennis and Barbara Reiny. Through that site they offer conferences call A week end to remember. They are awesome weekends for couples, well worth every dime spent.
As for reconnecting with your ex, forget it. There is a reason he is your ex and why rip your family apart for something like sex. By the way, I think you can learn to have a rocking sex life with your husband when you can overcome some hurdles.
M. - married 27 years and have been through a few things!

Firstoff DO NOT tell him that you are not attracted to him. If you can't get him to take better care of him self on his own, just do not have junk food in the house, or hide it LOL.
He must sense something is wrong in the bed room. You can't fake passion very easily.

As for your ex..... you did divorse him and there must be a reason you did that.

Make a list of all the good points and bad points of each man. Then just look at the lists objectivly and ponder it for at least a week. Make real sure that you do not let him find it!!!!!!

I have many more thoughts on this, but it concerns me that you are thinking of your ex. I wanted to suggest a start for now. I will sleep on it and give you much better advice tomorrow. I have a few interesting ideas, but I am just too tired to think right now. I will post again tomorrow.

Remember just think at this point do not act on anything right now. I think that would be a mistake.

BTW fantasy is a wonderful thing as a sexual stimulate, but not a cure for lack of passion. Just food for thought.

Melinda,
Thoughts of contacting your ex, finding another soul mate, dreaming of another during sex...they are already killing your marriage. No, you shouldn't do any of the above. Your husband probably already "feels" how you see him. Please, this can be turned around.
Make a list of all the things you really like about him. I'm sure you'll find there is more than you realize. Every day begin going over the list and be thankful for him. Men like to be respected and honored by their wife.You said you are a stay at home mom...how does the house look when he comes home..what about the kids...and especially, what about yourself. These things can make a big difference. We can either keep our eyes on the negative and make things worse, or keep our eyes on the possitive and do everything we can to make things better. I've been there. L.

Go to couple's therapy pronto! It sounds like you are in danger of finding someone who does take better care of himself or your husband may just find someone who is ready, willing and able to give him more sex!!!

I don't think that's a question anyone can answer but you. But speaking from personal experience, after my 7th year of the first marriage I was totally turned off by my husband, even his breathing annoyed me. At the time our son was just under 2, and all I wanted to do was run away. We eventually separated and divorced and I personally couldn't be happier today. However, if you love your husband, but just want him to be healthier then you should try to work at it. Marriage isn't a walk in the park, but I personally don't think it's worth giving up on because of a gut or eating habits. Those could be changed. However, if you're simply unhappy talk to your husband about it before seeking romance elsewhere. And if you choose too anyway, make sure you can live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

Hi Melinda -

My husband is also a large man and I guess I dont see a problem with that as long as I love him. If you love your husband, you really overlook those type of things. It is a concern that your thinking of leaving your husband for someone else because of physical appearance. I disagree with the other advice, you need to talk with your husband. Honesty is the best, it will open your relationship and make it better, if done in the correct loving way.

My suggestion, see a counselor. They will help you talk in a non-threatening way to get your feelings out. If money is an issue, talk with a local pastor. If you (in a loving way) tell him that his appearance takes away from your attraction physically, but make sure you are very positive about how you feel on other aspects, good husband, father, loving, (I dont think I would mention good provider) then he is aware of why there is distance in your relationship. Be positive, then talk about your concern for his appearance, health, attraction.

As I started to lose weight myself and exercise more, so did my husband and he lost over 40 lbs and looks great. Plan some family activities outside, walking in the park with the kids, walk after dinner while the kids ride bikes etc. Its a great way to incorporate exercise as a family and start to live a healthier life.

Before you give up, talk with him! I have to say, if your thinking of going back to someone else, you wont put the effort into this relationship. Been there myself, once I decided this was the committment I made and I had to make it work, and talked to my husband about why I wasnt happy things got much easier and now are fantastic!

Good Luck.

Hi Melinda,
I'm sure everything I'd say has already been said in other responses. The only thing I definitely feel I must say is DO NOT call your ex. You owe it to your husband, your children, and YOURSELF to figure out what's going on in your life without the interference/input of an ex. I wish you well, and hope you can find what you're looking for.

I don't know what kind of advice to really give you except that it is a decision you will have to live with forever. You are not just affecting you and your husband, but also the children. One of my best friends and my lil sister both ended their marriages for similar reasons, both husbands were devastated and extremely hard to deal with but I think in the long run both women are happier( one is in a relationship, one is not). I wouldn't call your ex...he's not the issue...every relationship is different. I would speak to your husband with your concerns about his lifestyle and see if you can work on it together...if the stuff isn't in the house, he can't chose it....although being a diet coke addict myself, I don't know how he'll deal with that...but you can try. Nobody can tell you to stay or to go because you are responsible for your actions but I think passion is fleeting...comes and goes...or it wouldn't be passion it would be a norm, I have been with my husband for 9 and 1/2 years and sometimes are better than others. You can voice your thoughts and concerns with your husband w/o being cruel. Best of luck with your decision.

Hi Melinda, I do feel for you. It is very difficult not having passion in a relationship. It is one of the things I think all humans need... Having children, however puts you in a difficult place because its just not about you anymore, it is about your children...how is he as a father? How is your family life? Does he treat you well? Is he loyal? Does he provide for your family? Remember, it is a huge step to leave your husband. Your whole life, and the life of your children will be changed forever. And the grass may not be greener with someone else...you may find the passion you are looking for but there may be other issues...I would not dream of telling you what to do, but think about it real hard before you open a can of worms. Maybe speak to a therapist for some professional insight. Everyone loves the idea of finding a soul-mate...sounds terrific to find that ONE person who is just it!! But it isn't always reality....single? Fine, go ahead and look...But married..with children...you really need to think about how it will affect them first. Good luck with everthing!!

Melinda
One thing I've learned over the years is....don't settle. What you're talking about in these few words, is settling. For whatever reasons you had to marry this man, they no longer apply and time has made you realize this. You cannot be married to someone you are not attracted to. Attraction and love go hand in hand, because these 2 things are what soften you when you get mad at him or he does things you don't like. If you have no emotions for this man, this is not fair to him or to you and in time this will only get worse. You sound like you've had it and it sounds like he isn't going to change and in time, this may fester, build resentment and this will not be a healthy environment in which to raise 2 girls. Especially 2 girls. Children pick up on the slightest emotional shift. I think you have to take a step back and truly look at your marriage and make a decision for yourself. Remember, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". As for your ex, if there are feelings there, explore them...BUT....only after you have closed the door on the life with your husband. You cannot begin a new chapter of your life without finishing the one before. Don't try to play it safe and go from one man to the next. Perhaps upon closing the chapter with your husband, you might want to spend some time on your own and discover yourself and all your possibilites. I know this may be a very hard decision to make but you need to do the right thing for yourself because you are the one that has to wake up every morning to yourself. I wish you all the luck!

Hi Melinda-
Do Not look up your Ex!!! He is your Ex for a REASON! I have been down that road. You should talk to your husband, but if you feel bad about hurting his feelings, maybe you should suggest working out together. He Can improve his body if he wants to. If he won't, then you will have to be straight with him. You deserve to be happy in your marriage in all aspects, but turning to an ex usually doesn't work out the way you planned. My Mother always told me that when the passion dies down in your marriage (it always does, but shouldn't be non existant)that it is very important that you LIKE the person you are married to. When the kids are all grown up and it's just the 2 of you, that is important. Have you EVER been attracted to him? It's a tough situation to be in, especially that you have kids w/ him. Bottom line is YOU have to be happy too. Is he willing to do what is neccesary? Last resort I'd go to a counselor to lay it all on the line and see what happens. You'd be surprised how a man can change if he thinks he will lose his family.
Good luck!!

I would say that if your thinking about calling an ex your not only not attracted to your husband your not in love with him either. Your not perfect and you shouldn't expect your husband to be. You have to talk about the things that bother you or no one knows what the other person is thinking or feeling.how would you feel if he told you he wasn't attracted to you anymore because you gained weight after the baby? Life is never perfect. Don't give up on a good thing because of a little glitch in the works. Talk to each other openly and honestly if you want things to work. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. There were reasons why your ex is your ex think about that.

Unless you want your marriage to end right now, do not tell him that you are not physically attracted to him because he will never look at you the same way again or feel the same way about you either. He will feel totally rejected and hurt. Why make him miserable if you intend to continue with him for the long term; eitiher learn to tolerate the situation or change it. If you feel that there may be more to life for you with another man, bite the bullet and do it now while you are still young enough, but give yourself a chance to be on your own without a man at least for a year before you jump into something else because you are lonely.
Also, it is not fair to him that he be in a passionless marriage. Perhaps,can make a new life for himself now, but later on it won't be as easy. Although, men usually don't have a problem meeting other woman, even the men who don't look like Brad Pitt and have beer bellies, etc. you have to give him a fair chance to move on, as well.

My friend's daughter who is 45 has been married to a man that she has no passion for for 18 years. He is a wonderful husband and father and her best friend, but there is no sexual excitement for her and she is very unhappy and wants to leave, but cannot work up the courage to tell her sons, 17 and 14 why she doesn't want to remain married to their dad.
She never had any passion for him, and was advised not to marry him just because he was dependable,loyal,of very good character, and kind and respectful. However, she saw in him what she never saw in her father who has been divorced from her mother since she was 7 (it was her mother's choice), and, therefore, she opted for a man who would be there for her always, someone she could count on even though he was never a turn-on for her. And, she has always been missing something and now fervently yearns for it

She is really miserable and was set to leave their home but he recently lost his job and she feels she cannot abandon him now. He used to be very patient with her, but now that he realizes how she feels about him sexually, he is very bitter and can be unkind to her. He is frustrated and she is always crying. Their kids would have adjusted if she made the break years ago, so maybe this will give you the incentive to make a decision that will influence the rest of your life.

Nobody expects that you will go from this passionless marriage to a wonderful man who will excite you and love you and fulfill all your dreams, however, you deserve to have a good life and you should make up your mind as to what will be best for you and follow through.

Good luck. Grandma In Westchester

My best friend's daughter who is 45 and has been married for 18 years has felt this way about her husband since before they married. She didn't listen to advice, to not marry and married him because he was reliable, dependable, loyal, treated her well and she knew he would be a good father. This has not made her happy and she has wanted to leave the marriage for many years now, but has never worked up the courage to do so. It's always one excuse or the other. Her husband knows how she feels about him, and, of course, she told him, "there's nothing wrong with you, it's me...I have a problem." At first he believed that she was tired, not in the mood, etc., and he was very patient. He bent over backwards to please her (not in bed, in other ways), and the more he tried, the more turned-off she became. Now that he knows that she would like to move out of their home with their 2 boys who are 17 and 14, he has become very bitter and she cries all the time because she craves the passion that is lacking in her marriage. They have tried couples counselling to no avail.

I think it's better to make the change now, if you think you'll never be able to feel differently about him. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to make the break. No matter when you do it it will be hard on your girls but children do adjust.

Good luck to you.

I felt compelled to reach out to you and let you know that I don't think it's a wise idea to reach out to your ex. You are a married woman with 2 children. You are a part of a family. If you love your husband, and your family you will find a way to tell him you need him to take better care of himself. I'm in the exact same situation accept I don't have any desire to rekindle any former relationships. I am determined to work on my marriage for me, my husband and our children. Marriage is for better or worse. We just have to learn to deal with the challenges in the relationship.

Ok M.,

Where should I start, I was in a the same situation as you about 3yrs ago and every now and then I feel that I'm not attracted to him but in the end I think of all the positive and that always outways the negative. What I started to do in my situation was be spontaneous and be more active. I started taking care of myself first and he followed. I'm not the perfect person either but I realized that if I don't do something about my husband that I want someone else will and I didn't want to loose him over something foolish. Do not call your ex, that is so wrong. Put yourself out of the picture and imagine if your husband felt the same way you do. You wouldn't want to be hurt either. Think about it and contribute to his change positively.

Dear melinda,I really feel for you because I was in a similar but not same situation.I had lost touch with the love of my life and was in a relationship with a guy who was good to me but had his fair share of issues too and i was not attracted to him and did not love him ,praise God my lost love and I found each other and married.Your situation is different in that you are married and have children.Renegotiate your relationship and have a heart to heart with your spouse.Be careful about how you approach the issue,you dont want to make him feel rejected by what you say,tell him you want to improve your relationship and sex life and that its all part of you opening a new page in life afterall you only live once and you need to live well.Working on your relationship will be hard but its the best for your whole family and there is hope.I will be praying for you.

Dear Melinda,
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been married for 26 years and have 2 children, ages 24 and 21. At times during our marriage when the kids were growing up,I felt exactly as you do now. Then I had a revelation and decided to accept him for exactly who he is, and the way he is. I quit trying to change his eating habits, I accepted the fact that he enjoys the work he does and stopped pushing him to be more of a businessman, and I restrained from giving advice on raising the children. At first, the changes happened slowly - then snowballed. He began eating better and lost weight, he got a great job and loves it, and he became more interested in me, mywants and needs - including sex. We are once again the best of friends and enjoying our time together more than ever.
Last year I was skiing with an ex-coworker who is much younger than me. She confided that she was considering divorce because she felt her husband was lazy, disinterested in finding a job, and had little interest in life. I gave her the same advice and they became happier than ever. They are now expecting their first child next month and are ectatic.
Nobody is perfect and no marriage is total bliss. It will never be what you see in the movies. Love, enjoy, and accept the man you are with and you will find happiness.

Maybe try therapy? A professional opinion might be helpful and they could give you some good suggestions. You could bring your husband and talk in a neutral environment abnout his "not taking care or himself" and other issues you may have. I would try to make a fair shot at the marriage and do everything possible before contacting that ex, especially since your husband sounds like a really decent person and is your friend above all.

As I see it, you can't act and live for yourself once you bring children into the picture. If you were to pursue someone else, you may find a new husband, but you are forcing the children to lose their Dad on a full time basis. Totally not fair to them... innocents in the whole situation. The physical passion you may feel with your ex will also feel "old" over time and then what do you do? Keep looking? If you have a good man who provides for you and cares and respects you consider yourself blessed! I would put my desires on the shelf until my kids were old enough not to be caught up in a joint custody arrangement. Although that time seems far off, it will happen and then you can pursue your own desires without it affecting their young, formative years. I wouldn't be saying any of this if your said your husband was an abuser, a cheater or unreliable financially. He sounds like a nice guy. What would you feel like if someone felt that way about you???
Would you drop all your bad habits and become what they want you to be? I don't think so. Look past his outer shell and know how lucky you are to be able to call your husband a friend!

Wow. Yikes. No, I wouldn't tell him you weren't attracted to him, but I WOULD tell him you'd be more inclined to be more sexual with him if he shaped up and lost weight. THAT should motivate him. Most men love sex and will do what is necessary to get some. Don't lie..the headache,too tired stuff..he can tell, on some level, that it isn't true.
Also, if you are thinking of contacting the ex boyfriend, you can bet your bottom dollar that your husband is also thinking about having an affair. Is that what you want? Do you want him in someone else's arms and to possibly leave you for her? Before that happens, I would tell him you'd love for him to change his diet, lose weight and exercise. Good luck

Hi Melinds, just wanted to share a few things with you. I am 49 with four daughter 27, 25, 23, and 17. I also have six grand children with #7 due in 4 weeks. I have been married twice and separated from my second husband for 8 years. What I have learned over the years is that marrage is a committment. If you do not intend to stick it out don't committee. My first husband cheated alot and my second did nothing, I did everything. You have a man that loves you and your children, provides, is attentive and is there. She has faults and so do you. As a matter of fact, we all have faults. Now, I do not think that being overweight is something to leave your husband for. That could be worked out, and please do not hurt his feelings. Why don't you two take walks together and talk. That could rekindle the spark, start cooking healthier meals gradually, he does not have to notice. Leave some articles laying around casually, may be he will read it. Talk to him about the consequences of being overweight in a loving way and how it would impact the family if something was to happen to him. And most of all LOVE HIM TO DEATH. Stop thinking about you and think about how he may be feeling.
With respect and best wishes

M., first I would like to respond to a couple of things you spoke about. You stated you never had any "passion" for your husband yet you married him despite this because after all he treated you well and you were friends. Yet, your ex you were passionate for and yet he is your ex. One of the biggest problems in our society is that we, for the most part, get married for all the wrong reasons. The first usually being that though we think we may be in love, we are in fact, just in lust with the person and when all the other things that are missing rear their ugly head we call it quits because "passion" can only last for so long when the other REALLY IMPORTANT things are lacking. We swear ourselves to a covenant which means to "bind oneself" to something but when things go wrong we want to rewrite the contract. Truth is M. if you don't work it out with Mr. "Right" then more than likely you will just bring in a different set of standards,expectations to the next marriage. One of the most selfish things we do as spouses is to expect our spouse to meet every one of our needs and then are dissappointed when they don't. Shame on us for putting such a demanding task that simply no one can live up to. You say you don't want to say anything because you may end up hurting his feelings. M., you already are hurting his feelings and the headache excuse only goes so far. Men, despite the image we receive from the media, aren't idiots. It's not hard to figure out why our mates may not want to sleep with us. So, you can either leave, disgrunted and hurt that yet another relationship didn't work out or you can first begin by accepting that you married this man despite his faults. Once you do that you will find it easier to see him for who he really is. Now, saying that though we as spouses, despite any outward evidence of, do in fact, WANT our spouse to be proud of the fact that they married us. I can tell you that like most other relationships yours is lacking a fundemental, yet absolutely critical element to succeed; COMMUNICATION! My suggestion to you is, first, if you believe in the power of prayer, to start praying that God change YOUR heart. That He give you the ability to look at your husband in a different, refreshing light. Next, I would sit him down and in a TRUE spirit of love tell him how you feel about his desire to not look his best for not only you, but himself. Tell him that you like to take care of yourself (I'm assuming you do this otherwise you'd be a hypocrite)not only to make yourself feel good, but to look good for him. So that he can be proud when he walks down the street with you on his arm. Tell him you NEED him to be around for a long time, not only for you, but his daughters as well, and if he continues on the path he is, that more than likely won't happen. Tell him you love him so much that you want to see him be the best he can be. Let him know that your desire is to grow old with him but the only way to do that is by living healthy. Let him know that you don't want to let anything come in between you that can wreck the great life you can have together. Then M. you must be the one to take the first move foward. IF we spend all our time waiting for someone to make the first move then no one will ever move. Make love to your husband, tell him how much you desire him, he needs to hear that. If we, no matter which spouse, feel our partner doesn't want to be with us why on earth should we care about ourselves? True love takes time, marriage takes hard work. Think about like a stock portfolio. If you just manage your stocks every quarter you WILL go broke; if you manage them on just a monthly basis you may make a few bucks but you will never experience the true wealth you would realize if you worked that portfolio faithfully, every day! You can also explain to him the difference between being romantic and just doing romance. I wrote a book called Romancing on the Rock and as I explain to men they can think about it like a Thanksgiving dinner, do you just come to the table(ie. bedroom) expecting a great meal, or do you begin first thing in the morning nurturing, preparing and putting all the right ingredients together so that in the end (or end of the day), when you come to the table you all enjoy a meal that was prepared in love from the beginning. Any man can be romantic with a candlelight dinner and some roses, the difference between being romantic and "DOING" romance is to have romance flow through your veins like the very life that your bloods supplies. If a man realizes that romance begins from the moment they open their eyes in how they treat their wife, how they make her feel all during the day by helping out around the house and putting her needs ahead of their own, doing things for her that even though we may not like them she does, then at the end of the day the passion isn't about having sex, but making love to the most important person in your life; after all love has nothing to do with sex, but sex has something to do with love. Be blessed M. and open your heart in a loving manner, it sounds like you have a man who adores and loves you, He just needs some "coaching" (not training, we aren't dogs), in what makes you feel good and what is in your heart. Be blessed!

Your feelings are real, and normal- I wanted to start by saying that b/c there can be some stigma we give ourselves and society gives us for such feelings. And it doesn't mean that you don't love your husband, and it doesn't mean that you do love your ex-es. But it is clearly a love need of yours and that's okay- what's not "okay" (or healthy in the long run) is to take matters into your own hands and handle it in a way that dishonors your marital vows or your own sense of self. You say you're afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him, but being unhappy in the sexual part of the marriage and/or being vulnerable to cheating most certainly hurts and will hurt his feelings more. I feel a little rushed to finish this message b/c it's so long already, but do try and get some more input on how to go about being open with him in a way that is still loving and respectful. Also, I highly reccommend looking into a marriage class called "Dynamic Marriage: How to have an Affair proof marriage." It taught us a great deal and really served as a tool to strengthen our marriage.

1st of all (not very important) the diet cola isn't good for him at all. he's better off drinking regular cola than the diet, watching lots of dr. oz has taught me that...he said that the diet cola really isn't great because of the change in sweeteners, it's better for a diabetic to drink because they use the right sugar for them, but not for someone trying to lose weight because it hinders the weight-loss by stopping something in your body from getting rid of whatever it is you need to to lose the weight.

as for being in a relationship without being attracted to someone, that is very hard, but you have to talk to him. you really can't tell him that you're not attracted to him because of his weight because as you said, it will hurt his feelings. a couple yrs ago my husband had told me that he had "issues" about my weight and THAT is why we weren't having much sex. that not only hurt my feelings, but pissed me off to no point being that i was 15-20 lbs LIGHTER then i was when he was chasing after me trying to get "in my pants" a few yrs before that! now i've fluctuated my weight since (also had a child) and am now 20 lbs heavier then i was when he said that to me, and he's constantly touching me, and trying to get me to have sex with him and i'm just not interested anymore. my issue is what he said about me back then, and i really have no interest in having sex with him, though i do crave it at times and TRY to have sex with him, but after 5 min am bored and disappointed and want it to just be over (it doesn't help that he just lays there and has NO expression on his face like he's not interested either!). our marriage isn't doing very well either, but we're trying hard to make it work. he has his fantasies, and i have mine, and neither seem to help our sex life, but we do love eachother.

as for talking to your ex...i have to say, IF you do, talk, but don't act on anything until you talk to your husband. cheating will do nothing but ruin your marriage. while you're not happy, you have to think of your husband at the same time. i've had my chances to cheat and even at the ONE moment that i really wanted to, i chose to keep my vows and do nothing. instead i tried to talk to my husband about the problems i was having, both in our marriage, and in my head about him. he did try, which i think is 1 of the reasons that he's constantly going after me for sex (unfortunately always at the wrong moments...i think he wants to 'spice it up' by trying in different places, and sometimes by some PDA which i'm against, at least infront of family and when my daughter is awake and/or around). but at least he's trying. maybe if you talk to your husband, and explain how he's let himself go a bit...maybe tell him that you want to try and get healthy for the kids BOTH of you...and go on a diet and/or exercise together....maybe that will get him to want to try and better himself and get you more attracted to him.

i'm not sure if any of my experience and/or suggestions will help you, but i wish you luck. you BOTH need to be happy for your marriage to work, and you BOTH need to be happy to keep the kids happy. "faking" happiness isn't going to do anyone any good, but i personally feel that you need to talk before doing.

How about some therapy to figure out where you are at. After having kids and being marrried for awhile we can loose sight on why we got married at all. Your focus changes. I guess what you must force yourself to think about is how would you feel if he wasn't in the picture - permanently! Choosing to focus on his weight and such just may be a symptom of something else you are not dealing with, and it might not have anything to do with him.
I am a mother of two young boys and have been married twice. In both relationships I have
had feelings of flight. I wanted independence and freedom from the routines of marriage. It is not that simple. Perhaps some therapy might help you to see what is really
hiding underneath the issue of his weight, etc.... Good Luck.

Sabbby

Hi Melinda.. while I totally understand the need for passion in our life, personally, I value companionship and loyalty above that because these are "long-term" assets. What I mean is, as we get older, friendship, someone who you can trust by your side and watch your children grow with..I think this is more important and so hard to find. My sister decided to get divorced after 10 yrs of marriage bc she was no longer attracted to her husband and felt he was more like a friend. She wanted to find passionate love. Now she regrets it immensely bc she can't a companion. I try to make her feel better bc she went after her dreams and at she would have never known.. but it's been so hard for her. I just think she didn't think clearly about her future before she took the leap. She is one of those people who don't do well alone.. she is only 42 and she doesn't have children. I think there is a good chance she will find a mate but it's been 3 years.. So think very carefully before you decide. On the other hand, I can see it must be very hard to not be in sync with your husband. Meaning, he wants sex but you don't.. you only do it bc he wants to.. We don't have a very active sexual life but we have the same level of interest on it.. I find my husband attractive but since we had children, we are just not into it as much.. so it's easier when you are both on the same page. Although it's a touchy subject, I'd try to talk to him about how his habits are affecting you and your relationship.. it's hard but it has to be done or you are going to feel stuck and that you are not doing anything about it. good luck!

SECURITY, SAFETY, THEN SEX If he is not hurting you and he is good to your girls you owe it to him and to them to try. Passion is not needed for a satisfying life and you have to work as a couple at it- If that means trying new things or changing your routines then get him on board so you are not bored. If you leave you expose yourself to that uncertainty , you may get passion but you may also end up the victim of so many other issues facing the dating arena today. You are a stay at home mom- is this what you wanted? Maybe you need some outside distraction. There is always the option of flirting and then bringing that excitement home, adultery is not an option, but seeing you are attractive to others might make you feel a bit more sexual and you can bring this home to your husband. As far as his weight can't you affect this in that you are probably the cook and grocery shopper? Push it to him as a health issue and use guilt if you have to- who is going to walk your girls down the aisle if he is gone due to his poor health? Do not make it about appearances or even yourself- Find his motivator. As far as the ex there was a reason he became an ex in the first place.

Gosh,

That's a tough situation. If you think he is worth it in all the other areas then it is time to sit down and tell him he needs to lose some weight and get with it, and that is hurting your side of the relationship. Maybe he will wake up and get to work.
As far as the ex goes, will he provide the other things your husband is providing right now? Because the passion/attraction wears off after some time in any relationship. I would also be sure to be ready to leave your husband if you are going to start checking in with your ex.

N.

Melinda,

Although I feel your pain, I don't think having an affair is the answer to your problems. It is common for one partner or both to lose interest after a few years. Heck, even if you got together with your ex, there would come a time when the sex would not be that exciting any more..not to mention, we all get older and wrinkly and things start sagging. You need to work on your marriage and that means going to therapy and discussing your issues. I bet if your husband thought he may lose you because of your feelings toward his bad habits he may take a long and serious look at himself and try to improve.

It is also very common to dream of ex's when your marriage is not going so great..we have all been there.

Hope you get in to some counseling and start talking.

Good luck!

L.

A little about me (we're actually in about the same place) - I've been married for nine years, amd also a stay-at-home mom and also have two little girls - almost 5 years old and almost 2 years old. Okay, about your husband - first of all, you have to have been attracted to him at some point, or you wouldn't have married him, right? Some advice that I got from a family therapist (an excellent one, I might add) was to try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place and focus on those things. Also, pick one thing, just one thing, that you do love about your husband right now, and focus on that. then focus on another and another. Express your appreciation to him for the good things about him, and start focusing on what is right about him instead of what's wrong. It also sounds like you guys have really let the romance fall to the wayside. Start going on dates together every week (time away from the kids is SO important) to focus on just the two of you. Choose a night to be your date night and take turns picking what to do, including having some other couples over to entertain once in a while. These are all things that can spark your romance. I know from experience that if you focus only on the negative, that's all you'll end up seeing at all. Marriages do have their dry spells - you get used to a person, or sometimes they let themselves go, like your husband did, but that's exactly when we need to spark up the old flame again. If you don't keep nurturing the relationship with your spouse (again, I speak from experience), the relationship will suffer and those feelings of love will dimmer down with time and everyday life. However, if you two start spending more time together as a couple and you start focusing on what's wonderful about him (even make a list, if that helps), he will become more attractive to you.
About him improving his appearance and health habits, I would definitely talk to him about it, but you're right to not tell him that you're unattracted to him - that would be so hurtful and unnecessary. I would more make it a health issue - that you want him to start taking better care of himself because you love him and you want him to be around for a long time and be a good example to his daughters of healthy living - and make sure it's not just about him - make the changes together!
Lastly, please don't contact your ex. When things are not awesome in your marriage, the grass always seems greener elsewhere. Focus you attention on fixing what you have. Not to mention the fact that divorce is an awful thing for all parties involved, especially the children. My husband came from a divorced family and he has never gotten over it. I think you do need to start being grateful for the fact that your husband loves you and takes care of you, because believe me, it could be a lot worse. My husband has had some serious addiction problems throughout our marriage, including a pornography addiction. There are much worse things in life than a husband who doesn't keep himself in tip top shape. I WISH that was my husband's only weak spot, and I know that there are plenty more women out there who would agree. My husband actually keeps himself very trim and is VERY attractive, but let me tell you, I could care less what he looks like when he's treating me badly, or ditching me to go get high, or looking at other naked women on the Internet (which I will never understand because I am like you, keep myself in very good shape and looking good). During those times, he is nothing but ugly to me, no matter what his body looks like. In the long run, what counts is what kind of man he is, and how he treats you, not his physical appearance. Anyways, I'll get off my soapbox. Don't tear your family apart because your marriage is going through a dry spell. If your husband loves you, takes care of you, is faithful, and makes you feel special, I'd say that you're a very lucky woman, and that you should hold on to what you've got! Good luck!

I think you owe it to your husband to talk to him about these things. Let him know how you feel, but be kind about it - no one ever likes to hear these sorts of things, and I'm sure it is umcomfortable for you as well - but if you don't talk about it, it sounds like there is no hope! Just remember, you can still get your point across without sounding outright mean. There is obviously a reason you married him and had children with him - there must be something worth fighting for!

YOU HAVE JUST AS MUCH RESPONSIBILITY IN MAKING THE RELATIONSHIP WORK AS HE DOES, and if you aren't honest about the issues or about how you are feeling, then you aren't being fair to him OR to yourself. Be honest with him, and see what happens. He may not realize that these things are as much of an issue for you as they are. If necessary, perhaps you could find a relationship counselor/therapist that can help you.

Finding passion in a long term relationship takes effort. It's NOT the same 10 years later as it was when you first got together. That's why open, honest (but not mean or hurtful) communication is so important. Looking to an ex might fan some flames in the short term, but I'm sure there is a reason he's your ex. Just remember, the grass isn't always greener.

I think it's worth doing everything in your power to try to make it work. You'll either end up happier because you will be addressing (and hopefully mending!) the issues in your relationship, or at the very least, you'll know you did everything you could to save the relationship and it just didn't work.

Hi Melinda,

I read through your post and the responses you received, and noticed that this point was not addressed, so I'll go ahead and bring it up. If you are on birth control, that may have something to do with your sex drive. All forms of hormonal bc can have side effects that we might not even attribute to the drug, but to our current situations instead. Just something to think about.

I think the fleeting thoughts of passion with someone else are completely normal, since the lack of passion in your current relationship are what's on your mind. It's just what you do about those thoughts that will make or break your marriage.

I went through something similar with my husband before we were engaged. I wanted to "take a break" from our relationship (We'd been together for 4 1/2 years at that point). It was the worst decision I've ever made. I moved out, and realized as soon as I did, that it was the wrong move. Unfortunately, I got myself in too deep with my decision and was forced to live with it for about 2 months. I struggled to maintain some sort of positive contact with him during that time, and was VERY fortunate that we were able to reconcile and mend our relationship when those 2 months were over. I hurt him in a way that I can never forgive myself for by walking out instead of working it out when I was feeling troubled.

My husband and I are soon approaching our 4 year anniversary, and aside from our 2 month "break", we've been together for 10 years. I can't tell you how thankful I am for being married to someone who is so willing to work through and talk about whatever struggles we face (individually & as a couple/family). Not everyone can be so lucky...

He's your husband. However hurt he might be from a conversation about your feelings is nothing compared to the hurt he will feel if you walk out on him - especially if you don't talk about it at all. Just think of how you would feel if the tables were turned.

Best of luck to all of you!
S.

Not to be blunt, but I usually am. What you have described is someone, the father of your children who takes care of your family. Makes it possible to stay home with your children and loves you. It seems to me a bit selfish that you don’t want someone else to take care of. You must be kidding; I think you owe it to your children and the man that provides for your family to encourage him to become a healthier human being. Maybe if he lost weight, and became physically active you would be more attracted to him. As far as contacted your old boyfriend, big mistake, from what YOU said about your husband, you owe him better than that.

First of all Melinda your ex is an ex for a reason!!!! So I wouldn't even go there. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband, but being physical attracted to someone is important, especially when it comes to sex!!! At least I think so. You do not say what physical condition he was in when you married him. If he has put on a lot of weight in your 8 years, and you are becoming turned off by him, then you need to sit him down and tell him that. Ask him if he would be attracted to you if you had put on as much weight as he has in the past 8 years. Have you kept yourself in good shape for him??? As you get older your body certainly changes, and not for the better I'm afraid, but if you are 34 then I have to assume he is around the same age and he is way to young to be totally out of shape. Also, you will have to be the one to see that he eats healthy. If you do the shopping and cooking you can control that. You can find a man with plenty of passion, but sometimes they do not treat you very well. I understand we want it all, a good man, passion and great sex!!! I think you need to sit down with him and talk it over. If you hold it to yourself then you will really begin to resent him and will end up going outside of your marriage to get the passion that you so want. If he is a good guy, he will understand. If you love him than you can get it back. And before you end a relationship, keep in mind that you have two young children. Good Luck

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time and personal struggle.
There are a lot of issues here, none of which I am qualified to give advice on, however, a marriage counselor is. A marriage counselor will help you to work on your marriage, if that's what you want. In order to come to a decision, have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself? It would be easy for me to say "you should do this" or "you shouldn't do that", but a therapist would help you clarify your thoughts and help you put all of this in perspective to make the best decision for you and your family.

I'm sorry if you are looking for a different answer. I hope this gave you some help. Take care!

Hi Melinda, I'm so sorry you're at such a cross road. I don't think you're being selfish for what you're asking, and I'm actually offended at some of the responses you've received. Who's to say passion is not important!!! with that being said, I think with some work you can light the passion in your marriage. You have two kids, and leaving will have a huge impact on them. Remember your ex is your ex for a reason, so forget that idea. Plus you'll be doing yourself a disservice by judging something just on the passion scale.
Try marriage therapy; maybe go by yourself first to talk about your feelings alone. This way the therapist will be able to introduce them as a couple with some filtering. I want you to have passion in your life, and I want you to have it with everything else that your husband provides for you and not instead of it. There are no guarantees out there, you may or may not find someone that can give you all that is important. It is a huge risk. Consider every option before thinking of leaving. It is hard to be a a single mother, and you may not have anytime for passion. Please seek some therapy. Good luck to you

Hhhhmm wow - I admire your honesty.....

I'm not quite sure what to tell you to do but I can make some suggestions based on my own experience. DON'T leave your husband. Try to make things more exciting.... From my experience in also "longing" for a passionate relationship - no matter who it is to start and no matter how passionate it IS to begin with....that part always fades. (And you'll just be in the same boat that you're in now w/ the new guy).

So you should stick it out w/ the good guy that you have now. ESPECIALLY for your kids.....wait til they're grown up at least before you even contemplate leaving him for a more romantic / passionate relationship.

Trust me I KNOW what you going through....but I think you have to understand that even though the grass LOOKS greener on the other side - it never stays that way. Stick it out and try to make the best of what you have.

Wow! You're going through a lot right now. Don't give up yet. I am a true believer that you can't change someone unless THEY want to change, but I also believe that you can help guide someone toward a better self. About 2 years ago, I read You: On a Diet by Dr. Oz. I started changing my diet and I told my husband (then 215 lbs.) that we were going to start eating differently (I do the cooking and I was only going to cook one meal a night). I threw out all of the "No" food (anything that had sugar, high fructose corn syrup, or enriched flour in the first 5 ingredients). I also used The Biggest Loser cookbook for dinner meal ideas. After about 5 months we had both lost weight and we weren't even exercising yet. My husband started really liking how he felt and how he looked and we both started working out. He is down to 177 lbs. (he's 6' 3" tall) and looks great. Now he's training to complete a 1/2 marathon! He runs every day. Me....well I'm 7 months pregnant so I'm not looking so slim these days. So, my husband didn't really expect to change, but did once he started seeing results. Don't kid yourself about weight though. When my husband lost the weight, I thought he looked great, but it didn't turn me into a sex machine. I didn't suddenly want to jump his bones any more than usual. Your issues with sex are way more psychological...than visual. Changing the outside won't necessarily change how you feel on the inside. However, something's gotta change with you guys. You HAVE to start talking. You have gotta get out your feelings FOR REAL and HONESTLY and give your husband a chance. Try to find an activity you can do together. Something to start that connection over again.

M.,

I have so many single and divorced friends in their 30s who are having an impossible time finding decent men to date. The situation for you will be only harder since you have children.
You will have to go out and work and between work and your children you'll have little time to date.
Think about these points: - what are the chances of another man loving and caring for your children as much as your current husband does? - What are the chances of you being able to stay home with your kids if you divorce? - What are the chances of passion staying alive long-term with any new partner? - What are the chances of a new partner not having things that irk the hell out of you? - Second marriages have a 70% divorce rate. Are you willing to take that chance?
I recently read this fantastic article.
I suggest you read it and come to your own conclusions.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/print/200803/single-marry

Best of luck!

I am sorry for your situation. It is not a pleasant one to be in. From reading your post it seems as though you were never in love with him. You say that the reasons you married him were because he treated you well, is a good man and is attracted to you. To me this is problematic. For me personally, I could not be married to someone who I was not in love with. Friendship love is not the same. There definitely are poeple who have marriages and relationships that are more of a friendship and that works for them. But it would not work for me and wouldn't be fulfilling. Your situation is a tough one due to the fact that you have children. I'm sure your husband senses that things are not on track for the two of you. And I'm sure that your children will begin to sense it too. Kids are very observant and pick up on a lot more than we think they do. That to me is an important factor to consider as well - the kind of relationship example you are setting for your two girls.

I think that counseling, maybe some individual counseling at first, would be a good idea. I think you have a lot of things that you need to give some serious thought to. If you were in love with him once, maybe you could find you way back to that point. You have a lot of things to weigh in this situation - your children, your husband, your happiness and if you are content with the way your life is. Only you can answer that question. Like some of the other posts say, there will always be times, especially when you have young children, when it seems like you are just working on getting through the day and everything else takes a back seat. But when that starts to be everyday, that's a problem. Everyday won't be fantastic but there should be some bright spots. You are the only person who can make this decision. I wish you all the best and hope that you find what is right for you.

You owe it to yourself and to him to be honest with him....give him a chance to understand your feelings about him...that might motivate him.....I found out the "grass isn't always greener on the other side".....it's true....be honest....get counseling.....you never know....he just might end up being the man of your dreams......

Melinda,
Here's my opinion with some questions - 1.DON'T go back to the ex - EX's are EX's for a reason - let him STAY the ex. 2. Do you or are you still in LOVE with your husband? 3. Are you willing to work things out with him?

If so, get yourself and him to a professional - a counselor. One that deals with marital and sexual issues.

I know this is easier said than done, however, maybe if you approach your husband with good reasoning - he maybe persuaded to go. You can simply explain that you think talking to someone on the outside looking in would be a good thing for your relationship.

You could also 'trick' him into getting in shape. You have 2 daughters - go for walks as a family. As far as the diet soda... if its not in the house... will he seek and find some? My hubby loves his chips and junk.. if I don't buy it.. he doesn't eat it.

If you are not willing to work it out - I would talk that over with him as well in as peaceful a manner as possible. Though I would still stay away from the ex. Again this is my opinion.

Hope all works out for the best for all of your family:)

Melinda...
Are you f---ing crazy???? Don't you think you owe it to yourself, your uninlightened husband, and your two girls to at least bring this topic to light before you entertain the idea of calling an X?????
Seriously????
How would you ever explain the end of your marriage to those girls??? "mommy didn't like conflict, so she bailed???"... nice life lesson there..
I don't mean to slam you so hard.. ok I guess I do.. You have a good man there who is lazy.. not bad..
1. bring this to his attention.
2. suggest you both workout together in some way (walks, skiing, bike riding, whatever)
3. If he knew how you felt, he may surprise you and be motiviated to change.. nobody wants to know their spouse doesen't find them attractive..
4. suggest couples counceling
5. do something to fix this situation
6. Don't bail!!
7. You won't find a "soul mate" anywhere! Let alone in your 30's with baggage.. sorry but thats what kids from a previous life are called in the dating world.. get used to it!
Just open up the lines of communication regarding this topic, you may find it is an easier fix than you thought. Anything is easier than breaking up a family, anything..
Good Luck!!!
Sincerely,
M. F

It sounds like this is a pretty big problem for you if you are thinking of other men. However, you clearly do have a loving, if not passionate relationship with your husband and from what my single friends tell me, being single is no great fun! I think that you can not keep this inside but you should not hurt him either--have you considered couples therapy? It sounds like you could benefit from some professional help. Best of luck.

Just know that you are not alone in this delemma.

Don't ruin your kids' lives. You're being selfish. Live for YOUR KIDS until they are adults, then get a divorce and have all the sexy partners you want.

Please read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You will find it very enlightening.

Were you EVER attracted to him? (I doubt you would've married someone that you had no attraction to whatsoever. ) if so, then try to think back to what attracted him to you. Relationships go up and down, and it's easy to be attracted to someone that you are having a fling with(or want to), but there is more to life than hot sex-there's love sex, and having a caring companion to raise children with, and go through life with, and honor your marriage vows to stick by each other through thick(weight issues-how would you feel if you got overweight so he thought about calling up people to see if it was worth it to leave you?) and thin. It sounds like you are extremely blessed with a nice guy to go through life with-that you have commited to being with- and I would'nt flippantly end a marriage just because you aren't as attracted to him as you used to be. I would work on ways to grow to be more attracted to him-do you go on a weekly date without the kids? A quarterly overnighter? I yearly week long trip without the kids? I would highly recommend all of these things(swap with friends and then watcht their kids-we do this), and see if you can't get a little passion back when you are continuely courting each other and not just companions in parenting and household duties.

Don't mean to sound preachy, but you asked for advice:)

the grass always seems greener on the other side.
You just have to remember why he is your X in the first place.
Did you ever try to get your husband to take walks with you? Sometimes it is easier to talk when you don'thave to look straight on at the person.Maybe you could get a part-time job or a hobby, something thats just for you. Could be you're just bored.It took me a long time to figure out life isn't always perfect. If you are really that sad maybe you should seek some couseling.
I hope I helped. Good Luck to you!

Please don't make the mistake of ending a marriage because of lack of passion. While your husband's not taking care of himself is probably contributing to your lack of physical attraction to him, moms quite commonly lose interest in sex because they are emotionally and/or physically worn out from dealing with their children. No matter how attractive someone is, you will get tired of that person eventually. Not that there aren't things you can do to keep the spark alive. Find things outside of the bedroom that you like to do together. Reguarly hire a babysitter or swap babysitting with a friend if you can. Focus on the good things about your husband instead of the negatives. Make a conscious effort to fall in love again. And try not to look at sex as a duty. Try turning out the lights and just cuddling naked. Maybe you could tell yourself, "once a week to thank him for being such a good provider and father, I'm going to do everything I can to give him a good time in bed." You may even find yourself getting excited.

Hi Melinda,

I think that everyone goes through what you’re going through to some degree. You must have been attracted to your husband when you first met…When we are with people for so long; we tend to have “dry spells” of physical attraction for whatever reasons. Hang in there! If he is a good, faithful man, a good provider and father…you’ve got a gem! You don’t want to do that to your children…(call your ex, leave him, etc.)they need their mom and dad together under the same roof, that’s the best thing for them. As moms, we must put our children first, no matter what! I think that getting yourself back in the mood will help. Set the stage for yourself…plan a “date night”, put on something pretty/enticing, pour some wine, light some candles and greet him! Once you get started, you’ll eventually get in the mood! It’s so important to your relationship! As for his unhealthy eating habits and weight…like it or not, most of us wives are destined to be our husbands mom’s in this area. Just tell him how much you love him and how handsome he is and that you want him to be around for a long, long time and eating better and getting exercise will help ensure that. I definitely wouldn’t mention the physical attraction aspect; it might hurt his feelings (just like it would hurt ours if the roles were reversed.) Keep encouraging him to eat better for your and the kids' sake; it’s worth the nagging! Good luck! A real good book to read is “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” or “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage,” both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’ve read them both and I highly recommend them.

melinda... sorry you are going through this.. i sometimes feel the same way.. what attracted me to my hubby was he treated me well and loves me... gave me a lot of attention.. when our children were born and currently, our focus has turned on them.. what you really need to do is to have time to yourselves... go out on dates and rekindle that flame.. it's so easy to put your marriage on the back burner but what makes a great family is your marriage... if in fact you are not in love with him after going out with him or maybe seeking couseling, then reevaluate things..
as for him being overweight- if it really bothers you- why don't you take the approach of getting fit with him, or join a gym together or just talk to him about it.. just some thoughts
good luck
J.

Melinda

This is a tough topic. If the tables were turned and you were the one feeling the same way as your husband what would you do? Like most women after having a few children, it seems that everything drops off. You know, sex, time to yourself, time with your partner, and that time that you used to have to reconnect. Have you tried to have your husband participate in some activities that you enjoy (walking, exercising, biking, rollerblading)? I am a mother of 2 as well (daughter who is 9 and a son who is 2), when we had our second child it seemed that my husband was the one that gained the sympathy weight. To date, he has more weight to lose than myself because of this. If you truly love your husband and the only thing that is holding you back from being happy with him, you should try to work these small kinks out. I know you don't want to feel like you are rasing another child, but men are like that anyway. Believe me I have enough friends that could tell you the same thing.

On the other note, do you think that you having these thoughts of your ex are what is really deterring you from having a wonderful marriage with your husband? Everyone fantasizes about what could have been or what I had before... But when it comes down to the true grit, he is your ex for a reason. Something there happened to make him your ex. And the reason you married on was for another. I think that you should not contact your ex and explore the possibilities. That is all they are, possibilities. You should think of your 2 daughters and show a good example. When things get tough you should try your best to work things out. If they don't get better on your own, then seek a professional to help you get passed whatever it is that is making this an uncomfortable situation. Only then, when you have exhausted all lines to a better marriage, and nothing works, you can say that you tried. THen and only them do you set the right example. What would you want your girls to do in the same situation?

Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Good luck to you in your endevours and I hope that this has shed some light on something that is a very difficult situation.

S. D.

I'd like to recommend a book that I think will help bring you clarity on your situation. Its called Loving What Is and the author is Byron Katie. I believe that in reading the book you'll be able to discover for yourself what the best path is for you. Best of luck to you!

Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time, I just wanted to add my 2 cents. Firstly, please don't call your ex. That will just add to the confusion. Figure out what you want etc. first... Please.
And secondly, one person responded that you need to live for your kids, get a divorce once they're grown. I don't agree. Kids are very, very intuitive and it's not good for them to grow up in an unhappy home. Also, my parents divorced just after my brother and I finished school, and it was VERY hard to deal with... as an adult you question it more, I think. It also made me look back at some of my childhood memories and question if they were real or not. If everything had just been a farce all along. I think it's tough on kids, but they do as they're told, they're resilient and they rebound. My brother had a very difficult time with the divorce, and we were done school.
Really think this through, get some counselling. It's a big decision, and good luck!

I am not sure what you should do, but dont stay with him just because he provides for you and he is the father of your kids...because by the time the kids go to college, they will have seen a loveless homelife and will carry that with them in their relationships. And most likely, the marriage would fail when the kids left home and then you will look back and think you wasted your entire life.
Dont contact the ex either. That will only bring out feelings that you DONT have for your husband and will cloud your judgement.

In my opinion, talk to him. Tell him that you arent as attracted to him as you used to be. Ask him what about you he is attracted to. Get a babysitter and go out on a date. Break away from the day to day rituals and see if there are some sparks there. You have nothing to lose my trying it, right?

Reality check...You are not going to have butterflies in your stomach atfer being married more than 7 years; hense, the term "the 7 year ich." There is way more to marriage than appearance. Everyone gets old and the body changes. Your hubby is probably tired when he gets home from work, so he's not going to want to lift weights or run a marathon. You might want to get a job to break up the monotony of the day and be on the same playing field as your hubby. As far as taking care of himself, as long as he has good hygene and isn't bossy, there shouldn't be much of a concern. The idea of attraction is all in your mind, so think about the times you do find him attractive. Maybe it's when he helps you with the dishes or plays with the kids.

All that aside, you are correct in being worried about your husband's weight problem in reguards to health rather than appearance. (Yes, fat men can be sexy.) If you cook healthy food and make healthy snacks, he will probably eat them. You might want to set up a family or husband& wife "play time." By "play time," I mean exercise time. Just don't call it exercise. Start off slowly by having evening walks together. Then turn them into hiking trips on the week end. Why not take the family out to play tennis together? You need to coax your huby into doing healthy things, so he doesn't view it as complaining or nagging.

i have the same problem really i do . as i was reading i was like that is the same way i feel and is going through .me and my husband has been married for 5 years and iam bored out of my mind. i think about actors all the time . I don't know what to do . If you get some good info plz send to me . Going through the same thing!!!!