To All Parents of Gentle Boys, Please Advise.

Kids that age don't see gender as rigid - they like what they like. Just let him be who he is.

As a girl who excelled at some things that were thought to be less feminine, I was always very conscious of how my gender affected peoples' perceptions of my abilities and how it could hinder me in the pursuit of a more male-oriented career. However, after having two boys (the oldest is six), I have become aware of how our society's expectations of a man has forced them into a role that may not be the best fit for them. If my daughter excels at math, then great! She's breaking gender barriers! Girl power, etc. and I am proud of her! But my son is afraid to wear pink, even though he likes it, I can't say a word about how he wanted a pretty Christmas dress like his sister when he was three or how he saved up his money to buy an Ariel doll. I have to tell him that it's okay to cry when he's sad but I can see that he still tries to hold it in. While I think we have a long way to go before we reach gender equality, I am saddened that boys too are struggling so hard. Maybe it's always been this way and I just wasn't aware but the best thing I can do for him is to try to make him understand that I love him as he is, not as he thinks he should be.

I think you're doing a wonderful job. I think you are showing him that he is loved and accepted in the home. I don't think the worry will ever go away and as for your "learned" prejudices, I think you're doing very well overcoming them.

As he grows up he may or may not be gay, but from what I've read he will be confident in whoever he becomes.

So long as home is always a safe place for him to be himself, the bullies and pain will just be a minor note in his life.

Your son sounds absolutely wonderful. Like a truly delightful little boy, and like he'll always be a wonderful person. And you sound like a loving (and very articulate) mom.

And, I have a few pieces of (supportive) advice. First of all (and I suspect you know this), you can't change your son's personality type. And you can't change his sexuality, whatever his sexuality turns out to be. What you have all the power in the world to change is how loved, accepted, and supported he feels at home. And that makes all the difference in the world. So, it's possible he'll be bullied, hurt, and ostracized -- and it's possible that none of this will happen: the world is changing quickly, with respect to bullying and with to sexual and gender expression. All you can do is have his back, no matter what. And this is especially important with gentle, sensitive people -- boys or girls. They tend to turn their hurt inwards, to blame and hate themselves. That gets pretty damn dangerous, around the teenage years.

In terms of how to deal with your family, I wonder if there's a Spanish-speaking chapter of PFLAG near where you live. Not because your son will definitely turn out to be gay -- the jury's completely out on that -- but because what you're dealing with involves entrenched attitudes toward LGBT people. And Spanish speaking not because your English isn't perfect -- it's flawless -- but because there, you might find people who are dealing with the exact same cultural dynamic, who can advise you because they've been in the exact same place themselves.

My 14 year old grandson was a lot like your LO when he was small, but he never put on a dress - probably because he didn't have one to put on. LOL! He too loved to play house with the girls and wanted to be the mom. But he's now 14 and ALL BOY. He's a very good student, is the Freshman Class Treasurer and has lots of friends.

Your son loves dresses - so does Coco Channel, and alot of other very famous and successful designers. If I were you, I would encourage the drawing and the fashion sense - you may very well be raising a fashion moguel!

Being gentle has absolutely no bearing on his sexuality.
I myself was a pretty rough and tumble girl - and absolute tom boy.
Our son went through a stage when he hesitated to join in.
He still has a 'wait and see' style of learning.
But he out grew his tendency to be timid at about 7 yrs old and is now pretty outgoing.
Don't worry about it!
He sounds absolutely fine to me!

My son never wore dresses, but he was pretty sensitive when he was little. He liked reading and building with Legos, was funny and kind, he liked cooking and animals, and was just overall a good boy. He was NEVER into team/contact sports, hated physical play (like wrestling) often preferred the company of girls and wasn't much into superheroes or trains/cars either. In many ways he wasn't "typical" but he grew into a happy, well rounded young man, and he always had plenty of friends. He played tennis and ran track in high school, and now he's got a long term girlfriend and is studying Computer Science at a great university.
Try not to worry over something that may never be a problem. There are many, many boys out there who are kind and gentle and funny. I know this because those are the kinds of boys my son was always friends with. Your son will find his "peeps" too I am sure :-)

Just because he's more in touch with his gentle side doesn't mean he's gay. Often children will relate more to one parent than the other - due to temperment, time, interests, etc. If he's interested in art and so is his dad - then he relates to a male role model. If he's athletic and so is mom he may relate more to her. If he's a hyper kid and can't sit still, or he's quiet and a thoughtful he will relate more to the parent he's like. He's relating now to his older sister becuase that's what he sees most. My son, who's always been interested in girls & considers himself a manly young man (he's 14) used to dress up when his sister would put him in a dress. I have photos of him with hair clips, jewlery, makeup & highheels. When he wanted a Barbie doll for Christmas around age 4 - Santa bought him a Barbie... My daughter had wanted a rescue hero when she was about the same age.

Don't worry about your son. Let him find the things he loves to do and then make sure he gets to see men doing those things - cooking, painting, writing, nursing, sewing, etc.

At age 5 there's no need to run to a GLT parent support group - I find a very strong bias in these group to determine that your child fits into their mold & nudge your child towards their preconceived notions. Let your child grow up and become who he will become.

Hello
I think this is a case where you have to some how let go of what others might think of your son. My son is also very sensitive, wears glasses, braces, chubby face and plays the accordion.......... to some, those are considered NERD traits.. :) to him, he is comfortable with who he is because we always tell him how great he is and how much we love him.
I should also note, he doesn't like modern music (prefers music by Lawrence Welk) ... ah the list goes on.. love geography, maps and politics.. although he does have friends at school, he definitely a stand out.. but he would have it no other way..
as long as you can nurture and love your son, despite what others say or do.. he will be just fine..

blessings to you and yours..

When my son was young, he was a lot like your son. He was very gentle, very articulate and could entertain himself for hours. He never wore dresses, but , like your son, never really liked rough-housing. He did martial arts for awhile, but disliked the combat. He did soccer for awhile, but when it got rough, be hated it. Now he is 14 and is an excellent student, athlete and friend. Recently he was the youngest competitor at an Olympic distance triathlon. He does volunteer work in his community, loves playing board games, and wants to go the medical school so that he can become a neurosurgeon. He loves to watch grisly crime shows and his room is a mess almost all the time, which is fairly normal for a teenager, I think. He is also gay. I am not trying to brag about my son (ok, maybe a little). I am trying to give you a glimpse of your possible future. I want you to see that being gay is just one part of who he is....it isn't WHO he is.

When my son was the age that your son is now, I did not suspect that he might be gay. As he got older there were a couple of moments when I thought he might be, but then he started liking a girl. Then I found out he was gay and I went through a lot of the emotions you are having right now. It is not easy, but I want you to know that your fears are normal. I still have moments when I worry, but then I see his smile and how happy he is and I am okay again. He is my son and I would not change anything about him.
No one can know (even your son) if he is gay at this point, but I think he might be. You sound like a wonderful mother; your husband sounds like a wonderful (and wise) father. You are all going to be okay. Take a look at what the Pope is saying. He will give you hope and peace. My son attends a Catholic school and he is fine. His teachers know and support him. HIs strongest advocate at school is a Hispanic young man. Times really are changing and this young generation does not have the same hang ups and prejudices, thank God. Bless you and yours.

The "problem" is, that the gender constraints you grew up with, are not, applicable to your own child and family.

This is your child.
And kids are kids.
They are not aware of any gender "rules."
They are so young.
I personally don't see anything wrong with your son.
He is being himself.
And that is good.
And, if he is happy, has friends, gets along with other socially and is fine, then fine.
And if others are nice to him, good.

Now, per "culture"... you said you were raised by a Hispanic Dad that was very 'macho.' But that is how your Dad, acted and his identity.
But, in many of the Hispanic cultures, it is actually Matriarchal.

Don't get hung up on how your Dad was. Versus, how your son, is.
And how their personalities, are not, the same.
They are 2 different people.
Of a different generation.
And they both have, different parenting.

I work at a school.
I also have a son.
And a daughter.
I know and see, MANY boys at the school I work at. Some tender and sensitive, some not at all.
Those things, do not make one boy less of a boy than the other.
Boys do NOT all have to be... rough and tumble and play football to be a "boy."
I raise my son... to be aware of his feelings. And he is. AND I teach him... to express his feelings. And he does. He is very articulate about it and KNOWS himself. Compared to other boys, who don't even know what feelings are.
My son, plays with my daughter's things. Especially when he was younger. So what.
My daughter plays with my son's things and plays "boy" things too. So what.
An individual... has MANY facets, to themselves.
And that is good.

If you want your son to feel good about himself, don't compare him.
TEACH him, to KNOW himself. To know, who he is.
I began teaching my kids that since they were toddlers.
Because, then, they can accept... themselves for who THEY are.
And my kids, do.
They have a strong sense of identity. Already.
And thus, they don't get too bothered by what others say or do... when/if other kids are mean.

Let your son, be.
And hopefully your Dad, does not... criticize him.

You... either raise your son, JUST like your Dad was.
Or, you raise your son, according to you own sense of being a Mom... and knowing your own child.
You can either be constrained as a Mom, by how your Dad was, or, you raise your son differently.
How your Dad was/is, is not the only way.

Your son is perfectly normal for who he is. First off you need to realized that being gay does not fit into a stereotype. There are feminine gay men, and feminine straight men, and there are also gay men that are athletic macho types.

Forcing gender stereotypes onto our children can do a world of harm to them, just keep supporting him and let him be who he is. If he feels loved and protected then IF (and that is a big if) he does turn out to be gay or what not he will not have to face all the fear and pain thinking he may be rejected, because he will know you will always love and support him no matter who he turns out to be.

I have two very gentle sons. We have always let them be who they are without worrying about it, and they are thriving. Our oldest will be 16 in a few weeks and is an exceptional writer. He is so much fun to talk to because of his intelligence and quick wit. He does extremely well in school and has lots of friends. He has never gotten into sports of any kind, but is quite fit. Nutrition and fitness has always interested him. He is kind and considerate, often putting the needs of others before his own.

Our youngest is more sensitive than his brother, and more compassionate as well. The boys are extremely close despite a 6.5 year age difference. Our youngest is 9. He loves to golf and swim, but doesn't care about any other sports. He also excels in school and is an avid reader. He has many friends as well, but prefers playing with them at school. He likes to hang out with family when he isn't in school. I figure that will change a bit over the next few years. He is very good with his blind, disabled grandfather who I help to care for. I am amazed by his patience and love for the elderly.

My point is that calm, gentle boys have many wonderful qualities and can be quite "normal" (there really is no "normal"). Just love your son and encourage him to be himself. Teach him to be comfortable in his own skin, and he will be fine. I teach high school, and the students who are confident enough to be themselves are the ones who truly thrive.

Good luck. Parenting can be so rewarding, but so hard.

My oldest son is 3 so he’s younger than yours. However, he loves dresses and hair bows and barrettes and clips and... Just this past weekend he desperately wanted a sparkly Minnie Mouse t-shirt for instance. My husband and I have learned a lot about ourselves on this journey called parenting. Specifically we have realized the deficiencies we grew up with, especially regarding gender and stereotypes. We both want to move past that for the sake of our children. My husband is Hispanic and has his own set of cultural issues which thankfully he is more than willing to discuss openly and work through. However, we are both surrounded by family and other conservative strangers who do not understand and will say something nasty. It’s a tough path to walk. We want our children to flourish as themselves but at these young ages we want protect them from the worst of it. Our children need a safe place to learn to be themselves and how to function in the world before mixing the two I think. As parents we don’t want our children to be subject to public rejection. We know it will happen but we’d like them to have the tools in place before it happens. Why let the rejection start at home from those who should love the children the most and in an unquestioning fashion?

As for the girlie inclination in our son, we roll with it and do not raise any eyebrows in front of him. Privately my husband and I discuss what's going on and how we feel and what we’re going to do/how we are going to react. My husband needs more reassurance than I do but there are times even I am uncertain and uncomfortable. There is a story my husband shared with me one time which crystallized the whole matter for both of us. Our son asked my husband to put a hair bow put in his hair and my husband unthinkingly made a snappy remark to our son about how bows are for girls. He said he watched our son's face crumple and he felt like the worst parent ever. He immediately backtracked and put that darn bow in our son's hair. He apologized to our son and comforted him. Our son is who he is and it's our job to help him be that person. The bows may be a phase or it may be something else. It doesn’t matter. He’s our son and we love him regardless. Full stop.

We are growing just as much as our children. Our children are not going to learn judgment from their family. In fact I have corrected my stepdaughter at times when she makes fun of my three year old. I tell her at 10 years old she needs to be nice to people and respect them for who they are. Also she needs to recognize so much of what my 3 year old son does is to emulate her.

Most nights my son wears his spider man pajamas with a red polka dot bow in his hair. He’s happy; we’re happy. Good luck and don’t overthink it too much.

Your son sounds like an absolute treasure. We need more people like this in our world and I pray that those born with a naturally sensitive and compassionate side will be nurtured so that their true nature can continue to inspire us all.

To answer your question, yes, you are over-worrying. Your son sounds like a wonderful, happy, healthy little boy. I do understand why you're concerned, especially given your upbringing, so please don't think I'm brushing you off.

It is very normal and common for boys to start liking girly things once they have little sisters. My son was 3.5 when my daughter was born. He started wearing a dress from the dress-up corner at school (he only went to school twice a week). He loved playing "mommy and daddy" and pretending to be a mommy OR a daddy with the baby dolls at class. At home, he wanted to nurse a doll since he saw me nursing.

Even today, he is 6.5 and my daughter is 3 and they were just playing with her Little People Princesses and princess castle together. he started playing with it while my daughter was still napping.

No part of me at all thinks that my son is gay, nor does anything you say about your son make me think yours is gay. My son also LOVES sports - he plays soccer every day at recess, is obsessed with baseball, and loves watching football, basketball, hockey or pretty much any other sport. He's not into bugs, but that is certainly a very typical boy thing to like at this age, so your son is totally normal in that regard too.

My son is really, really nice to his sister and loves playing with her. he is gentle, caring and loving (usually... she is the one that is mean to him most of the time).

Not only do I think that your son sounds happy, normal and well-adjusted, I also think that you are very lucky to have a boy who has a sensitive, sweet, caring side. He's not going to be bullied for the choices he's making now.

One last thing - there is a boy in my son's first grade class who has a pink backpack and often wears nail polish to school (usually in colors like orange and green). For their Thanksgiving show, he chose to make himself a female pilgram costume, rather than a male pilgram or an Indian. No one makes fun of him. They see his choices and recognize that they are different, but they don't tease him or think of them as wrong. At this age, they just see it as who he is.

Saw this the other day on Facebook. This is a guy's response to "man up".

The language is a bit coarse, but the message is amazing. It may help you help your son.

http://tinyurl.com/qa3orj7

I'm making it a tinyurl because the original, from upworthy, is about a mile long.