To Care or Not to Care?

my daughter is 10 and has ADD. She CANNOT help that she is not organized so you cannot punish her for that. Clean it all up and get rid of everything but the basics. Too much is a stimulus for her and isn't helping her. It doesn't matter if you know if the clothes are clean or dirty, only keep the ones she needs, wash them all and put them away for her and lable her drawers. Then take 10 minutes every day after school (or dinner or whenever) and go in her room with her and "help" her put things away and stay on top of it so it doesn't get out of control again. I don't even "make" my daughter fold her clothes, just sort them into like items and put them in the correct drawers, but she needs "help" to do this. If you just tell her to "clean her room", it's too much for her and she can't do it. I hope this helps, good luck!

She is 11 and has ADHD.........This is just as much your fault as it is hers, so I see no reason to punish her. You must have been ignoring this for some time for it to reach this level. Kids (even without ADHD) do not automatically know how to clean and organize their rooms. She needs to be a part of this process - not gone. Maybe finish getting the trash out, but she needs to be involved in the organizing process. You're going to have to set it up for what works for her. You're going to have to follow through everyday, go in her room everyday. I check my kids rooms everyday even if just to go in and open the curtains. I cut them some slack during the week, but every Sunday, they clean their rooms. I help them too (and hover to make sure they understand what to do). I have set up their rooms with them in a way that they can maintain. They are 5 and 7.

Ha! This sounds normal to me, whether ADHD or not.. I do not think this is hoarding or hiding stuff, I think it is just laziness and it REALLY does not bother her.

What is amazing is this could be my sister or my daughter at this age.. Messy and filthy..

We learned to just close the door. They did not care if their friends came over and their rooms were a disaster.I remember when my moms home was broken into and the Police officer warned me that the front bedroom had really been "messed with" I went in there and it was just what my sisters room always looked like!

I agree with the previous poster. Clean it all up and let your daughter know the rules. From now on keep after her. Place a large brand new trash can in her room and have her use it.. Can you move her bed away from the walls in any way? This way there is no way to stash the trash.. If she does not follow the rules, have her stay in her room till she cleans it up.. If she still does not do this, start taking away important items.. Text and calls to any other numbers but you and your husband call all be blocked on her cell phone. Take away the ipod, the TV.. whatever it takes..

The funniest part of this? My sister has always kept a perfect home. At college our daughter keeps her room organized and neat..

Given the recent diagnosis and the fact that you never made a big deal out of cleaning her room before, I would get it clean for her so that when she gets back she gets to start with a clean slate (or clean room as it were). But, before she has a chance to start the cycle all over again I would set ground rules. Do what seems appropriate for her, but rule #1 should be absolutely no food in the room and then she needs to make sure the room is picked up and neat each night before bed. Have her go to her room 15 minutes early each night to straighten up before bed. You might have to go with her the first few nights to help her get organized and get the task done but if it's done every night it shouldn't have a chance to get too out of hand. And then I would just focus on whatever life coaching and skills training they have for her.

Good luck,
K.

This is why I don't allow food in bedrooms. Too easy to forget it and next thing you know it's drawing ants and other bugs. It could have been worse. How would you feel if you found lip stick and nail polish mashed into the carpet? ADHD issues aside, organizing just isn't a skill everyone has. She's going to need help learning this and it's going to be a process that will evolve over the years. It sounds like there is just too much in the room. Clothes that don't fit anymore can be donated. Try to keep some perspective about it. When she's grown with a daughter of her own, you'll be laughing when she wants your grand daughter to clean up her room. It's a stage everyone seems to go through at some time or another.

Make her a chart so that she can visually reference her tasks. ADHD kids need to know what is expected and they have to be able to to have something to look at b/c they won't remember on their own. Since you didn't previously make an issue out of this, you really can't punish her now but you can set some ground rules up and expect her to follow them. Since she really hasn't had to, you may have to begin this process with a little external motivation! Make a checklist or something and if she can follow (80%, 90%, whatever you decide) it for a week she can have some sort of special reward...extra TV, ice cream, a pedicure, whatever, it doesn't really matter.

A professional organizer is a great idea, but can be really pricey, so if you're not up for that, do it yourself. Figure out what her biggest needs are in terms of storage/organization and go to Target and buy some bins for her closet, shelves, under the bed, etc. Then, b/c she's ADHD, I recommend labeling each one so that she can only place those things in there. Target even sells shelves that are designed for those fabric crates to go in them, they are pretty cute, or at least you can make them cute and they're reasonably priced.

I think that now that you are aware of her needs you can't just close the door b/c she needs to learn these important life skills of organization, cleanliness, etc., and due to the fact that she's ADHD, it really might not come to her on her own, so you need to step in. Good luck, it sounds like quite a task!

In addition to what Karen said, it might be a good idea to find a professional organizer that understands ADHD kids to find a system that works for your daughter. Just because it seems easy to keep a place clean, doesn't mean it's obvious to the kids how to, and different personality styles function better with different ways to organize. It may help everyone. good luck!

Hoarding is an anxiety disorder. So, I'm going to guess there's a connection with the ADHD based upon a quick Google search I did on the two:
http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHMA_enUS363US363&amp...

My mother is a hoarder, and she gets really defensive whenever anyone tries to clean her house or to try to get rid of things.

If I were her mom, I would sit her down, go over the house rules, and have her help in the cleaning of her room. Something may have deep sentimental value to her that you can't see, and it might devastate her if you were to throw it out as "trash". But, I'd make rules about what she can and can not keep (quantities).

And, I'd also want to bring it up in the sessions to discuss her ADHD. My niece has ADHD, she doesn't have problems with hoarding. She has done a lot of counseling along with medication. She's a different kid when she's not on it. I hate seeing her so doped-up (though she's gotten accustomed to it and prefers her state of mind on the medication).

Good luck dealing with both. I'd care - it is your house after all. And, the earlier you can get her treated for both conditions, the more likely you are to be able to begin a path for treatment that she can embrace the rest of her life.

I agree with Karen, don't get on her too much for this, let her start new. When you're a kid, cleaning your room [especially if it is in the condition you described] is very overwhelming. I think you should put everything where it should go, and label, label, label. If a certain spot of her shelf is for books, label it "books". Get a couple of magazine holders...one for magazines, one for current school work. Maybe get a third for old school work that she wants to hang onto, and label those. Let her have 3 pairs of shoes, no more. I would organize her clothes on hangers in the closet...part of it just for uniforms, part of it for shirts, sweaters, etc and label the bar "uniforms" "pants" etc. Get her a nice bottle that she can refill for water. Also you may want to get her a nice lingerie chest and/or one of those fabric shoe holders that you put on the inside of a closet door to keep all of the random little things she will accumulate as she gets older, like the bandaids, headbands, pens, calculator, and as a teen she'll need a place to put makeup, brushes, nail polish, etc. Label everything and make sure there is a place for it all. If you do that, there will be no excuse "I don't know where to put it" and all it will take from her is PUTTING IT BACK in the right spot. If she doesn't do that, then you can have consequences for her. I think for a while you should tell her when she wakes up in the morning, you are coming to check her room in ___minutes and when you go check, if things are not put away, I would have the consequence that when she gets home from school she is grounded to her room until it is cleaned. That way, she can't keep putting it off, and she will want to get it cleaned faster so she can get out of her room and do what she wants.
On a side note, what are all of the band aids and antiseptic for?? It reminded me of a friend that used to cut herself when we were younger...she had a stash of band aids and ointment stashed in her room also.

I agree with not punishing her and letting her start fresh. My daughter does not have ADHD however she just had a messy room. A few years ago when she went out of town I emptied out her entire bedroom and painted it her favorite color, cleaned the carpet and got new lamps, bedding and storage bins. I basically gave her a "brand new" room that made her want to take care of it. I talked to her about cleaning up after herself so that she doesn't end up with a big mess again and taught her how to determine what she should keep and put in a storage bin and what she should get rid of. I had such a great experience with it that I'm considering becoming a professional organizer myself! A bed with drawers underneath it is also a great thing because then she won't be able to hide anything under the bed and has a few more drawers for storage.

I wan't this messy as a child but I had problems. My parents would use switches, belts, anything they could get their hands on to beat me when I was cleaning my room or doing dishes. I never learned "HOW" to do it. I never got that things had a home and that they neede to be there so I could find them. So, here I am at 50 and have no housekeeping skills. I think if you are determined to clean her room for her and get it to a point that she can keep it clean then you need to commit to EVERY night to go in and spend time cleaning with her. EVERY night. This is your time to teach her, not boss her around and get upset at her for making a mess. I don't have that skill so my husband goes in and helps the kids clean and put things up from the day. If I go in and things aren't where I think they should be or where I can find them then I get upset. I labeled the shelves, put storage boxes in that were easy to use, I had it organized and looking very nice. It didn't work for my husband and her. It is totally their system. But he is teaching her to put her things up and to keep her room looking nice.

My daughter is 14 she has ADD, her room is probably worse than that!! NO JOKE. I tell her to clean and she says it is and I go up there and oh my gosh. I clean her room about once every 2-3 very good. She has water bottles pop cans in her dresser. Clothes everywhere. The best thing is under her bed, she said why do i gotta clean under it noone see's it but you mom. WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING. I think back and remember and I think I may be worse than my mother, she is way worse than me. Good luck!!! I really believe its something missing in the brain activity.

I think you should just clean it for her...let her start over with a nice clean and organized room...then implement a new cleaning system. At our house the kids do a 10 minute tidy on their room every night (well, we try for every night, sometimes it doesn't happen, but more often than not, it does) that way nothing gets out of control and it isn't that hard to do! I mean think about it? How much of a mess can she make in one day? Especially if she realizes she will have to clean it up before going to bed.

I just wanted to add that I do not have any experience with ADHD, but I think your last statement of "she doesn't have the capability to handle basic tasks".....is just.....sad....wrong....and selling your child short! Hope you never let her hear you talk about her like that.

I know several adults with ADD/ADHD and they hoard like nothing I have ever seen before. Stuff that makes no sense to you or me at all. My dad is the worst. He has collections of everything. He hoards empty pill bottles. he totally freaked out on me not too long ago because I threw some away. He collects newspapers and junk mail until you can barely fit the pile into the trash, but wigs out if you touch it. Definitely talk to her therapist about how to help her with this. My dad cannot be told to clean stuff up, he needs very precise lists and labels. And you can't just tell him to do it. My mom has to be very delicate how she deals with him. To avoid this kind of situation where you can't even talk to her about it without her digging her feet in, have the therapist give you pointers on how to help her best. Some of the adults I know were browbeaten into clean rooms while growing up, but now that they are adults, they don't have anyone telling them what to do and can't do it themselves.

I think the clean slate is a good idea. But with a conversation and clear boundaries. You are right, she can't help it, but she does have the capability to handle basic tasks, she just needs to go about them a different way. She can be a fully functioning normal person, she is just going to need some help learning how to do things in a different way.

I am starting to think that all teenagers are "hoarders"... you are decribing my room at 14, my sister's room, my nieces room (she's 12)...

I would actually bag everything and let it stay in her room until she gets back (minus the food, I'd throw that out). When she gets back, sit her down for a talk, but don't just get into a rant about how gross her room was.

Your daughter is a teenager and probably wants to be treated like an adult... so let her know in order for that to happen she needs to show that she can be responsible for her things. This includes keeping her room clean. Tell her that if she cannot do this by herself, she is obviously not mature enough and every time you have to clean her room, she will loose a "mature" benefit (such as going to the movies/mall/etc.) in addition to loosing her privacy, since you will be rifling through her stuff to keep her room clean.

I disagree about the "just shut the door" advice your mom gave. I would stay on her and be precise. Ask her to clean "this up" and "vaccuum" instead of just "clean your room". Breaking it down into smaller, more precise and more manageable tasks will help her stay on top of it without feeling overwhelmed.

Some chaos will still be normal, but she will thank you in the long run for helping her to learn to stay organized...
Good luck!