Todder Clingy to Mommy

I would suggest you leaving her with daddy to do what you have to. They need time alone to bond as well. I suspect you spend the most time with her. Step out of the way to give them their time and she should be much more comfortable with him. She may see him coming home as something taking her mommy away from her. How about a sibling (lol) or a regular play date to give her something else to do?

My son (19 months) was like this too. I got so tired of it and it was breaking mine and my husband's hearts to have him rejecting his daddy all the time-- so my solution was to leave them alone together more often. It wasn't anything official at first, but now they have their set "Daddy/Cooper time" every single day. He gets so excited when Dad comes home now because I have him ready in his shoes to go on a walk with him around our neighborhood to do guy things--like throw sticks in the pond, chase ducks, etc. They both absolutely love it! And now its turned into "Go away, Mommy..." when I tried to tag along one day. I'm a SAHM so he was just used to being with me all day, every day. She may protest to going with him at first--but they need to do things together AWAY from mom so they can develop their own bond/way of interacting.

You can tell your husband that it's nothing personal, but it's still hurting him. :( Are you home with her all day? Do you go out by yourself? You might want to give that a try. Go out and leave her home with him, even if it's just for grocery shopping or a trip to the library. Give them some alone time where you are not an option.

The way you handled the naptime issue was perfect. Walk out! Don't give her the attention. Tell her that her choice is either go with Daddy or stay in bed. When she's mean to him, put her in a time out and reinforce that she doesn't talk to her Daddy that way. Right now, it's not about hurting his feelings or not, it's about respecting her parents. Teach it now or it's pretty rough later!

First I want to say that your husband needs to realize that it's really nothing personal.

My 2 1/2 year old says "go away papa" or cries for mama to do things all the time.

I really think it's totally normal and will change. Do you notice it more when she is tired or not feeling well or hungry or overstimulated, etc.

My son is happy to be with papa when all things are in line, but if there is one thing off (tired, sick, etc), it's all about mama.

Although they are learning it, empathy really doesn't come until later, so she probably really doesn't get that it hurts his feelings. You should continue to let her know that it does, but I wouldn't expect her to truly understand.

At our house if my son wakes up and insists on me (crying, etc) then he can have me. BUT I don't go pick him up or snuggle necessarily, but he can get out of his bed and come with me to the kitchen or wherever I was when his papa tried to go help him. I guess what I am trying to show him is that I am always there for him but not necessarily on his terms. Does that make sense?

At her age, she will change daily, weekly, monthly and this may all go away or continue a while.

I don't think there is an answer. I would just reinforce to your husband that nothing is personal at this stage in the game. I wouldn't insist that she go to your husband. She will just dig herself in her hole even deeper....that's just the emotional maturity level they have at that age.

Hang in....remember, this too shall pass! :)

Oh my God...are you me? I am so not kidding, this is my life! I have read other posts and thought yea, I go through that, but this...this is my life!

I think you're doing the right thing. It's so hard. We do the same thing and I know my husband feels bad sometimes and yes, I too try and reinforce the rules too, but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Ultimately, I think you just have to stick to your guns and make him do things even if it causes a meltdown. I've tried explaining to my daughter during down times that sometimes I help, sometimes Daddy helps, etc. I also tell her that sometimes she gets to choose and other times she doesn't. When she starts to throw a fit about him (or someone else) helping, I try and gently remind her that it's Daddy's turn to help, but it still usually results in a meltdown. I think that if she sees that even though she throws a fit, that other person is still stepping in, maybe eventually she'll get it...I have no idea...but that's the theory I cling to because it's all I've got!

My daughter will be 3 in September and it has always been like this (she's also very verbal and I think she understands a lot too) forever, so that probably isn't a consolation, but maybe it helps to know you're not alone!

there are two prongs to handling this. let's talk about your dh first, since he's the one being most negatively affected.
she is barely 2. i know he adores her and i know how much this stings (in our family i was the one who got feet shoving my head away every saturday morning with 'go 'way, mommy!') but she is barely 2 and barely verbal. he's an adult. i know the hurt is visceral and not logical, but his reaction can and must be mature, calm and logic-based. she is not describing her overall feelings for her daddy. like every other 2 year old, she is expressing what she is feeling (strongly!) AT THAT VERY SECOND. that's all she can do. she's barely 2. he must must must not take it to heart. whatever sense of humor he's got going on, this is the time to engage it. it's a phase. it will pass. he needs to be the grown-up here.
as for her, she's barely 2. she doesn't get explanations. she doesn't really get empathy. she feels what she feels and says what she feels, and this is an excellent trait. model empathy for her, and when she's older (considerably) she will demonstrate how effective you've been. don't explain it. kids learn what we do, not what we say. in the meantime, you too need to be calm, centered and confident. don't get fed up. be consistently compassionate and yet firm (amused is also helpful, at least from your point of view.) my husband and son bonded intensely because i worked evenings and weekends and they loved their guy time. did i feel a little sad to miss out on their outings (and to get booted out of bed every saturday morning)? you betcha. but i also cherished my one-on-one time with my little guy, during which he also clearly adored me. and the attachment to one parent or the other is a phase, and often switches back and forth.
so the 'training' here mostly involves your husband. your daughter will grow out of it even if you do nothing. but for now i would carry on exactly as if the tantrums were not taking place. how can your toddler not 'let' her daddy check on her if she falls? she's barely 2. he should continue to parent her with love, boundaries, laughter and affection no matter what her reactions are. when she sees that her meltdowns aren't having any effect whatsoever, guess what will happen with them?
khairete
S.

Our daughter, the first child, was very clingy to me until the second child came along. She jumped into Daddy's arms and said "You're mine! The baby is Mama's." We laughed and she became Daddy's girl. AF

I think your instincts are telling you exactly what to do...When she acts inappropriate towards her father, you tell her stop and give her time to "get over it" then tell her HOW TO behave, and then continue on while she makes the adjustment to cooperate. When you were "fed up.." that's when she recognized she had to do something different. You don't have to feel or act fed up, and you won't have to leave the room all the time, but you do need to stop and notice her behavior as unacceptable, then tell her what the appropriate behavior is, and start when she can start to be appropriate in some way.
As for dad, well, he's not alone, and my husband resented my daughter and later she rejected me for him. Have dad talk to a counselor even if it's for only one session- he mustn't take it personally. My daughter has A LOT of her father's traits and that may have been one reason. Another (which is more frequently the issue) is that mom instinctively recognizes what the daughter wants and needs and with very little effort on the daughter's part. With the dad, he's not in tune with her like mom and so she has to work to communicate. She may not have the energy or know what she wants yet, so mom is safer to be with when she says so (remember, her vocabulary is extremely limited right now). With my second girl, my husband was afraid to have me leave her with him in case she rejected him like the other one did at her age. I explained that due to her small list of words to explain her needs, she'll use the word "mommy" to mean she wants someone to be gentle, and feed her or hold her... Hope this helps.

Same thing is happening with my 2yr old girl. Daddy is sooo in love with her and wants to do things for her all the time, but she screams at him and asks for me. The only time she accepts his help is when it's time to go to bed and he "rescues" her when I try to put her to sleep. I think it is normal 2yr old behavior. We respond to her screams and she enjoys the control she has on us. I told my husband we should just do things without her consent and she will eventually get the point that she is not in charge. We should not have to "negotiate" with her and explain why she should let her daddy get her out of bed. We are her parents and we both love her and care for her. I tell my husband to simply pick her up, give her a kiss, and calmly tell her he loves her and wants to help her. We are starting off with easy activities that take little time like getting her a cup of milk and picking her up from nap. Giving her a bath is way too complicated for now =( . If she is thirsty, she will eventually drink her milk, no matter who prepares it for her. We are ignoring the tantrums and don't argue with her. Daddy simply does these things and calmly tells her he loves her and wants to help her. We just started with this and hope it works.

My son (also 2) has been very clingy with me, especially in the last month or so. He is not as verbal as your daughter, but he still communicates it in his own way. He often pushes dada away and calls for mama. It is a stage they go through. I feel bad that your DH's feelings are getting hurt. I would try to help him see that it is not her rejecting him, it's just developmental and she will outgrow it. As far as the screaming, I think you handled it well. I think they say time out can be one minute for every year of their age. My son takes a two minute time out. WHen he is very upset, it usually takes over a minute for him to calm down. Also, I recommend a book: 1,2,3 Magic for guidance on ways to manage behavior. We've been using this approach since January and it is working well for us. Best wishes.

My interpretation of these problems is that your 2-year-old is trying to make sense of the complicated rules in the world by enforcing a rule set of her own. This rule set goes something like this, "When I am crying, mommy comforts me. When I get up in the morning, mommy helps me get dressed." These commandments are set in stone as far as she is concerned!

So maybe what you can do is explain to her that sometimes you are busy and sometimes her daddy is busy, but that if one parent is busy or not there, then it is the other's job. Make a chart (with sketches and words) of parent jobs -- putting me to bed, helping me brush teeth, helping me get dressed, putting on my band-aids, feeding me, giving me hugs when daddy comes home, reading me books. Have a column for whose job each of those are, reinforcing that the other parent can take over if the other one isn't there and that some jobs mommy and daddy might share evenly. Have your toddler and your husband help decide which parent does each job, reminding them that mommy is so busy and really needs to share her work with daddy. Make it not about "making daddy sad" because that gives your toddler a sense of negative control over her parents' emotions that you might not want to reinforce. Rather just try to guide her to be fair about sharing of duties.

I really do think that a chart similar to this one is already in your kid's head -- you just need to help her modify it to suit you better.