Toddler Boy Aggressive Wrestling Out of Control - HELP!

My son used to be the same way. We found that teaching him how to verbalize emotions some has helped. If we see him act out, we stop and ask him what he was feeling and give him some possibilities. To help him understand, we explain them a little. For example, we'll ask "Were you sad like..." and then whimper and pretend to cry. For excited we'll cheer like we're at a sports game, or like we've just opened a present. As he learns the emotions, we don't need to keep acting them out. Also, talking to the preschool can help. Sometimes they can help more because he will constantly be in situations where he needs to be easy with others, and they can help show his how, and can maybe give you some more ideas, too.

I wish I could offer more specific ideas, and I'll be glad to see what moms who have had this same problem (I haven't) offer here, but I do want to say: If he's starting preschool next week, you should have a sit-down talk with his teacher or teachers and the preschool director this week, before he begins. They probably have dealt with this before because some kids just do this, especially outgoing ones who simply don't have any notion they are bigger than other kids and could hurt them. The preschool staffers should be willing to listen to you, take you seriously, and offer ideas and tell you specifically how they plan to deal with it when your son, trying to be friendly, charges at another kid--what do they usually do or say in these situations? You want to know, one, so you too can apply it elsewhere, and two, so you know their practice and philosophy for handling a very physical kid. Ask before he gets started and before the other kids brand him as "the one who knocks everybody down." You and he know he's just being friendly but other kids and their parents won't. Good luck!!

hi S.,
the clues i see are 'tried numerous times, and '*even* removed him entirely', not to mention 'one more time.'
you need to firmly and completely take control of this. as yoda says, do not 'try'. DO.
apparently your time outs don't have sufficient impact, so look him straight in the eye and tell him in calm, no-nonsense tones that if he even once is too rough with a friend, the play is over and he's outa there.
then do it.
no negotiation, no exceptions.
it will mean some unhappy times all round, but you seriously want this done before your twins arrive.
seriously.
khairete
S.

Hi S., my 2 yr old is also overly physical at times. He is very friendly and wants to play with everyone, unfortunately many 2 yr olds are into their own play and not playing with others, so he will get rough to get their attention. He just started preschool this week and I was very worried about the reports I would hear from the teachers, esp after the orientation where he threw things at other kids and tore the classroom up. The teachers assured me that they deal with this frequently and not to worry. Well, I don't know if I give him an active audience to his misbehavior, but he has been completely fine in preschool so far (knock on wood). We grab his hands and get onto his level and tell him no firmly when he hits and we make him apologize (he can't talk well yet so he blows a kiss) and if his touch is too hard I remind him gentle, pet not hit (he understands pet from the cat). It may get a little worse after the twins are born but I think being in preschool will help him a lot. Good luck.

I am always loathe to recommend physical repercussions for bad behaviour, but in this case perhaps the best way to make your son see what he's doing is by returning the favor to him.

Now, should you all-out tackle the kid and body slam him? No...but if you know of a young boy a tad bigger and stronger then your son, have that child wrestle him in an agressive manner, and allow the bigger boy to use his advantage. My nephew is turning 4 this november and we had the same issue with him. He was abused by his mother, so spanking is out of the question for him, and he would act the same way towards any child he could muscle around. He kept doing it to my daughter (now 2.5) and finally he managed to hurt her, so I had one of my young neighbor boys (about 7) wrestle him the same way he was doing to my daughter and the kids at school, and after being taken down roughly and treated the same way, he soon figured out that he didn't want to be handled that way, and promptly stopped doing it to others.
Of course, explaining this to him while it was going on was part of the fix, so make sure you communicate to him that rough play is not ok.

Good luck!

S.,
I am not sure this will work with your son but it may be worth the try. I have a daughter who just turned 6 and she is an overly affectionate little girl, she loves to hug andgive kisses, she is very hands on. Since she was probably 3, maybe 4 we have told her she needs to use her words and ask people if she can give them a hug before she attacks them. We also explained to her that not everyone likes hugs all of the time and if they say "no" she needs to respect them and not give them a hug. This has been very hard for her because she is so physical and we are constantly reminding her that she needs to ask first. Hope this helps and good luck with your son and the twins on the way.

my 3 1/2 yr old girl is like this too- her FAVORITE game is to pull down her younger friends when they hug. I decided to teach her "ring around the rosie" and stressed the fact that she has to ASK ("use your words") if her friends want to play. now she knows that hugs are "nice and easy" and playing ring around the rosie, since it's a game, can be a little rough. good luck, and if it makes you feel any better, i taught preschool for a number of years and they're probably not going to call you because your son hugs too roughly. Preschool will probably help a lot, actually :)

My son has been big since birth. he has always had so much love to give, when he was two he broke my glasses in the big tackle hug! What we did was just be honest with his from the start. -- You're a big boy, taller and stronger than most, so you have to be careful. Big boys don't tackle girls with hugs, it's rude and hitting is wrong no matter what. Good friends don't knock eachother down, etc etc.
So we did this in the course of everyday normal coversation, and when he got a bit to 'loving' with other kids. We also limited his tv watching when it came to potty humor and physical humor/action stuff. Like spongebob(he's five and still will come get me if it comes on after Diego!), or other knock'em down kind of shows. If he didn't listen or stop early on we would put him in the time out chair(we call it Detention) for a few minutes.
He is still bigger than most kids, but he does not hit and very gentle with the littler kids. Believe it or not , much will probably decrease when the twins come and he really 'gets' having to be gentle with the smaller ones and being a good big brother. Good Luck!

Our oldest was the same way. I remember during playgroups and playdates other moms would sit around and talk and I had to be right next to our son so he would not hurt somebody(he too was always off the charts). I have to tell you ours just outgrew that behavior. Now at 3 1/2 he knows the right way to behave with his friends and he tackles with his daddy. Hang in there:)

Hi S..
Wow, that's a tough one, but not uncommon. First of I agree with the previous posting that you should talk to the preschool about the situation so that they understand and are prepared to deal with it and/or parents of the other kids. Remember, the key to a good school environment is communication.
As for using time-outs and such, I'm not sure that punishing him for doing it is the approach to take all of the time. If it truely is that he's just trying to give hugs or such then maybe its just his size that's the problem, and you can't change that. Perhaps working with him to show him how to give soft hugs, high fives, or even just pats on the back (side hugs) instead of hugs around the neck would help. I'd also take a look at how hubby or other male relatives interact with him. If they are in to ruffhousing, it could be that he doesn't understand when/and where its ok since Dad or Uncle are that way all the time. I know my hubby and 7y wrestle all the time and I have to constantly remind the 7y when he's around his smaller cousins that he can't be as rough with them as with his Dad.
Good luck.
M.

S.,

Just so you feel better, most kids engage in "combat hugging" at this age, especially with good friends. My daughter is 5 and very affectionate and outgoing. She and a good friend from preschool got into the "clinch" after Mass on Sunday. Yes, we had to break it up before they went rolling down the aisle. My daughter even got hurt one day at preschool in a combat group hug (she hit her head behind her ear on a table; she was fine) and she still gives big hugs. I've also told her to ask first.

Please tread carefully. You want your son to be affectionate, and he may be thinking that you are punishing him for trying to be nice. I'd reinforce the asking permission to give hugs.