Toddler Having Separation Anxiety at bedtime***PLEASE HELP!!!

I, too, chose that method to help my son learn to soothe himself to sleep. I have had no repercussions from it, so I disagree with Clarissa's comment that it is because of letting him cry it out some when he was a baby. You dont say how old your son is, but I will assume coming up on two.

They all go through stages of separation anxiety. Try to treat it like he isn't feeling good, because he isnt. He just needs your reassurance that he is ok and you wont leave him. Focus on your love for him while your comforting him, not getting him to sleep and worrying about starting bad habits. When I do that, my kids get through it much faster and I'm alot less stressed. If you have been successful at going off the regular path of routine and then returning, you will do fine with this too. You will know when its time to put some space in and he will separate easier when the time comes.. Good luck.

Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child suggests an extinction method instead of gradual. So instead of 5 min/10 mins/15 mins. You don't go in period. Give lots of hugs/kisses during the day and during bedtime routine but then lights out. Toddlers are smart and know that you're coming back in eventually, so they will keep up the crying. Though an hour seems like forever, if you don't go back in, the next night may only be 30 mins, and then 10 mins and then not at all...I wish you luck and peaceful sleep...and sympathy (I know we are going to have to go through this soon as well with our little ones)

M.,
I can't say that I have the same problem, but my son did get to where he likes more light in the room until he falls asleep (he is 2). We actually used a strand of Christmas lights on top of his hutch. It is more light than the night light but much less than the room light. We also leave a book in with him and he looks through pages until he just falls asleep. He likes the picture books or even the books with sound buttons (which is also a good indicator as to when he has fallen asleep and we can turn out his light). I hope you find something that works for you.
S.

Hey M.,

I just wanted to give you a little support for the method you and I have chosen. We started some sleep training when my son was 7 weeks, although some people feel it is wrong to let a baby cry the baby wise method worked for me and him. Since my son has trained himself how to put himself sleep I do not have to spend hours rocking him to sleep (I would so much rather spend hours a day playing with him). I can just put him in his crib and that is that he will happily play for a bit then put himself to sleep. Once in a while he will cry but I KNOW he needs something or something is really wrong, so I will go in. I totally agree with Diane’s suggestion too to treat it like he was not feeling well. When mine was cutting his k-9 teeth we also had a little more of a hard time with going to bed, but I am personally just starting to think it is a stage thing. We have great weeks/months then poof something will bother him for a few days. As an infant my son had HORRIBLE separation anxiety, but once in his crib he felt safe and I could, take a minute if I needed it. My son is about 4 months away from being 2, and this is such a fun age they are not only learning how to communicate with us they are also learning how to wrap us around their fingers…lol! I thank you so much for posting what seems to be working for you right now, sometimes we all need to hear what other moms are trying; sometimes, our hat of tricks needs a refill. I think what your doing is a great idea I also feel talking about things the night before is working well with my son too. Some nights I tell him its time for bed so we can go to Soccer in the morning, and in the morning he has not forgotten we are going to soccer, he’s chanting it as I walk threw the door to pick him up. I commend you for giving your son the independence he will need as he grows up. Our kids are a direct reflection of us and you are teaching him very well! Great Job Mommy M.!!

I think its a sign that he's finally reached a point where he can communicate how he's always felt. I feel that separation anxiety is made worse by the method you have chosen to deal with sleep. I have coslept with my daughter until recently (she's now 9 months) when she started desiring to be left alone to go to sleep. Now she sleeps on her own about half the time (of her own choice) and no separation anxiety and definitely hasn't screamed for 10 min let alone an hour. I think your son is communicating what he never could. That he fears your abandonment. That is what it is to a baby as they don't understand why you leave. At least you go back in, the recommendation to let him be and never go in will REINFORCE the abandonment issue. Eventually it is effective that he won't cry, but that's because he'll realize that no matter how he communicates, you won't care or respond to his needs. Love and comfort is a need just as much as sleep. I once read a study that was done on infants left to fall asleep on their own under an MRI. Babies that fell asleep using the cry it out method eventually would go to sleep, but only after they reached a point where the MRI showed the same parts of the brain that light up in a person that is so depressed they are in a state of despair or suicidal. Babies that were comforted were in a bi-polar state, because they would get significant joy and pleasure from seeing their caregivers but then suffer significant depression when the caregiver left again. The only babies that did not suffer any negative emotions (as displayed in the MRI) were those who parents comforted the infants until they fell asleep of their own accord. I think if you continue this method you will end up with a clingy child that is permanately anxious to leave your side. I feel comfort now, let the baby be more independent later. Force independence now, be forced to comfort more later.

Wow, this could have been written by me, except it's a girl in my case. Unfortunately, I share my daughter with her grandparents on her father's side(and father, whenever he shows up)and they have gotten her used to sleeping in the same bed as them on weekends when they get her. Since I want to stress independence when she's in my home 5 days a week and I also want to have my own queen size bed to myself, I put her in her own room to sleep, but she will do the same thing as your boy: cry like she is possessed until I come in to her room, and she will say "lay down, mama, layyyyy doooooowwwwwwnnnn" with an awful scream that sounds as if she is being murdered. She won't stop either! Everyone suggested to me to just put her back in bed and sit there and wait till she falls asleep and then go back to my room and she will sleep for the night, well no, not in her case: she will wake up every hour or so and get out of bed to check and see if I am there, if not, she will run to my room with those screams that make me jump out of bed and feel like I am having a heart attack. I have had to sacrifice my sleep and comfort and sleep in the guest bed in her room, which is a tiny twin bed, in order to stop the gut-wrenching screams. I can say goodbye to any privacy or love life I may wish to have in the future, and I have had to say goodbye to a long, wake-free night as she will talk to me when she is in her bed to assure herself I am there. There are also times she will get out of her own bed and cram herself into my twin bed with me, which is quite awful. I am truly miserable and go to work everyday as a zombie. I hope someone recommends something good to you that I could try too, but I doubt it will work in my case since her grandparents openly defy me and will sleep with her in bed on the weekends just to make her do the same to me during the week, so they will have won in making me miserable. I hope you have better luck than me and don't end up a zombie and a slave to your child though...

Reassure him that you will be right back; and that you will go to sleep also and be there for him when he wakes up. Separation anxiety is real. It's frightening for a child to go through; and can be exhausting for the parents. Does he have a teddy bear or blanket that will comfort him?
Blessings

Try taking him with you to your bed, hug him, kiss him smell him and enjoy him , sleep with him and be happy. forget about the experts methods. when he is sleeping take him to his bed so he will wake up there in the morning....